Attachment Parenting

[Danielle]

I'm very much an AP mom. I think of being AP as in being more in tune with the children and assuming the child has good intentions. I just read this blog post tonight and it really sums up how AP is for toddlers and preschoolers: http://www.positive-parents.org/2011...ermissive.html

I'm also very AP with babies I care for. That's the main reason I really limit how many babies I care for at a time. I don't hesitate to wear a baby. I obviously don't nurse them but there's a way to bottle feed a baby in an AP way. The babies I care for don't sleep in my arms all the time but they don't cio either.

There is a way to run a daycare with AP in mind but low numbers are a must! I do feel the attachment much more with kids that start with me as babies. Toddlers are more difficult.

[VanessaEO]

From the sounds of it, it is very different from what you do nanny. The main thought is that you meet your child's emotional needs and bond with them through physically being close as much as possible. Co-sleeping, baby wearing, breast feeding (extending well into the toddler years if preferred) are big parts of it. You can google Dr. Sears to get more info. AP parents are also really big into non-vaccinate, non-circumsize, very healthy diets, natural health remedies (like using amber necklaces to help teething babies), child led weaning or child led parenting where you tailor your parenting to meet that particular childs needs or even preferences (such as not putting them on strict schedules, sometimes not even on daily routines period). Its very "one on one" style. No cry-it-out, holding babies as much as they want, that sort of thing. Almost all of the AP parents I know only have one child, maybe two at the most. A few hard core AP parents that I know (some previous daycare parents!) have really had to change it up once baby #2 or #3 came along because at this point you might have three kids in bed with you, nursing two at the same time, babywearing one or even two at a time and that sort of thing. My sister is very AP and she tried to do daycare. She called me completely exhausted because it was not working at all. She ended up closing her daycare because she wasn't willing to alter what she did with her own kids (like co-sleeping for naps) in order to keep the daycare families. I do some of the AP stuff but not at the expense of my sanity. We move our kids from co-sleeping once it is working for us, I stopped breastfeeding before one year with each of my older two, I don't babywear after a child can walk, etc. I think there are a lot of good ideas with this but like anything, you can take it to an extreme.

Attachment Parenting International describes AP as: <<<Attachment Parenting challenges us as parents to treat our children with kindness, respect and dignity, and to model in our interactions with them the way we'd like them to interact with others.>>>

Obviously - I would guess that most of us practice this with our DCKs.... We treat them with respect. We model how we want them to behave. We use positive reinforcement. We don't belittle or yell. (At least not a lot )

Here is a great link to get started for anyone wanting to learn more about attachment parenting... http://www.attachmentparenting.org/principles/intro.php

I consider myself an attached parent and an attached DCP. I don't co-sleep, breastfeed or baby wear with my daycare kids. Well, when they are new-new-newborns I wore them. But I treat them with love, I bond with them through bottle feeding. I make nap time a secure, calm environment. (Rather than yelling at them to lay down, you know?)

However, with my own kids. I extended breastfed, co-slept and wore them. I wore my daughter occasionally until she was about 2ish.

Baby wearing an older child doesn't have to be an all the time thing, but if we were out and about... like at the park and she wanted to nap - I would wear her on my back so she could nap there and my son/older DCKs could keep playing.

I'm expecting now and due in November. I haven't done my own newborn + daycare before - so we will see how things go. But I expect to rely more heavily on my wrap to nurse and baby wear. Even more than I did when my 2nd child was born.

Also, I wanted to say in regard to the above comment about the number of children and AP --- most of my close friends that are attached parents have AT LEAST 3 children. Its totally doable. And you don't have to nurse until your child is 6 to fully "attach" to your children.

[Danielle]

Attachment Parenting International describes AP as: <<<Attachment Parenting challenges us as parents to treat our children with kindness, respect and dignity, and to model in our interactions with them the way we'd like them to interact with others.>>>

Obviously - I would guess that most of us practice this with our DCKs.... We treat them with respect. We model how we want them to behave. We use positive reinforcement. We don't belittle or yell. (At least not a lot )

Here is a great link to get started for anyone wanting to learn more about attachment parenting... http://www.attachmentparenting.org/principles/intro.php

I consider myself an attached parent and an attached DCP. I don't co-sleep, breastfeed or baby wear with my daycare kids. Well, when they are new-new-newborns I wore them. But I treat them with love, I bond with them through bottle feeding. I make nap time a secure, calm environment. (Rather than yelling at them to lay down, you know?)

However, with my own kids. I extended breastfed, co-slept and wore them. I wore my daughter occasionally until she was about 2ish.

Baby wearing an older child doesn't have to be an all the time thing, but if we were out and about... like at the park and she wanted to nap - I would wear her on my back so she could nap there and my son/older DCKs could keep playing.

I'm expecting now and due in November. I haven't done my own newborn + daycare before - so we will see how things go. But I expect to rely more heavily on my wrap to nurse and baby wear. Even more than I did when my 2nd child was born.

Also, I wanted to say in regard to the above comment about the number of children and AP --- most of my close friends that are attached parents have AT LEAST 3 children. Its totally doable. And you don't have to nurse until your child is 6 to fully "attach" to your children.

Great post! I get what you're saying about numbers. Most of the families in my local AP group have large families. I just think there's a difference when those kids aren't your own (as far as numbers). kwim? It also depends on the family the kids are coming from. DCK of mine that have come from AP families fit in much better than those that don't. In my experience it's also easier to find that attachment to the AP DCKs too....unless they start as an infant.

[Hunni Bee]

I'm positive you can't do any sort of AP in a center, groupcare setting...unless the child-adult ratio was ridiculously low...

But Im very hands-on, touchy feely with my dcks...I've always been like that. Probably because I don't have any kids of my own. My kids talk to me all day, they pile on me for hugs and kisses when they see me in the morning, if Im sitting down, there's someone (or two) in my lap. We say I love you all day long, and mean it. All my new kids bond to me very quickly.

We tend to keep kids longer that the average center, but I do have kids coming and going a lot. It used to hurt when they stopped coming, but it doesn't anymore...and that doesn't affect how I bond to them while they're with me.

[cheerfuldom]

My question is, what happens when this child enters school or the real world and there is no one there to meet their every need and want?

I think the thought is that this type of bonding nets a child that is secure and independent and able to better enter the world. At kindergarten age, they would no longer need an adult to meet every need.

[cheerfuldom]

Oh and I agree that this type of thing is doable in some large families, I just don't personally know any families larger than three kids that do this, the vast majority I know are one child families (and I know A LOT). However, it is a whole 'nother ball game to try and implement these things with daycare kids versus your own children as the OP is finding out. I agree that there are plenty of other ways to bond with a child but I think that AP parents generally feel that the physical closeness is a type priority. If you provide this type of care, it is much more realistic to have a low, low ratio

[Oneluckymom]

I guess I'm an AP mom but didn't know this is what it is called. I breastfed both my children for two years and my daughter a little over two years. I have always coslept and continue to do so now. My kids are 6 and 4. Children definitely become attached and automatically call for mommy for everything...I don't think they have ever called out for my husband during the night ( not saying this is such a good thing..).

[Cat Herder]

IMHO, Every 5 years or so somebody puts a buzz word name on some "NEW " parenting/educating style... It always cracks me up.

I LOVE LOVE LOVE going to antique book sales to grab old books that always seem to have "NEW" techniques in them. It is like they had a crystal ball or something.

I keep looking for lottery numbers in them, but have not found the winning number there, yet. ::::

Does anyone really think they were the first to think of this stuff?

I parent as my kids need it.

It changes based on whatever challenges we are facing. Life is an adaptive marathon.

Raising babies is just the threshold of parenting, IMHO. Very similar to the honeymoon and wearing makeup to bed.

[Cat Herder]

It seems they only need me for FOOD, they dont initiate or ask for hugs, cuddling, sweet words...hardly a goodbye to me when parents arrive. Just want to know I am making a difference and that they see me as a caregiver during the time they are in my care.

Sounds like confident kids secure in knowing they are safe and cared for to me.

IME, attention/love/security starved kids act COMPLETELY differently.

[KEG123]

I guess I fall into attachment parenting. Although as you've seen by my other thread I have spanked on occassion, which I do not like doing. It is few and far inbetween. Anyways, we coslept for 18 months, breastfed for 2 years, babywore ALL the time, basically lived by the 7 B's that Dr. Sears mentions in his books.

It is DEFINITELY harder to do some AP things in a daycare setting, and some are easier. The most important B is "balance" IMO.

Here is a good link, might help you get back in your "AP groove"...

http://www.askdrsears.com/topics/attachment-parenting/what-ap-7-baby-bs

[MommyMuffin]

Sounds like confident kids secure in knowing they are safe and cared for to me.

IME, attention/love/security starved kids act COMPLETELY differently.

Aww that is sweet!

[littlemommy]

I practice AP with my son and will when my 2nd is born. It is what comes natural to me-with my own children.

When I started doing daycare, I thought it was something that could easily be done with the daycare kids. The problem is, the parents don't practice the same parenting techniques, and I just never bonded with the daycare kids to care for them that way.

One of my main struggles is with infants. I do not like making babies CIO, but if that's what they are use to at home, it seems to be the only thing that works in a daycare setting. I have a (verrry cranky) 11 month old, and in the 3 months he's been with me, has been very fussy. Mom says when he gets that way, she puts him in a dark room by himself and lets him CIO. I've tried a couple different things here with him, and that seems to be the only way to get the boy to sleep. It's hard for me to do.

[nannyde]

I just read this blog post tonight and it really sums up how AP is for toddlers and preschoolers: http://www.positive-parents.org/2011...ermissive.html

Ummm

I'm DEFINITELY not an AP'er

Way too much chaos in redirection.

Your 18 month old is a little explorer. She really likes to climb too! She can even climb up in the chair, then up on the kitchen table.

Positive reaction: The first time your child attempts to climb on the table, you intervene, saying "Climbing is fun! Let's find a safe place for you to climb. This table is not safe." Let her climb over some couch cushions, if she wants. Climbing itself is not a misbehavior. She may conquer Mount Everest one day! The goal is to keep her safe and teach her what is appropriate. The next time she heads for the table, immediately and gently take her from the table, repeating the above. If she gets upset, aknowledge her upset. "I see you're mad. You want to climb, but that isn't safe. Let's go play over here."[/B]


It shouldn't take SEVENTEEN words to tell an 18 month old to not climb on your stuff and they shouldn't be rewarded with an adult giving them something else to do at the MOMENT to distract them or pacify them. We shouldn't build excitement into the NO like "Climbing is fun! Let's find a safe place for you to climb." That's where the chaos is.

Can climb here
Can't climb here

or

"Get down"
"NO table"

or

"Get down"
"No table"
"Go play"

Use caution tone and firm tone.

I swear we have completely gone off our parenting rocker. No other mother in the animal kingdom would do ANY kind of version of this when protecting their young from danger.

We have completely lost our understanding how simple human babies are.

[cheerfuldom]

See I told you you weren't an APer nanny The example is perfect why this does NOT work in a daycare setting with numerous young children. A mom with one youngster can easily accommodate the climbing and allow a kid to use the couch cushions instead or find some replacement to redirect but when you have a group in your care, the rules have to fit the group not just what one youngster prefers.

[rjskids]

Ummm

I'm DEFINITELY not an AP'er

Way too much chaos in redirection.

Your 18 month old is a little explorer. She really likes to climb too! She can even climb up in the chair, then up on the kitchen table.

Positive reaction: The first time your child attempts to climb on the table, you intervene, saying "Climbing is fun! Let's find a safe place for you to climb. This table is not safe." Let her climb over some couch cushions, if she wants. Climbing itself is not a misbehavior. She may conquer Mount Everest one day! The goal is to keep her safe and teach her what is appropriate. The next time she heads for the table, immediately and gently take her from the table, repeating the above. If she gets upset, aknowledge her upset. "I see you're mad. You want to climb, but that isn't safe. Let's go play over here."[/B]


It shouldn't take SEVENTEEN words to tell an 18 month old to not climb on your stuff and they shouldn't be rewarded with an adult giving them something else to do at the MOMENT to distract them or pacify them. We shouldn't build excitement into the NO like "Climbing is fun! Let's find a safe place for you to climb." That's where the chaos is.

Can climb here
Can't climb here

or

"Get down"
"NO table"

or

"Get down"
"No table"
"Go play"

Use caution tone and firm tone.

I swear we have completely gone off our parenting rocker. No other mother in the animal kingdom would do ANY kind of version of this when protecting their young from danger.

We have completely lost our understanding how simple human babies are.

I agree! We had a behavioural spe******t come into our classroom to help us with a challenging child and she STRESSED to make your directions simple and only a few words "We SIT at the table" DONE. "We don't rip books, we LOOK at books" DONE. She not only helped us with that child but she helped up completely revamp our entire room and way of teaching to make all directions easy and understandable.

All the years I've worked with children you can always tell which children are from "AP parenting" or whatever fancy word it's been over the years. We teachers just plainly call it "having the hold-mes"