Attachment Parenting

[Meeko]

I must be old fashioned. I didn't wear my kids. I didn't co-sleep with my kids. I gave my kids the choices I WANTED to give them. (the red shirt or the green shirt. The blue shirt is not an option)

I have always taken the stance that my job is to raise my children to be independent, resilient adults. So far so good (oldest is 29 and my youngest is 15)

My kids got lots and lots of hugs and kisses from both myself and my husband. Still do! We are very affectionate people. But at the same time I want my kids to grow up knowing that their parents are there for them...but not their be all and end all of everything.

I believe that my ultimate goal is to teach them to function WITHOUT me. Of course I will love them and "be there" for them. But they need to be strong adults. I'm not sure how a parent would switch from doing everything for their child to teaching them to be independent at a later date.

Maybe I have seen attachment parenting gone wrong. We had a next door neighbor who parented this way. At my son's 4th birthday party, the child could not function without his mother. No other parents stayed. His mother couldn't even cross the room and be 10 feet away from him.. He couldn't feed himself as she cut up his food, etc. She felt her "closeness" with her son was important. He slept with them every night. I saw it as pathetic to tell the truth. The co-dependancy was almost creepy. The other kids were noticibly distant from the boy too. They didn't want to play with mom too and they were a package deal.

When the kids started kindergarten, of course there were tears from a few kids. This child had to pried from his heavily crying mothers arms. I've never seen such over the top drama. My son said the boy cried every day, all day for weeks. Several times, the mother had to be called to come and try and calm him, but she ended up taking him home. To me it just seemed a big mess. I fail to see how it was healthy in any way shape or form.

He would be 26 now and I have a feeling he is still living at home with his mother who is rushing around trying to make him happy 24/7. And as the mother never had any alone time with her husband...I am pretty certain their marriage didn't make it past a few years. Even at 4 years old, it was obvious that dad took a backseat in his wife's life.

I have been married for 30 very happy years. Had our children slept in our bed....I don't see how we could have stayed that way!!!! My relationship with my kids is very close. But they will one day all be gone off on their own and it will be me and my sweetheart left behind. My husband never has been and never will be second to my children. I cannot fathom spending my childrens early years so wrapped up in the kids that I didn't have time to be a couple. How does a husband share intimacy with a wife who is always carrying or sleeping with their child?

Just my opinion, I know. I agree with Catherder. One of these days some other "new and fantastic" parenting system will appear.

For now...I'm having great success doing it my way. Power to any parent who raises great kids regardless of "method"!

[nannyde]

See I told you you weren't an APer nanny The example is perfect why this does NOT work in a daycare setting with numerous young children. A mom with one youngster can easily accommodate the climbing and allow a kid to use the couch cushions instead or find some replacement to redirect but when you have a group in your care, the rules have to fit the group not just what one youngster prefers.

I'm all for introducing fun climbing to an 18 month old. I'm all for the excitement and the exercise of cushion climbing. The problem I have is WHEN it's done.

18 month olds are simple minded. They take their cues from their leader.

When the 18 month old is climbing on something dangerous and creating a dangerous fall zone it is NOT the time to do anything other than stop it and tell her no.

The reward to her is that she is safe and that she has an attentive adult to lead her and tell her right from wrong.

[MommyMuffin]

Well after reading that I certainly dont agree with all things AP!!! That is ridiculous!

[VanessaEO]

I'm not sure where all that "Climbing is fun..." nonsense came from. But I don't treat 18 month olds like adults, nor do any of my AP friends. I talk to them in as few words as possible. Like nannyde - Get down. Go Play. No table. Etc. It would said sternly, but kindly. I wouldn't yell or man-handle them to get them off said table. I wouldn't put them into time out. It would go like this....

"Get down." Child climbs down or I gently get them down. Then I say. "Go Play". If they were looking kind of like the table looked like more fun - I would go with them to the playroom and get out something that they might like - say a puzzle. I would gently sit them on the floor and dump out the puzzle pieces. I MIGHT put ONE puzzle piece in the puzzle. I MIGHT walk away.

AP isn't about babying your children until the end of time.

You don't have to let them do whatever they want to "respect them". You don't foster co-dependency. The goal isn't permissive parenting AT ALL. Positive discipline isn't permissive parenting. These aren't the same things. You don't let them get away with anything and you don't reason with 2 year olds. (you might however use reasoning with a 4-6 year old depending on the kid)

AP is about respecting your children. Plain and simple. Its about creating an environment that respects them and fosters a bond between you. In plain English, I mean you don't yell, belittle or man-handle. You talk to the children like they matter, because to you - they do.

[SilverSabre25]

I'm not sure where all that "Climbing is fun..." nonsense came from. But I don't treat 18 month olds like adults, nor do any of my AP friends. I talk to them in as few words as possible. Like nannyde - Get down. Go Play. No table. Etc. It would said sternly, but kindly. I wouldn't yell or man-handle them to get them off said table. I wouldn't put them into time out. It would go like this....

"Get down." Child climbs down or I gently get them down. Then I say. "Go Play". If they were looking kind of like the table looked like more fun - I would go with them to the playroom and get out something that they might like - say a puzzle. I would gently sit them on the floor and dump out the puzzle pieces. I MIGHT put ONE puzzle piece in the puzzle. I MIGHT walk away.

AP isn't about babying your children until the end of time.

You don't have to let them do whatever they want to "respect them". You don't foster co-dependency. The goal isn't permissive parenting AT ALL. Positive discipline isn't permissive parenting. These aren't the same things. You don't let them get away with anything and you don't reason with 2 year olds. (you might however use reasoning with a 4-6 year old depending on the kid)

AP is about respecting your children. Plain and simple. Its about creating an environment that respects them and fosters a bond between you. In plain English, I mean you don't yell, belittle or man-handle. You talk to the children like they matter, because to you - they do.

Very well said!

[youretooloud]

Does anyone else practive gentle parenting or attachment parenting?

I kinda do. Mine are grown now, and when they were little, it wasn't a term I'd ever heard. I really never, ever want to share my bed with anybody.... sometimes not even my husband, but certainly not kids. So, I part ways at the family bed.

I do babywear, and I do not ever punish or spank. I don't use time out, and it's worked remarkably well for us! But, I am the grownup, I do not take orders from the children. I care about what they want, and how they feel. I always put myself in their head before getting mad... But, In the end, I make the choices. I make options available when I can/want to, but I don't always ask them what they want first.

I have great respect for children. If I have two colors of cookies, I'll ask them, but if I have 6 colors, I don't ask, because it just means someone's feelings will be hurt, and they won't get a choice. I want to be fair to everyone, not just a few.

[Blackcat31]

Just wondering why "parenting" has to have any type of label?

I parented my children. I taught them manners, self-sufficiency, independence and everything else that was required of me as a parent.

I have no idea what category or fancy word this type of parenting falls under but in my book, it was simply raising a child to be an honest, dependable, contributing adult member of society.

AP parenting???
PG parenting???
ABC parenting???

I dunno, I practiced MOM parenting.

[cheerfuldom]

I know, I don't like the labels either. My husband calls us "free stylers". We just pick from here and there and do whats best for our family. I think some people find comfort in the label though because it is easier to find other like minded families in play groups or online communities. The thing I don't like is that some moms keep doing everything "AP" because they are sort of boxed in by the label and continue the techniques even when it is clearly not working for them and/or the kid. In some hard core circles, it is pretty scandalous for an APer to admit that they want the baby out of the bed, that they have considered CIO, that their kid has candy on a regular basis, etc.

[Meeko]

Just wondering why "parenting" has to have any type of label?

I parented my children. I taught them manners, self-sufficiency, independence and everything else that was required of me as a parent.

I have no idea what category or fancy word this type of parenting falls under but in my book, it was simply raising a child to be an honest, dependable, contributing adult member of society.

AP parenting???
PG parenting???
ABC parenting???

I dunno, I practiced MOM parenting.

Exactly this! My four turned out OK without some kind of label or system!