Kinda Sad...

[Blackcat31]

I agree that the general population and it's way of thinking has changed. My DH and I had our oldest child before we were married. When people ask how old she is (23 years) and how long we've been married (22 yrs) I always get the same response, "Oh, well who is her dad?"

My own children also noticed the fact that most of their friends in school had a daddy's house and a mommy's house. My kids were the rare ones who actually lived with both parents.

A quick count of my daycare families here at this moment and only 5 of my 9families are together. One of them has been in the middle of deciding what the next step in their marriage will be so it may soon only be 4, but still I think that is pretty good.

Of the 4 who are not living with both parents, 2 have a father in their life on a regular basis and 2 have 100% absent fathers (1 has a mom with a live in boyfriend though).

Funny how times change.....when my BFF's parents divorced when we were in the 3rd grade it was the talk of the school for the WHOLE year!

[Meeko]

A few years ago, I was dropping off my youngest daughter at school and the principal asked me the name of her father because there was a 8 year gap between her and her oldest sister. I told her all 6 kids are my husbands kids.
She laughed and said, "You don't know how unusual that is!

We have 4 kids. We had two boys that are three years apart. But then Mother Nature decided to be cruel and we had all but given up on trying for more children when ten years later we had a girl, followed by another girl 20 months later! I have lost count of the number of times that people assume my girls have a different father to my boys because of the ten year gap!

[KEG123]

I guess we're lucky. My dbf and I are not married obviously- but living together and have been for 6 years? and then my two families, one is married the others are also living together.

[jen]

Personally, I think the bigger problem is joint physical custody. I am divorced, my kids live with me, this is their home. They visit Dad and spend time with him, but they have ONE home. They don't switch back and forth; joint custody leaves ALOT to be desired in terms on consistency. I have had daycare kids that switch out on Wednesday and every other weekend and they seem to struggle far more than those who are raised in one home either with both parents, one parent, or a blended family.

I do agree that divorce should be the last possible resort, but a divorce doesn't necessarily mean damaged kids. My oldest is 17, getting ready for college (pre-med!!!) and has never given me the least amount of trouble. My 11 year old struggles academically, but is a great kid and has never had any behavioral issues.

Not cool to make judgements based on a parents marital status or to assume that their child is sad or a problem child.

[littlemissmuffet]

I have to disagree with you.. Coming from a divorced family IT IS SAD. I was devastated when my parents divorced at the age of 10. I NOW know they fought a lot but I DO NOT remember that and was not aware of it as a child. I only remember us being a family. So, I feel that if they would of done what was best for their family then they would of stayed together and made it work. After the divorce my dad remarried and moved too far to ever see. So we really did suffer as kids not being able to have our dad in our lives. Now as a mother to a wonderful little boy, I can tell you that no matter what me and my husband are going to make it work. My husband also comes from a divorced family and he was also really affected by that divorce, in his case it was inevitable because it was more than just arguing. But I do not think that the answer to arguing is getting a divorce. People don't think about Marriage as something that is supposed to be forever, pretty sad.

I'm sorry but if your dad got remarried shortly after and moved too far away to see... then he probably didn't want to be there to begin with. My dad lived 20+ hours away from me when growing up and my mom and dad made it work for us to see him once a year - better than nothing. My mom did a good enough job as both mother and father to me.
You might not have heard or seen the actual arguing, but do you really think moms and dads are at their best if they're miserable in their relationship?
We'll just have to agree to disagree on this one.

[Blackcat31]

I'm sorry but if your dad got remarried shortly after and moved too far away to see... then he probably didn't want to be there to begin with. My dad lived 20+ hours away from me when growing up and my mom and dad made it work for us to see him once a year - better than nothing. My mom did a good enough job as both mother and father to me.
You might not have heard or seen the actual arguing, but do you really think moms and dads are at their best if they're miserable in their relationship?
We'll just have to agree to disagree on this one.

I don't usually watch Dr. Phil, but years ago he made a comment that stuck with me and I find I use it often. Your statement made me think of it.

He said, "Children would rather come from a broken home than have to live in one."

[JaydensMommy]

I'm sorry but if your dad got remarried shortly after and moved too far away to see... then he probably didn't want to be there to begin with. My dad lived 20+ hours away from me when growing up and my mom and dad made it work for us to see him once a year - better than nothing. My mom did a good enough job as both mother and father to me.
You might not have heard or seen the actual arguing, but do you really think moms and dads are at their best if they're miserable in their relationship?
We'll just have to agree to disagree on this one.

Well maybe he didn't, but I think the problem now is that everyone thinks if were not happy then lets get a divorce. Or people say " It's the best for this kids", I was one of those kids. I don't think it was the best for us, I think it was the easiest thing for them. And I'm sorry but you see aunts and uncles once a year or maybe grandparents, but for a child to only see their dad once a year doesn't seem right to me. Yes, it's better than nothing. But I think children need a mom and dad in their lives all the time.

[Meeko]

Personally, I think the bigger problem is joint physical custody. I am divorced, my kids live with me, this is their home. They visit Dad and spend time with him, but they have ONE home. They don't switch back and forth; joint custody leaves ALOT to be desired in terms on consistency. I have had daycare kids that switch out on Wednesday and every other weekend and they seem to struggle far more than those who are raised in one home either with both parents, one parent, or a blended family.

I do agree that divorce should be the last possible resort, but a divorce doesn't necessarily mean damaged kids. My oldest is 17, getting ready for college (pre-med!!!) and has never given me the least amount of trouble. My 11 year old struggles academically, but is a great kid and has never had any behavioral issues.

Not cool to make judgements based on a parents marital status or to assume that their child is sad or a problem child.

Jen...I didn't mean it as passing judgement on the kids or their parents. Some of my dck's are better off with the one parent. Some are not. Most seem happy.

It was more of a general observation really. I was sad because society as a whole has reached this point.
I am still in touch with many of my old childhood friends. Every single one of them has elderly parents still together and happy...or even if they have passed on...they were happily married "til death do us part". Most of my family and friends are married...but their children have more divorces in their lives and their grandchildren even more. Each generation gets worse. What's happening?

The only thing I can think of is that it is just too easy to throw in the towel when things get rough. Instead of working at it and growing and learning together...couples just give up or refuse to see that the other spouse may have a point. I've actually heard comments from engaged couples like "Well, if it doesn't work out, then we can just get divorced".. With that kind of an attitude, the relationship is doomed before it starts. I have been happily married for 30 years. Divorce NEVER crossed my mind BEFORE I even got married!!!! I had no doubts. I was in love...100% certain this was for me and it still is. We went into our marriage as "one". We still get "get a room!" comments from our children when they catch us in a smooch.

Don't get me wrong...I know some people work very hard at their marriage and it still doesn't work out. Things happen...people get divorced for some very GOOD reasons. I get that. But I personally think that the general trend is leaning towards "I'll give it a whirl, but if I get bored...or if there's whiff of contention....I'm out"

A constantly fighting couple SHOULD get divorced rather than live in misery. But my question is WHY ARE SOOO MANY COUPLES MISERABLE? We have often made comments on this board about how selfish and self-centered the young day care parents can seem to be. I can only assume that doesn't stop at the door of the day care. It goes into their personal life too and thinking about another person before themselves doesn't register. It's all about ME ME ME.....not US.

I really can't think of a better answer to the whole situation. I dare say some of you will think I am close-minded and old-fashioned. But I can't help feeling sad when I see so many kids growing up knowing their parents hate each other or never even seeing one of them. Splitting up Christmas Day and birthdays etc......while necessary to the situation.....I find sad.

One poster mentioned having teens at her house discussing that "Christmas must **** at your house" (said to the teen with two parents together) because they were from divorced parents and therefore got double the presents. That's HORRIBLE! They really don't know what it's like to have Christmas in a loving home surrounded by their entire family. It's all about how much you GET and playing one parent against the other and the parents trying to outdo each other. So much for Christmas spirit!

Sorry for the long post. Again...I do not mean to offend anyone who is divorced. I am looking at the trend IN GENERAL.

[Country Kids]

Ok, I'll put a new twist on this one! I actually asked my parents to divorce. Well, really my mom and let her know if she didn't that I would leave and live somewhere else. To many details to go into of why but then my parents divorce didn't even officially wrap up for 10 years because of different things. I swear it was the longest divorce in history. I was married and had children before it was officially done!!!!! Also, I didn't see my father for at least 7 years during this time. When he did find me again, we began a relationship that was guarded on my part and it has taken me years to feel like I can be around him and not worry about things.

Of my 9 sets of parents only two are not with the father. I really, really like the stability of the others because I know where they have slept every night, who is dropping/picking up every day and who is paying me. Makes it soooo much easier!

[Sunshine44]

I really agree, it is sad. All of my daycare families are still together. I haven't had any that are divorced. Also, almost all of my friends are still married. I do have a few friends who are not with their 'babies daddy', but that is because they got pregnant as a teen and never got married to the guy. And that is not the norm here.

[Sunshine44]

And this dicussion really got me thinking about that. I am glad my kids have both me and my husband. All of their friends come from happy homes, not broken with divorce. I think it sets a good fountain for when they start dating.

[jen]

Jen...I didn't mean it as passing judgement on the kids or their parents. Some of my dck's are better off with the one parent. Some are not. Most seem happy.

It was more of a general observation really. I was sad because society as a whole has reached this point.
I am still in touch with many of my old childhood friends. Every single one of them has elderly parents still together and happy...or even if they have passed on...they were happily married "til death do us part". Most of my family and friends are married...but their children have more divorces in their lives and their grandchildren even more. Each generation gets worse. What's happening?

The only thing I can think of is that it is just too easy to throw in the towel when things get rough. Instead of working at it and growing and learning together...couples just give up or refuse to see that the other spouse may have a point. I've actually heard comments from engaged couples like "Well, if it doesn't work out, then we can just get divorced".. With that kind of an attitude, the relationship is doomed before it starts. I have been happily married for 30 years. Divorce NEVER crossed my mind BEFORE I even got married!!!! I had no doubts. I was in love...100% certain this was for me and it still is. We went into our marriage as "one". We still get "get a room!" comments from our children when they catch us in a smooch.

I would say that one of the reasons the there are more divorces is because there are more women in the workforce. Prior to the late 1960's divorce was really, really uncommon...so was working outside of the home. However, as women gained more financial independence, they became less likely to make due in marriages that weren't working for them...they simply had more options.

Also, whatever our thoughts on dual earner families may be, the increased hours away from home and family, in my opinion, are damaging to marital relationships.

**I know some people say they NEED both incomes, some want them, some want big things, doesn't really matter which.**

Then there is the social stigma that was once attached to being divorces, which really doesn't exist anymore.

I'm really glad your marriage worked out for you. I feel the same way about my husband now. I just feel very, very lucky to have found someone who works at it and values it as much as I do. I personally have never met anyone who had the attitude of "of well, we'll just get divorced" or met anyone who took the decision lightly and didn't experience a great deal of pain with that decision.

[Meeko]

I would say that one of the reasons the there are more divorces is because there are more women in the workforce. Prior to the late 1960's divorce was really, really uncommon...so was working outside of the home. However, as women gained more financial independence, they became less likely to make due in marriages that weren't working for them...they simply had more options.

Also, whatever our thoughts on dual earner families may be, the increased hours away from home and family, in my opinion, are damaging to marital relationships.

**I know some people say they NEED both incomes, some want them, some want big things, doesn't really matter which.**

Then there is the social stigma that was once attached to being divorces, which really doesn't exist anymore.

I'm really glad your marriage worked out for you. I feel the same way about my husband now. I just feel very, very lucky to have found someone who works at it and values it as much as I do. I personally have never met anyone who had the attitude of "of well, we'll just get divorced" or met anyone who took the decision lightly and didn't experience a great deal of pain with that decision.

Not with me now...but one DCM was married 2 times in the few years I tended her sons and is currently on number 3.. I have shed more tears and shown more emotion over a broken washing machine than she did on getting divorced.. Every "dad" was a deadbeat. She jumps in and out of marriage like teenagers do with pop star crushes.. each time, she only knew the guy a few week tops before rushing off to Vegas or something. It really is a mockery of marriage.

[jen]

Not with me now...but one DCM was married 2 times in the few years I tended her sons and is currently on number 3.. I have shed more tears and shown more emotion over a broken washing machine than she did on getting divorced.. Every "dad" was a deadbeat. She jumps in and out of marriage like teenagers do with pop star crushes.. each time, she only knew the guy a few week tops before rushing off to Vegas or something. It really is a mockery of marriage.

That is very sad...you have to wonder if she didn't have some serious issues at play in her life.

[Michelle]

Knowing what I know about some of the parents....the kids are better off with the one parent...but it still makes me sad that society as a whole has shifted along this path.

I am 50 years old. Not ancient (well...my kids think so) but when I was kid, I spent my days playing at my home (my parents are still together after 53 years) or at my friends home. Lots and lots of friends. I don't ever recall going to a home where there wasn't two parents. School functions always seemed to have both parents there too. Birthday parties...two parents...etc etc.

I currently have 8 clients with 19 children between them. Only two of those parents are married. That's 4 kids out of 19 that have parents together. Some of the kids have never even KNOWN a father.....just a constant stream of boyfriends and all their siblings have a different last name.......just makes me wonder what the next generation will be like.....

wow! That reminded me of something one of the kids asked my dd.
My 6 year old dcg asked my dd how many dads she has. Like it was a normal question. Also, I just had my new dcb ask me if I was his new mommy.