Ya Just Can't Help Children Of Rude, Entitled Parents!!

[Incognito]

If you know where/who she is likely lying to then you should report her. It is people like her that make it harder for people that really are trying to use it as a leg up like I was to get the help they need.

I am sorry your felt attacked, you do not need to not post such things in the future. However, I little more background on the parent in question would have help people (myself included) understand exactly where the parent and you where coming from.h

I know that this is a very sensitive issue for me as I have only been off of social service for 4 years and still remember in great detail the mean things people said to me when I asked for help, and the things people said when I had to put off buying shoes for my children until I had the money. I could go into more detail but do not want to hi-jack the post.

You really should report to anyone that you know this mom is getting help form that she brags to you abut making $2000 a month.

I didn't feel attacked by u or anyone else but the unregistered troll who is still twisting things after I explained it all. U are right I should have gave more background but I worry who may read this forum so I try to be a little descreet. I just had no one to talk to when this happened over the shoes and I had to vent. This on top of last weeks promise (from her to her kids) to buy shoes when she stood there poking her finger through one of the holes in the shoe laughing saying "I really gotta get them some new shoes huh?" It just makes me mad all over again so dropping this subject entirely. I just wanted to make sure u knew I meant no offense to u or anyone else. I may have come across against 2nd hand and assisted familes but that was not my intention at all!

As for it being a sensitive issue for u I totally understand and apologise if I insulted u in anyway. That was not my intentions at all! I too have been on assistance in the past and there is nothing wrong with it or needing it. What is wrong is the people who abuse it. It should be used to keep your head above water not take and take like this family does. That was my whole point but I guess I neglected to get it out right. I don't mind people being on assistance. I know a lady that has been on it for years actually BUT she doesn't abuse it. She reports her income although it is not much. I checked into the guidlines and dcm is making too much to get as much assistance that she is getting so she isn't reporting something wether it be her income or her husbands. I don't care anymore I am putting a stop to her long chatty visits when she returns Saturday morning. I have decided to adopt these kids and just buy them what they need when they need it. I have seen children going to school and being made fun of for the rags they wore and I will not allow that to happen under my watch so decision made, I bought them clothing and shoes.

Just to clairify again so it is not twisted by certain unregistered people...

I do NOT have a problem with 2nd hand clothing. I am wearing a goodwill shirt right now that says Earth Day. What I had a problem with was the neglect to buy anything new at all, ever, or at least more 2nd hand when the old ones become ragged. I admit we make messes here so old clothing is fine, even a hole or 2 but just not torn, hanging and clothing that doesn't fit at all.

I do NOT have a problem with govt assistance. I do have a problem with the people that abuse it and still can't treat their kids to a clean pair of shoes without holes. Especially when they run around with good shoes, new purses, cigarettes, and sodas every day.

I hope this clears everything up. If I am still wrong then so be it.

[familyschoolcare]

I didn't feel attacked by u or anyone else but the unregistered troll who is still twisting things after I explained it all. U are right I should have gave more background but I worry who may read this forum so I try to be a little descreet. I just had no one to talk to when this happened over the shoes and I had to vent. This on top of last weeks promise (from her to her kids) to buy shoes when she stood there poking her finger through one of the holes in the shoe laughing saying "I really gotta get them some new shoes huh?" It just makes me mad all over again so dropping this subject entirely. I just wanted to make sure u knew I meant no offense to u or anyone else. I may have come across against 2nd hand and assisted familes but that was not my intention at all!

As for it being a sensitive issue for u I totally understand and apologise if I insulted u in anyway. That was not my intentions at all! I too have been on assistance in the past and there is nothing wrong with it or needing it. What is wrong is the people who abuse it. It should be used to keep your head above water not take and take like this family does. That was my whole point but I guess I neglected to get it out right. I don't mind people being on assistance. I know a lady that has been on it for years actually BUT she doesn't abuse it. She reports her income although it is not much. I checked into the guidlines and dcm is making too much to get as much assistance that she is getting so she isn't reporting something wether it be her income or her husbands. I don't care anymore I am putting a stop to her long chatty visits when she returns Saturday morning. I have decided to adopt these kids and just buy them what they need when they need it. I have seen children going to school and being made fun of for the rags they wore and I will not allow that to happen under my watch so decision made, I bought them clothing and shoes.

Just to clairify again so it is not twisted by certain unregistered people...

I do NOT have a problem with 2nd hand clothing. I am wearing a goodwill shirt right now that says Earth Day. What I had a problem with was the neglect to buy anything new at all, ever, or at least more 2nd hand when the old ones become ragged. I admit we make messes here so old clothing is fine, even a hole or 2 but just not torn, hanging and clothing that doesn't fit at all.

I do NOT have a problem with govt assistance. I do have a problem with the people that abuse it and still can't treat their kids to a clean pair of shoes without holes. Especially when they run around with good shoes, new purses, cigarettes, and sodas every day.

I hope this clears everything up. If I am still wrong then so be it.

Thank you for the additional info. I do not think you are wrong now that I fully and compleatly understand where you are coming form. Which is sometime hard to do here B/C like you said you want to be discrete at the same time as explain what is going on. Also not communication in person mean we do not get to see body language.

I am just as upset at this mother as you are now that I understand she is taking advantage of the system. Like I said it is people like her that make it hard for others to use the system as a leg up and causes people to question wither or not you really need abc or not.

I hope you have the courage to report her she is taken advantage of our tax dollars and making life hard for other truly needy people.

[Ariana]

I didn't have time to read all the replies but as a DCP who provides care to 2 children who wear nothing but 2nd hand clothes that are too big or too small or with holes I feel your pain. I think your appraoch could have been a bit better because all you've accomplished is making the parent feel *this* small kwim? I know you're coming from a good place but perhaps you should have done what Nan suggested and have the stuff at your place to change into.

[Meeko]

I'm 100% right with you on this one.

I too have clients who mooch off the state while making sure they have season tickets to Snowbird ski resort every year(the passes are on their coats).....but their home is FILTHY and so are the kids. Free rent, free food, free utilities, free health care, free cash allowance (see ski pass).....and yes I know this because they too boast about it openly. I too have asked about shoes that fit and don't STINK like h*ll. Mom has a fancy android phone and wears fancy clothes (she has a fetish for colossal heels) while her children are in filthy clothes and her home is disgusting (see my worms in the carpet thread)

I know your frustration VERY well.

[Christian Mother]

Where I live $2,000 a month is plenty. I don't make that myself and I manage to pay my bills AND keep my kid in clean clothing and good shoes that fit. This DCM stood here and admitted that her kids NEVER get new only 2nd hand. She did NOT BUY them shoes!! She said they were hand me downs and already torn when she got them! When she does buy it's from goodwill or free from the salavtion army bin and they don't even fit. THAT is a damn shame I don't care how much she makes she can buy her kids an outfit at Walmart right now for $5. I just bought them 2 more and she makes more than I do! I am offended by what u say because I am not picky about what other people wear but when the shoes are so worn that the inside mesh is exposed everywhere and sock is showing through and the soles are coming off then it is time to spend money on shoes not new cell phones! I have beat around the bush with this DCM for months and she doesn't care so I have started getting more blunt I admit that.

For you to assume that I am being rude about MY STANDARDS is just ignorant! I have bought 2nd hand clothing as well for myself and my family I NEVER said it was a problem. The outfits that I bought them last month were from ebay BUT they FIT!! AND they were not ragged or stained! The problem is when that is ALL a child is permitted to have! AND they are ragged or don't fit! So GUESS WHAT, it DOES bother the kids when their feet hurt and the clothes keep hanging off or are too tight!!

These parents have many dif phones. Home, welfare cell that is reloaded with mins every month for free and the other phones thru altel. They don't need all of them so they could cut the Altel phone since the welfare phones are free! Also the don't pay for gas welfare pays that too every month. They don't pay for food welfare gives them hundreds in stamps, they don't pay for daycare either. The kids also get free med insurance so no bills there. They don't pay rent either. Soo $2,000 is plenty here. Actually I think she isn't reporting her income to welfare so she can get all those extras! I can see if we lived in a big city but we don't. We live in a small town where a 3-4 bedroom home can be rented for $300-$600 per month depending on size and area but again she doesnt have to pay rent! DCM stands here and brags about all the free benefits they get.

These poor kids don't even have clean clothes yet DCM usually does. Let me guess, Kids don't care if their clothes are clean right? NOOO reason for kids to be dirty and wear dirty clothing! She had the same sticky jelly stained shirt on a child for 3 days in a row!! WHY??? I finally took it off and called a friend to sit ith the kids so I could wash it! The shirt on DCB yesterday was so tight and small I couldn't get it off when he spilled choc milk down it! Yet DCGs tank top was so big the neck line lays on her belly exposing her whole chest! She has to keep pulling it up so she isn't exposed. She is UNCOMFORTABLE! Wait they don't mind that right? (see u don't like when I assume and twist things do u) The shoes are just a part of it and I finally snapped on that because they smell so foul I cant take it in my home anymore. I just went out and bought them each a new pair today. I spent a whole $30 for both! Now tell me why DCM couldn't do that once in a while? $30 isn't much for your childrens feet to be comfortable! In MY opinion anyway!

I tried very hard to be discreet at first here with these poor neglected children but U just set me off trying to turn the tables on me! So now u have the whole story... go ahead pick it apart and twist it some more! I try to help these poor kids and THIS is what I get. I am all for honest opinions when I ask for advise and such but to totally twist this. Not having it, sorry. I am done here!

Oh my gosh...you have me in tears!! Don't take this wrong but I want to send you money to help these kids!!

Bless you for opening your heart to these kids and wanting to help. I bet when bought those new clothes and shoes regardless that they are 2nd hand or brand new...they are NEW to them and special. I bet they where just happy happy to wear it.

My thoughts are with Nan and Catherine. Keep these things in your home and change them back into there old clothing before pick up. I am not sure but I can claim anything that I buy specifically for daycare. So if you are able to claim these things do. You'll get your $$ back. I am not lic. but I run my biz at home so I keep tabs on anything clothes, supplies, food, gas etc.

Again, that was awesome that you bought those littles new things. Bless you!!

[Incognito]

Update

Saturday morning is here and I just wanted to update on the new shoes and outfits I gave the kids today. I had them in a bag and discussed it with DCM before showing the kids in case she didn't want them or would be offended. I took the advise I was given here and tried to be more gentle with her. I sat beside her with the bag and touched her arm to show my sincerity and said "Hon I know u said u need to get the kids some shoes and I thought maybe I could help. If u don't mind my helping u that is?" She peers over into the bag and says "Yeah I can use all the help I can get, what did u get?" I opened the bag and showed her. I said "there are 2 new outfits and 2 new pairs of shoes. I hope the kids will like them and I hope u don't mind me buying them, I just want to help the kids and I know u try..." She interrupted me with "**** u can buy them all u want that's less that I have to buy!" ( I'm sitting there speechless not knowing what to say now.) She starts digging through the bag and looking them over and says "cool"

She calls the kids over from across the room and says "look what u guys got! NEW STUFF!!" The DCG is jumping up and down and immediately take off her shoes and tries them on. DCB can't get his on but he takes them to the sofa and sits them beside him and plays with the laces. DCG is running around watching her feet and laughing. They didn't try on the clothes but she loved her princess outfit and he loved Elmo! I told DCM "I am glad they like them and I am sorry if I offended u earlier this week" She said "When did u offend me" I said "when we were discussing the shoes and then I text u asking sizes I apologise" She said "I wasn't offended I just didn't feel like going and looking for their shoes right then and just wanted u to go get your cousins and have them here so I could see for myself if they fit the kids" I told her I was glad I didn't offend her and that if I can help in anyway I would be happy to help with the kids. She said "I can use all the extra I can get so anytime u want to buy the kids stuff go ahead. I will never turn down free stuff". So being that I have her full permission now I will be doing all I can for the kids. Clothing is cheap when u catch sales. Right now at Walmart the toddler/preschooler clothing is $4.88 per piece. Not bad at all, under $10 for a whole outfit!

I'm glad it went over smoothly. As DCM walked out the door she yelled back "If u want to go buy some new shoes for me I am a size 8!" and laughs closing the door. I know she was joking (hope anyway because that isn't happening ) I feel a little odd about the way she accepted the stuff but I am not saying anything else here. I just wanted to update. Oh and I didn't keep the shoes and outfits here because the kids are old enough to tell DCM that I am changing them here so I just wanted to avoid a whole other issue with that. With DCG being so happy and dancing around watching her feet I know she won't want to take them off anyway and I just can't break her heart by making her leave them here. She shoould be able to be happy and comfortable at home too so I am letting her take them home today. If they get ruined quickly for some reason I will replace them then explain why they must be kept at daycare at that point. I am just thankful I got over this hurdle. Thanks for the advise everyone!

[mom2many]

I'm so glad it went well! I'm sure it was extremely special for them to get the new outfits and shoes...especially your dcg! I would not have been able to tell them they needed to leave them at my house either. You handled it well and I think it is so cool what you did! They are so very lucky to have you!

[nannyde]

Saturday morning is here and I just wanted to update on the new shoes and outfits I gave the kids today. I had them in a bag and discussed it with DCM before showing the kids in case she didn't want them or would be offended. I took the advise I was given here and tried to be more gentle with her. I sat beside her with the bag and touched her arm to show my sincerity and said "Hon I know u said u need to get the kids some shoes and I thought maybe I could help. If u don't mind my helping u that is?" She peers over into the bag and says "Yeah I can use all the help I can get, what did u get?" I opened the bag and showed her. I said "there are 2 new outfits and 2 new pairs of shoes. I hope the kids will like them and I hope u don't mind me buying them, I just want to help the kids and I know u try..." She interrupted me with "**** u can buy them all u want that's less that I have to buy!" ( I'm sitting there speechless not knowing what to say now.) She starts digging through the bag and looking them over and says "cool"

She calls the kids over from across the room and says "look what u guys got! NEW STUFF!!" The DCG is jumping up and down and immediately take off her shoes and tries them on. DCB can't get his on but he takes them to the sofa and sits them beside him and plays with the laces. DCG is running around watching her feet and laughing. They didn't try on the clothes but she loved her princess outfit and he loved Elmo! I told DCM "I am glad they like them and I am sorry if I offended u earlier this week" She said "When did u offend me" I said "when we were discussing the shoes and then I text u asking sizes I apologise" She said "I wasn't offended I just didn't feel like going and looking for their shoes right then and just wanted u to go get your cousins and have them here so I could see for myself if they fit the kids" I told her I was glad I didn't offend her and that if I can help in anyway I would be happy to help with the kids. She said "I can use all the extra I can get so anytime u want to buy the kids stuff go ahead. I will never turn down free stuff". So being that I have her full permission now I will be doing all I can for the kids. Clothing is cheap when u catch sales. Right now at Walmart the toddler/preschooler clothing is $4.88 per piece. Not bad at all, under $10 for a whole outfit!

I'm glad it went over smoothly. As DCM walked out the door she yelled back "If u want to go buy some new shoes for me I am a size 8!" and laughs closing the door. I know she was joking (hope anyway because that isn't happening ) I feel a little odd about the way she accepted the stuff but I am not saying anything else here. I just wanted to update. Oh and I didn't keep the shoes and outfits here because the kids are old enough to tell DCM that I am changing them here so I just wanted to avoid a whole other issue with that. With DCG being so happy and dancing around watching her feet I know she won't want to take them off anyway and I just can't break her heart by making her leave them here. She shoould be able to be happy and comfortable at home too so I am letting her take them home today. If they get ruined quickly for some reason I will replace them then explain why they must be kept at daycare at that point. I am just thankful I got over this hurdle. Thanks for the advise everyone!

It was very sweet of you to buy things for the kids. It shows how kind and thoughtful you are.

The Moms reaction is just telling you that she wants free and when she gets free she is happy. She's never going to be upset when she gets special and that special is free.

Just be prepared for the stuff that you bought them to either never come on them to child care or when they do come they will most likely get trashed pretty quickly. If you give the entitled free they want to use it on their own clock or they don't take care of it. You know this about her because she is getting so much for free and keeping it for herself and not spending the free she gets BECAUSE of the kids on the kids.

Just be prepared for either scenario.

If they don't have other shoes you will most likely see them on them. Just gear up for them to be worn out quickly or lost. I just don't want you to be upset if you end up in a few weeks with kids with ratty stinky shoes on and clothes that don't fit and are worn. There's just a really good chance that what you end up with on your end is what you had before you bought them the stuff.

[Kaddidle Care]

Ummm - Thank You might have been nice.

It sounds like the kids thanked you without the words though. Makes it all worth while.

[kendallina]

Oh, boy. I don't even know where to start here. First of all, $2,000 a month is NOT a lot of money. Yes, they should be able to buy their children shoes and in fact they HAVE bought them shoes. They are just not up to YOUR standards. I agree with others who say that if you don't like what the parents provide, to buy items for the child to wear there, and leave it alone.

Secondly, there is NOTHING wrong with second-hand clothing. My child wears a lot of hand-me-downs, and items bought at Goodwill and eBay. They are perfectly good clothes and cost me a fraction of what it would to buy new. Not buying your kids new clothes does not make you a bad parent. Guess what? Kids don't know or care if their clothes are new or not! My daughter looks adorable in brand-name clothing that I have bought on a budget. I think it's something to be proud, not ashamed of!

Finally, I encourage you to look at this from the parent's point of view. You have basically told her that what she is providing for her child isn't good enough. It's really presumptuous of you to take it upon yourself to decide this woman's children "deserve" new clothes and that since she is not buying them for them, it is up to you. Rather than ask her if the children had "good" shoes to wear to the museum, maybe you could have just said that you thought the child's shoes were getting a bit snug and it was time for a larger pair. When you started texting her about the clothes, she was probably thinking, "Oh no, not this again!" I think your heart is in the right place but you are a bit misguided. If you want to broach the subject with her again, tell her, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come across that way. I just thought maybe it would help you out to have these clothes since you said you were short on cash. I hope that I haven't offended you, I just wanted to help. Are you still interested in the clothes?"

I absolutely agree!!

[mom2many]

It was very sweet of you to buy things for the kids. It shows how kind and thoughtful you are.

The Moms reaction is just telling you that she wants free and when she gets free she is happy. She's never going to be upset when she gets special and that special is free.

Just be prepared for the stuff that you bought them to either never come on them to child care or when they do come they will most likely get trashed pretty quickly. If you give the entitled free they want to use it on their own clock or they don't take care of it. You know this about her because she is getting so much for free and keeping it for herself and not spending the free she gets BECAUSE of the kids on the kids.

Just be prepared for either scenario.

If they don't have other shoes you will most likely see them on them. Just gear up for them to be worn out quickly or lost. I just don't want you to be upset if you end up in a few weeks with kids with ratty stinky shoes on and clothes that don't fit and are worn. There's just a really good chance that what you end up with on your end is what you had before you bought them the stuff.

I guess I am not this cynical. I try to look at things in a much more optimistic way...I may not always be right in doing so, but OP had her heart in the right place and had good intentions and IMHO those little ones will benefit in the end.

I believe God places "special" people in the lives of others for a reason and if she is able to reach out and do something nice...not expecting anything in return, then something good will come from it.

Yes, maybe dcm won't be appreciative and think she is deserving and expect to have her little ones taken care of by others, but in my years of experience NO good deed EVER goes unnoticed!

I welcome my dcks coming in second hand clothing and get concerned when I have someone that sends their child in something nice. We do lots of fun and messy activities and the dcms all know not to send them in their "Sunday Best!" However, they are clean and not ill fitting. Shoes fit and don't have holes. In my 25 years, I've never had to experience something this sad.

I also know that every parent does not make the best choices on how they spend their money and not every child is given what they need. Not a WANT, but a NEED! I truly believe that the OP is doing an awesome thing and whether mom acknowledges or merely expects it...this is definitely not what is important. The children are the ones that will benefit from this act of kindness and that is what resonates with me!

If the shoes get trashed...so be it! The kids will be the one wearing them and I have gotten things for children less fortunate too (not my own dcks, but other kids that were in need) and if anything they cherish those items and don't ever abuse them.

[Cat Herder]

I guess I am not this cynical. I try to look at things in a much more optimistic way...

Oh, hun..... It is not cynical.

Nan has listened to me for nearly two years crying about how I have paid Hospital bills for a couple DCK's after sitting bedside with them for weeks in the ICU, paid for their entire Christmas (for siblings, too) and provided free childcare for TWO YEARS only to have the family bad mouth me when I told them I could not afford to do it anymore. (once they got assistance, free housing and debt forgiven)

She is trying to let her know what could happen so she is not blind sided by it.

Not everything learned from experience is cynicism.

[Meeko]

Oh, hun..... It is not cynical.

Nan has listened to me for nearly two years crying about how I have paid Hospital bills for a couple DCK's after sitting bedside with them for weeks in the ICU, paid for their entire Christmas (for siblings, too) and provided free childcare for TWO YEARS only to have the family bad mouth me when I told them I could not afford to do it anymore. (once they got assistance, free housing and debt forgiven)

She is trying to let her know what could happen so she is not blind sided by it.

Not everything learned from experience is cynicism.

Sad, but oh so true.

[DBug]

OP, thanks for taking care of these kids! Who cares what dcm says (or doesn't say), even though a little appreciation would be nice. What you did meant THE WORLD to those kids, and THEY will remember that someone loved them enough to give them new shoes & clothes.

IMHO, that's the most important thing

[Unregistered]

And I thank you for sharing with me the other side of it. I did not realize that providers could get in trouble. That is really not fair. However, the OP doesn't say anything about that. It seemed more to me that she thought this mom was awful for not buying her kids new clothes. Perhaps I was mistaken. As for me, I will continue to send my child to daycare in secondhand clothes. I try to send her dressed in things that are comfortable, easy for diaper changes, and that I don't care if they come home ruined. She gets really dirty sometimes and I'd rather just laugh and think about the fun time she must have had rather than spend an hour crying and scrubbing stains out of a $40 outfit.

As a provider I tell the parents to PLEASE send the children in play clothing that can get stained and dirty. I let them know in advance of our field trips so that they can wear nicer clothes out in public, but at my house nothing fancy.