Bad Situation with Home DCP

[Hunni Bee]

I would not want a 16 year old boy's hands on my 4 year old daughter and niece. Obviously he has some boundary issues if they told him to stop and he didnt...who's to say he wont take it further and not stop then either? You just don't know.

If they asked the child to come in, and she didn't, she should have been "helped" inside. That's not an excuse for her to be left outside unattended.

"Gladys" and her husband are the DCPs...not her son. Just because he's of age does not make him a stand-in assistant. He probably has no CPR training, no first aid...everybody who lives in a DCP's house is does not automatically have the authority to watch the children.

I would file a report because if they are still allowing their son to be alone with kids and he's touching them against their will, something bad may happen to someone's child. If nothing comes of the report, then fine. But it won't hurt you to file one.

As for her going off on you, that's just further proof that something is not right that she's trying to hide. I'd make sure your niece is pulled as well.

[Unregistered]

report it

Normal 16 yo boys don't play with 4 yo girls.

Either he was on duty, or there are other issues - which means other kids may be at risk. Your report now could prevent a problem you wouldn't imagine now...even if it is just getting him off the hook for doing mom and dad's job.

[dEHmom]

once again we don't know if he is allowed to be watching the kids. he may be a provider as well.

but the fact that neither of the ADULTS were aware that the other wasn't watching, is a bad sign. how often are they assuming the other is watching?

"tickling" is a word that commonly is used by kids. Because touches can tickle. I would definitely just ask a few questions, not hinting at something, but allowing the child to explain...when he was tickling you, was it on your tummy? your back? your feet? let them fill in the blanks. do not in any way GIVE them the words, or you are setting yourself up for a bad situation.

I also agree with the pp that stated that the reaction that you received from the provider is a red flag....
I know that if it was me, i would defend my son off the hop, but i would remain professional, and be empathetic. no not sympathetic, empathetic. the way she reacted was NOT professional, and not called for. If you went in there accusing her son of molestation or something, ok, that's a little bit different.

my biggest question....HOW LONG were the kid(s) outside unsupervised by adults, and alone with a teenager?

[laundrymom]

Normal 16 yo boys don't play with 4 yo girls.

Either he was on duty, or there are other issues - which means other kids may be at risk. Your report now could prevent a problem you wouldn't imagine now...even if it is just getting him off the hook for doing mom and dad's job.

I disagree. Wholeheartedly. My son and his friends (20yrs old now) routinely play with the kids. They have since he was old enough to have a life separate from my job. I completely understand the sexual abuse fear, it's a very real one in this day and time. However, I can think of three times THIS week when he wrestled with them, either twirling them tickling or just being a big strong jungle gym, and although they say stop bubby!!! Stop!! And he does. They dive bomb him as soon as his head is turned. Only to say stop bubby again. I say this provider probably said " hey Bub can you watch them while I potty" or something like that. She got distracted, he got bored, probably tickled them in a fun game and maybe didn't stop for 10-15 seconds which to a preschoolers is an eternity. He came in to find mom and saw the op. Kids were mad they lost their play mate, provider was embarrassed she looked like she wasn't doing her job. And got flustered. I think the fact that this young man was truthful and didn't hide his affection for the kids spoke volumes. I only hope a lot of day children get the positive type of attention as this. I only hope they see teen boys as caring role models. They look up to the older children in our homes as sibling role models and that is a precious gift that never is mentioned in the interview kids need to grow up seeing confident caring rolemodels of every age, gender and color. I wish the op luck in her decision. But if her gut told her the boy did nothing wrong and it was simply an error on the providers part. I think it would be a disservice to attempt to have an investigation done. Maybe a nice short explanation as to why she dropped care, and tell her that you hope she plans better for supervision in the future because less attentive parents could get mixed signals and cause trouble for her.

[daycare]

I disagree. Wholeheartedly. My son and his friends (20yrs old now) routinely play with the kids. They have since he was old enough to have a life separate from my job. I completely understand the sexual abuse fear, it's a very real one in this day and time. However, I can think of three times THIS week when he wrestled with them, either twirling them tickling or just being a big strong jungle gym, and although they say stop bubby!!! Stop!! And he does. They dive bomb him as soon as his head is turned. Only to say stop bubby again. I say this provider probably said " hey Bub can you watch them while I potty" or something like that. She got distracted, he got bored, probably tickled them in a fun game and maybe didn't stop for 10-15 seconds which to a preschoolers is an eternity. He came in to find mom and saw the op. Kids were mad they lost their play mate, provider was embarrassed she looked like she wasn't doing her job. And got flustered. I think the fact that this young man was truthful and didn't hide his affection for the kids spoke volumes. I only hope a lot of day children get the positive type of attention as this. I only hope they see teen boys as caring role models. They look up to the older children in our homes as sibling role models and that is a precious gift that never is mentioned in the interview kids need to grow up seeing confident caring rolemodels of every age, gender and color. I wish the op luck in her decision. But if her gut told her the boy did nothing wrong and it was simply an error on the providers part. I think it would be a disservice to attempt to have an investigation done. Maybe a nice short explanation as to why she dropped care, and tell her that you hope she plans better for supervision in the future because less attentive parents could get mixed signals and cause trouble for her.

I agree 100% with this.

My son is 15, almost 16 and he is just like your son. He loves the DCKs, all of them. He too is a huge jungle gym and as soon as they see him, they all attach his legs and take him down to the ground and just start one huge ticklet fest. I often don't let it get too crazy, as someone always ends up getting a kick or elbow to some part of the body. I love that my son is good with the kids, however, he knows that he is never to touch them. he is never to discipline them and never to do anything other than just play.
I think my son will be a great father one day, I can already see it.

I too think that the fact that the son admitted what he was doing does speak volumes. I look at this case as the provider over reacted.

I don't think that a 16 year old is wrong with playing with children that are in his house. Now if he is seeking them outside of his house, that's a problem

[youretooloud]

I disagree. Wholeheartedly. My son and his friends (20yrs old now) routinely play with the kids.

Yes... mine love the little ones too. Just yesterday the 18 yr old was doing "Acrobats" with the kids. I wouldn't hesitate to let my kids play with the little ones. I even have a grown ex daycare boy who plays with the kids when he comes by. They love him.

My concern with this post was never that the 16 yr old would molest the kids, but that the provider felt guilty for something and was trying to cover it up.

Either she didn't even know they were out there... or worse yet, got mad at them and sent them out and maybe that's why they were crying.

[dEHmom]

i know some people won't let their dh play with the kids, or some dh's probably don't care to play with the kids. But my dck's love my dh. he comes home from work, and they swarm him to play.

I just want to clarify that i wasn't implying that the teen was molesting or anything. But even when my daughter said my step dad was tickling her, and yada yada, i just ask a few non chalant questions just to clarify. I always avoid the questions that will give them the words, or the impression that something worse happened. but i leave it open so they CAN tell me should something have happened. does that make sense???

i think my last dcg had a crush on my dh, because as soon as he was around, even when we went to a bbq at their house, she ditched me real fast to sit on him. it was super cute.

i don't think it's fair to not allow our own children to play with dck's. and you are right, she may have just asked him to keep an eye on them for a few minutes while she was going to the bathroom, or flipping a load of laundry, or whatever it was. but i still think it's important to keep in mind that he is not the one responsible for these children. this whole issue really is about the PAID PROVIDER not watching the children, and the reaction that followed. she probably was flustered, but she did not remain professional when she was called out.

[greenhouse]

Normal 16 yo boys don't play with 4 yo girls.

Either he was on duty, or there are other issues - which means other kids may be at risk. Your report now could prevent a problem you wouldn't imagine now...even if it is just getting him off the hook for doing mom and dad's job.

Ditto this. I feel like you just can't be too cautious unfortunately. This whole scenario puts me on edge. It takes just one small minute to harm a child forever.
I make a promise to all DCP that their kids will NEVER be left alone with anyone but myself or my mother who is a teacher herself.

[daycare]

I have a DCF who said that they are not ok with my husband acting as a back up provider. They have two girls in care here and they don't want my husband watching them. I never leave the DC unless the kids are napping and try not to schedule Doc. apts on the days that they are here. They have been at my DC for almost 2 years...

I finally told them that if they don't want to accept my husband as my back up then they will have to pick up their children or find alternate care on those days.

[Michelle]

Everyone agrees that the provider overreacted, do you think it might be in reaction to the "intense " conversation she was having with that other parent?
Maybe that other parent set her off and she was upset and just blew it.

I also agree with most of you about letting your awesome sons play a part in your daycare. My son was a leprechaun a couple months ago and he had a green bucket of gold coins, green hat and beard , the kids chased him all over the yard laughing like crazy! he tried to sound like an irish gentleman. It was hilarious !!!!
some of these kids need this awesome example of what a good man should be like. some don't have any male role models.

[daycare]

Everyone agrees that the provider overreacted, do you think it might be in reaction to the "intense " conversation she was having with that other parent?
Maybe that other parent set her off and she was upset and just blew it.

I also agree with most of you about letting your awesome sons play a part in your daycare. My son was a leprechaun a couple months ago and he had a green bucket of gold coins, green hat and beard , the kids chased him all over the yard laughing like crazy! he tried to sound like an irish gentleman. It was hilarious !!!!
some of these kids need this awesome example of what a good man should be like. some don't have any male role models.

OMG that is the cutest thing I have ever heard.... can you rent him out?

[Crystal]

I find it offensive that (by some providers here) it is automatically assumed that this young man must have been up to no good and that "Normal 16 year old boys don't play with 4 year old girls" Are you saying an older brother shouldn't play with his little sister, or an uncle shouldn't play with his niece.....god forbid they should do that, they wouldn't be considered "normal"

My son played a significant role in my program when he still lived at home. In California, at 14 years old, anyone can be an assistant. AND, it doesn't have to be reported to licensing when doing so..... the only stipulation is that if licensing comes for a visit you have proof that the child is 14 or older. If they are 18 then they have to be fingerprinted, cpr cert. etc. My son was a FABULOUS addition to my program, and my husband works with me full time as well....he plays with the kids ALL DAY, EVERY DAY. My son, now 20, still stops by from time to time and plays with the kids. They ADORE him. If everyone thought like some of you do I, as well as countless other providers, would not be in business. Are those of you with sons going to keep them completely 100% away from daycare? I think that's not likely.

I am surprised some of you jumped on that when the OP clearly stated that she was not concerned about the 16 year old playing with the kids and that she felt that it was innocent.

[daycare]

I find it offensive that (by some providers here) it is automatically assumed that this young man must have been up to no good and that "Normal 16 year old boys don't play with 4 year old girls" Are you saying an older brother shouldn't play with his little sister, or an uncle shouldn't play with his niece.....god forbid they should do that, they wouldn't be considered "normal"

My son played a significant role in my program when he still lived at home. In California, at 14 years old, anyone can be an assistant. AND, it doesn't have to be reported to licensing when doing so..... the only stipulation is that if licensing comes for a visit you have proof that the child is 14 or older. If they are 18 then they have to be fingerprinted, cpr cert. etc. My son was a FABULOUS addition to my program, and my husband works with me full time as well....he plays with the kids ALL DAY, EVERY DAY. My son, now 20, still stops by from time to time and plays with the kids. They ADORE him. If everyone thought like some of you do I, as well as countless other providers, would not be in business. Are those of you with sons going to keep them completely 100% away from daycare? I think that's not likely.

I am surprised some of you jumped on that when the OP clearly stated that she was not concerned about the 16 year old playing with the kids and that she felt that it was innocent.

great points here crystal....
like I said, I see nothing wrong with it unless the teenage boy was going outside the home to seek out playing with little girls of this age...

Like you, I am in CA as is the OP. I just see a lot of unprofessinalism here in this case and thats it...

[jen]

My dck love my 17 year old as well! Just this week he was walking up the stairs and one of the little daycare kids hugged his legs when he walked by! Fortunately no one here thinks its weird that my son is good to the daycare kids!

[Michelle]

OMG that is the cutest thing I have ever heard.... can you rent him out?

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I keep telling him he's going to be a good daddy someday.