The Boy And The Pink Dress

[Sugar Magnolia]

I have a 4 year old boy who attends my center. He has always liked dolls and playing kitchen and dress up, which is fine. But about a month ago, we got a new set of dress up clothes including: police, firefighter, medical worker, construction worker. We also got some "fantasy clothes" including a knight and a princess outfit. He was immediately interested in the pink princess dress, and of course I let him try it out. His interest has become an obsession though. He wants it the second he arrives. I let him wear it saying "you have a half hour to play dress up, then you have to give someone else a turn." This worked for awhile. Now he gets upset when I ask him to take it off, and then sulks for quite some time after he takes it off. He gets angry if one of the girls puts it on. "That's my princess dress! You don't touch it!" Of course, I don't allow him to claim 'ownership' of the dress. Lately he says things like "I am a girl, I will be a girl when I grow up, I am NOT a boy." He calls all people "she" or "her". The other kids hear him say this, and they laugh. They also say things like "boys don't wear dresses" and he gets upset. I tell them to "be nice, he is just pretending." And other parents come in the morning and look at me like "why are you allowing this?!?". This dress makes the boy feel secure and happy, but his attachment to it creates problems with the other kids. I can see why. My job and mantra is to "be fair and share". I have discussed with mom, she encourages it at home by allowing him to wear her dresses, makeup, etc, but then expresses her frustration with this all-things-girly obsession too. Should I:
A. Disappear the dress, say it needs 'fixed' and see if he forgets about it?
B. Allow him to wear the dress without restriction because he has emotional issues and this calms him.
C. Restrict dress wearing time and insist he share with the girls.
D. Something else?????
I dunno. My gut says "c" but I am torn. His parents are divorcing and I just want him to feel safe, secure and loved, but I also know its not fair to the girls that also like the dress. WWYD??

[jen]

Does his mom have a dress she can let him wear to daycare? Perhaps if he is allowed unfettered access to a dress, he'll get board of it soon enough.

[laundrymom]

Id treat the dress just as any other toy that became an issue, it would go away until it wasnt an issue,.. same as a car, truck, board game or anything else. Has nothing to do with the traditional gender use of the item.

I have a 4 year old boy who attends my center. He has always liked dolls and playing kitchen and dress up, which is fine. But about a month ago, we got a new set of dress up clothes including: police, firefighter, medical worker, construction worker. We also got some "fantasy clothes" including a knight and a princess outfit. He was immediately interested in the pink princess dress, and of course I let him try it out. His interest has become an obsession though. He wants it the second he arrives. I let him wear it saying "you have a half hour to play dress up, then you have to give someone else a turn." This worked for awhile. Now he gets upset when I ask him to take it off, and then sulks for quite some time after he takes it off. He gets angry if one of the girls puts it on. "That's my princess dress! You don't touch it!" Of course, I don't allow him to claim 'ownership' of the dress. Lately he says things like "I am a girl, I will be a girl when I grow up, I am NOT a boy." He calls all people "she" or "her". The other kids hear him say this, and they laugh. They also say things like "boys don't wear dresses" and he gets upset. I tell them to "be nice, he is just pretending." And other parents come in the morning and look at me like "why are you allowing this?!?". This dress makes the boy feel secure and happy, but his attachment to it creates problems with the other kids. I can see why. My job and mantra is to "be fair and share". I have discussed with mom, she encourages it at home by allowing him to wear her dresses, makeup, etc, but then expresses her frustration with this all-things-girly obsession too. Should I:
A. Disappear the dress, say it needs 'fixed' and see if he forgets about it?
B. Allow him to wear the dress without restriction because he has emotional issues and this calms him.
C. Restrict dress wearing time and insist he share with the girls.
D. Something else?????
I dunno. My gut says "c" but I am torn. His parents are divorcing and I just want him to feel safe, secure and loved, but I also know its not fair to the girls that also like the dress. WWYD??

[nannyde]

Boy or girl, I wouldn't allow claiming of any toy.

A) I would nix the dress completely and tell him to go play toys.

If a kid fixates on something here and that something is the measure of their minute to minute happiness it gets put up.

[Sugar Magnolia]

Jen, she does NOT want him wearing dresses to school. She is clearly embarassed, yet encourages it at home. I am also afraid of teasing if I allowed this. They are just kids and "only girls wear dresses" is hard enough to answer as it is....
But your idea has merit, and I appreciate your input!

[Sugar Magnolia]

Boy or girl, I wouldn't allow claiming of any toy.

A) I would nix the dress completely and tell him to go play toys.

If a kid fixates on something here and that something is the measure of their minute to minute happiness it gets put up.

Normally, I would 100 percent agree, that has always been the policy here. No claiming, all sharing. But this boy seems to have a deeper-seated issue and maybe its best to get a psycologist involved? And it seems to unfairly punish the girls who play normal and nice with the dress.... I am totally at a loss. My gut agrees with you, but I am still torn.

[youretooloud]

We have a few kids who have claimed stuffed toys as their own. I don't mind that.

But, the dress would either go into seclusion for a while, or I'd let the other kids have turns first and let him wear it a long time if the other kids don't want a turn.

If he just can't get over the "it's mine" issue, I'd just take the dress away from everybody. I don't want that stress, the kids don't need the stress and crying.

[PitterPatter]

Maybe find a kilt on ebay or something to appease the Mom a little? Maybe he would become attached to that and the girls can have the dress back. Other than that if the sharing won't work I would have it disappear for a while if there are other play clothes for them. If it got torn u would have to do the same thing anyway so make it a part of pretend.

[daycare]

I agree with this...treat it just like any other toy! and good for you for letting this child validate how he feels.....

I say c
and then if it still becomes an issue, I would nix it... I have had to remove toys from the DC area when the kids keep fighting over it

[Sugar Magnolia]

Liking the kilt idea!!!!

[nannyde]

Normally, I would 100 percent agree, that has always been the policy here. No claiming, all sharing. But this boy seems to have a deeper-seated issue and maybe its best to get a psycologist involved? And it seems to unfairly punish the girls who play normal and nice with the dress.... I am totally at a loss. My gut agrees with you, but I am still torn.

If he has deeper issues it can't be solved by a pink dress. If he has deeper issues it's time to for them to rise to the surface and not have an "invisibility" cloak over them like the fixation and energy going to the pink dress.

The girls could go their whole life and never have a pink play dress at day care and turn out fine.

Put it up and see what he does next.

[countrymom]

I would get rid of the dress for a while. I do allow children to express themselves (I never let their fathers know, that would be horrible) but I've never had one in love with girls dresses. I think mom needs to stop too, she's not helping the situation.

[Sugar Magnolia]

I think will put it up after school today and see what happens tomorrow. Thank you Nannyde If it goes horribly wrong tomorrow, I will request a parent conference so we can reach an agreement. If I nix the dress at school, shouldn't I ask her to nix the dresses and nail polish at home though too?? Doesn't he need some consistency of rules? Why should she dress him up and then let me deal with "no" at school? The dress IS going to disappear, I just don't want to harm him psychologically.....

[Meyou]

I'd put the dress away just like any toy that was a fixation or a source or arguments.

[kcnjason]

Boy in a pink dress

I have the SAME EXACT thing at my daycare. He is 4 years old and prefers girl stuff. I would treat the dress as any other toy. Our dcb is the only and the other are all girls. He is more into the girls attire than the girls' themselves. He is determined he is a girl, he is going back in his moms belly and he will come out a girl and if he doesn't, he believe he WILL turn into a girl soon. There are obviously underlying issues there, which are not of my concern. I am not the parent, he is not my family, I just care for him during the work hours. They need to be treated as we treat everyone else. I accept him for who he is. He asks to have his nails painted, I paint them. He wants to wear high heels, I let him. If we go to the park, he wants to take a play purse, I let him. He is who he is, I can't change him. It's what he is interested in. Leave it in the parents' hands if they do not want him to wear "girl" attire. We can only do so much. My dcb does get teased by the girls, he does not care. His parent allow it, so I will not deny it. It is very hard, but these children are confused for some reason. It could be that they really admire their mother, or some woman figure in their life. I feel that it's out of my hands and if the parents allow it at home, I will not deny him of it at my place. All of my dcp know how he is, we all chuckle but know "he is who he is". Good luck with that but definately treat it as any other toy.