What Do You Think About A Forced Apology?

[youretooloud]

By forced, I mean something like "You can't go play until you say sorry".

[Meyou]

I don't let them leave timeout until they are ready to say sorry. I think it's just as important for them to acknowledge their behavior both to themselves and to the person they hurt as it is to understand there are repurcussions for naughtiness.

[TBird]

I usually say something like "Wow...you really hurt X's feeling by what you said or did. We have a few extra minutes before we go outside so we'd be willing to wait until you say you're sorry." Then we sit down and wait. Kind of like "guilting" instead of forcing, LOL!!! I have no problem with it...::

[KEG123]

Torn. On one hand they need to know that what they did (whatever it was) was naughty and on the other hand, I think that by forcing them it almost makes it insincere. Like "SORRY NOW LET ME GO OUTSIDE"... kwim?

[Crystal]

I don't make children say sorry. They don't really understand it (depending on age/dev. level) and even if they do, if they are being forced to say it, then they don't mean it.

Those that do understand what it means will usuaully say it on their own when I help them resolve the conflict with the other child. I have the other child tell the one who has wronged them what it was they did that they did not like and how it made them feel. That is usually enough to evoke a sincere apology from the aggressor.

[daycare]

I have a dck who will hit and then turn around and say sorry right away, as if it justifies it. Then I have one that will not say sorry no matter what..

I explain to her that if she can't feel bad for hurting someone it is not ok and it is not ok to hurt anyone ever. No matter what I say, she won't say sorry.
I just let it go and make sure that I really tell her how the other person feels.
I hope that one day she will start to get it. she is 3.5, you would think that she understand this by now.

[MissAnn]

By forced, I mean something like "You can't go play until you say sorry".

I ask the kid who hit (for instance) how could he have handled it differently (this takes a lot of practice)

then I have him/her tell the kid how he/she would have done it differently

Then the kid who got hit gets to speak her mind.....for instance.....Johnny, you hit me an I didn't like it.

I don't force an apology.....just teaches them to aplogize and not mean it.

[DCMomOf3]

Torn. On one hand they need to know that what they did (whatever it was) was naughty and on the other hand, I think that by forcing them it almost makes it insincere. Like "SORRY NOW LET ME GO OUTSIDE"... kwim?

If my kids do that I tell them they have to mean it. They will do it again with a MUCH better tone, and with a hug to boot.

[Blackcat31]

Unless a child truly understand what apologizing means, forcing them to do so is pointless. There needs to be some discussion about why we apologize and how we apologize to people. I have several kids like a pp'er said that willhit and immediately say sorry and then when I say anything about their behavior they look at me and say "But I said I was sorry." like it's a free pass not a genuine statement that shows regret for their actions.

I think forcing a child to apologize is like eating celery...there really is no point at all.

[MissAnn]

it's a free pass not a genuine statement that shows regret for their actions.

at all.

And then the kid who was hit (or whatever) says....it's Ok. Well, no it's not OK! Just because you said sorry doesn't mean it's OK. Sometimes I will say, no, it's not OK, but it's nice that he/she asked if you were OK......

[AnythingsPossible]

I do not believe in a forced apology. When someone does something to someone else, we talk about it and I let them know that I am dissapointed in their behavior. I do tell them that it would be nice if they apologized for what they did, but don't make them. Honestly, sometimes they aren't sorry for what they did. Forcing them to say sorry just enforces the idea of telling a grown up what they want to hear, not necessarily what's the truth. A lot of kids look at "sorry" as a get out of jail free card. "But I said Sorry!!"
My son had an issue with his bus driver once and when I spoke with her on the phone, she said the main issue was that she wanted him to apologize for what had happened, she didn't care if he meant it, she just wanted him to say it. I think that's a crazy opinion to take.

[Crystal]

The instant sorry, the one you know doesn't mean it and is trying to avoid discipline by saying it....I always respond with "sorry doesn't make it (feel ) better"

[nannyde]

I don't do "I'm sorry". I don't even think I've ever asked a kid to say that. I think they are too young to understand remorse. Saying two words after a consequence doesn't really mean anything to them.

I don't like changing the moment to something different. If you add "I'm sorry" to the mix it changes the focus.

Keep it simple. They have time to learn remorse. They are just too young under five.

[momatheart]

I do not make them say they are sorry. I will explain to them that what they did hurt so and so and give them words to use incase they are in that situaion again but as far as I know they meant to hit that other child or whatever it was they did. If after explaining it to them if they go and apologize fine.

I work with preschoolers and they really don't understand I am sorry. The older ones around 5 do and will.

[Lucy]

I make them say it. I don't say "tell Johnny you're sorry". What I do is have a brief, private talk with them, and finish by saying, "What do you think you should do now?" and they go and say sorry.

I don't care whether they understand it or not. I'm not teaching them to FEEL the emotion of remorse, I'm teaching them manners. We teach them to say please and thank you and excuse me, don't we? So why not sorry? For me, it's more for the manners than for blowing sunshine up the other kid's .... well, you know. I want them to know this is how society works ... you hurt someone, you say sorry. Easy. Makes it a habit just like please and thank you.