My DH Can't Keep Daycare & Personal Separate

[MarinaVanessa]

This is it in a nutshell. The boundaries aren't being honored and intentionally or not they're playing you and your DH off each other to get what they want. Time to part ways professionally before it blows your friendships out of the water. And before you end up on "Snapped: ::

My boundaries aren't being honored by my DH in almost every other aspect though. I can't say I had no fault in all of this either because when my DH told them yes I could have said no but I didn't in an effort to not fight with my DH, which inevitably always happens when I stay firm.

Sometimes I don't even get a chance to say no to them before my DH says yes. I do not like to argue in public or in the presence of other people so if I don't agree with DH in front of others I will stay quiet. I think that's a huge part of my problem.

Later when we are home and alone and I bring it up to my DH it's like it doesn't matter what I think on the subject. I have reached out privately to them and spoke up to them about how I would not be able to accommodate something and my husband will just reach back out to them and say that we got it figured out on our end and that now it's ok. I then stay quiet out of embarrassment.

He has done it when his sister needed someone to watch her kids one weekend. I didn't want to do it. My DH told her that he would do it but then he left and left the kids here without telling me.

Or once when I had a workshop to attend one weekend and DH was going to watch our kids while I attended. That morning he told me he wasn't going to be able to watch them after all because he was going to be out of town all day to pick up some truck part and that I needed to find someone else to watch them. I ended up not being able to go to the workshop.

He has thrown away possessions and paperwork of mine that he thought were unimportant because he wanted to de-clutter the house but will not get rid of his own things.

Not too long ago we made an agreement that he could buy a new TV as long as I could get a new large rug for the living room. He got his TV and then said that the rug wasn't a priority (the money was going to come out of his paycheck because I make enough to cover the daycare expenses, the utilities, my van payment and have just a little left over for gas and extras).

So I think I'm going to talk to BF and get back to regular pickups and if they need a later time no hard feelings if they choose to go elsewhere. I feel like I should at least give it a chance since really they have no real idea that this whole thing has been happening behind the scenes. They can't change something that I haven't told them is an issue. BF wil be here in 30 minutes so I'll know more about how he'll react then.

[MarinaVanessa]

I got the impression that the problem started with the special late pick up times (any and all). The first half of your thread reads just like a situation with one of my families, and they were total strangers when they started.

But problem #2 is DH acting like it's his call how you run your business. This is your profession--does he want you setting up meetings for him/choose which jobs he takes/volunteering him to work overtime (or whatever he does)? Would he want you to loan his car to your friends without you asking him? What if he did agree for you to loan his car to one of your friends, then it was a lot, then they started scratching it and leaving popcorn on the floor? But that's exactly what is happening to you.

If you change your policies is DH going to freak? Is there a possibility of a third approach, like enforcing a policy of charging $1 for "babysitting" i.e. for having kids for personal time? That way you could enforce it for all your families and not make it look like you're picking on his friends.

Oh, and definitely charge a fee for the designated driver pick up. Does he really want you to turn into the free babysitter for all your friends? Would he like it as much if you sat for one of your friends on a time when he reeeaaaalllly doesn't want kids around at all?

Originally I was ok with Tuesdays and Wednesdays and it wasn't a big deal as long as their 2 yo got picked up by 6pm on Wednesdays. When it became a problem it was because BFW sometimes didn't get to leave right at 5pm so I was talking to her about how it wasn't going to work out because I needed to leave at 6pm and it was making my DD late to GS. My husband stepped in and offered to watch him if she was running late. So I had told her I couldn't do Wednesdays and she started to say that it was fine and not a big deal but my DH said not a problem to her. After that it got easy for them to ask for favors because my DH always said yes, which is fine but not when it's an inconvenience to me ... like allowing them to get here late at the expense of our dates when he could easily just have told them no it wasn't possible and they could have picked him up earlier without issue.

My DH doesn't see an issue with any of this.

[Mom2Two]

If the following are too personal, just say so, but what you write has me wondering...

Do you feel like DH values your relationship? Does it bother him how much you are hurting?

Is this stuff clear to him? Is it clear to your counselor?

When you have counseling, what does DH list as his "gripes" or whatever?

Has your counselor ever mentioned personality disorders?

[MarinaVanessa]

***UPDATE***
BF came to pick up his son. I started off by just telling him that the pick ups after 5pm weren't working out for me and that when we came back from vacation we'd go back to the regular time. He said no problem, he'd find someone to pick him up at 5pm on any days they couldn't and said "I'll let you guys know who" which led into how I wanted him and his wife to speak directly with me and not my DH when it came to anything that included me, I said it was important. He agreed.

He asked if everything was ok and what was going on and I just decided to go ahead and share with him about the conflict and tension that going through DH was causing. He did apologize and said he'd go straight to me. I told him that if my DH discusses something with him that includes me in it that he should confirm it with me to make sure it's ok. I did explain that on several occasions DH would change an arrangement that I wasn't okay with.

I ended up going into a little bit of details with him and I brought up the Korean date night and Friday's date night and he shocked me. Turns out BF had turned down the invite to the Korean place because they didn't have a babysitter and my DH pretty much insisted that they could come and that their son wouldn't be an issue but they still couldn't go because they were afraid their son might get burned on the grill so my DH offered to change the place. I will confirm this to make sure of course, it won't be hard since it was over text. I'm going to take a peek when my DH gets home.

As far as last Friday BF says he asked if it was ok to be late and DH said it wasn't a problem. So now I'm thinking that DH was quick to say that he'd take care it because he had already talked to BF and agreed to the later time. I didn't know what to say at that point and just felt really dumb. BF just said he'd make sure to go through me from now on and that he never meant to cause any problems.

I didn't really know what else to say at that point and bf left. I guess I still really don't.

[MarinaVanessa]

Mom2Two you ask some really difficult questions.

Do you feel like DH values your relationship?
He says he does, I'm not really sure.

Does it bother him how much you are hurting?
He says he's sorry for hurting my feelings and that he doesn't really mean to. But he still does.
I guess that doesn't really answer the question but I'm not really sure.

Is this stuff clear to him? Is it clear to your counselor?
The biggest topic we talk about with our counselor is how he doesn't consider my needs/wants/desires and will just disregard how I feel. He knows specifically what bothers me (like making decisions without me if they include me) but he still does it anyway.

When you have counseling, what does DH list as his "gripes" or whatever?
His main gripe has more to do with the state of the house and the clutter/mess. I do daycare and we have 4 kids from 12 to 1 year, he wants the house spotless even during daycare. That's his biggest complaint.

When we started counseling he lead with "My wife has issues. We're here to fix them". This was after I had made the decision to just walk away because I had wanted marriage counseling and he wouldn't agree to it because "It was stupid and a waste of time". He only agreed to go after I told him I was done.

Has your counselor ever mentioned personality disorders?
No, he hasn't

[storybookending]

Sounds like your issue here is with your DH. Feeling the need to snoop through his texts is not good. I’d confront him, whether in therapy or outside of therapy. It’s sounds like there is mistrust all around and it doesn’t sound like he values you and/or your business at all. I’d be seriously reevaluating my relationship with him if I was in your shoes. Hard to hear but I’m sure you’ve thought about it as well. 4 years in therapy is a long time to not resolve these issues. Relationships are a two way street and if you feel like you need to close your mouth and stand back to your issues and continue to do so he’ll never change.

[MarinaVanessa]

Sounds like your issue here is with your DH. Feeling the need to snoop through his texts is not good. I’d confront him, whether in therapy or outside of therapy. It’s sounds like there is mistrust all around and it doesn’t sound like he values you and/or your business at all. I’d be seriously reevaluating my relationship with him if I was in your shoes. Hard to hear but I’m sure you’ve thought about it as well. 4 years in therapy is a long time to not resolve these issues. Relationships are a two way street and if you feel like you need to close your mouth and stand back to your issues and continue to do so he’ll never change.

I know it's not good, I never have thought about it until now. I just want the truth and I'm afraid now that he'll just lie or won't let me see his texts if he has already lied about it. I didn't think to ask BF to show me. I kinda didn't even really know what to do. Now I'm kind of just feeling deflated. And we have a 1 week trip to Mexico coming up on Friday.

[midaycare]

:hug: I can tell you that DH and I were at a similar or even worse point around this time last year. I nearly left him this past March. Yet here I am, and we are stronger than we've ever been. I don't want to give false hope, but I do want to give some hope.

[MarinaVanessa]

:hug: I can tell you that DH and I were at a similar or even worse point around this time last year. I nearly left him this past March. Yet here I am, and we are stronger than we've ever been. I don't want to give false hope, but I do want to give some hope.

Thanks so much. I really needed it right now. lovethis

[storybookending]

I know it's not good, I never have thought about it until now. I just want the truth and I'm afraid now that he'll just lie or won't let me see his texts if he has already lied about it. I didn't think to ask BF to show me. I kinda didn't even really know what to do. Now I'm kind of just feeling deflated. And we have a 1 week trip to Mexico coming up on Friday.

I think it’s good you didn’t ask BF to see the texts, no need to bring him into the middle of it.


Hopefully your trip helps you recharge your marriage!

[Pestle]

If something isn't an inconvenience to him or he feels like it isn't an issue then it isn't an issue ... even if it's an issue to me. KWIM

"You left the car door open when you got home tonight."
"It's not a problem."

"You said you were going to the grocery store up the road but you went across town to a gaming store, and we were at home hungry and waiting for you to come home with our supper, and I finally fed our child something out of a can and put her to bed."
"It's not a problem."

No-o-o-o-o; I have NO IDEA what you mean.

[Mom2Two]

We've been through super-hard stuff too. 3.5 years ago I thought we might break up. Most marriages that deal with the type of stuff we've dealt with do break up. It has been really hard work, and DH had to make some hard choices. And I had to stand up to it. Things are way better for us now. I've made some changes too, but mainly it has been difficult changes in DH. Personality disorders abound in DH's family and it has been hard to deal with.

The first big battle was confronting that there was even a real problem. I really had to have my ducks in a row. Sometimes the pridefulness is extremely strong, sometimes too strong.

[hwichlaz]

I don't have any advice...but I read what you're going through and wanted to sit and have a cry with you. I've been there. Fought through it, failed....and now I'm a much happier single mother.

I just want to offer a hug.

[Josiegirl]

MV, just hugs to offer you. :hug: You're in a tough place. After 4 yrs. of counseling, maybe it's time to find someone else? Change is so awfully difficult and it doesn't sound like there has been a lot of change. Unless he's co-partner with you in your dc, I think I'd tell him that in no way does he get to make decisions like that, no matter what. And for him to agree to taking care of children(current and past circumstances) then to leave you high and dry with them....well I know I'd be really angry.

[Jamie]

What the f***ing f***??? What is wrong with your DH???
I see no respect for you anywhere in your posts, and that is NOT OKAY.
You need to sit down with him and lay down the law. Be firm. This is NOT a marriage thing, and it is NOT a friendship thing; this is a BUSINESS thing. YOUR business.
I'm sorry It's causing you all this stress, but really, you need to take this business seriously. I would NOT alloe anyone to watch my DCKs in my home except for myself - and certainly not while I wasn't there!
All personal stress aside - what happens to your business if DCK is hurt at YOUR home while DH watches him??

On a personal level, there is so much wrong with your DH's attitude that I won't even begin to get into...