My DH Can't Keep Daycare & Personal Separate

[Cat Herder]

maybe it's time to find someone else?

Please don't even think about this for a couple years. Pretty please.

If the marriage can't be saved, take some time and work on the parts of you that tolerated being treated this way for so long. It will serve you so much better. :hug:

[Ladybugs]

Please don't even think about this for a couple years. Pretty please.

If the marriage can't be saved, take some time and work on the parts of you that tolerated being treated this way for so long. It will serve you so much better. :hug:

I think she might have been referring to a new counselor, not a new man.

[Blackcat31]

I only have two questions....

Do you like, genuinely like (not love) your DH as a person?

Can you imagine your life without him?
(not your kids or your family...but you/your)

[Ladybugs]

MV,

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. My dh and I were separated about a year and a half ago and I was positive we were heading for divorce. With a ton of honest, open, tough communication and counseling, we were able to put the pieces back together and we are much stronger now. I’d advise you to really stand up for yourself and be clear and firm in what you need.

I know that your dh is largely to blame here BUT I do think that BF is also taking advantage of you by even asking.

Good luck and lots of hugs.

[Cat Herder]

I think she might have been referring to a new counselor, not a new man.

Ah, now I see it. :: Thanks for the clue.

[midaycare]

I think she might have been referring to a new counselor, not a new man.

And I agree. Are you Christian? We had much better luck going through a church than going through our many expensive counselors. All the therapists always sided with me and basically made DH feel terrible. And he isn't/wasn't a terrible person. One therapist even blatantly flirted with me!

We went through a church with biblical based counseling, and we learned alot more. One of the most important things is that we can never really go back. So don't live in the past. If you do, you will never get out of the rut. We don't talk about the past anymore. We just build on each day, and eventually after a few months of good days, we had enough good days that we felt comfortable again. Now we are really great friends.

[Ariana]

I have not read everyones replies just yours MV but I think the problem is you are not taking yourself seriously enough. Why did you agree with DH to begin with? You knew it was a bad idea but you didn’t want to see uptight or something right? That is my guess. You need to respect yourself and your boundaries and do not leg anyone, even your DH, bully you out of them. They are clearly there for a reason.

I know you think this problem is with DH but I see this as something you can control if you simply stand firm the first time. My DH is no different from yours. Very easygoing, nothing bothers him etc. I am more uptight and a stickler for rules. Thats just me and I have firm boundaries. I am not perfect and my DH has definitely said “yes” against my better judgment but it has always been because I felt I was being too rigid. Now I see it differently. I just have a different tolerance for annoyances and a different temperment.

[Country Kids]

Mom2Two you ask some really difficult questions.

Do you feel like DH values your relationship?
He says he does, I'm not really sure.

Does it bother him how much you are hurting?
He says he's sorry for hurting my feelings and that he doesn't really mean to. But he still does.
I guess that doesn't really answer the question but I'm not really sure.


Is this stuff clear to him? Is it clear to your counselor?
The biggest topic we talk about with our counselor is how he doesn't consider my needs/wants/desires and will just disregard how I feel. He knows specifically what bothers me (like making decisions without me if they include me) but he still does it anyway.

When you have counseling, what does DH list as his "gripes" or whatever?
His main gripe has more to do with the state of the house and the clutter/mess. I do daycare and we have 4 kids from 12 to 1 year, he wants the house spotless even during daycare. That's his biggest complaint.

When we started counseling he lead with "My wife has issues. We're here to fix them". This was after I had made the decision to just walk away because I had wanted marriage counseling and he wouldn't agree to it because "It was stupid and a waste of time". He only agreed to go after I told him I was done.

Has your counselor ever mentioned personality disorders?
No, he hasn't

The part about the house being clean-I have heard that so much from couples that the wife does daycare. The husband just wants a nice clean house and quiet when they come home from work. One of my friends when they divorced, the husband put that down that the house was a mess because of the childcare.

Also, four years is a long, long time to be going to marriage counseling and nothing being resolved. Honestly, most couples I know that go to counseling, it seems to make matters works or they see there is no solving the situation and end up divorcing.

I hope you can find a solution to the problems soon. I know you went through some pretty tough situations a couple years ago and I'm wondering if maybe doing another career would work better?

Will be thinking and keeping you in my prayers.

[Pestle]

You have a bad counselor and a bad spouse. Get a new counselor or find one to go to solo, so you can sort out your plans and possibilities on the spousal side.

[MarinaVanessa]

I answered to everyone in blue

I see no respect for you anywhere in your posts, and that is NOT OKAY.
I know, it ****s. And the worst part is that I believe that he's not intentionally doing it out of malice ... he literally just doesn't see these things as a big deal. He's not a mean man, he definetely has redeeming qualities ... he just feels like he knows best or doesn't consider that I may not be okay with it.

You need to sit down with him and lay down the law. Be firm. This is NOT a marriage thing, and it is NOT a friendship thing; this is a BUSINESS thing. YOUR business.
He doesn't meddle into my business with any of the other clients that I have. Just with BF probably because we're all friends.

I would NOT alloe anyone to watch my DCKs in my home except for myself - and certainly not while I wasn't there!
I understand that this works for you but for me it helps me out so that I can go to appointments and meetings for my daughter (she has therapy for ADHD and anxiety related things) so if I didn't have someone covering for me I would have to close since I have weekly appointments for my daughter, occasional school meetings for her, conferences for my kids, Dr Appointments for myself etc. If I don't have him to cover I'd have to hire someone when I couldn't avoid going or I'd lose my clients (my DH is my oldest DD's step-dad so it has to be that can go to approve changes, medications etc).

All personal stress aside - what happens to your business if DCK is hurt at YOUR home while DH watches him??
The same thing that would happen if someone got hurt in my presence. He's not on my license as an owner because it is my daycare and he is not my business partner (I wouldn't have it any other way) but he has been cleared by licensing to be my sub.
If he were to be negligent and something happened he knows that he'd be paying for everything himself and I won't put a cent of money into it. Same as I have told him that if I were to get a citation for him being careless (leaving toothpaste on the downstairs bathroom counter,
forgetting to close a baby gate etc, he's paying for it not me.

Please don't even think about this for a couple years. Pretty please.

I thought she was meaning finding another man too ::

I think she might have been referring to a new counselor, not a new man.

Thanks for clarifying this.

I like our counselor and he calls DH out on his BS and DH does agree to changes but applying the changes and saying he's going to apply them are two different things.

Do you like, genuinely like (not love) your DH as a person?
I do love him, he's not a mean man.
He's just extremely exasperating sometimes.
When he goes around me and what I say instead of negotiating with me it makes me feel like he doesn't care and it's hurtful.

Can you imagine your life without him?
(not your kids or your family...but you/your)
Asnwering this is a bit tricky because I don't want to give anybody the wrong idea but I don't believe that anybody NEEDS another person.
I have on many occasions reminded my DH that I love him but I don't need him. If he and I were to go our separate ways it would be awful but I know that in the end I will be ok and he will be ok and my kids will be ok.

...My dh and I were separated about a year and a half ago and I was positive we were heading for divorce. With a ton of honest, open, tough communication and counseling, we were able to put the pieces back together and we are much stronger now. I’d advise you to really stand up for yourself and be clear and firm in what you need.
Typically I am ... unless I'm in front of people. Called me old fashioned but I don't believe in arguing and airing out our dirty laundry to and in front of other people. No one except us two needs to know about our issues. When we get home and I bring it up I get the brush off. That's my battle. How do you get someone that doesn't understand to "get it" KWIM

I know that your dh is largely to blame here BUT I do think that BF is also taking advantage of you by even asking.

I do agree. And I do feel like he forgot that when it comes to daycare they have forgotten that this is business. Yesterday I did speak to BF and he says he agrees so we will see.

Are you Christian? We had much better luck going through a church than going through our many expensive counselors. All the therapists always sided with me and basically made DH feel terrible. And he isn't/wasn't a terrible person. One therapist even blatantly flirted with me!
That's terrible!
Although I grew up as Catholic I consider myself Christian but I do not go to church or anything like that. DH is not religious at all. I had a hard time convincing him to go to therapy and he did agreed only after I had told him I was leaving the marriage 4 years ago. Not sure how to go about asking for help from the church if I do not belong to a congregation or how to convince DH to go with me when he's not religious KWIM

One of the most important things is that we can never really go back. So don't live in the past. If you do, you will never get out of the rut.

I do have a hard time in this department.
It's my biggest struggle so I'm sure this adds to my own problems

Why did you agree with DH to begin with?
I don't agree with him, he just doesn't seem so care if I disagree with him. Here's an example
ME: Can you bring down the luggage bags for our trip? I want to start packing today so I'm not rushed in the last minute?
DH: Good idea
ME: (An hour later) Can you get the bags down for me now please? I want to start putting the clothes in (I've been actively pulling out outfits for myself and the kids for the last hour)
DH: Oh yeah. Ok
ME: (30 mins later) Where are the bags at? I'll just pull them out myself
DH: I'll just get them myself
ME: When? Because I asked you to do it 2 and a half hours ago
DH: What is your problem? It's not even a big deal
:confused:


You knew it was a bad idea but you didn’t want to see uptight or something right?
Not exactly, I don't like to argue in front of people and when I say no to something and he contradicts me he has no problem arguing in front of people. I'll wait until we're home to talk about it, I address my point and he either disregards what I say or he agrees but then go around me and doesn't whatever I don't want anyway.


I know you think this problem is with DH but I see this as something you can control if you simply stand firm the first time. My DH is no different from yours. Very easygoing, nothing bothers him etc. I am more uptight and a stickler for rules. Thats just me and I have firm boundaries. I am not perfect and my DH has definitely said “yes” against my better judgment but it has always been because I felt I was being too rigid. Now I see it differently. I just have a different tolerance for annoyances and a different temperment.

You have a bad counselor and a bad spouse. Get a new counselor or find one to go to solo, so you can sort out your plans and possibilities on the spousal side.
I don't know if we have a bad counselor ...
I do know that we make agreemends during our sessions and DH and I sign them and everything and DH finds excuses to not follow the agreements (it was an emergency, he didn't have time, he forgot, he understood the agreement differently) It's exasperating.
I was doing counseling on my own with another therapist for a while and I felt like it was a waste of time. I could make all of the plans that I wanted when it came to me but if my DH see's things differently and doesn't agree with I'm doing on my own then nothing is getting better. I don't need someone to vent to so for me going together and addressing the problem, setting a plan and executing it is what I need. It's the execution part on my DH that I have a hard time with. Then because he's not keeping up with his agreement I feel like I don't have to keep up with mine so I have a part to play too. At home I do get frustrated, argue and shout at him and I shouldn't but I get so exasperated and feel like I need to lose my $h!| before he takes me seriously (and then at that point he does) so I'm just throwing 2yo old tantrums

[MarinaVanessa]

I spoke to DH last night and opened with asking him to really think before he responded. I asked him about the date nights, he tried to beat around the bush but did admit that what BF said was true. I told him I talked to BF yesterday and how close I am to ending our daycare arrangement with them because of DH's meddling. I told him that the next time he meddled I'd end their contract for the sake of my sanity. He started to say something but I interrupted and told him it wasn't a negotiation and before he said anything (ok I could have worded this better) to remember that I already had bags packed (our vacation bags) so to really think about what he was about to say. Probably not necessary, ok not necessary at all.
We did talk for a while about how disregarding my decisions and opinions is a total lack of disrespect as his spouse and that it didn't matter whether he meant to do it or not, he does it and that's the point. I told him not to make decisions for me. He didn't get it at first.

I was fixing him his plate while we were talking last night and I asked him what he wanted to drink. He asked for cola, I gave him milk (he is sensitive to milk and hates it). He pointed that out, I said I know but it's good for me so it's good for you too. He just stared at me for a minute and then and I could see that it sunk in and he said he got the point.
Why? Why do I need to make things so simplistic for him to understand? I feel like I have to use examples for him to understand anything.

He did apologize but I hate apologies. I think actions speak louder than words so we will see. Like I don't really believe him. In the back of my head I'm just waiting for the next time something like this happens again and I expect it. Am I being unfair? Or am I justified in being cautious because it's a pattern. It's hard to know when you're on the inside KWIM.

[Mom2Two]

I spoke to DH last night and opened with asking him to really think before he responded. I asked him about the date nights, he tried to beat around the bush but did admit that what BF said was true. I told him I talked to BF yesterday and how close I am to ending our daycare arrangement with them because of DH's meddling. I told him that the next time he meddled I'd end their contract for the sake of my sanity. He started to say something but I interrupted and told him it wasn't a negotiation and before he said anything (ok I could have worded this better) to remember that I already had bags packed (our vacation bags) so to really think about what he was about to say. Probably not necessary, ok not necessary at all.
We did talk for a while about how disregarding my decisions and opinions is a total lack of disrespect as his spouse and that it didn't matter whether he meant to do it or not, he does it and that's the point. I told him not to make decisions for me. He didn't get it at first.

I was fixing him his plate while we were talking last night and I asked him what he wanted to drink. He asked for cola, I gave him milk (he is sensitive to milk and hates it). He pointed that out, I said I know but it's good for me so it's good for you too. He just stared at me for a minute and then and I could see that it sunk in and he said he got the point.
Why? Why do I need to make things so simplistic for him to understand? I feel like I have to use examples for him to understand anything.

He did apologize but I hate apologies. I think actions speak louder than words so we will see. Like I don't really believe him. In the back of my head I'm just waiting for the next time something like this happens again and I expect it. Am I being unfair? Or am I justified in being cautious because it's a pattern. It's hard to know when you're on the inside KWIM.

The milk thing sounds so awesome, especially if you were able to keep your head.

I'm not sure if this will help, but maybe read about passive agressive disorder. A classic sign is agreeing to something but not meaning it. It's a way of avoiding confrontation and it's also very dishonest.

The more that the issues are straight in your own mind and you are able to articulate them and explain them (or demonstrate them in the case of the milk) the more you'll be on solid ground. And you sure need that solid ground to get through this stuff.

It helped DH (i. e. helped me) to show that there was a name for this stuff and where it came from. Men who weren't supported as kids in expressing themselves can easily become passive aggressives.

If your DH constantly agrees to things but doesn't mean it/follow through, then you are not working well as a team, and it's important in marriage to work well as a team. It's a lot of the point of marriage! Keep telling him this stuff. You want to feel treated well. Your feelings matter. Working well with him matters. Being able to trust someone to do what they agree to does matter. When he runs down something you feel is important, you feel run down by him. etc etc Keep telling him this stuff.

[midaycare]

I've been married for slightly over 11 years. My marraige dissolved almost the first day we married from outside stressors.

I've had 10.5 years of a really, really bad marriage. I've had 6 months of a good one, but even then...we will never be the "perfect" couple. We are just 2 people who are damaged from life, and are trying to do the best we can, together.

There is hope.

[Josiegirl]

Please don't even think about this for a couple years. Pretty please.

If the marriage can't be saved, take some time and work on the parts of you that tolerated being treated this way for so long. It will serve you so much better. :hug:

Nononono, find another counselor! Not another husband! I am so very sorry if I didn't make myself clear.
I had a friend that went to counseling for a long long time and nothing ever changed. To me, that meant something just wasn't working between my friend and her counselor, maybe not a connection because I think when counseling is involved, you really need to connect with the person you're telling your whole life story to.

[Ariana]

I spoke to DH last night and opened with asking him to really think before he responded. I asked him about the date nights, he tried to beat around the bush but did admit that what BF said was true. I told him I talked to BF yesterday and how close I am to ending our daycare arrangement with them because of DH's meddling. I told him that the next time he meddled I'd end their contract for the sake of my sanity. He started to say something but I interrupted and told him it wasn't a negotiation and before he said anything (ok I could have worded this better) to remember that I already had bags packed (our vacation bags) so to really think about what he was about to say. Probably not necessary, ok not necessary at all.
We did talk for a while about how disregarding my decisions and opinions is a total lack of disrespect as his spouse and that it didn't matter whether he meant to do it or not, he does it and that's the point. I told him not to make decisions for me. He didn't get it at first.

I was fixing him his plate while we were talking last night and I asked him what he wanted to drink. He asked for cola, I gave him milk (he is sensitive to milk and hates it). He pointed that out, I said I know but it's good for me so it's good for you too. He just stared at me for a minute and then and I could see that it sunk in and he said he got the point.
Why? Why do I need to make things so simplistic for him to understand? I feel like I have to use examples for him to understand anything.

He did apologize but I hate apologies. I think actions speak louder than words so we will see. Like I don't really believe him. In the back of my head I'm just waiting for the next time something like this happens again and I expect it. Am I being unfair? Or am I justified in being cautious because it's a pattern. It's hard to know when you're on the inside KWIM.

THIS conversation should have happened right off the bat! Next time lead with this conversation and it will nip everything in the bud. You already know what he is going to do so don’t give him any more chances

Nothing about what you are doing is unfair. That kind of questioning is what got you in trouble in the first place. Thinking you are being unfair or too uptight makes you waver on your boundaries. You are the smart one here, trust yourself :hug: