Growing a Backbone?

[Mummy101]

Wow, I only saw some of them before, thank you!

[Unregistered]

When i worked at a center, i was very confrontational and had no problem letting parents know the rules and saying no. But once i started my in home daycare...my backbone disappeared. I realized it was because at the center, the rules were not my own and the parents knew they couldnt "kill the messenger". Now i have nobody above me to say "the owner said..." because i am now the owner .

[trix23]

She said it's because you don't want to turn parents off to the program before they even know if they want to come or not. (I think she's in a Center mindset versus a "mutual fit" mindset)

From my standpoint, they can agree to policies now or later, but they are still responsible for knowing them. I would figure talking about them would allow them to fully understand what they are signing up for.

[Mummy101]

It's hard. It really is. Some providers have a good handle on being a business person, strong, confident, don't give in. I'm not one of those, unfortunately. I'm much better than I used to be but still need to work on it.
I've used 'as per my contract' many times and that helps. I let 1 dcf drop off 15 minutes earlier than their contract said, about 5x until I realized it was going to happen more than 'just this once'. Then I wrote them up a note telling them 'per their contracted hours' they would be charged x amount going forward. Just last Friday, I had a dcf leave for a week's vacation and they hadn't paid me for this week yet. I was going to ask her about it when she picked up her dds but another dcp arrived at the same time so I ended up saying nothing. I did send her an email that night reminding her and said she could just drop it in the mail. Not sure if she's even read it yet or not.

I'm really terrible about confrontation. I've evolved slowly and figure by the time I'm 100 I might have it perfected.
There's a saying 'Fake it til you make it'. Hold your head high and act confident, choose professional words and know you deserve to run your business the way you want.

Also, if you send home newsletters or anything like that, put reminders in there about policies not being followed. For me, writing it down, instead of talking face to face, is easier.

Thank you! I have experienced much of the same. There never seems to be a good time to address the important stuff. I Like the reminder/newsletters too, it makes me much less anxious! Especially when you have a "strong" personality DCP to deal with. And oh yes, give them even an inch, they will take 10 miles it seems.

[Ariana]

By getting rid of the mindset that enforcing policies create disgruntled parents. In my experience it does not! Whenever I have upheld a policy, turned a child away at the door, refused care, charged late fees, I have never had any conflict from parents. Most of them apologize profusely and never do it again! It is hard but you have to feel the fear and do it anyway. Each time you do it, it gets easier and the more confident you feel.

[Blackcat31]

By getting rid of the mindset that enforcing policies create disgruntled parents. In my experience it does not! Whenever I have upheld a policy, turned a child away at the door, refused care, charged late fees, I have never had any conflict from parents. Most of them apologize profusely and never do it again! It is hard but you have to feel the fear and do it anyway. Each time you do it, it gets easier and the more confident you feel.

I simply cannot wrap my head around the thought that conflict and being paid have anything to do with each other.
:confused: :confused:

I have commented in backbone threads previously but most times I will admit that I simply just keep on scrolling because I just cannot make the connection that expecting payment or enforcing policies has anything to do with conflict.

Conflict to me is a disagreement, a fight or battle.

Being paid for services or having a discussion about following policies is none of those things.

Perspective IS everything.

[TheMisplacedMidwestMom]

I simply cannot wrap my head around the thought that conflict and being paid have anything to do with each other.
:confused: :confused:

I have commented in backbone threads previously but most times I will admit that I simply just keep on scrolling because I just cannot make the connection that expecting payment or enforcing policies has anything to do with conflict.

Conflict to me is a disagreement, a fight or battle.

Being paid for services or having a discussion about following policies is none of those things.

Perspective IS everything.

For me the reason I avoid all "conflict/confrontation" in general was because I grew up in a super healthy environment where "everything you say can and will be held against you". We were the poster family for a passive aggressive! (I'm talking complete cold shoulder for WEEKS, and in the end you still may not know why.) People pleasing is soooo ingrained in me that I can see it happening and feel powerless to stop it. I'm talking to the point of knowing you should probably see a therapist, but having been taught that you just need to stop whining and pull you're big girl panties up and get over it (because, you know, there are people with actual problems).

In my mind (however unrealistic) this statement: "enforcing policies create disgruntled parents" is reality.

Example:
I had to call for a pick-up yesterday because of fever. During the initial conversation with dcm she asked if I could just give Tylenol and keep her updated (I do provide mild sick care). The entire time (a whole 10 minutes, because mom immediately left work and came straight here) that I waited for her I told myself over and over that I would not apologize to mom for having her pick up. Dcm arrives, we chat, she agrees that pick-up was the right call and has made a doctor appointment for the afternoon. I STILL apologized for having her pick up. I just can't seem to stop it. This mom was in no way upset with me for having her pick up her child... and yet I felt the need to apologize.

I completely understand that my thoughts in this regard are not always realistic or logical, but it's what happens. I'm working on it. This forum has helped a ton in that I can read other's experiences and see in black and white letters that I'm not being a total B*tch for expecting certain things (payment, on time pick ups, etc...). And I use the "B" word, because anytime I stick up for myself I feel that this is how I will be perceived, even though that's not realistic.

...so there's my mini therapy session for the day. ::

And to answer your initial question OP: Self-aware fellow doormat right here!

[Blackcat31]

For me the reason I avoid all "conflict/confrontation" in general was because I grew up in a super healthy environment where "everything you say can and will be held against you". We were the poster family for a passive aggressive! (I'm talking complete cold shoulder for WEEKS, and in the end you still may not know why.) People pleasing is soooo ingrained in me that I can see it happening and feel powerless to stop it. I'm talking to the point of knowing you should probably see a therapist, but having been taught that you just need to stop whining and pull you're big girl panties up and get over it (because, you know, there are people with actual problems).

In my mind (however unrealistic) this statement: "enforcing policies create disgruntled parents" is reality.

Example:
I had to call for a pick-up yesterday because of fever. During the initial conversation with dcm she asked if I could just give Tylenol and keep her updated (I do provide mild sick care). The entire time (a whole 10 minutes, because mom immediately left work and came straight here) that I waited for her I told myself over and over that I would not apologize to mom for having her pick up. Dcm arrives, we chat, she agrees that pick-up was the right call and has made a doctor appointment for the afternoon. I STILL apologized for having her pick up. I just can't seem to stop it. This mom was in no way upset with me for having her pick up her child... and yet I felt the need to apologize.

I completely understand that my thoughts in this regard are not always realistic or logical, but it's what happens. I'm working on it. This forum has helped a ton in that I can read other's experiences and see in black and white letters that I'm not being a total B*tch for expecting certain things (payment, on time pick ups, etc...). And I use the "B" word, because anytime I stick up for myself I feel that this is how I will be perceived, even though that's not realistic.

...so there's my mini therapy session for the day. ::

And to answer your initial question OP: Self-aware fellow doormat right here!

Thank you for this!

It is probably THE most informative and helpful post I have ever read on this forum...
and considering my post count/length of membership here...that's saying alot.

I have a hard time wrapping my head around things for the same reasons and while I may be a blunt and straight forward person I too struggle.... maybe not with the same things some providers struggle with but I have an internal battle waging on inside me just as you do and for similar reasons... my upbringing. I see, do and act based on how I was raised and understanding where others are coming from helps. It helps everyone.

We've all said "Hmm, I never looked at it that way" (whatever it means at the time) so to me, EVERYTHING is perspective and how we view it so seeing, hearing or learning about others' perspectives is awesome.


When we understand better, we know better.
When we know better, we do better.

Thank you again for sharing this....

[Ariana]

I just wanted to add, as a fellow codependant people pleaser, I completely understand!! BUT the fact that you understand your personal psychology as a result of your upbringing is huge and will greatly benefit you. You are now able to observe your thought process and work to change it! Each time you challenge your thought process and see how flawed it is, the better you get at it and the greater your self esteem becomes. Question question and question those thoughts that tell you that you are not worth as much as they are and question your need to be "liked"

The conflict is really only in our minds!