Co-sleeping

[Annalee]

Absolutely! I had a child sleep at my house for 5 hours straight he was so exhausted from cosleeping.

My daycare kids go on cots at 12 months....this really blows parents minds::

[lovemykidstoo]

The child I have now that I initially wrote about is already up from nap (30 min) and is sitting here crying. Inconsolable. He does not know how to sleep alone. When he is home during the day and grandma watches him he sleeps on her chest in the lazy boy

[lovemykidstoo]

My daycare kids go on cots at 12 months....this really blows parents minds::

Don't you love that! I get the parents that can't believe their child doesn't throw a fit during diaper changes. I have never in 16 years had a child that threw a fit at diaper changes.

[mommyneedsadayoff]

I wanted to chime in with another perspective....

I am not an AP parent, if I had to put myself in a category I would say I am a RIE parent but I co-slept with my daughter and some of our most fond memories were formed in those moments. From her infant eyes gazing up at me when she awoke to the ten year old whose nights end in bed sharing a love of literature asking, "have you finished your chapter?" .... "Okay maybe just one more chapter..." etc. At ten she spends weeknights in her bed and 1-2 weekend nights co-sleeping in my bed staying up late reading beside me.

When dd was young co-sleeping took time, safety precautions had to be taken into account and it limited my ability to have others give me a break for more than a couple hours but it worked for us. When we transitioned to dd learning to sleep on her own I sat by her bed and held her hand, each night and each nap.... in a moment of questioning myself I mentioned it to a friend whose child was entering her teens she said "Be grateful she wants you to hold her hand, all too soon she will not even want you in her room." Today I am grateful for the days I was able to hold her hand as the time I have with her is fleeting and precious so I have no regrets. Society is rushing her to grow up and be independent, the homework load is intense, etc. so I understand dd's desire to have a space/rhythm at home to reconnect.

Were you working outside the home at this time? I noticed that all my friends and dc families (obviously) who bedshare work outside the home and are away from their child for a good portion of the day, so that time at night is very important for them. I was and still am home with mine all day, so come bed time, we all need a break from each other:: I can understand the bonding aspect and since many of the ones I know are working outside the home, the number of hours to fit it all in were more limited, so night time was their bonding time.

I am curious if there is a correlation between the two. Probably not, but just something I noticed Any providers here who were home with their kids, and still bed shared at night? I find the subject fascinating.

[mommyneedsadayoff]

It is definitely part of a new trend where we keep hearing things about women in African tribes who carry their babes all day and cosleep all night, and how those babies never cry. How American moms are so seperated from their poor babies etc. Moms here start to feel guilty and your start to convince yourself it is better. Maybe it IS better but I am not living in an African tribe with oodles of other women around supporting me. I tried to cosleep but it cost me 8 months worth if sleep and I barely even remember my daughters first 8 months. I think it can work but you need a support system OR you need to be a sound sleeper. I was a light sleeper.

Having said all of that when it comes to daycare, cosleeping parents are not helping their kids transition to group care. They think they can live in the African tribe at their house but then transition easily to American life while they go to work. Those children are exhausted and it isn't fair to them.

This has been my experience too. Those women in africa are doing it out of neccessity and working while caring for the kids. They also have extended family around to help and "the village" mentality is integral. It is so vastly different than the typical american life, so I never understood the comparison. "Sleeping with and wearing your baby is the most natural thing ever and women have been doing it for decades! It is totally unnatural to be separated from your baby when they are little because they need you!" (said as they drop the baby at daycare for 10 hours)

[CityGarden]

IMO, despite the safety concerns, co-sleeping causes kids to be extra tired in the morning. I tell parents all the time "their kids are sleeping but they are not RESTING". No one can rest with that many people in the same bed. Plus the kids never get a nap at home because they won't sleep unless a parent is beside them....BUT they sleep for us at daycare! Go Figure! Parents just don't want to put the time into it!

Co-sleeping does not cause children to be extra tired in the morning - parents not ensuring their child gets the proper amount of quality sleep, regardless of location, does. Most parents I know put their children down significantly later than they should and we do not live in a society that values sleep - most of us (adults and children) walk around sleep deprived. Also all the technology and screen time does not help - my dd had zero screen time so that helped when she was little. Also my dd did nap at home because I would make sure she was tired by having an active and not passive day and I would lay beside her or sit beside and hold her hand until she went to sleep. I did put in the time, I would say CIO is the cliff notes version compared to the amount of time I dedicated to my daughter building a positive association and skill to go to sleep independently.

I suggest the book Sleepless in America: Is Your Child Misbehaving...or Missing Sleep? to all new families in my program as I am a HUGE sleep advocate https://www.amazon.com/Sleepless-Ame...ess+in+america

Each family is different so I try to not make sweeping assumptions or statements if I had been working full time or had multiple children I doubt I would have dedicated the time that I did, I would have perhaps done some version of CIO.

I tried to cosleep but it cost me 8 months worth if sleep and I barely even remember my daughters first 8 months. I think it can work but you need a support system OR you need to be a sound sleeper. I was a light sleeper.

Having said all of that when it comes to daycare, cosleeping parents are not helping their kids transition to group care.

I think the key to sharing a bed with anyone - husband, child, dog, etc. is that it has to work for everyone and everyone needs to be able to consistently get the sleep they need. If this is not the case then you need to make a change. I could not share a bed with someone who snores..... or someone who sweats significantly - that would be the case if it were a husband, a child or a dog and I would not feel bad about it.

Co-sleeping parents who out of need or desire put their child in group care should set them up for success and take the time for training so I 100% agree there.

[mommyneedsadayoff]

Co-sleeping does not cause children to be extra tired in the morning - parents not ensuring their child gets the proper amount of quality sleep, regardless of location, does. Most parents I know put their children down significantly later than they should and we do not live in a society that values sleep - most of us (adults and children) walk around sleep deprived. Also all the technology and screen time does not help - my dd had zero screen time so that helped when she was little. Also my dd did nap at home because I would make sure she was tired by having an active and not passive day and I would lay beside her or sit beside and hold her hand until she went to sleep. I did put in the time, I would say CIO is the cliff notes version compared to the amount of time I dedicated to my daughter building a positive association and skill to go to sleep independently.

I suggest the book Sleepless in America: Is Your Child Misbehaving...or Missing Sleep? to all new families in my program as I am a HUGE sleep advocate https://www.amazon.com/Sleepless-Ame...ess+in+america

Each family is different so I try to not make sweeping assumptions or statements if I had been working full time or had multiple children I doubt I would have dedicated the time that I did, I would have perhaps done some version of CIO.




I think the key to sharing a bed with anyone - husband, child, dog, etc. is that it has to work for everyone and everyone needs to be able to consistently get the sleep they need. If this is not the case then you need to make a change. I could not share a bed with someone who snores..... or someone who sweats significantly - that would be the case if it were a husband, a child or a dog and I would not feel bad about it.

Co-sleeping parents who out of need or desire put their child in group care should set them up for success and take the time for training so I 100% agree there.

Maybe i am misunderstandind, but are you saying that CIO is the easy way and if you hadnt felt the need to dedicate so much of your time, you would have just done that:confused:
I have never done CIO bc it was easy! My babies rarely cried bc healthy sleep patterns were established from the start, but I did use CIO during different point so they would recognize that they dont need ME to go to sleep. With respect, you taught your daughter that she NEEDS you to hold her hand to fall asleep, but she doesnt. And that ok! But it does not mean that other ways are taking the easy way out. People ask all the time how they can teach their child to fall asleep. They dont need to be taught. They just need you to fascilitate the environment and encourage them to figure it out bc its natural. I didnt teach my kid how to poop. I just gave them the space and they figured it out!:: Sorry if i am misunderstanding what you are saying!

[Blackcat31]

Co-sleeping does not cause children to be extra tired in the morning - parents not ensuring their child gets the proper amount of quality sleep, regardless of location, does.

I disagree. I have had a lot of co-sleeping families and have never had a positive experience in regards to mood and rest time here when they co-sleep at home.

https://www.todaysparent.com/family/kids-bad-sleep-habits-co-sleeping/

[mommyneedsadayoff]

I disagree. I have had a lot of co-sleeping families and have never had a positive experience in regards to mood and rest time here when they co-sleep at home.

https://www.todaysparent.com/family/...s-co-sleeping/

This was my experience also. They were the first to fall asleep and last ones to wake up. As citygarden mentioned, she wouldnt be able to sleep with a sweater or a snorer, but sometimes the sleeping paremt does not know how their movements and sleep habits effect the child next to them, well, bc they are sleeping. I moved my son in his room at one month(he was in a bassinet) bc everytime i rolled over or moved, he would stir. He slept through the night as soon as we moved him and I feel it was entirely bc our sleep movements were waking him up.

[CityGarden]

Were you working outside the home at this time? I noticed that all my friends and dc families (obviously) who bedshare work outside the home and are away from their child for a good portion of the day, so that time at night is very important for them. I was and still am home with mine all day, so come bed time, we all need a break from each other:: I can understand the bonding aspect and since many of the ones I know are working outside the home, the number of hours to fit it all in were more limited, so night time was their bonding time.

I am curious if there is a correlation between the two. Probably not, but just something I noticed Any providers here who were home with their kids, and still bed shared at night? I find the subject fascinating.

I was not working outside of the home at that time. Perhaps I am in the minority but I did not often feel I needed a break from my dd when she was young. One misconception with bed-sharing / co-sleeping (even among those who practice it) is that you should go to bed at the same time but we obviously have different sleep needs. My dd would go to bed at 6:30/7:00pm for years and I would change her diaper and go to bed about 11PM. I would lay down with her initially but I would get up and have hours to myself until I went to bed. It is very tempting to either go to bed early with the child or to keep the child up until the adult is ready to go to bed but that does not meet the sleep needs for all involved.

Now that my dd is school age I do think she values our weekend nights when we read in bed and co-sleep for the bonding aspect, similar to what you describe above and we do on those nights go to bed at the same time which is different than when she was younger.

[CityGarden]

Maybe i am misunderstandind, but are you saying that CIO is the easy way and if you hadnt felt the need to dedicate so much of your time, you would have just done that:confused:
I have never done CIO bc it was easy! My babies rarely cried bc healthy sleep patterns were established from the start, but I did use CIO during different point so they would recognize that they dont need ME to go to sleep. With respect, you taught your daughter that she NEEDS you to hold her hand to fall asleep, but she doesnt. And that ok! But it does not mean that other ways are taking the easy way out.

No I was not saying CIO is easy or the easy way out (and for the record I am not against CIO) but I do find it accomplishes the same result I accomplished in far less time - which I do not feel is a bad thing. The cliff's notes version of Romeo and Juliet tells the same story as Shakespeare.... just one does it much more directly both have their pros and cons (and I tend to read both).

Also respectfully I did not teach my dd the she needs me to hold her hand to fall asleep. We took a more gradual approach:

• first co-sleeping where mom sleeps when the baby sleeps,
• then me laying next to her for her to fall asleep and stepping away once she was asleep
• then me holding her hand while sitting in a chair close to the bed telling her I would leave but was nearby
• finally to bedtime story and I am out (wine time! lovethis)

Many co-sleeping families I know stop at my second step.... which would not have worked for me and I value my sleep too much and felt it was important for my dd to be able to sleep independently.

Just because I took a more gradual approach does not mean I taught my dd to NEED me to fall asleep. I feel I took time for training the same way a mom who opts to CIO does. I created a daily rhythm and setting that met my child and my own sleep needs. She is a happy, well-adjusted, honor roll student who also is a dedicated ballerina. She sleeps more than most of her peers as she has a 7:30pm bedtime where she sleeps in her own room and on the weekends we enjoy our cuddle time when we co-sleep.

People ask all the time how they can teach their child to fall asleep. They don't need to be taught. They just need you to facilitate the environment and encourage them to figure it out bc its natural. I didn't teach my kid how to poop. I just gave them the space and they figured it out!:: Sorry if i am misunderstanding what you are saying!

Some would argue babies can be thrown in a pool and do not need to be taught how to swim --- "give them the space and they will figure it out". I am sure for some children and some families this is true but for my family I have to take time for training - CIO is taking time for training, what I did was taking time for training. Children learn in different ways and teachers have different approaches to teaching....

[hwichlaz]

I co-slept with all three of mine (not at once, ). We altered our bed frame so there wasn't any space between teh frame and the matress, and only slept with a light blanket, no comforters etc. I started doing it after I fell asleep driving with my baby in the car. Me too tired to safely drive and parent was putting my child at a higher risk than cosleeping was.

[mommyneedsadayoff]

No I was not saying CIO is easy or the easy way out (and for the record I am not against CIO) but I do find it accomplishes the same result I accomplished in far less time - which I do not feel is a bad thing. The cliff's notes version of Romeo and Juliet tells the same story as Shakespeare.... just one does it much more directly both have their pros and cons (and I tend to read both).

Also respectfully I did not teach my dd the she needs me to hold her hand to fall asleep. We took a more gradual approach:

• first co-sleeping where mom sleeps when the baby sleeps,
• then me laying next to her for her to fall asleep and stepping away once she was asleep
• then me holding her hand while sitting in a chair close to the bed telling her I would leave but was nearby
• finally to bedtime story and I am out (wine time! lovethis)

Many co-sleeping families I know stop at my second step.... which would not have worked for me and I value my sleep too much and felt it was important for my dd to be able to sleep independently.

Just because I took a more gradual approach does not mean I taught my dd to NEED me to fall asleep. I feel I took time for training the same way a mom who opts to CIO does. I created a daily rhythm and setting that met my child and my own sleep needs. She is a happy, well-adjusted, honor roll student who also is a dedicated ballerina. She sleeps more than most of her peers as she has a 7:30pm bedtime where she sleeps in her own room and on the weekends we enjoy our cuddle time when we co-sleep.



Some would argue babies can be thrown in a pool and do not need to be taught how to swim --- "give them the space and they will figure it out". I am sure for some children and some families this is true but for my family I have to take time for training - CIO is taking time for training, what I did was taking time for training. Children learn in different ways and teachers have different approaches to teaching....

The reason I felt you were implying it was the easy way out is because Cliff's notes are the easy way out versus reading the whole book, kwim?

How much time did it take before your dd was sleeping without you being there? As in, you would say good night, leave the room, and she would sleep through the night without you? I know it varies for everyone, but ime, kids who bed share do not begin sleeping solo through the night into well after the first year. Was your experience different?

As for the last part, a baby is in utero in fluid, but attached to mother for oxygen. After they come out, we don't teach them how to breathe, they naturally figure that out. Tossing them back in water after that point is completely absurd since they now depend on oxygen to survive, although I have heard of newborns doing wuite fine in pools. Not sure about the comparison though? The reason I bolded the training part is because you said you had to train your child and you took a gradual approach. Maybe that is where I am misunderstanding and we have different views on CIO. CIO was never a training tool for me. It was the babies natural response to waking in sleep or to soothing themselves to sleep. It had NOTHING to do with me. I don't train kids to sleep. I just don't get in the way of it. I am not trying to pick you apart, but I am curious as to why parents feel they need to hold the hand, rock, nurse to sleep, ect. Is it about the baby or more about the parents comfort level with crying?

I appreciate a great discussion City and I hope you do not feel I am trying to put you down. I really just want to know why parents are so intent on making sleep a problem they need to solve or something they must ease their child in to. I just find it very fascinating and the only thing I have come up with so far is that they don't want the child to cry. They feel the cry is out of distress and has nothing to do with sleep. This has been my experience and I appreciate your insight!happyface

[spinnymarie]

We co-slept with all three babies - the first two while I was working full-time and the last while I was at home with everyone. We chose to co-sleep because we enjoy it. Our babies all napped independently just fine.
Ours are all now as children perfectly fine sleepers in their own beds, though we do all like to cuddle in the morning on the weekends.
Our children stayed with their grandmother while I was at work.
I do feel strongly that co-sleeping does NOT usually set up a healthy sleep pattern for a child that has to go to daycare all day with many other children. My mom was happy/excited to rock babies, but that is not possible at daycare.

[lovemykidstoo]

Maybe i am misunderstandind, but are you saying that CIO is the easy way and if you hadnt felt the need to dedicate so much of your time, you would have just done that:confused:
I have never done CIO bc it was easy! My babies rarely cried bc healthy sleep patterns were established from the start, but I did use CIO during different point so they would recognize that they dont need ME to go to sleep. With respect, you taught your daughter that she NEEDS you to hold her hand to fall asleep, but she doesnt. And that ok! But it does not mean that other ways are taking the easy way out. People ask all the time how they can teach their child to fall asleep. They dont need to be taught. They just need you to fascilitate the environment and encourage them to figure it out bc its natural. I didnt teach my kid how to poop. I just gave them the space and they figured it out!:: Sorry if i am misunderstanding what you are saying!

This exactly. We have 2 kids (19 and 16 now), but I never put them to bed asleep. I always would feed them and put them down when they were nearly asleep. This way, they learned from day 1, how to put themselves to sleep. Therefore, if they woke up in the middle of the night, they didn't need to cry because they knew how to self-sooth. Of course we did go through a 3 week period where my daughter went through a phase where she would wake up and cry. I would go in, rub her forehead for a minute and walk out. Gradually every night she cried less and it was over before we knew it. When one of my dck's is an infant just born and is sleeping between the parents and dad is a large man and she is a week old, I'm sorry, that is NOT safe!