Help Me Be a Good Daycare Parent!

[CalCare]

Yes. You are right. Mom said to 'use your words' which doesn't really help. Children need you to just model the words right in front of them at the time of the incident and I guess we'll never know if that happened. Also 'walk away' doesn't really help because his entire upset was about not being heard. Walking away doesn't meet his need to be heard. What did- attacking the poor other guy! The teacher should have given him a platform to speak- before the physical attacking started. And we all make mistakes, so sure, maybe she missed the chance before hand. Did he ever get to say what he wanted? Did the otherboy get to speak? I guess we don't have enough details since we weren't there. But maybe if the actual teacher that was there tells you (mom) what went down in front of her, you'll know better how to respond to it.

[happymom]

I would wonder when was her most recent classes in ECE and why doesn't she work there full time during the year. Think about it- summer is second string staff at centers. Its true. The other teachers wanted time off, they gave the part timers their shifts. Why isn't she full time? She works at heard start? Is she a lead teacher or an assistant? Part time there? Why? I've worked at a few centers and fccs. I know what goes on. Parents don't realize. Hopefully she is great and this is a totally random tangent. But, it sounds like she has a hard time with conflict resolution and guidance if she is talking about time outs, letters and apologies when it isn't developmentally appropriate. I don't want to offend you or put her down. I guess I'm just trying to respond and this is the way it looks from my POV. In my opinion, I wouldn't feel comfortable having my own children in that environment. But every parent does things differently and has different expectations.

She is a lead teacher at head start. She works part time at the center and full time at head start. She's not picking up shifts from other teachers during the summer. She is in his classroom, full time from 6:30-4:00, as his teacher, this summer.

Head start is her priority; during the school year she works the evening shift and comes in after she does head start and works at the center until they close, she's been doing this for years according to the director (who would love to have her full time at the center). She already knows the kids, from working with them for those few hours in the evening. She really truly is a great lady. It definitely sounds like she missed her chance to intervene.

The letter/apology thing had nothing to do with his teacher. That was me, maybe not appropriate, I don't know. I really didn't know what to do. It seemed appropriate, maybe not for a typical 4 year old, but for a boy who can spell/read/write several words, it seemed appropriate to me. He's my oldest/first kid and I'm just trying to do my best.

He came home yesterday with this elaborate story of a boy who accused him of something minor (coloring on his page). He tells me "I told him I didn't do that, and then I told him again, and he still said I did, so I walked away and I didn't even hit him" So perhaps he learned, he had a lot of pride when he told me that he just walked away.

Adults and other kids don't always listen to him. He ALWAYS wants the floor. We are working with him to learn that sometimes he needs to let other people talk first and then he can have his turn. He is constantly talking over people and interrupting. Trust me, we have been working on it.

He has definitely had some aversions to the center though in the recent past, there's certain kids who just really bug him, but that's life. I work with people who really bug me, too

I talked to her and her story was the same one I got when I picked him up that day: The "bad word", then the attack, then he had to be restrained by a second because he was fighting his teacher so hard. She showed me where it happened and where she was and she was within ear shot and should have intervened. I'm sure she didn't think it would escalate since he's never done anything like that before.

He was so worked up over getting accused of something he hadn't done. It comes back to home though, my son is not getting enough sleep (we are talking about seeing a specialist because even though he is in bed at a decent hour, he lays there for sometimes 3+ hours before he is asleep at 11pm/midnight), he is so much better at controlling his emotions when he's had enough sleep, but he has such a difficult time falling asleep. His mind just races and he worries about things his little 4 year old mind shouldn't be worrying about.

I'm sad and embarrassed.

[CalCare]

I'm sorry to hear you are sad and embarrassed to be going through this. Who called "poop" a bad word? Everything you are saying just tells me the teacher is at fault. Sleep or not. I have seen quality programs and the teachers know how to handle conflict and at such programs I have never seen a child have to be restrained. I have also seen programs where the teachers do not know what they are doing and there, I have seen teachers holding physically, onto children. In some extreme case, I'm sure it could be necessary- I highly doubt this is that. Just change programs already. Once you do, I bet you will be so happy. But find a good one. I meant it when I asked what is the purpose of his being there- at that program. Is it childcare because you are at work and there is no where else possible? Are you choosing this place for his enrichment? It doesn't sound like a good place for your son. Did you look at the links I gave?

[racemom]

I'm sorry to hear you are sad and embarrassed to be going through this. Who called "poop" a bad word? Everything you are saying just tells me the teacher is at fault. Sleep or not. I have seen quality programs and the teachers know how to handle conflict and at such programs I have never seen a child have to be restrained. I have also seen programs where the teachers do not know what they are doing and there, I have seen teachers holding physically, onto children. In some extreme case, I'm sure it could be necessary- I highly doubt this is that. Just change programs already. Once you do, I bet you will be so happy. But find a good one. I meant it when I asked what is the purpose of his being there- at that program. Is it childcare because you are at work and there is no where else possible? Are you choosing this place for his enrichment? It doesn't sound like a good place for your son. Did you look at the links I gave?

We use the word poop at my DC, so I don't see that as a bad word. But, if the child was hitting and kicking the teacher, I can Understand why the child was restrained by someone. I would never allow a child to hit me for any reason.

[happymom]

Just change programs already. Once you do, I bet you will be so happy. But find a good one. I meant it when I asked what is the purpose of his being there- at that program. Is it childcare because you are at work and there is no where else possible? Are you choosing this place for his enrichment? It doesn't sound like a good place for your son. Did you look at the links I gave?

Thank you, yes I did. It is because I work, he came from a home daycare and she was incredible. I keep him there for stability, and because it is comfortable (read, lazy). Thanks for the kick. I will look at other local programs.

It was a 3 year old who said "poop" was a bad word. DC center has a rule the poop is only to be said in the bathroom (at least that's what my son told me).

[CalCare]

But why would it have ever gotten to that point? There are extreme cases where a child has these issues and I have faced some difficult kids- one I worked with had a diagnosed explosive whatever disorder a million years ago. But this is a typically developing 4 year old who has never had such issues. Ok so he is a little cranky from a lack of sleep. But I think this environment is the obvious problem. It seems obvious from my POV. Mom thinks he stays up at night from worry and stress well, where is that coming from? Why can he write letters of apology? Does he get a chance to free play, child directed, for good long stretches of time? Does he have competent leaders teaching him how to communicate and cooperate and negotiate with peers? Mom, have you LOOKED at any other programs? Programs that are playbased, with plenty of outside time? I bet if you go see one or two, your outlook will change. 'problem' children are created when they are placed in situations that they cannot preform what is asked. Put him in a situation where he can be successful and just see how happy you both can be. When I said 'inappropriate' I didn't mean 'socially bad' like when someone will say something like 'fart jokes are inappropriate' . I meant developmentally it is not what his mind and body can do. He needs a developmentally appropriate program. It's also a buzz word. Programs love to use the words "developmentally appropriate" when they are completely not. Real developmentally appropriate for your 4 year old is child directed (teachers didn't direct the way they play), free play, outdoors. I might sound extreme on this spectrum, I understand that. It is because the children need it and the adults need to hear it. Too many programs rob children of this basic need - in the name of education. It literally ruins the child's educational development. Research Peter Gray. He has a lot to say on the subject. He links the increase in teen suicide and depression to lack of free play in early childhood. I would love to hear back from you, Mom. I am truly curious if this teacher is really the 'lead' at the other program and if she has a recent ECE class at all. And I would love to know if you go look at 2, at least 2, New programs that are play based and what your reactions to those are. Find true factual answers not what the director says off handedly in an intentionally misleading way. I know you don't want to believe it, but the director has a business to run and she will vaguely say what she has to if it keeps parents happy. She isn't lying if she says 'i believe' she is the lead, etc.

[happymom]

I am currently looking at other programs.

This program definitely isn't academic based. The curriculum isn't advanced at all, they teach age appropriate stuff. He is very bright and learned how to write at home, but he is not academically challenged at all at preschool (which is fine by me, but maybe I'm too passive), the outdoor and indoor play areas are the biggest reason I chose this center in the first place. They have a great outdoor area. They play outside 4 times per day (length of time is dependent on the weather) up to 40 minutes, they have nap time, indoor play time, circle time (teacher reads to them), and then they do a few basic work sheets/coloring pages, projects with cutting/glue/playdoh/painting. The kids have a lot of independence in how they play as well.

I just wish he was able to play with older kids. He clashes with 3 year olds, haha.

[finsup]

I am currently looking at other programs.

This program definitely isn't academic based. The curriculum isn't advanced at all, they teach age appropriate stuff. He is very bright and learned how to write at home, but he is not academically challenged at all at preschool (which is fine by me, but maybe I'm too passive), the outdoor and indoor play areas are the biggest reason I chose this center in the first place. They have a great outdoor area. They play outside 4 times per day (length of time is dependent on the weather) up to 40 minutes, they have nap time, indoor play time, circle time (teacher reads to them), and then they do a few basic work sheets/coloring pages, projects with cutting/glue/playdoh/painting. The kids have a lot of independence in how they play as well.

I just wish he was able to play with older kids. He clashes with 3 year olds, haha.

Your son sounds very similar to mine, he's 5 and the oldest here. He has just now started to turn a corner with removing himself from a situation with younger kids when he gets frustrated with them. Keep at it, he'll get there too. Honestly, it sounds like you're a great mom :hug: It stinks when our kids do things like this, but hes got you and what sounds like some good teachers to help him through it. And if you do stay, it's not too much longer until he be with the older kids.

[happymom]

Honestly, it sounds like you're a great mom :hug: It stinks when our kids do things like this, but hes got you and what sounds like some good teachers to help him through it. And if you do stay, it's not too much longer until he be with the older kids.

Thank you!

He really knows better than to be mean to other people. We need to work on his short temper and we all need to listen to him better.

I don't even know how to look for a program. All I feel like I am looking at is places. How do you get to know a program in just an interview?

[Blackcat31]

How do you get to know a program in just an interview?

I am not sure... I would guess maybe talk to other families that attend, ask to volunteer as a classroom helper or volunteer maybe...

I would think that current and past families would be the best source of what a parent's experience is for that program.

Otherwise, it seems it is just an endless string of trial periods... I'm sorry I wish I had better advice.

[happymom]

It's hard.

I know Montessori programs are well known for being "good" and a local one has great parent reviews, but I don't know how well he'd do with the multi-aged thing -- except he has a baby brother that he loves and adores and I also think it'd be hard to separate them.

[sahm1225]

I am currently looking at other programs.

This program definitely isn't academic based. The curriculum isn't advanced at all, they teach age appropriate stuff. He is very bright and learned how to write at home, but he is not academically challenged at all at preschool (which is fine by me, but maybe I'm too passive), the outdoor and indoor play areas are the biggest reason I chose this center in the first place. They have a great outdoor area. They play outside 4 times per day (length of time is dependent on the weather) up to 40 minutes, they have nap time, indoor play time, circle time (teacher reads to them), and then they do a few basic work sheets/coloring pages, projects with cutting/glue/playdoh/painting. The kids have a lot of independence in how they play as well.

I just wish he was able to play with older kids. He clashes with 3 year olds, haha.

I must be missing something because I don't see where the program He's in is a bad program?

My nephew is the same way as you described your son. Incredibly intelligent, very articulate, active, and sometimes can have a short temper. He's 6 now and In school full time. His birthday is in late September and in our state, he was past the cut off when the kids can start kindergarten. His daycare friends all left for school and he was the only one left with the 3-4 year olds (he was 5). He struggled at first. There were usually warning signs that he was getting upset and I needed to intervene.

I do believe the teacher missed the warning signs from your little guy. The fact that a second teacher had to be called to help to restrain him tells me that by the time they intervened your poor little guy had lost all control in the situation and didn't know how to behave.

I would talk to the teacher to come up with a plan on what to do when he's feeling overwhelmed. He has already told you how he handled a similar situation differently and that's great. I would also see if the teacher can give him extra responsibility since he will be transferring to the other class in a few weeks anyway. I would put my nephew in charge of writing the names on the parents daily sheets in the morning, he loved doing laundry so he was in charge of gathering the daycare laundry, he also loved to set the table during meals. It was simple things that helped remind him that yes he is older but he can still play and have fun with the 'littles'as he called them.

Good luck! I think you're an amazing mom from what you e said on here. And totally random but I once had my 5 year old daughter draw a card for her kindergarten teacher after she had a difficult day with not listening.

[happymom]

I must be missing something because I don't see where the program He's in is a bad program?

My nephew is the same way as you described your son. Incredibly intelligent, very articulate, active, and sometimes can have a short temper. He's 6 now and In school full time. His birthday is in late September and in our state, he was past the cut off when the kids can start kindergarten. His daycare friends all left for school and he was the only one left with the 3-4 year olds (he was 5). He struggled at first. There were usually warning signs that he was getting upset and I needed to intervene.

I do believe the teacher missed the warning signs from your little guy. The fact that a second teacher had to be called to help to restrain him tells me that by the time they intervened your poor little guy had lost all control in the situation and didn't know how to behave.

I would talk to the teacher to come up with a plan on what to do when he's feeling overwhelmed. He has already told you how he handled a similar situation differently and that's great. I would also see if the teacher can give him extra responsibility since he will be transferring to the other class in a few weeks anyway. I would put my nephew in charge of writing the names on the parents daily sheets in the morning, he loved doing laundry so he was in charge of gathering the daycare laundry, he also loved to set the table during meals. It was simple things that helped remind him that yes he is older but he can still play and have fun with the 'littles'as he called them.

Good luck! I think you're an amazing mom from what you e said on here. And totally random but I once had my 5 year old daughter draw a card for her kindergarten teacher after she had a difficult day with not listening.

Well all of this made me tear up. Thank you. I am trying to teach him also that he doesn't have to be friends with everyone, but he does have to be nice to everyone.

I really look forward to him being moved to the next level class. The teacher in that class (is actually the one who was asked to help in this situation as well as the teacher who talked to me at pick up the day it occurred) has been his favorite since he started at this daycare center a year ago. He always talked about her, before I had even met her, finally when I did it was like 'OOOOH, YOU'RE MISS B! My son tells me you are his favorite teacher" -- she said it was funny because she hadn't worked with him very often. He knows that he will be moving to her class soon and is very excited about it.

I actually thought about seeing if there was a way for him to start Kindergarten this year. I think he would excel but my research tells me no school in the county would accept a 4 year old with a March birthday. Plus he is on the extreme small side, he'd look pretty silly in kindergarten (he is only 36" tall and wears size 18-24m or 2T clothes and size 7 shoes).

[happymom]

Daycare has acknowledged that he needs to be moved to the next level. They say they can not officially move him until the school year starts on Aug 29th.

That isn't too far off.

His teacher apologized that she didn't catch the incident sooner. I had a chance to talk to her more in depth about it yesterday and she said "sometimes these things just happen once and they learn from it the first time"

I think that was the case, but she also says that he hasn't been listening as well as he could. We are working on that =)

[CalCare]

What is he not listening about? Any examples?