Help Me Be a Good Daycare Parent!

[happymom]

I'm about to lose it with my little boy. He is 4 and he's about a month away from being moved to the pre-k class in his daycare center. He's with a lot of kids much younger than him at the moment and I honestly feel like he's matured out of the classroom, but they won't move him until the kindergartners start in the fall.

A child got upset with my son because he thought he heard him say a bad word (poop) when he actually said "I can't carry both". I 100% trust that this was the case given the context of the situation, not that he's an angel, but he doesn't use bad words and only talks about poop in the bathroom.

Well, my kid flipped, and lunged at the other child with both hands and "clawed" at his face, squeezed his cheeks with his fingernails. Another teacher had to tell me second-hand about it when I arrived to pick him up, but stated that he was so mad that his hands were shaking as he clawed his face. My child was told to take a time out, he refused and started attacking the teacher, another teacher had to get involved a physically put him in time out.

The other child wasn't hurt, but obviously this needs addressing.

We talked about how he need to use his words (he combated with the fact that he told him several times that he did NOT say poop, but the child kept saying over and over that he did) and how he needs to walk away (he couldn't because the class was lining up to get their mats for nap time) and how we can never resort to touching/hitting/grabbing.

He wrote letters to his teacher (sorry for being mean to the boy and for not listening to teacher) and to the boy (sorry for being mean). I made him do it 100% on his own, only telling him how to spell the words he wanted to write. He sealed them in envelopes and he told me he would apologize to his teacher and the boy and give them the letter.

When we got to class today he was acting out again. He was grabbing on to me, physically trying to make me stay with him. He wouldn't look at his teacher. I don't know what happened to his letters. I am so disappointed in him and in myself. What can I do to make this right? I really feel defeated, I thought everything was going to be better this morning.

:confused:

[Cat Herder]

Imagine you were forced to live in MTV'S house with six 18 years olds. You have to share everything, nothing in the house actually belongs to you. You want to please your husband, who wants you to finish this 12 month show. How long would it be until you snapped?

Sounds like DS is in an environment that is actually doing him more harm than good.

Sorry for blunt. It's hot and we just came in from water play. I am a bit worn out.

[daycarediva]

I guarantee he was embarrassed this morning.

Is there an area where he can be away from the younger kids? Mixed age groups are often blamed, but I don't always agree with that as long as he has a chance to act his own age.

Where was the teacher? I am assuming there was a steady escalation before your son snapped. Kids often yell, say no, stop, etc before resorting to violence.

I would reward for good behavior at the end of the day (watching a show before dinner, going to the playground, etc) AND at that age I would remove something for poor behavior- losing tv time, playground, etc.

also- thank you for trying to support his teacher! That means the WORLD to us! happyface

[Cat Herder]

Where was the teacher? I am assuming there was a steady escalation before your son snapped. Kids often yell, say no, stop, etc before resorting to violence.

This was my over all concern as well.

DS has to be able to get away from these kids when he needs a break. Someone should have noticed he really needed one (a break) and intervened.

[happymom]

The students were lined up getting their mats, I imagine his teacher would have been at the front of the line handing out mats as the kids got up front.

I agree that there was an escalation before he snapped.

Maybe I shouldn't have had him apologize first thing but let him do it on his own time?

Right now this is his class, it's not considered mixed age group, it is the 3-4year group and then there is a 4-5year group. He is 4 and a half. There are a couple of other kids in the same situation (about to move to the next class at the end of August)......but the children he considers his friends are all going to kindergarten this year. He does better with an older group. There are still kids who pee/poop their pants in his class.

[happymom]

I don't want to place blame on the teacher, I'd rather use it as a learning opportunity. He was violent when he needed to use a different outlet.

I don't want to make excuses for him. I just want him to own up to it and do better next time.

[happymom]

All while trying to keep in mind that he is only four...

[Unregistered]

I think it's great that you want to be proactive. The cheek scratching incident sounds pretty serious. It seems like your son is really struggling in his environment. At his age hopefully he can have some understanding of you have an open dialogue with him about his feelings and expected behaviour. I suggest keeping the topic open, discuss it often and validate the feelings he is having too. I agree the teacher should have been keeping a closer eye, he likely built up to that point and didn't jut start off o angry.

My own 4yo was having a very difficult time recently in my home daycare. What has helped is really making sure we have some one on one time, complimenting him when he has good/kind behaviour and talking about his feelings and what's going on in his world. I think a small reward for good behaviour will help and possibly a count down calendar until he gets to go to th big kids room.

For what it's worth, I don't view a "good daycare parent" as one who gets their kid to stop any negative behaviours immediately. A good daycare parent listen to the concern, doesn't place blame elsewhere and try's to proactively improve the behaviour. Those are all things your doing. It's taken a lot of effort by my son is improving and I'm sure yours can too.

[Cat Herder]

It really is not about blame. Simply a fact. The teacher will probably tell you that, as well.

Because I am out here in the virtual world, I can see that the only people who have the power to change this situation for your DS are the three adults (you + two teachers) who are putting the full onus on the child (time outs, apologies, letter writing).

It is honorable you want your son to be responsible for his actions, but going from no history of violence to something so extreme is a cry for help. This does not read like a tantrum and he is not 6. :hug:

IMHE, The reaction your son had was a clear sign, DS is too stressed in that environment or with that schedule. That does not mean it can't be corrected. His teachers will know exactly what to do. Small group time, individual time and large group time. Physical exercise, good food and rest.

I would talk more with the actual teacher instead of a secondhand story before doing anything else.

[Thriftylady]

I agree that you need to talk to the teacher. I am not going to give your DS a free pass at all, but at his age he needs to be learning how to handle his anger, so he needs help learning that. I would want to know from the teacher have other less severe things been going on? How often is there an issue? Is it always with one child or with several? A certain time of day each time? I guess what I am saying is see if there is any pattern. That may help you and the teacher figure it out. If there is no pattern and this was truly a one time thing, then maybe you are over thinking it?

[happymom]

He has had several bouts of "not listening" lately, but never anything like this. He tends to get very upset (at home, too) when he feels that someone is not listening to (agreeing with) him.

He will argue with anything he doesn't agree with. I'd go to a point of saying he is an excessive arguer/negotiator and extremely articulate and good at it.

So while figuring ways to stop violent acts with him is good. Stopping him from feeling like no one is listening to him just because he doesn't agree is going to be more proactive. Just talking out loud. Thanks for brainstorming with me!

[CalCare]

I believe your son is in a program that is not doing him any good. In my opinion, the teachers did not handle the original conflict well and it resulted in a child getting physically hurt and your son (and the other child) getting no guidance to how to manage a conflict better next time. The whole point of this environment is to develop social/emotional skills, right? Or what? What is he there for? If you want him to develop social/emotional skills, one of those (a big one) is conflict resolution and communication. The following links may be helpful to you and are methods that a good teacher should be using (in my opinion). Might I ask what education or experience the teacher has, that was there during the conflict? No, it may not mean everything, but it sounds like she can't safely manage a classroom or teach social/emotional skills.

http://www.janetlansbury.com/2010/04/no-bad-kids-toddler-discipline-without-shame-9-guidelines/

http://www.naeyc.org/files/yc/file/200603/GuidanceBTJ.pdf

[happymom]

She is in her mid-fifties and has been working with children for 3 decades. I honestly have a ton of respect for her, she works part time in my son's daycare center during the school year (she is also a head-start teacher) and full time in the summer.

I will definitely take a look at those links.

I really believe he has learned a lot of those skills from being in a daycare setting and that this was out of the norm for him to act this way, and I definitely try to sympathize with him, as he was accused of something that I know he did not do by another student and no one had his back.

[CalCare]

I would wonder when was her most recent classes in ECE and why doesn't she work there full time during the year. Think about it- summer is second string staff at centers. Its true. The other teachers wanted time off, they gave the part timers their shifts. Why isn't she full time? She works at heard start? Is she a lead teacher or an assistant? Part time there? Why? I've worked at a few centers and fccs. I know what goes on. Parents don't realize. Hopefully she is great and this is a totally random tangent. But, it sounds like she has a hard time with conflict resolution and guidance if she is talking about time outs, letters and apologies when it isn't developmentally appropriate. I don't want to offend you or put her down. I guess I'm just trying to respond and this is the way it looks from my POV. In my opinion, I wouldn't feel comfortable having my own children in that environment. But every parent does things differently and has different expectations.

[Unregistered]

I thought the mother orchestrated the letters and apologies.

"I made him do it 100% on his own, only telling him how to spell the words he wanted to write."