Misdirected Email

[sharlan]

I always give a heads-up when I have to term, but I think you're right, I need to update the situation, certainly. I would like to take the high road, but I can't sit idly by while she's telling people I was rough with her kid. She just made that up, and I don't know what's wrong with her! I know I need to calm down but I'm still seething. I'm going to write her a letter, I think. I'll post it here before I send it so that you guys can stop me if I'm making a fool of myself.

She is trying to justify her actions by blaming you. She is refusing any responsibility for her behavior.

[ChelseaB]

I disagree. I see it as exactly the opposite.

When a disgruntled client bad mouths me, the people they tell either:

a) believe the story they are told. Which in turn usually has them avoiding me for services..... which is a GOOD thing because birds of a feather usually flock together so they more than likely wouldn't be the type of family I want in care anyways. In my eyes that would be doing me a favor.

OR

b) don't believe her/him for a single minute and are usually the type that would want to find out for themselves. Which IS the type of family I would like to work with.

So again, I see bad mouthing as a form of "advertising".

The negative stuff most disgruntled parents spew is easily seen as just that.....Gossip-y crap that happens when some special snowflake doesn't get their way.

I will always choose to take the high road and hold my head up KNOWING I chose to not participate in that type of stuff.

Other than a cease and desist letter, I stay out of past clients issues.

I understand what you're saying BC, and I do agree with you to a point. However, what I'm trying to get at isn't what her direct actions are. It's one thing for her to spew and rave to people to try to get a pity party. I'm talking about the indirect conflict it could cause. Innocent parties who've merely heard by way of word of mouth, with no idea of the real story. They just heard through the grapevine from a friend of a friend that this particular provider didn't have a great reputation. I know many people only need the slightest of doubts to not even consider a provider because they're trying to look out for the best interest of their child and don't want to take the chance (whether it was heresay or not). In these instances, it's not that relief of avoiding potentially problematic parents. They could be golden. It's merely the ripple effect that could be caused if ex DCM continues to slander, especially if her stance sounds like abuse on the provider's part. Things like that aren't the simplest to resolve or prove either way. :/

I completely understand what you're saying, I really do. I'm just not confident of what might happen without Tasha's reinforcement...if only to send the cease and desist letter based solely in the exchange she does have to ensure future problems don't arise. Regardless, there are many ways of dealing with things, it's just what each provider is comfortable with.

[spedmommy4]

I understand what you're saying BC, and I do agree with you to a point. However, what I'm trying to get at isn't what her direct actions are. It's one thing for her to spew and rave to people to try to get a pity party. I'm talking about the indirect conflict it could cause. Innocent parties who've merely heard by way of word of mouth, with no idea of the real story. They just heard through the grapevine from a friend of a friend that this particular provider didn't have a great reputation. I know many people only need the slightest of doubts to not even consider a provider because they're trying to look out for the best interest of their child and don't want to take the chance (whether it was heresay or not). In these instances, it's not that relief of avoiding potentially problematic parents. They could be golden. It's merely the ripple effect that could be caused if ex DCM continues to slander, especially if her stance sounds like abuse on the provider's part. Things like that aren't the simplest to resolve or prove either way. :/

I completely understand what you're saying, I really do. I'm just not confident of what might happen without Tasha's reinforcement...if only to send the cease and desist letter based solely in the exchange she does have to ensure future problems don't arise. Regardless, there are many ways of dealing with things, it's just what each provider is comfortable with.

I think a few more things need to be taken into consideration here:

In rereading the post, the dcm didn't say Tasha's name, the little one did. Tasha and the other provider were only able to figure it out because they knew each other and the little boy said Tasha's name.

Yes, it's infuriating that dcm is talking trash but, if dcm isn't using Tasha's name directly, there wouldn't be anything Tasha could legally do. And, if Tasha writes a letter to dcm, it could make dcm mad enough to escalate the situation to Yelp reviews. Just my two cents but, in your shoes, I would leave it alone . . .

[Thriftylady]

I think a few more things need to be taken into consideration here:

In rereading the post, the dcm didn't say Tasha's name, the little one did. Tasha and the other provider were only able to figure it out because they knew each other and the little boy said Tasha's name.

Yes, it's infuriating that dcm is talking trash but, if dcm isn't using Tasha's name directly, there wouldn't be anything Tasha could legally do. And, if Tasha writes a letter to dcm, it could make dcm mad enough to escalate the situation to Yelp reviews. Just my two cents but, in your shoes, I would leave it alone . . .

I guess I am in the camp where DCM is already doing those things.

[Tasha]

This is what I want to send her. Let me know what you think:

Last night I received a phone call from (), and she gave me quite an earful. You see, while we live in a large city, the daycare community is quite small. It was astonishing to hear that the same woman who cried on my couch, begging to stay in my daycare less than a week ago is the same woman who lied outrageously about me and my business.
You know full well that I have never raised my voice to you, let alone after being 2 mins late. I have never, ever shamed DCB about his potty-training, as you well know. But perhaps the most egregious of all is the claim that I was rough with your son, yanking pacifiers out of his mouth. This charge is way beyond the pale, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
This is a warning that I will get my attorney involved if I hear one more time that you are slandering me. I do not want to hear from you again, and this ends right here, right now.

[Unregistered]

Put it away for a day or two. Rewrite it and take out all emotion. Think of how you write up an observation on a child: just the facts.
IMO it will be much more businesslike. And scarier.

[Thriftylady]

Put it away for a day or two. Rewrite it and take out all emotion. Think of how you write up an observation on a child: just the facts.
IMO it will be much more businesslike. And scarier.

Yeah tone down the emotion some. I am also not sure I would put exactly who you heard it from. Maybe just say "this is a big town, but word gets around" or something like that.

[Tasha]

Yeah tone down the emotion some. I am also not sure I would put exactly who you heard it from. Maybe just say "this is a big town, but word gets around" or something like that.

I know, you're right. I've cringed when I've read letters that other DCPs have written to their clients that were wordy and full of emotion, and here I did the same thing. So, I will of course tone it down. My friend told me that she didn't care at all if I repeated what she said but it might be better if I just take her out of it.

[MunchkinWrangler]

Yes, I think you should rewrite it without putting the other providers name in there. I would simply say that you did hear about what was said about you, so she understands that word does get around. I would put in there that there is no reason to make an already tough situation more hurtful to you. She has already insulted you and now she is dragging you through the mud. I would put in there that you understand that she is upset by the situation but she needs to be honest about it or not mention it at all. I'm sure she never brought up the reason for you terming was because she sent you that email and the words she was using about you. Remember that she is just trying to glorify herself and she needs to do this to make herself feel better. She'll never feel like anything other than the victim in this whole scenario. Some people never learn, some don't have any morals or any idea of what's right and wrong.

I would also remember that most good providers will call a previous one and ask why the family is no longer with you and such. Don't forget that a provider is not so keen on signing a family that is badmouthing their previous provider, it's really one sided and looks bad on the family.

[Blackcat31]

Yes, I think you should rewrite it without putting the other providers name in there. I would simply say that you did hear about what was said about you, so she understands that word does get around. I would put in there that there is no reason to make an already tough situation more hurtful to you. She has already insulted you and now she is dragging you through the mud. I would put in there that you understand that she is upset by the situation but she needs to be honest about it or not mention it at all. I'm sure she never brought up the reason for you terming was because she sent you that email and the words she was using about you. Remember that she is just trying to glorify herself and she needs to do this to make herself feel better. She'll never feel like anything other than the victim in this whole scenario. Some people never learn, some don't have any morals or any idea of what's right and wrong.

I would also remember that most good providers will call a previous one and ask why the family is no longer with you and such. Don't forget that a provider is not so keen on signing a family that is badmouthing their previous provider, it's really one sided and looks bad on the family.

I wouldn't. I also certainly don't feel that has any bearing on whether I am a good provider or not.

Their past relationship with another provider is none of my business nor is it anything I would base my judgement on.

Some of my best families came from the worst situations with previous providers.

[Thriftylady]

I don't call other providers either. I had a landlord once tell me he didn't check references because a good reference could just mean that the landlord was trying to get them out of his house. It made sense to me, so I guess I see references as pointless and a provider could do the same thing.

[lovemykidstoo]

It would be so awesome if your provider friend told dcm that she was accepting the other family for daycare, because she felt very uncomfortable with the way dcm spoke about her previous provider.

Yes this! Then also add that the previous provider is a good friend. Leave it at that.

[Tasha]

I'll call my friend after work to find out how she rejected the DCM. I've scrapped the entire letter and am just sending her an advisement that if she continues to slander (or libel) me that I will take appropriate legal action. I really wanna thank those who told me to rethink that first letter. It was over the top, and I'm so glad I slept on it.

[Annalee]

I have mixed feelings about how to handle this issue as I have been reading the threads. I will tell you how I handled the termed client that accused me of locking (we do not even have locks) her three year old in the bathroom and I terminated her.

She would call my current clients and tell them how bad I was, but licensing was aware of what was going on and had come out to visit due to the client's complaint. I just let it go but was worried to death just the same.

I saw the termed parent at a grocery store a year later and was behind her in the checkout. She dropped an item and I reached down to pick it up and then handed it to her. She was quiet but when she was finished being checked out, she looked back and said "thanks".

I think in that moment she was letting me know she was sorry. Just my way of thinking, but sometimes it is better to let it go but I know that is hard so I respect any decision, Tasha, that you make!

[MunchkinWrangler]

I wouldn't. I also certainly don't feel that has any bearing on whether I am a good provider or not.

Their past relationship with another provider is none of my business nor is it anything I would base my judgement on.

Some of my best families came from the worst situations with previous providers.

I should have worded that differently. I honestly wasn't trying to make it out that it makes a provider bad if they don't check.

This particular situation ****s because the DCM is outright lying and omitting the fact that she was terminated from care based on her rude and terrible actions. I suppose either way you wouldn't know and I guess, rethinking the situation the DCM probably wouldn't give out Tasha's name and number because she wouldn't want the new provider to find out the truth.

So, I recant my statement. It was late and I shouldn't have made a blanket statement like that.