How Much Do You Tell?

[TwinMama]

At the end of the day how much do you tell the parent about their child?

There are small things that happen that I feel like the parent could care less about, but I feel like they are things that can be worked on at home and not just here. Even though I highly doubt the parent would.

Things like demanding instead of asking. Or the difference between special treats and things they ask for. I have a 4 year old that will be starting school. He demands and expects things all the time.

I've mentioned things to Mom, but she'll just say things like..."Yup, how you handled it sounds fine." She doesn't acknowledge it really. It's basically "Sure...if my precious snowflake did that then whatever."

He's not naughty, but he really feels like he is number one. If he wants something it's about him RIGHT NOW. I've been saying things like..."I'm changing a diaper right now...is this the right time to be asking me to do something for you?"

It's basically when I'm giving attention to another child that whatever he needs is urgent.

He has some personal space issues as well that are getting better. He really wants to be touching somebody/sitting RIGHT next to somebody all the time. I mentioned this to Mom once and said,"We're working on personal space issues." She responded as though I was talking about all the other children and not dcb. She said.."Oh yeh, he went through that before too. Hopefully the other kids start to get it."

He's also the same child that announces everything he's doing to get some sort of a response. "Look I'm building a bridge with these blocks." "I think I'm going to play in the play kitchen now."

I understand he's really wanting a Great JOB or something, and I do make positive reinforcement statements. He's just going to have a rough time in school when the teacher can't give him one on one time like I do. So do I explain to the Mom some of the things I notice? Or just leave it?

[Controlled Chaos]

With the attention seeking behavior - I would ignore it. If a child asks for something while I am changing a diaper, I often don't respond until my hands are washed, they learn to wait at the bathroom door (attached to playroom) and wait patiently. If he announces what he is doing I would probably completely ignore it and praise another child for playing nicely. Then once child is engaged in play I would say "looks like you are making some yummy food in the kitchen!" so the praise is linked to the child engaged in play and not attention seeking behavior.

As for what to tell parents - I keep it brief. I try to share 3 short things, structured like a compliment sandwich.
"Timmy spent a lot of time in the book area today, he sure loves reading about bears! He did have a little trouble keeping his hands to himself during circle time, hands in our lap tomorrow - right Timmy?! Oh and here is his painting, he used so many wonderful colors. Timmy, tell why don't you tell mommy about your picture on the way home?"

I deal with all discipline and behavior issues here. I will report to a concerned parent on whether a child had a "gentle" or "good listening" day if they ask. But unless it is a HUGE concerning behavior (like a might term) then I don't expect parents to solve anything.

[TwinMama]

With the attention seeking behavior - I would ignore it. If a child asks for something while I am changing a diaper, I often don't respond until my hands are washed, they learn to wait at the bathroom door (attached to playroom) and wait patiently. If he announces what he is doing I would probably completely ignore it and praise another child for playing nicely. Then once child is engaged in play I would say "looks like you are making some yummy food in the kitchen!" so the praise is linked to the child engaged in play and not attention seeking behavior.

As for what to tell parents - I keep it brief. I try to share 3 short things, structured like a compliment sandwich.
"Timmy spent a lot of time in the book area today, he sure loves reading about bears! He did have a little trouble keeping his hands to himself during circle time, hands in our lap tomorrow - right Timmy?! Oh and here is his painting, he used so many wonderful colors. Timmy, tell why don't you tell mommy about your picture on the way home?"

I deal with all discipline and behavior issues here. I will report to a concerned parent on whether a child had a "gentle" or "good listening" day if they ask. But unless it is a HUGE concerning behavior (like a might term) then I don't expect parents to solve anything.

I love the compliment sandwich idea!

[Ariana]

You might get the odd parent that cares but IME most just don't. I will tell parents lots at the beginning but after a while their feigned interest annoys me so now I don't bother with it.

[Unregistered]

You might get the odd parent that cares but IME most just don't. I will tell parents lots at the beginning but after a while their feigned interest annoys me so now I don't bother with it.

Omg, yes! Or the excuses....
I deal with the behaviors at daycare, if I can't then I'll ask for heir help, or term.

[Play Care]

You might get the odd parent that cares but IME most just don't. I will tell parents lots at the beginning but after a while their feigned interest annoys me so now I don't bother with it.

Pretty much this.

I feel that it's my job to deal with things that happen here. Things that are annoying but developmentally normal are dealt with by me. I don't want to involve the parents because frankly, I don't want them to think I'm looking for their permission or approval.

The only time I tell parents is if I'm dealing with aggressive behavior. And then only because if worse comes to worst and I have to term, they can't say they didn't know

[CalCare]

A four year old is still egocentric and learning to see others perspectives. It's totally normal. I highly recommend looking into RIE practices and do 'sportscasting' when he is looking for attention and not give praise for children, just state facts. The play kitchen example, say, 'I see you are making a sandwich'. If it took great effort, 'I see you making the sandwich just the way you want it. You are working hard on matching all those pieces!' Just state facts, not making him more dependent on you by giving praise. Let him become self motivated. When he is sitting on someone say nothing unless the other child asks you for help or is being hurt in someway. If he sits on the kid and the other kid says 'get off', does he get off? If he does, then he just learned from that kid. If he doesn't get off and the other kid needs your help, I would say, 'Jane, tell Johnny to get off of you. Tell him he is in your space and you don't like it.' Facilitate them sorting it out.
I can see why the mom isn't meeting your expectations. I don't think she knows what you want. Or that you want something from her. If someone said to work on something like my son getting all up on other kids in childcare, there isn't any possible way i can work on that because I'm not there when it happens.
In the diapering situation- if you are changing a diaper and Johnny comes next to you 'demanding' (asking in his language) 'Get me the blue truck.' I would say, 'you want the truck.' Thats all. 'You want the truck'. See what he says. Maybe he repeats it. Say 'you want the blue truck but the truck isn't out. What can you do?' Teach him how to help himself, problem solve, communicate with other kids and adults. Model the right words- say the words and tell them what exact words to say.
These aren't things I would tell mom to work on at all because they really do seem within the normal range of development.
As you said, he is going to kindergarten eventually and if he can become less praise focused and more self motivated and learn to communicate with other kids and problem solve, he will be much happier in k. But its not k yet. This is the time to learn it, not expect it.
I've definitely been in the position where I have been telling parents tons of problems that came up and the parents would ask for it too. But I didn't realize how it made no sense to ask them to try to make headway on childcare behaviors at home.
Just my thoughts.
Good luck

[TwinMama]

A four year old is still egocentric and learning to see others perspectives. It's totally normal. I highly recommend looking into RIE practices and do 'sportscasting' when he is looking for attention and not give praise for children, just state facts. The play kitchen example, say, 'I see you are making a sandwich'. If it took great effort, 'I see you making the sandwich just the way you want it. You are working hard on matching all those pieces!' Just state facts, not making him more dependent on you by giving praise. Let him become self motivated. When he is sitting on someone say nothing unless the other child asks you for help or is being hurt in someway. If he sits on the kid and the other kid says 'get off', does he get off? If he does, then he just learned from that kid. If he doesn't get off and the other kid needs your help, I would say, 'Jane, tell Johnny to get off of you. Tell him he is in your space and you don't like it.' Facilitate them sorting it out.
I can see why the mom isn't meeting your expectations. I don't think she knows what you want. Or that you want something from her. If someone said to work on something like my son getting all up on other kids in childcare, there isn't any possible way i can work on that because I'm not there when it happens.
In the diapering situation- if you are changing a diaper and Johnny comes next to you 'demanding' (asking in his language) 'Get me the blue truck.' I would say, 'you want the truck.' Thats all. 'You want the truck'. See what he says. Maybe he repeats it. Say 'you want the blue truck but the truck isn't out. What can you do?' Teach him how to help himself, problem solve, communicate with other kids and adults. Model the right words- say the words and tell them what exact words to say.
These aren't things I would tell mom to work on at all because they really do seem within the normal range of development.
As you said, he is going to kindergarten eventually and if he can become less praise focused and more self motivated and learn to communicate with other kids and problem solve, he will be much happier in k. But its not k yet. This is the time to learn it, not expect it.
I've definitely been in the position where I have been telling parents tons of problems that came up and the parents would ask for it too. But I didn't realize how it made no sense to ask them to try to make headway on childcare behaviors at home.
Just my thoughts.
Good luck

I like your suggestions. My only problem is that dcb feels it's necessary to get a reward with candy when he does something good. So he continuously asks for candy all day. Mom reinforces this because he immediately will tell her wonderful things when she gets to the door so he gets candy when he gets to the car.

I have actually been very blunt with Mom before about certain behaviors and those have subsided. These aren't as serious of issues which is why I question even bringing them up.

[sharlan]

I don't tell my parents anything. None of them really care what goes on here during the day. It really surprises me, but, oh, well, what can you say.

None of my parents ever ask or care to know what the kids ate, whether or not they slept, what activities we did or if we went anywhere.

[TwinMama]

I don't tell my parents anything. None of them really care what goes on here during the day. It really surprises me, but, oh, well, what can you say.

None of my parents ever ask or care to know what the kids ate, whether or not they slept, what activities we did or if we went anywhere.

I agree. I think it's crazy. We do an art project of the day and they either forget it here or admit that it got left in the car and torn.

Which I find surprising too especially if the child is super excited about it.

This Mom is a teacher. I kind of expected she would care more, but she admitted she doesn't even look at my texts during the day and apologized for not reading them last week when I was keeping her posted on stomach issues dcb was having and she didn't respond.

She even said that I can cut down on pictures I send her throughout the day. I usually only send 4 or 5 pictures of our activities.

[Controlled Chaos]

I agree. I think it's crazy. We do an art project of the day and they either forget it here or admit that it got left in the car and torn.

Which I find surprising too especially if the child is super excited about it.

This Mom is a teacher. I kind of expected she would care more, but she admitted she doesn't even look at my texts during the day and apologized for not reading them last week when I was keeping her posted on stomach issues dcb was having and she didn't respond.

She even said that I can cut down on pictures I send her throughout the day. I usually only send 4 or 5 pictures of our activities.

I can see both sides. Back when I taught, I would not have had time to check pictures/text 4 or 5 times a day. I didn't have my phone on me. The secretary alerted me if the daycare called because my child was ill. I cared about her day, but needed to be detached while at work or it would have made working impossible, I would have missed her too much. I am a "lets look at your awesome art, then throw it out" kinda mom We put occasional stuff in the fridge but it all ends up in the garbage. BUT the time I spent/spend with my kids, I try to be really present. Its about family time, and not necessarily about the time missed. Does that make sense? It doesn't mean I don't care how school was, I of course ask, but I don't need to know every moment of DD's school day now, I trust her teacher is doing a good job, and DD shares with me what she wants.

Just the other side of it.

[CalCare]

Oh my goodness. I feel like when I read this, you just don't see things from the moms pov. She probably can't use her phone during work. I know it was strictly prohibited to have any cell phone use during work at a center I worked. We literally had to put them with our personal belongings in a locker and not go use them until a break or you were off. We were able to be contacted in case of emergency through the schools office.

Also we are taught as teachers to value process over product. Maybe she doesn't care about the footprint reindeer you made as a Christmas activity because she just wants her son to be squeezing paint through his hands and not creating a teacher directed craft.

Also, the candy bribes. Yeah. I totally wouldn't do that for my child or for a child I care for. However, she does. It's her prerogative. She isn't trained in ece so how would she know if that is good/bad/ counterproductive? Almost every article you read in these mainstream parenting mags, and online, tell you to give candy for toileting. I know it grows from there and gets out of hand. So called 'professionals' advise parents to do reward charts, etc. She's doing what she thinks is right. You can try to educate in a respectful way by just giving legit articles about praise, rewards, etc. And obviously don't do the candy at your fcc and tell the child you don't do candy. He'll stop asking, I imagine. Or he'll keep asking. He'll never get the candy from you, so whats the real concern there?
Just know all parents do want the best outcome for their children. She's not trying to make problems. She cares. She just doesn't do things the same as you.

[midaycare]

I don't tell anything unless it's a big thing, like hitting or biting. They pay me to handle that stuff.

[Unregistered]

I don't tell anything unless it's a big thing, like hitting or biting. They pay me to handle that stuff.

Same here.

[knoxmomof2]

I basically cover anything out of the ordinary (positive or negative) . Toilet, sleep, appetite, health and nap are the most common areas that might come up. A lot depends on the parent. If they want less, keep it short unless there's a particular concern.

For personality/ behavioral issues, I handle it here unless it's just really unusual.

I have a "space issues" kid!!! ARGH! He's 2 now. I taught the other kids to say "there's a problem" if intervention is needed. The reason is that he's the youngest and smallest and I don't want them shoving him or pulling something away from him and knocking him over. He's not doing it belligerently, it's just "him". I just keep redirecting, having him return the item, etc. if he's physically affecting someone else.

For attentiong-seeking, whenever I'm busy with something and need a moment, I just tell them. When they're small, I'll start out saying "please wait" in a singsong way every time they engage me. Once I'm done with what I'm doing, I make them a priority to reward their patience. As they get older, I just say it once and they know what will happen. If they're old enough to reason with, I might prioritize a bit more based on urgency but I'll communicate with them what the plan is. In regards to his communication with you, just acknowledge as you are able to. "Oh wow", "nice".. sometimes ask him questions.

In regards to candy, the next time he asks if gets candy, just say "no, but I really appreciate what you did". Big smile, hugs. If he does it again, big smile and hugs. If you're busy, "one second... and I'll give you your hug". ☺️ If, after a few times of this, he's still doing it- just say "remember, we've already talked about this". Big hug. After that, I would ignore it honestly.

Just my thoughts.