I Am SHOCKED....

[Play Care]

Moms on the internet are brutal. BRUTAL. They're so mean to each other, to everyone in the world. I'm a mom myself to a young toddler, and I have had to unfollow all parenting-related Facebook pages and blogs because it's just way too negative. Just remember how very new to parenting these women are...and how very vulnerable and judged they all feel (even if they're contributing to the judgment).

We all most likely have mostly wonderful families who love us and the role we play in their child's life. At least I work very hard to vet the families I allow into my home and ensure that we have a respectful understanding!

I think the fact people *think* they are anonymous on the 'net tends to turn them into keyboard warriors. Because when I am with moms IRL, I never get that sense.
I mean, can you imagine most of your clients telling you that you work for them?!
And it brings home for me anyway, that spending time online should be reduced. I get it's a lifeline for a lot of people, but I've realized lately what a miserable cow I've been and I know my online time has increased this winter And in it's place, maybe cementing some real life friendships and lifelines.

[DaveA]

I think the fact people *think* they are anonymous on the 'net tends to turn them into keyboard warriors. Because when I am with moms IRL, I never get that sense. .

Very true, although I think it's part anonymity and part "group cover"- people think they can blend in and say soo much more in a bunch than 1on1. I had to change my group's library day because there is a mom's group that went the morning we did. Jeez those women were negative and grouchy about EVERYTHING.

As for the parenting groups, I don't think I've ever been on one. Somehow I don't think I'd blend in.

[Mad_Pistachio]

so, they trash the providers, but won't stay home with their children. that makes perfect sense, uh-huh...

a little off-topic, but I'll go on to explain.
my husband works about 60 miles away from home. it just so happened this way, he works there for 10+ year, it's a cushy job, and all... fine.
for the first 2 years of our daugther's life, I stayed with her (or she came to work with me - I had this luxury). so, my husband had this habit of calling me in the middle of the nap time and telling me... things I should do. what to feed her, how to dress her, where to go to play, and so on. at some point (about 1.5 years into all this), I just said, "listen, here is the thing: either you stay with her and do as you please, or I stay and I do as I please, but you have really got to stop calling from 60 miles away and telling me how I should run the house." in other words, either stay home and do what you think is right, or shut the efff up. (he started doing it again just recently, but now I nod, smile, and do what I want.)
what these parents are doing is kind of what my husband used to do: they won't stay home with children (reasons here are irrelevant; I know people need to work), but they try to pull all the strings while being away from them.

I actually, too, thought that providers were overcharging... until I went to school to study ECE and realized just how much money is poured into running a business like this. it did take some inside work to understand. parents just normally don't see this.

[Blackcat31]

...everyone wants to drive the bus but no one wants to maintain it, clean it or supervise the riders...

[spedmommy4]

so, they trash the providers, but won't stay home with their children. that makes perfect sense, uh-huh...

a little off-topic, but I'll go on to explain.
my husband works about 60 miles away from home. it just so happened this way, he works there for 10+ year, it's a cushy job, and all... fine.
for the first 2 years of our daugther's life, I stayed with her (or she came to work with me - I had this luxury). so, my husband had this habit of calling me in the middle of the nap time and telling me... things I should do. what to feed her, how to dress her, where to go to play, and so on. at some point (about 1.5 years into all this), I just said, "listen, here is the thing: either you stay with her and do as you please, or I stay and I do as I please, but you have really got to stop calling from 60 miles away and telling me how I should run the house." in other words, either stay home and do what you think is right, or shut the efff up. (he started doing it again just recently, but now I nod, smile, and do what I want.)
what these parents are doing is kind of what my husband used to do: they won't stay home with children (reasons here are irrelevant; I know people need to work), but they try to pull all the strings while being away from them.

I actually, too, thought that providers were overcharging... until I went to school to study ECE and realized just how much money is poured into running a business like this. it did take some inside work to understand. parents just normally don't see this.

I can't speak to what the typical parent sees in a home childcare program but on the subject of cost, I don't think most parents get it until they start seeing the true costs of what we purchase for our programs.

For example, I have two classroom sets of Magnatiles. ($120ish a set purchased with a grant last year) They are the most popular toy in my block area and several kids have asked for a set at home. 4 parents went out to buy them and were shocked at the cost. All 4 have since commented to me that they had no idea how I purchase such amazing learning materials, keep costs so reasonable, and still make a profit.

If you have never looked at a Lakeshore catalog, you just can't understand. ::

[Mad_Pistachio]

I can't speak to what the typical parent sees in a home childcare program but on the subject of cost, I don't think most parents get it until they start seeing the true costs of what we purchase for our programs.

For example, I have two classroom sets of Magnatiles. ($120ish a set purchased with a grant last year) They are the most popular toy in my block area and several kids have asked for a set at home. 4 parents went out to buy them and were shocked at the cost. All 4 have since commented to me that they had no idea how I purchase such amazing learning materials, keep costs so reasonable, and still make a profit.

If you have never looked at a Lakeshore catalog, you just can't understand. ::

we have the business administration class in the IECE department. I am scared to take it not just because I totally stink at numbers, but because I may find out what our DC director gets out of her daycare... if anything.
I've done quite a few observations at our daycare (for school), and I even tried to jot down approximately how much the parents may pay in a year and then subtract the staff salaries, building maintenance, utilities, toys/books, food, taxes... the list goes on and on. I'm surprised she makes an income, and not so surprised that her husband is a breadwinner.
but then again, it did take some inside look to realize all that. not that I'm making excuses for the mothers trashing DCPs, just trying to see it from the side I saw it from at first.

[Hunni Bee]

Well, I don't know if you all have read the thread on the Parents forum here, titled "It Seems You All Think Parents are Pain in the Backside". https://www.daycare.com/forum/showthread.php?t=77596

It looks like a few parents feel the same way when they come here and read our posts. WE know that we are just venting because this is our safe place and that it just isn't realistic to come on here and talk about how all the parents poop rainbows and glitter.

I haven't read any of the forums you all are talking about, but maybe it's the same types of situation?

[ChelseaB]

Well, I don't know if you all have read the thread on the Parents forum here, titled "It Seems You All Think Parents are Pain in the Backside". https://www.daycare.com/forum/showthread.php?t=77596

It looks like a few parents feel the same way when they come here and read our posts. WE know that we are just venting because this is our safe place and that it just isn't realistic to come on here and talk about how all the parents poop rainbows and glitter.

I haven't read any of the forums you all are talking about, but maybe it's the same types of situation?

I agree 100% Hunni Bee, that's what I figured I would find -- an outlet where parents could express their frustrations but find either useful info to help them better understand or at least other sympathetic parents. That was not my observation, however. In general, a few convos went along these lines:
"My daycare provider is completely <<insert complaint>>. They are overcharging me when they don't even have an education. They insist on being called "school" when the provider themselves can't even spell. They are trying to tell me how to raise MY child!"
Okay, this was the info I was looking for -- this is what I wanted to learn from, so that I can provide better learning avenues for families. I don't want them to feel so frustrated and put out. It was more or less the following statements that left me :
"Your child, your choice -- it doesn't matter what the provider says, you do what you want."
"They are making bank! You aren't hurting them any by doing such and such! That's what they get paid for -- control your provider!"
"Give your provider as hard a time as you want -- after all, that's what they get paid for! You have a real job, and the provider needs to understand that you take priority or should make exceptions blah blah blah"
......umm wow. This doesn't include the judge mental parents condescending remarks in general....basically, change something or quit bitching. You are stupid for thinking this way. You are a terrible mom for that. Just on and on.

My point being was that our forum is generally supportive of one another...yes, we vent, but I don't think I've hardly seen any of us throwing anyone under the bus. Merely empathizing, offering suggestions, and such. That was the surprise, above anything else.

I will have to see if I can pull some of what I read for you guys! It is a totally different tone that what I read on our forum.

[rosieteddy]

When I had my Heart Attack the parents got together and decided all the kids would go to one house and they would hire a nanny.The first call came to the hospital"we didn't know how hard this was"what will they eat ,will you tell us your schedule for the day how can we get them all to sleep at the same time?It was eye opening for them.Not only that but they had to pay the nanny individually under the table more than I charged per week . I ended up closing for medical reasons every parent apologized for not realizing what I had offered price,stability and the personal care of one provider really caring about their individual families.Sometimes they do not know what they have until they don't.

[Thriftylady]

It isn't just parent boards. On the message board I used to moderate on it was the same thing. Eventually the bullies ran off most of the posters on the board and one even posted this "Wow we got all the others to leave now it is just our nice little group, I love this". Needless to say the board was soon closed down. After all, it is diversity that makes a board like this work. If we were all the same, what would we accomplish? But it does seem like the internet feeds into the bully mentality. People will sit behind a keyboard and and type things that they would never say in front of people, I think that is because the people that do it don't really want others to see them for what they are. Behind the keyboard they can be mostly anonymous.

[Blackcat31]

I agree 100% Hunni Bee, that's what I figured I would find -- an outlet where parents could express their frustrations but find either useful info to help them better understand or at least other sympathetic parents. That was not my observation, however. In general, a few convos went along these lines:
"My daycare provider is completely <<insert complaint>>. They are overcharging me when they don't even have an education. They insist on being called "school" when the provider themselves can't even spell. They are trying to tell me how to raise MY child!"
Okay, this was the info I was looking for -- this is what I wanted to learn from, so that I can provide better learning avenues for families. I don't want them to feel so frustrated and put out. It was more or less the following statements that left me :
"Your child, your choice -- it doesn't matter what the provider says, you do what you want."
"They are making bank! You aren't hurting them any by doing such and such! That's what they get paid for -- control your provider!"
"Give your provider as hard a time as you want -- after all, that's what they get paid for! You have a real job, and the provider needs to understand that you take priority or should make exceptions blah blah blah"
......umm wow. This doesn't include the judge mental parents condescending remarks in general....basically, change something or quit bitching. You are stupid for thinking this way. You are a terrible mom for that. Just on and on.

My point being was that our forum is generally supportive of one another...yes, we vent, but I don't think I've hardly seen any of us throwing anyone under the bus. Merely empathizing, offering suggestions, and such. That was the surprise, above anything else.

I will have to see if I can pull some of what I read for you guys! It is a totally different tone that what I read on our forum.

I disagree that it's a totally different tone. I think they say pretty much the same things said here on this board or any provider forum group. Each sharing from their perspective.


My daycare provider is completely <<insert complaint>>.
MY daycare parent(s) is/are <<insert complaint>>>
They are overcharging me when they don't even have an education.
They said they couldnt afford X but went to a concert last night or on a trip to... this is their first kid so I highly doubt they know what they are doing.
They insist on being called "school" when the provider themselves can't even spell.
The parents are pulling to go to "real preschool" or "check out this horrible craig's list ad
They are trying to tell me how to raise MY child
My house MY rules or how can I hint around at getting parents to follow my polices as I am not confrontational
"Your child, your choice -- it doesn't matter what the provider says, you do what you want."
My house MY rules. Just do it anyways no matter what the parent says
"They are making bank! You aren't hurting them any by doing such and such! That's what they get paid for -- control your provider!"
I waive late fees and don't enforce policies because I am afraid to lose income or take control of my business. You aren't the boss of me. Who cares what the parent says, do it anyways...MY house MY rules
"Give your provider as hard a time as you want -- after all, that's what they get paid for!
Tell Johnny's mom you wont give him a nap or you'll wake him after an hour but nap him anyways and just lie to the parent
You have a real job, and the provider needs to understand that you take priority or should make exceptions blah blah blah"
My house MY rules. MY kids live here, they can have special any time they want. Parents wont take me professionally (yet provider answers door in pj pants and looking as if they just rolled out of bed)

[Unregistered]

For years I kept a file on my computer titled" Outrageous things dcp have said to me." It was great for stress relief. Sometimes I read it now for laughs.

I agree 100% Hunni Bee, that's what I figured I would find -- an outlet where parents could express their frustrations but find either useful info to help them better understand or at least other sympathetic parents. That was not my observation, however. In general, a few convos went along these lines:
"My daycare provider is completely <<insert complaint>>. They are overcharging me when they don't even have an education. They insist on being called "school" when the provider themselves can't even spell. They are trying to tell me how to raise MY child!"
Okay, this was the info I was looking for -- this is what I wanted to learn from, so that I can provide better learning avenues for families. I don't want them to feel so frustrated and put out. It was more or less the following statements that left me :
"Your child, your choice -- it doesn't matter what the provider says, you do what you want."
"They are making bank! You aren't hurting them any by doing such and such! That's what they get paid for -- control your provider!"
"Give your provider as hard a time as you want -- after all, that's what they get paid for! You have a real job, and the provider needs to understand that you take priority or should make exceptions blah blah blah"
......umm wow. This doesn't include the judge mental parents condescending remarks in general....basically, change something or quit bitching. You are stupid for thinking this way. You are a terrible mom for that. Just on and on.

My point being was that our forum is generally supportive of one another...yes, we vent, but I don't think I've hardly seen any of us throwing anyone under the bus. Merely empathizing, offering suggestions, and such. That was the surprise, above anything else.

I will have to see if I can pull some of what I read for you guys! It is a totally different tone that what I read on our forum.

[ChelseaB]

I disagree that it's a totally different tone. I think they say pretty much the same things said here on this board or any provider forum group. Each sharing from their perspective.


My daycare provider is completely <<insert complaint>>.
MY daycare parent(s) is/are <<insert complaint>>>
They are overcharging me when they don't even have an education.
They said they couldnt afford X but went to a concert last night or on a trip to... this is their first kid so I highly doubt they know what they are doing.
They insist on being called "school" when the provider themselves can't even spell.
The parents are pulling to go to "real preschool" or "check out this horrible craig's list ad
They are trying to tell me how to raise MY child
My house MY rules or how can I hint around at getting parents to follow my polices as I am not confrontational
"Your child, your choice -- it doesn't matter what the provider says, you do what you want."
My house MY rules. Just do it anyways no matter what the parent says
"They are making bank! You aren't hurting them any by doing such and such! That's what they get paid for -- control your provider!"
I waive late fees and don't enforce policies because I am afraid to lose income or take control of my business. You aren't the boss of me. Who cares what the parent says, do it anyways...MY house MY rules
"Give your provider as hard a time as you want -- after all, that's what they get paid for!
Tell Johnny's mom you wont give him a nap or you'll wake him after an hour but nap him anyways and just lie to the parent
You have a real job, and the provider needs to understand that you take priority or should make exceptions blah blah blah"
My house MY rules. MY kids live here, they can have special any time they want. Parents wont take me professionally (yet provider answers door in pj pants and looking as if they just rolled out of bed)

I had to take a moment to decide how I wanted to respond to your post because you're absolutely right with everything you've said. I suppose I've somewhat wandered away from my original topic; but in the end, everything you wrote are just the things that I want to learn more about from a parents' perspective. These are the very things that I want to avoid. I want to maintain a more open line of communication and respect for one another. Of course, no one is perfect. But I don't see nearly the name calling and bashing here that I do elsewhere, in short. But thank you for your input!

Oh, and for the record -- I am one of those in-home providers who wears comfy clothes (I wouldn't say they're pj's, but they're not dressy ) and my hair up on my head. I always dress professionally for interviews, but I make a point of stating that most days, I will be wearing old clothes etc because I enjoy getting on the floor and playing, plus all of the messes I encounter on a daily basis. I don't have many nice clothes, and frankly, they're not comfortable for me to move around a lot in

[Cat Herder]

I agree with BlackCat's last post.

And I know for a fact I have said something along the lines of change something or stop b!tching about it a few hundred times. ::

In fact, I believe that was Michael's very first post to me, ever. I think it was in like 2008?

[Blackcat31]

Oh, and for the record -- I am one of those in-home providers who wears comfy clothes (I wouldn't say they're pj's, but they're not dressy ) and my hair up on my head. I always dress professionally for interviews, but I make a point of stating that most days, I will be wearing old clothes etc because I enjoy getting on the floor and playing, plus all of the messes I encounter on a daily basis. I don't have many nice clothes, and frankly, they're not comfortable for me to move around a lot in

:: fwiw I was not dissing all providers that wear pj pants... to each their own....I was commenting on those providers that do AND complain about not being treated professionally or respected as "real school" type thing...