Supporting Fathers

[midaycare]

Things are changing around where I live. The courts are starting at 50/50 custody, and then going from there if they need to. So naturally, there is a lot of involvement from both mom and dad.

I really don't see how I have anything to do with father's rights. I run a small daycare/preschool. I spend my time with kids.

[Ariana]

I've spoken with a few father's rights advocates and I agree that some do try to pit one gender against the other. I think most father's rights advocates are legitimately concerned with righting the wrongs they've experienced at the hands of our court system. Unfortunately, some come across as fanatics who, I think, do more to hurt their cause than help it. It's too bad because I think there are some real problems with the way that at least some fathers are treated in our court system.

Things may be different in Canada vs. the US; I don't know. I'm not even sure if all courts in the US are the same. Maybe some would rule differently than the courts my brother had to deal with. While the court never overtly limited my brother's contact with his son, it failed to enforce the divorce/child custody agreements any time his ex-wife chose to disregard them - which was often. I started to type up examples of the parental alienation tactics she used as well as the abusive, neglectful, illegal things she has done over the years but decided not to go there. I could go on for days about it but this thread isn't about that. Trust me, though, when I say the judge who ruled that she should have custody of my nephew over my brother made a very serious mistake that has affected my nephew and will continue to affect him for the rest of his life.

My brother's ex was often caught lying during court appearances, was called on it by the various presiding judges and yet each time my brother took her to court to try to have the custody agreement enforced, she would win. Appallingly, one of the judges even scolded him, telling him it was "time to get over her"!! I wish that judge could have known just how "over her" he was by that point!

With each court appearance, we would think that this time, surely the court would see through her baloney and rule in favor of my brother. It never happened despite the fact that my brother is an upstanding citizen, never did a dishonest thing in his life and together with his current wife, could have offered his son a stable, loving home. I know divorce court judges deal with "he said/she said" claims all the time. They have a tough job having to make decisions about what is best for the children involved but in the case of my brother and his son, it really did seem as though the judges involved really did just blindly side with his ex simply because she was the mother. To be honest, I often wondered if these judges were insane, being bribed or afraid they would end up on the wrong side of mother's rights groups if they made the decision to remove custody from her in favor of my brother. I honestly can't figure out why they ruled the way they did. It makes no sense to any of us who knew both parties. I used to believe in the justice and fairness of our court system. Based on my brother's experiences, I have to think that father's rights advocates still have a big job in front of them.

My friend had similar issues with her ex husband! I am not so sure it really is a gender issue to be honest. My friend had to buy groceries for her ex husband just so her son could go and visit his dad. dad was spending all of his money on who knows what. She had to pay $1000 just to file paperwork to garnish his wages for childcare costs. It was months before she saw any money. The list is endless. They seem to always side with the deadbeat parent it seems. I think people just "assume" they always side with the mom. My mother was a family court ordered therapist so she saw first hand how these situations are handled. She mostly saw men who gave up on their kids and once you give up your rights it is very hard to get them back for various reasons. I don't know your brothers situation and it sounds pretty unfair but my friend went through the same thing and she is a woman.

[daycarediva]

My friend had similar issues with her ex husband! I am not so sure it really is a gender issue to be honest. My friend had to buy groceries for her ex husband just so her son could go and visit his dad. dad was spending all of his money on who knows what. She had to pay $1000 just to file paperwork to garnish his wages for childcare costs. It was months before she saw any money. The list is endless. They seem to always side with the deadbeat parent it seems. I think people just "assume" they always side with the mom. My mother was a family court ordered therapist so she saw first hand how these situations are handled. She mostly saw men who gave up on their kids and once you give up your rights it is very hard to get them back for various reasons. I don't know your brothers situation and it sounds pretty unfair but my friend went through the same thing and she is a woman.

I just had a dcm lose primary custody over the dcd. No other reason than she couldn't afford the court fees, he hired a big shot lawyer, moved the court case out of state, and they would give her 10-14 days notice of court dates-- over 600 miles away! She ended up moving to near where dcd lives just so she could have visitation. Money seems to be a factor. Sadly, dcg was done a HUGE injustice. The last time I heard from Mom, dcg was seriously regressing (no longer pt'ed, stuttering badly, poor behavior-kicked out of preschool- she was the SWEETEST child).

I also just bumped into a former dcb- his mom JUST got the determination from the court that dad was required to pay child support, and his wages would be garnished. They divorced when dcb was 2. Mom filed the petition then. Dcb is 7 now! He hasn't EVER paid a cent- or bought anything for dcb! Yet the court continued to give him 50/50 custody despite a TON of obvious reasons not to, including the guardian ad litem (sp?) pleading with the judge not to let him go back there!

[Ariana]

I just had a dcm lose primary custody over the dcd. No other reason than she couldn't afford the court fees, he hired a big shot lawyer, moved the court case out of state, and they would give her 10-14 days notice of court dates-- over 600 miles away! She ended up moving to near where dcd lives just so she could have visitation. Money seems to be a factor. Sadly, dcg was done a HUGE injustice. The last time I heard from Mom, dcg was seriously regressing (no longer pt'ed, stuttering badly, poor behavior-kicked out of preschool- she was the SWEETEST child).

I also just bumped into a former dcb- his mom JUST got the determination from the court that dad was required to pay child support, and his wages would be garnished. They divorced when dcb was 2. Mom filed the petition then. Dcb is 7 now! He hasn't EVER paid a cent- or bought anything for dcb! Yet the court continued to give him 50/50 custody despite a TON of obvious reasons not to, including the guardian ad litem (sp?) pleading with the judge not to let him go back there!

That is terrible! I have heard a lot of similar stories and you are right it does seem to be about money. My friends ex has a mental illness and basically will not get help and self medicates with drugs and alcohol. There is not a darn thing my friend can do about it. The court told her that unless he was diagnosed and there was proof they didn't care. Of course to be diagnosed he has to go see someone which he refuses to do. It is just such a sad situation not to mention every single weekend her son is with the dad he comes home and starts having potty accidents and is overtly aggressive...he is 7 I am all for fathers rights and mothers rights but to say the court is swinging in favor of moms is a gross misrepresentation in my opinion.

[e.j.]

My mother was a family court ordered therapist so she saw first hand how these situations are handled. She mostly saw men who gave up on their kids and once you give up your rights it is very hard to get them back for various reasons. I don't know your brothers situation and it sounds pretty unfair but my friend went through the same thing and she is a woman.

My brother definitely wasn't one of those Dad's who gave up on his child. He worked so hard to try to maintain a relationship with him. I'm not sure where he found the strength sometimes. It cost him so much both emotionally and financially over the years.

I guess both mothers and fathers have their divorce horror stories. It's too bad the kids are the ones who get caught in the middle and suffer the most in these situations.

[Ariana]

My brother definitely wasn't one of those Dad's who gave up on his child. He worked so hard to try to maintain a relationship with him. I'm not sure where he found the strength sometimes. It cost him so much both emotionally and financially over the years.

I guess both mothers and fathers have their divorce horror stories. It's too bad the kids are the ones who get caught in the middle and suffer the most in these situations.

Yes divorce is devastating especially when one parent is a moron and makes it hard for the good parent to deal with. Tell your brother to hang in there, he is making his sons life so much better. My mother would be busting her tail to help him trust me!!

[e.j.]

Yes divorce is devastating especially when one parent is a moron and makes it hard for the good parent to deal with.

So you've met my ex-SIL? ::

Tell your brother to hang in there, he is making his sons life so much better. My mother would be busting her tail to help him trust me!!

Unfortunately, it may be too late for him to save his relationship with his son. He tried so hard for so long but his ex-wife's efforts to alienate them worked well. Unfortunately, the courts were of no help at all. He has a wonderful relationship with his ds and dd from his current marriage but it doesn't take the pain away from losing his relationship with his first son. It's been such a sad, needless thing to see happen. I wish he had run into someone like your mother who was willing to bust her tail to help him. It actually really wouldn't have been all that hard to figure out. His ex's lies and made up stories were pretty easy to see through. I just don't think the judges cared, to be honest.