Worth Trying to Salvage Relationship with DCP?

[Unregistered]

Hello everyone.

I have been lurking here for quite some time trying to find help with my DSD4 (she will be 5 in about 6 weeks) and have found a lot of good tips and support.

I have now run into a situation with DSD's DCP and was hoping all you lovely people could perhaps offer some insight.

To make a very long story short DH has primary custody of DSD4 so she lives wit us and sees her mother every other weekend. I have known her since a few months after her third birthday and I have suspected from almost the very beginning that she has some sort of developmental delay. Shortly after meeting her other people such as friends of the family and extended family members that have known her from birth have made comments to me about how they also have thought something was wrong for awhile but no one would say anything to DH about it because they didn't want to hurt his feelings and also because some of the symptoms are subtle enough that they could possibly be caused by factors in her medical and social history, though some can't be explained away that way.

Anyway, DSD goes to a small in home daycare (which I always preferred to the larger centers but that is neither here nor there) and I approached DCP about it. We have had several conversations about it. DCP has told me that DSD is definitely behind where she should be in many developmental areas though she didn't feel there was anything like ASD or developmental delays going on. DCP told me that I had valid concerns and a year ago told me that DSD was so far behind that unless we got her in a good preschool this year (we got her into a Headstart program run through the local ISD but I'm not sure I would call it a good program) there is no way DSD would be ready for kindergarten on time and even with a year of preschool she may not be ready.

She tells me all that then turns around and tells DH and his mom that DSD is absolutely fine, there is nothing wrong, my problem is my expectations are too high and I am comparing DSD to my older DD.

Is there any valid reason for her to tell me that DSD is behind where she should be in several areas but then tell DH everything is fine and the problem is me?

Also, I feel she has flat out lied to me. We have behavior problems at home with DSD (we are currently going through the evaluation process as we have since consulted with a child psychiatrist who suspects ADHD, anxiety, and likely ASD) and DCP told me she absolutely would not agree with an ASD diagnosis as she never has any problems with her. I know that is a lie because I can't tell you how many times I have picked DSD up from care when DCP gives me a litany of problems she has had with DSD that day including one day where she said, and I quote "if I could have today I would have driven DSD out into the middle of nowhere and left her by the side of the road."

Now, that statement alone did not bother me in the least as I know DCP's are only human and I am very, very well aware of how much of a handful DSD can often be. The statement was meant as a vent and I took it that way. What bothers me is she tries to tell me and DH both that she never has any problems with DSD and that means the doctor is wrong and she doesn't have any of that and there are no problems with DSD the problem is all with me.

At this point I am half tempted to suggest we switch DCP. Can anyone offer any insight as to why DCP would be doing this? Is this worth trying to salvage or should we just cut our losses and leave?

[Thriftylady]

Sounds like nobody wants to run it past your DH. Have you spoken with him? In most cities there are places to do testing. I would approach DH with the idea of having her tested just to see where she is with where she should be for her age. That takes all the guessing out of it. The evaluation she is getting now may or may not tell you what you need to know. As far as changing providers, I wouldn't do it based on just that when nobody else wants to tell him either, there must be a reason nobody wants to bring it up. I guess what I am saying is try to figure out WHY the provider said different things to each of you first, then make a decision assuming of course that the other major stuff with the provider is going well. If there are other major issues with the provider then that changes things some.

[Unregistered]

Sounds like nobody wants to run it past your DH. Have you spoken with him? In most cities there are places to do testing. I would approach DH with the idea of having her tested just to see where she is with where she should be for her age. That takes all the guessing out of it. The evaluation she is getting now may or may not tell you what you need to know. As far as changing providers, I wouldn't do it based on just that when nobody else wants to tell him either, there must be a reason nobody wants to bring it up. I guess what I am saying is try to figure out WHY the provider said different things to each of you first, then make a decision assuming of course that the other major stuff with the provider is going well. If there are other major issues with the provider then that changes things some.

Oh I have brought it up with him.

We got her evaluated by the local ISD who observed her at daycare for all of a half hour and came back saying everything was fine. However, a friend of my moms works for the ISD in the early childhood intervention program and specifically told me that our ISD is good at many things but they are really bad with mild cases and we need to take DSD to someone with more experience for evaluation.

The problems at home escalated to the point that she would throw tantrums that lasted a full hour whenever we tried to discipline her at all and when nothing was working we took her to the pediatrician who referred us to a child psychiatrist who said she was seeing symptoms (some of which are subtle) of ASD, pretty apparent ADHD, and some anxiety and referred us to the local hospital for further testing and evaluation with an occupational therapist, a speech therapist, and a physical therapist. I told the psychiatrist about the evaluation with the ISD and how they said everything was fine and she was absolutely shocked that they didn't pick up on the speech delay. The psychiatrist feels DSD's speech is delayed by about a year. That combined with the delay in motor skills, the tantrums, the delay in self help skills, the toe walking, and the sensory issues led the psychiatrist to say that DSD does have symptoms of being on the spectrum but we aren't yet sure whether she falls on the spectrum or not and is just showing symptoms of it. We are waiting on the appointment for further testing now.

[Thriftylady]

Well at least you are getting testing that means you will get answers. Sadly these things take time. I think you are doing all you can. As far as the provider, I would ask why she told you each different things and go from there.

[e.j.]

At this point I am half tempted to suggest we switch DCP. Can anyone offer any insight as to why DCP would be doing this? Is this worth trying to salvage or should we just cut our losses and leave?

It seems really odd to me that she's saying one thing to you and another to your husband. Has he given her any reason to feel wary of him? Her comfort level with him may explain why she's telling you she sees a problem but not telling your husband. It could also be that she's trying to please both of you by telling you what she thinks you want to hear. Either way, it's not helpful! If you're at a point where you're ready to cut your losses and leave anyway, I'd ask her why she's telling you both different things and see what her explanation is. Whatever the reason, her lack of consistency and the vent about being tempted to leave your dsd out in the middle of nowhere would bother me. As the mother of a child with Asperger's, I honestly get where she was coming from because I remember having a few of "those" days with my son but ....just seems inappropriate to express her frustration that way to the parent. She's lucky you were understanding!

Times have changed since my son was diagnosed with Asperger's but I remember how difficult it was to get a diagnosis for him. Friends and family said they couldn't see what I was seeing. His pediatrician just about laughed me out of his office when I first mentioned my suspicions. When I met with his teachers individually, some would agree that something was "off" but they would stay quiet or deny it during IEP meetings. Because his behavior was so subtle, even I thought I was wrong at times!! I finally had him tested privately and even that came out with one psychologist saying he had NLD, one neuropsychologist saying it could be AS or NLD - my choice (), and one psychiatrist saying definitely AS. He did end up with an AS diagnosis but it took a long time, frustration and many tears and self doubt along the way. Hang in there and trust your gut.

[MarinaVanessa]

Perhaps the Provider here doesn't have a lot experience to go by here and although there may be some signs that something is different she doesn't feel that it's enough to actually say for sure? She could also feel awkward talking about signs with dad just like his friends are?

If the only difference in opinion here is that she says there is nothing wrong with DSD's behavior or development then I don't see any really reason to pull her, but that's just my opinion. If you feel that her care is lacking ... as in the quality of the child care she is receiving is not up to par ... then I would explore other options.

The problem here is getting Dad to admonish the possibility of there being delays. You mentioned that you have already talked to him about it so the only thing you can do is continue to suggest it ... in a respectful way of course.
"Hey honey, I know I mentioned it before and I know you don't see a problem and I respect that ... I just can't seem to shake the feeling that she may need some help. I just want to make sure that she is right where she needs to be developmentally so that in the unlikely event that she isn't we can get her the help that she needs and we can get it early. It may not even be a big deal and nothing could be wrong, can we at least just talk about the possibility of doing an evaluation just to make sure she's where she should be? It would really put my mind at rest to know that she's doing just fine" ... or something like that.

I'd be prepared to talk to him about the things that you have seen and noticed to explain again why they may be signs that there are delays. Make it about her and her well-being. Also be prepared to be shot down and to respect it. It's hard, trust me I've been there with my nephew and his speech, but all we can to is suggest it ... it's really up to them. You don't want to cause strain on your relationship over this and once she starts school the teachers will let him know if they notice any concerns. HTH!

[NightOwl]

Or go in together to discuss the issues, so that she can't tell you one thing and dh another.

[Unregistered]

It seems really odd to me that she's saying one thing to you and another to your husband. Has he given her any reason to feel wary of him? Her comfort level with him may explain why she's telling you she sees a problem but not telling your husband. It could also be that she's trying to please both of you by telling you what she thinks you want to hear. Either way, it's not helpful! If you're at a point where you're ready to cut your losses and leave anyway, I'd ask her why she's telling you both different things and see what her explanation is. Whatever the reason, her lack of consistency and the vent about being tempted to leave your dsd out in the middle of nowhere would bother me. As the mother of a child with Asperger's, I honestly get where she was coming from because I remember having a few of "those" days with my son but ....just seems inappropriate to express her frustration that way to the parent. She's lucky you were understanding!

Times have changed since my son was diagnosed with Asperger's but I remember how difficult it was to get a diagnosis for him. Friends and family said they couldn't see what I was seeing. His pediatrician just about laughed me out of his office when I first mentioned my suspicions. When I met with his teachers individually, some would agree that something was "off" but they would stay quiet or deny it during IEP meetings. Because his behavior was so subtle, even I thought I was wrong at times!! I finally had him tested privately and even that came out with one psychologist saying he had NLD, one neuropsychologist saying it could be AS or NLD - my choice (), and one psychiatrist saying definitely AS. He did end up with an AS diagnosis but it took a long time, frustration and many tears and self doubt along the way. Hang in there and trust your gut.

Definitely not an issue with with her being uncomfortable with him. She has known DH for years, he is close friends with her son.

I do think it is an issue where she is telling people what she thinks they want to hear but I really don't understand why. What good does that do? Either she is telling me the truth when she says DSD is behind in several areas and lying to DH about it saying everything is fine or she is telling him the truth and thinks she is appeasing me when she says "oh you have valid concerns."

I would rather not leave because DSD likes it there and for other, admittedly selfish reasons such as conveniently located to work, but I do wonder if it is the best place for DSD. She is comfortable there and has friends and likes it there so for those reasons I don't want to switch but at the same time I'm not at all confident that DCP has any experience at all with special needs kids.

For example, the toe walking. There is scientific literature to support the notion that toe walking can be a symptom of ASD and other issues. To be sure, some kids just do it out of habit and eventually grow out of it but if that is the case they generally grow out of it long before now (she will be 5 in a month). Also, the toe walking is pretty severe. She walks up on the balls of her feet about 95% of the time so it's not like it's this subtle little thing. Her heels often never touch the floor if she is moving. DCP told me a few weeks ago that DSD doesn't toe walk anymore. I said how is that possible if she is moving anywhere else she is up on her toes and she says well, she doesn't do it here anymore. I had just seen DSD walk on her toes not 1 minute before this conversation and pointed it out to her and DCP says "well, then she must be remembering it because she doesn't do it here anymore." Umm....what?!?!?!

There are times when kids act differently at home than they do at daycare because they know they can get away with more at home or something like that. We all know this. But toe walking? I'm not really buying if DSD walks on her toes 95% of the time everywhere else she is not doing it at daycare.

[MarinaVanessa]

Definitely not an issue with with her being uncomfortable with him. She has known DH for years, he is close friends with her son.

I do think it is an issue where she is telling people what she thinks they want to hear but I really don't understand why. What good does that do?

You also mentioned that his friends (who I'm assuming have also known him for years) also don't mention their concerns to him ... and those are his friends.

She could just hate confrontation and could be a people pleaser .... telling you what you want to hear and telling him what he wants to hear as well. Some people are like this ... it their way of avoiding conflict.

[Unregistered]

You also mentioned that his friends (who I'm assuming have also known him for years) also don't mention their concerns to him ... and those are his friends.

She could just hate confrontation and could be a people pleaser .... telling you what you want to hear and telling him what he wants to hear as well. Some people are like this ... it their way of avoiding conflict.

Maybe it is just that simple. I don't know I can't figure it out.

And the reason no one mentioned their concerns to him is because they didn't want to hurt his feelings not because they were intimidated by him at all.

[Thriftylady]

Maybe it is just that simple. I don't know I can't figure it out.

And the reason no one mentioned their concerns to him is because they didn't want to hurt his feelings not because they were intimidated by him at all.

It really doesn't matter why people don't want to mention their feelings, but for whatever reason no one wants to. She may be in the same boat as the rest, but you are right it isn't helpful. Sometimes our friends and family are the hardest to talk to though. In this case I am not sure a big center would solve the issue though. They have plenty of issues also and it seems to me the teachers wouldn't be allowed to tell you something like that in many of them. Not all of course, we have some center owners here, but the big chains have their eye only on one thing.... The bottom line.

I have been having a conversation with my one DCM and her daughter's reading. She just can't seem to read on level she is in school now, but on school out days any worksheets I give her on grade level she can't seem to do. In her case it really is on the school IMO, but as a caregiver I feel like I have to tell mom honestly what I see. I guess what I am saying in a long winded way, is the honesty would be a big deal to me. Whatever she really sees, she needs to be able to be honest.

[Unregistered]

Definitely not an issue with with her being uncomfortable with him. She has known DH for years, he is close friends with her son.

I do think it is an issue where she is telling people what she thinks they want to hear but I really don't understand why. What good does that do? Either she is telling me the truth when she says DSD is behind in several areas and lying to DH about it saying everything is fine or she is telling him the truth and thinks she is appeasing me when she says "oh you have valid concerns."

I would rather not leave because DSD likes it there and for other, admittedly selfish reasons such as conveniently located to work, but I do wonder if it is the best place for DSD. She is comfortable there and has friends and likes it there so for those reasons I don't want to switch but at the same time I'm not at all confident that DCP has any experience at all with special needs kids.

For example, the toe walking. There is scientific literature to support the notion that toe walking can be a symptom of ASD and other issues. To be sure, some kids just do it out of habit and eventually grow out of it but if that is the case they generally grow out of it long before now (she will be 5 in a month). Also, the toe walking is pretty severe. She walks up on the balls of her feet about 95% of the time so it's not like it's this subtle little thing. Her heels often never touch the floor if she is moving. DCP told me a few weeks ago that DSD doesn't toe walk anymore. I said how is that possible if she is moving anywhere else she is up on her toes and she says well, she doesn't do it here anymore. I had just seen DSD walk on her toes not 1 minute before this conversation and pointed it out to her and DCP says "well, then she must be remembering it because she doesn't do it here anymore." Umm....what?!?!?!

There are times when kids act differently at home than they do at daycare because they know they can get away with more at home or something like that. We all know this. But toe walking? I'm not really buying if DSD walks on her toes 95% of the time everywhere else she is not doing it at daycare.

Could it be that because dad has his own opinion that he perhaps lied and told you DCP told you that there's nothing to worry about and you're overworried? Sounds like what HE may be thinking/saying and trying to put off on DCP. I'd ask for a meeting with all 3 of you asap.
Also, we ALL say things when we're frustrated. Now, if it seems like DCP is too stressed to handle your little one, then it may be time to find alternative care. If it's more of a frustrated vent from a bad day, and she usually isn't stressed, then I wouldn't sweat it too much, unless you observe any other behaviors that, coupled with the comment, concern you.

This one's a hard one Because you weren't present when dad "allegedly" talked to DCP, you have no way of knowing without asking her directly what really was said. I can't imagine a DCP not wanting BOTH parents to know the truth, because a child that's hard to manage for ME is an inconvenience. Why would a DCP want to pit the parents against one another? Unless something else were gong on, of course...But I didn't read anything that suggests that they have any special relationshop, just DCP & DCD, right? So my guess is that ya'll want to sit down and talk and figure this out. If everyone's NOT on the same playing field, this relationship won't work...

[finsup]

You know, that would bother me. Saying one thing to me and something completely different to my husband. None of the motives to do that that go through my head are good honestly. If it were me, I'd most likely switch because I really don't do well with dishonesty. Esp if it concerns my children. But if you did want to try to make it work, I'd confront it with DH. Request a conference after daycare hours, with both of you there. Then ask directly, something like "there seems to be some misunderstanding here and we're trying to figure it out and go from there. I have a daycare family that I had a lot of he said/she said going on. I created the policy that all communication needed to take place via Facebook conversation where we all could see what was said. If I talk to one of them at pick up about anything of importance, I send a quick message at the end of the day stating what was said. Put an end to the he said/she said game quickly! Maybe that's something all of you could do if yo decide to stay. Good luck!

[childcaremom]

You know, that would bother me. Saying one thing to me and something completely different to my husband. None of the motives to do that that go through my head are good honestly.

Agree with the above. I would never be able to work with someone like that.

I would also be concerned that the dcp is 'venting' to you in that way.

Good luck with everything!

[Play Care]

Agree with the above. I would never be able to work with someone like that.

I would also be concerned that the dcp is 'venting' to you in that way.

Good luck with everything!

Frankly, telling a parent that they had such a bad day with a child that they felt like driving them off somewhere to leave is HORRIBLE. It indicates a huge lack of professionalism, boundaries, and knowledge. It's okay to vent - to another provider, a spouse, etc. You don't say that to a parent. It was kind of you to be understanding, but I truely want to convey to you just how very inappropriate her saying that was.
On top of that she's flat out LYING. And making YOU look bad because of it
I would be looking for other care - either a top notch home provider, or a very good center - places where the staff have a higher than average education level. Maybe it won't amount to much, but they may have more experience/training in child development and better document your DSD's needs. Maybe check with DSD's therapists and see what their recommendations are? They often work with kids at their day cares so they might have a better picture of what is going on during the day. But I don't think staying where you are is a good idea. And you can even say that her therapists recommended she go to ABC day care because of therapy if you are uncomfortable leaving the current DCP since there seems to be a friendship with your DH.