Am I Just Being a Picky Mom?!

[worriedandstuckmom]

So my son is 3 and a half and has been at this daycare for about 1 and a half yrs. It was going really well. The last 6 months or so I'm seeing and hearing things I don't like. For example I've been trying very hard to get him potty trained well he keeps getting sent home with a pull up on and they say it's cause he won't take it off after nap. I told them he doesnt even have pullups here and shouldnt be wearing them they said its there personal stash and there excuse is they have alot of kids to take care of so it's hard to remember everything. When he comes home in underwear there is always streaks on them cause they tell me they don't help them go to the bathroom so he isn't wiping good I asked them to help him he is young and just learning and they just simply say they don't help the kids.
My other major concern is that one of the providers told me they don't do timeouts they will seperate the kids distract them and in some circumstances they told me they have held my son and other children down in there lap kicking and screaming until they are calmed down is this legit? Shouldnt they have a different form of timeouts?
They also get paid for 50 hours a week to keep him but keep asking me to pick him up early on Fridays cause he is the last kid there and there teachers wanna go home. I get him at 530 they dont even close until 545.
I am a 25 yr old single mom. I left his father over 2 yrs ago and another guy who my son called daddy I left about 4 months ago. My son has been acting out and angry with me so he sees a therapists now they have suggested alot but as an example anytime he does something good no matter how small he gets a reward. Well he slept all night with no diaper on for the first time and didn't wet the bed so I let him pick any breakfast snack and any toy to bring to daycare. He picked a blueberry muffin and a Nascar toy. The teacher in the morning was fine with it when I went and picked him up one of the head ladies came at me with an attitude in front of my son and told me to never bring a toy in again she doesn't care why. And also that a blueberry muffin isn't healthy enough for a morning snack. I told her I'm going thru alot at home and I need to stick with the rewards thing all the time and I'm not gunna change it to make her happy. My son and his happiness and well being come first she didn't like it and she walked away from me.
There has been times he has come home with bite marks on him. They tell me about it but for the same child to be biting him 5 times now I feel something needs to be done asap! They just say they have talked to the parents.
This dayacre has helped me alot schedule wise and money wise if I get behind a week or two they work with me. But there r some very concerning things to me that I need some advice if I'm just being a crazy mom or if these are legit concerns. My son loves his friends there and has definitely learned alot from them. I'm stuck on what to think here...new daycare, keep trying to talk with them?! I'm just not sure!

[Shell]

I think many of your concerns are valid, and it sounds like it's time to find a new place for your child.
It just sounds like the teachers are burnt out and not giving it their all and possibly have more kids than they can handle. You want the best for your child, and I believe moving on is in your and your child's best interest.

[Controlled Chaos]

There are several red flags there.
I would be shopping for a new provider.

I don't help potty trained kids wipe once they are fully potty trained and have learned how to wipe. (Anywhere between 2 1/2 and 3 1/2 yo). I was instructed to hold a tantruming child in the hold you described, but this was a specific child with huge behavior problems and it was a plan arrived at with the parents and a behavior specialist. It is not something I would use as a normal discipline procedure.

By letting you pay late they (and you) took away a level of professionalism allowing them to feel as if you owe them and should pick up early to help them out.

[nanglgrl]

First of all you said he shouldn't be wearing pullups at nap but then said he got a reward for going through the whole night without wetting the bed. I'm sure you understand that children that aren't night trained may also have accidents at nap therefore they would need to wear a pull up during nap for sanitary reasons. You are lucky they are providing them. I don't know why they aren't taking them off after nap and I would discuss that with them.

I don't wipe children once they are fully trained and never after 3 years old. IMO they are starting to learn that those are private parts and that no one should touch them. You need to work with him on wiping. He will never learn how to wipe well if someone is doing it for him. Practice makes perfect.

As far as not using time outs and using redirection that's a great way to curb bad behavior. If the child is being held down I would ask about the circumstances in more detail. What instances would require this technique? Is he a danger to himself of others during these tantrums? Is he being gently held and comforted or completely restricted and disciplined?

It's incredibly common for daycare not to allow toys and snacks from home. It doesn't matter that the therapist thinks he needs these things, the therapist didn't say he needs to take them with him to places they are not allowed. Toys and snacks from home cause problems. The child often doesn't want to share the toy, the toy might not be age appropriate (choking hazard) to other children in the room, the toy could get broken, lost or stolen. Food from home can cause problems with another chils allergies, it can cause other children to tantrum because they don't have that food, it can cause them to decline the food the daycare offers. The big problem here is that the staff didnt confront you in the morning about this.

If they are open until a certain time and have asked you to pick up early and it's not a possibility for you then tell them that. Tell them if they insist you will have to find new arrangements. If your child can be picked up early do it, children shouldn't be in care any longer than they need to be. Ask most providers and they will say that the children left in care from open to close just because the parents are paying for it are usually the children with the most discipline problems. The daycare knows your child is the last one there and so does your child. Everyone else's mommies and daddies came, why didn't mine?

Unfortunately biting is quite common and maybe even more common in centers. It's great that they've made you aware of each bite. Have the bites happened all at once? Was there weeks between the bites? Was it the same child who was biting? I would definitely be concerned if my child was constantly being attacked by the same child. You have to understand that often biting happens in an instant. I've had a child lean in for a hug only to turn in a split second and bite. If it's the same child doing it every time and it's happened a lot in a short time I would tell them you need to know how they are going to prevent it. If it's different children and over a longer time span you have to realize that it's just something that's going to happen in a center where there are a lot of children per caregiver and a lot of space.

[Play Care]

First of all you said he shouldn't be wearing pullups at nap but then said he got a reward for going through the whole night without wetting the bed. I'm sure you understand that children that aren't night trained may also have accidents at nap therefore they would need to wear a pull up during nap for sanitary reasons. You are lucky they are providing them. I don't know why they aren't taking them off after nap and I would discuss that with them.

I don't wipe children once they are fully trained and never after 3 years old. IMO they are starting to learn that those are private parts and that no one should touch them. You need to work with him on wiping. He will never learn how to wipe well if someone is doing it for him. Practice makes perfect.

As far as not using time outs and using redirection that's a great way to curb bad behavior. If the child is being held down I would ask about the circumstances in more detail. What instances would require this technique? Is he a danger to himself of others during these tantrums? Is he being gently held and comforted or completely restricted and disciplined?

It's incredibly common for daycare not to allow toys and snacks from home. It doesn't matter that the therapist thinks he needs these things, the therapist didn't say he needs to take them with him to places they are not allowed. Toys and snacks from home cause problems. The child often doesn't want to share the toy, the toy might not be age appropriate (choking hazard) to other children in the room, the toy could get broken, lost or stolen. Food from home can cause problems with another chils allergies, it can cause other children to tantrum because they don't have that food, it can cause them to decline the food the daycare offers. The big problem here is that the staff didnt confront you in the morning about this.

If they are open until a certain time and have asked you to pick up early and it's not a possibility for you then tell them that. Tell them if they insist you will have to find new arrangements. If your child can be picked up early do it, children shouldn't be in care any longer than they need to be. Ask most providers and they will say that the children left in care from open to close just because the parents are paying for it are usually the children with the most discipline problems. The daycare knows your child is the last one there and so does your child. Everyone else's mommies and daddies came, why didn't mine?

Unfortunately biting is quite common and maybe even more common in centers. It's great that they've made you aware of each bite. Have the bites happened all at once? Was there weeks between the bites? Was it the same child who was biting? I would definitely be concerned if my child was constantly being attacked by the same child. You have to understand that often biting happens in an instant. I've had a child lean in for a hug only to turn in a split second and bite. If it's the same child doing it every time and it's happened a lot in a short time I would tell them you need to know how they are going to prevent it. If it's different children and over a longer time span you have to realize that it's just something that's going to happen in a center where there are a lot of children per caregiver and a lot of space.

Mostly this.

[Josiegirl]

I agree completely with everything nanglgirl said. BUT if you feel your child's care is lacking, then that's legitimate too. And might be time to look for other care. Maybe a smaller setting. At least it'll rid him of the biter but do realize biting does happen with toddlers and group care.
I don't allow them to bring their own treats, unless they bring enough for everyone. I do allow them to bring toys from home but if it becomes a problem with sharing, it gets put in their cubby. Treats for staying dry all night can be done at home.
I have a couple dcks that wear pull ups for naps, and I try to get them to the bathroom asap after naps but sometimes it takes a few minutes(not till 5:30 tho!). As far as ds wanting to keep them on, they should be getting them off him somehow. It could hinder pottying.
As far as holding him if he's kicking/screaming, maybe they're trying to simply calm him down. Some kids do better with that than sitting in a chair. It's a tough call because we cannot see where the providers are coming from.
Your gut instinct can tell you much more than we can. Try to set up a conference and see if you can reach an understanding. If not, then look elsewhere.
Good luck!!!

[Thriftylady]

First of all you said he shouldn't be wearing pullups at nap but then said he got a reward for going through the whole night without wetting the bed. I'm sure you understand that children that aren't night trained may also have accidents at nap therefore they would need to wear a pull up during nap for sanitary reasons. You are lucky they are providing them. I don't know why they aren't taking them off after nap and I would discuss that with them.

I don't wipe children once they are fully trained and never after 3 years old. IMO they are starting to learn that those are private parts and that no one should touch them. You need to work with him on wiping. He will never learn how to wipe well if someone is doing it for him. Practice makes perfect.

As far as not using time outs and using redirection that's a great way to curb bad behavior. If the child is being held down I would ask about the circumstances in more detail. What instances would require this technique? Is he a danger to himself of others during these tantrums? Is he being gently held and comforted or completely restricted and disciplined?

It's incredibly common for daycare not to allow toys and snacks from home. It doesn't matter that the therapist thinks he needs these things, the therapist didn't say he needs to take them with him to places they are not allowed. Toys and snacks from home cause problems. The child often doesn't want to share the toy, the toy might not be age appropriate (choking hazard) to other children in the room, the toy could get broken, lost or stolen. Food from home can cause problems with another chils allergies, it can cause other children to tantrum because they don't have that food, it can cause them to decline the food the daycare offers. The big problem here is that the staff didnt confront you in the morning about this.

If they are open until a certain time and have asked you to pick up early and it's not a possibility for you then tell them that. Tell them if they insist you will have to find new arrangements. If your child can be picked up early do it, children shouldn't be in care any longer than they need to be. Ask most providers and they will say that the children left in care from open to close just because the parents are paying for it are usually the children with the most discipline problems. The daycare knows your child is the last one there and so does your child. Everyone else's mommies and daddies came, why didn't mine?

Unfortunately biting is quite common and maybe even more common in centers. It's great that they've made you aware of each bite. Have the bites happened all at once? Was there weeks between the bites? Was it the same child who was biting? I would definitely be concerned if my child was constantly being attacked by the same child. You have to understand that often biting happens in an instant. I've had a child lean in for a hug only to turn in a split second and bite. If it's the same child doing it every time and it's happened a lot in a short time I would tell them you need to know how they are going to prevent it. If it's different children and over a longer time span you have to realize that it's just something that's going to happen in a center where there are a lot of children per caregiver and a lot of space.

I also agree with this. Perhaps you need to have a talk with the director about your concerns.

[Second Home]

I too agree with nanglgrl .

[Unregistered]

I too agree with nanglgrl .

Me too

[Controlled Chaos]

So my son is 3 and a half and has been at this daycare for about 1 and a half yrs. It was going really well. The last 6 months or so I'm seeing and hearing things I don't like. For example I've been trying very hard to get him potty trained well he keeps getting sent home with a pull up on and they say it's cause he won't take it off after nap. I told them he doesnt even have pullups here and shouldnt be wearing them they said its there personal stash and there excuse is they have alot of kids to take care of so it's hard to remember everything. When he comes home in underwear there is always streaks on them cause they tell me they don't help them go to the bathroom so he isn't wiping good I asked them to help him he is young and just learning and they just simply say they don't help the kids.
My other major concern is that one of the providers told me they don't do timeouts they will seperate the kids distract them and in some circumstances they told me they have held my son and other children down in there lap kicking and screaming until they are calmed down is this legit? Shouldnt they have a different form of timeouts?
They also get paid for 50 hours a week to keep him but keep asking me to pick him up early on Fridays cause he is the last kid there and there teachers wanna go home. I get him at 530 they dont even close until 545.
I am a 25 yr old single mom. I left his father over 2 yrs ago and another guy who my son called daddy I left about 4 months ago. My son has been acting out and angry with me so he sees a therapists now they have suggested alot but as an example anytime he does something good no matter how small he gets a reward. Well he slept all night with no diaper on for the first time and didn't wet the bed so I let him pick any breakfast snack and any toy to bring to daycare. He picked a blueberry muffin and a Nascar toy. The teacher in the morning was fine with it when I went and picked him up one of the head ladies came at me with an attitude in front of my son and told me to never bring a toy in again she doesn't care why. And also that a blueberry muffin isn't healthy enough for a morning snack. I told her I'm going thru alot at home and I need to stick with the rewards thing all the time and I'm not gunna change it to make her happy. My son and his happiness and well being come first she didn't like it and she walked away from me.
There has been times he has come home with bite marks on him. They tell me about it but for the same child to be biting him 5 times now I feel something needs to be done asap! They just say they have talked to the parents.
This dayacre has helped me alot schedule wise and money wise if I get behind a week or two they work with me. But there r some very concerning things to me that I need some advice if I'm just being a crazy mom or if these are legit concerns. My son loves his friends there and has definitely learned alot from them. I'm stuck on what to think here...new daycare, keep trying to talk with them?! I'm just not sure!

I somehow missed this last night...too long too read sorry. This would not fly at my daycare. No toys or food from home. It sounds like you are saying you refuse to follow their rules so he wont cry... Any rewards system you have at home needs to stay at home.

[worriedandstuckmom]

Thank you everyone I have read some wonderful advice. I know that no parent or daycare provider is perfect. I am looking for another provider.and I will Def keep in mind all the advice about how to work with the daycares! I've tried talking to them multiple times but they r always right they won't listen to what I'm saying and she pretty much argues with me until I just walk away
The biting is the same kid over about a 4 month span and 5 times. They r the ones that pushed me to not use pullups at nap time or anytime then they started getting lazy with it. They ask us to bring in breakfast snacks but then complain about what we bring. They say we can bring toys but don't give a list only say something when we bring it and they don't want it. And that isn't fair to my son. They can't seem to stay consistent and one teacher will say one thing then someone else will say another. I feel they have way to many kids per teacher. I walked in there was 2 babies under yr old 2 kids under 2 and 3 kids between 3 and 4...is that to many? I see where everyone is coming from and I thank you! I would have no problem following there rules if they could keep them straight and all the teachers were on the same page! Thanks everyone!!!

[worriedandstuckmom]

Oh and the holding down no she told me the kid will be laying on there back and she will hold arms and legs down anytime he is kicking and screaming. I feel this is way extreme. They don't tell me when it happens it just happened to come up on conversation days after she did it. A few weeks later he had a bruise on his arm and she said she may of done it will he was throwing a tantrum. Just not ok woth me at all and even when I asked them not to she said that's how they control them wouldn't even listen to me and respect my wishes at all.

[Thriftylady]

Thank you everyone I have read some wonderful advice. I know that no parent or daycare provider is perfect. I am looking for another provider.and I will Def keep in mind all the advice about how to work with the daycares! I've tried talking to them multiple times but they r always right they won't listen to what I'm saying and she pretty much argues with me until I just walk away
The biting is the same kid over about a 4 month span and 5 times. They r the ones that pushed me to not use pullups at nap time or anytime then they started getting lazy with it. They ask us to bring in breakfast snacks but then complain about what we bring. They say we can bring toys but don't give a list only say something when we bring it and they don't want it. And that isn't fair to my son. They can't seem to stay consistent and one teacher will say one thing then someone else will say another. I feel they have way to many kids per teacher. I walked in there was 2 babies under yr old 2 kids under 2 and 3 kids between 3 and 4...is that to many? I see where everyone is coming from and I thank you! I would have no problem following there rules if they could keep them straight and all the teachers were on the same page! Thanks everyone!!!

Perhaps a daycare home and the smaller setting would work better for you. Then you would likely be working with just one provider, or if you chose a home "center" two or three people. I will just give you a rundown of my rules in my daycare home.

NO food brought in from outside. I provide meals and snacks and if your child misses those, then YOU feed them before they come. they are not to bring in food, because Jane doesn't understand why she has carrots and John has cookies!

NO toys brought from home. Daycare items are shared and often when something is brought from home they don't want to share that item. On show and share days, they may bring an item but when it is not show and share time it stays in the cubby.

Children are in pullups until totally potty trained. That means NO accidents for at least three weeks. If they need a pull up at nap, they need it all day as far as I am concerned.

Your rewards would need to stay at home. I would work with you on your child's issues, within reason but not if it broke the house rules here I would also be willing with your permission to speak with your child's therapist and/or other medical professionals to work up a plan that would work at daycare to back you up, but fall within what I can do in group care.

You do have to understand that if your child has needs that group care cannot provide, then you need to get a nanny. Not saying that is the case, but if it is then you need to consider that.

[worriedandstuckmom]

Also I get state aid I have to keep him at daycare a certain amount of hours or else I will loose it. I wish I could pick him up right away but that's just not possible cause my schedule varies so much I need the 50 hours a work they also offered if I pick him up at 5 they would write down 530 which I don't agree with
Plenty of people take advantage of state help and I refuse to be one of those people!

[Thriftylady]

Well if what you are saying is true why are you still there? If my child was having major issues while in care my child wouldn't be there. The single mom card doesn't work you have to put your child first. Either the care is good or it isn't it can't be both.