Daycare Family Generosity and My Discomfort

[taylorw1210]

Hi, OP here: DCM and I had a very emotional visit. Her daughter is still in the psychiatric ward but will be released sometime this week, and then will need to go to another facility. Right now they're trying to determine whether she will need continued in-patient or outpatient service. DCM is a wreck, and my heart goes out to her. Basically, I just held her hand and let her talk and we both cried. She's distraught because she picked up no clues that her daughter was having such problems, and is beating herself up over it. I will try to do whatever I can to support her.
I thanked her, of course, for her very generous gift and told her that while I appreciated it very much, it certainly wasn't expected or necessary. It turns out there was more to the story. First, she said that the money was worth it because she didn't have to worry a second about her little girl's well-being and that she could just concentrate on her oldest daughter, and that made me feel really good. But this is the part that surprised me: Last month my father died unexpectedly in his sleep, and of course I've been devastated. He was 65. I had to close up my daycare for an entire week because my whole family is several states away. I managed to coordinate care for families who didn't have backup but she overheard another DCM still be rude to me about taking time off. So the generous DCM said she wanted to do something personal for me at the time, but didn't want to be inappropriate. So she used the opportunity of my watching her daughter to give me something extra, with the hope that I would use some of the money for a spa day or something to make me feel good. So I understand better now, and I am even more grateful for her thoughtfulness and kindness. I've had such a rocky time with some of my daycare parents this year, and am very thankful for her.

What an incredible woman she is, and same goes for you! lovethis

[taylorw1210]

Josie, I was going on and on so I didn't want to bore everybody with this, but it was striking to me, too, when I was talking to her how little I knew about her. I can't say it's that way with all my families, but she's reserved and really, so am I. But I feel as though I made a friend, which as well know is kinda dangerous in our line of work... I had no idea she overheard that other DCM being mean to me. I was going to start a thread about that mom after I returned to work, but every time I started to post I got upset and stopped writing. Honestly, it's not a good situation because I have to steel myself when she walks in the door and put on a really fake smile. Her kid is sweet, but I am really ready to terminate her because of that rudeness. She didn't even let me finish telling her that I had already arranged backup for her before she let out her heavy sigh and asked me what she was supposed to do with her child while I was at the funeral. I need to let it go but it's hard and I'd love to know if anybody has ever terminated care because of rudeness about something that cannot be helped.

That is so awful of that dcp. My grandmother passed away earlier this month and I closed for 2 days o host out of state family and attend funeral services. Not one of my families even blinked at my having to close. I cannot imagine how that dcp made you feel. I am so sorry.

[Blackcat31]

Odd man out but I would not have kept the money.

The mom asked a favor from you (taking her younger child while she had a family emergency).

You agreed to do this out of the kindness of your heart. lovethis

I know the parents gave the money to you as a way to thank you for doing that and I too would have been deeply touched by their generosity but I still just couldn't have and wouldn't have kept it.

I would have thanked the parents for offering and for feeling as though I deserved some sort of compensation but in the end, I simply couldn't have accepted.

You are lucky to have such a caring family and they are lucky to have such a caring provider.

[Unregistered]

Odd man out but I would not have kept the money.

The mom asked a favor from you (taking her younger child while she had a family emergency).

You agreed to do this out of the kindness of your heart. lovethis

I know the parents gave the money to you as a way to thank you for doing that and I too would have been deeply touched by their generosity but I still just couldn't have and wouldn't have kept it.

I would have thanked the parents for offering and for feeling as though I deserved some sort of compensation but in the end, I simply couldn't have accepted.

You are lucky to have such a caring family and they are lucky to have such a caring provider.

I know what you are saying, BC. This was my initial gut reaction, and now I feel like
crying all over again (I am not usually this emotional ... it's just been a tough month, and I
need to get a grip). But I do want to thank you, and everybody for your very, very kind words. They've meant a lot.

[Josiegirl]

This is one of those situations that can easily be seen from one side or the other. It's a lot of money so one doesn't feel right about accepting it. OTOH they desperately needed someone and wanted to compensate for that and gave you something that a thank you just couldn't touch as well.

Have you ever given something that someone didn't accept? I've done things for and given things to my sister in the past and for some reason she cannot just say thank you and accept it. She always refuses to take it or feels she has to give something in return. The amount wasn't the same as what your dcps did for you but if they hadn't been able to financially, I'm sure they wouldn't have.

[nannyde]

I would keep the money and use it to replace the tuition I would not be getting from rude DCM after I termed her.

She would be GONE.

[Blackcat31]

I know what you are saying, BC. This was my initial gut reaction, and now I feel like
crying all over again (I am not usually this emotional ... it's just been a tough month, and I
need to get a grip). But I do want to thank you, and everybody for your very, very kind words. They've meant a lot.

Oh, I did not mean to make this harder... I am sorry.

I think from my perspective I (personally) am like Josiegirl just said about her sister....I have a hard time accepting things like that. It's not that I would not be thankful or touched....stuff like that just makes me feel unsure/uneasy.

I automatically feel like I would be indebted or would feel like that generosity is hanging over my head all the time. I have a really hard time accepting someone's generosity I suppose but I certainly didn't mean to make this any harder than it is already and I truly understand the emotional aspect of this.

Cash money is weird like that. It's value or worth (I don't mean actual cash value) is different in every situation. I imagine this would be a completely different story if the family had given you something material with the same value. kwim?

I think Josiegirl may also be correct in stating that if the family could not afford to be this generous, they wouldn't have.

Have you ever given something that someone didn't accept? I've done things for and given things to my sister in the past and for some reason she cannot just say thank you and accept it. She always refuses to take it or feels she has to give something in return. The amount wasn't the same as what your dcps did for you but if they hadn't been able to financially, I'm sure they wouldn't have.

You sound like a wonderfully caring and generous person and just the fact that you were willing to step up and help out is evident of that. Perhaps this is God's way of brining some compensation to you for having to deal with the rude mom. Maybe NannyDe is right and the money should be a blessing in disguise because you can term rude mom and not suffer financially for doing so.

Remember, there is no textbook right or wrong thing to do. Only what's right for you and your situation. I am sure this family wants you to be compensated for your kindness. In today's world, that sort of kindness is not commonplace and not something everyone would be so willing to do.

Again, you are a wonderfully thoughtful person and I admire you for your generosity and capacity for caring. lovethis lovethis

[Dilley Beans]

Be sure to consult your tax person on if it all needs to be claimed as taxable. I believe it is. Therefore, decide what you would have been paid for a week's 24/7 care and use the rest, after taxes to do something for the daycare. You still earned it so the government wants it's cut. But there is still plenty of room for a new play kitchen or a summer CSA food program, or whatever you decide to do with the money for the daycare.

[TaylorTots]

Agree - put it toward the daycare and voice to the DCM a thank you.


If you are completely opposed then take what you feel is fair for 7 days of care 24/7 and credit the rest to her account. Let her know that DCG is paid up until X date with the cash she left. If she fights you on it, I'd back down and accept the gift.


Being gracious isn't always easy, but that is what the money was for - not just for the little ones care, but for your graciousness in coming to pick her up and making a big exception to go above and beyond for them when you weren't obligated to in the least.

ETA: She stayed a week in the hospital - she loves her children. She was confident in your care to leave her child with you for a week. That confidence might be worth something $ wise to the parent... and some people express thank you best with money...

[Michael]

She could have used relatives or friends but chose to use her provider. OP was her first choice. She paid her for services and the provider went beyond her normal hours to care for the child.

As a father, I would have offered the same money and not waited for an invoice. Taking the money doesn't make the OP any less a provider or friend.

Keep it business first, what you offer beyond that is your choice and should not be scrutinized.

[mom2many]

She could have used relatives or friends but chose to use her provider. OP was her first choice. She paid her for services and the provider went beyond her normal hours to care for the child.

As a father, I would have offered the same money and not waited for an invoice. Taking the money doesn't make the OP any less a provider or friend.

Keep it business first, what you offer beyond that is your choice and should not be scrutinized.

[TheGoodLife]

She could have used relatives or friends but chose to use her provider. OP was her first choice. She paid her for services and the provider went beyond her normal hours to care for the child.

As a father, I would have offered the same money and not waited for an invoice. Taking the money doesn't make the OP any less a provider or friend.

Keep it business first, what you offer beyond that is your choice and should not be scrutinized.

[Unregistered]

op here

BC - You didn't make it harder. I asked for everyone's opinion, and I truly wanted them - but I honestly never expected to get so many awesome replies. Thank you all. The one thing I know for sure is that Rude DCM is going to be gone after pickup tomorrow (I believe you called it first, Nannyde!), and boy is she going to be surprised. I should have terminated her the day I got back from my dad's funeral, but I just couldn't face anymore drama. But dealing with her lately has been giving me knots in my stomach, and today convinced me it was time for it to end. She "told" me she was dropping off 30 minutes early tomorrow and while I might be a softy in some areas, I do not like parents telling me they want a favor rather than asking. When I told her it wouldn't work for me, I got a silent stare and then an eye roll. So now I am writing her termination letter, and I will be telling her the truth.

[NightOwl]

Send her packing! Good for you! Whether or not you have personal relationships with your dcparents, you deserve their respect and at the very least, their understanding in the case of emergencies or unforeseen events. And she has given you neither.