DCM Freeeaking Out

[rubyecro]

Okay so while I was waiting to be licensed in California I was helping a friend of mine a couple of days a week with her daughter. She is now 3 months old and I finally got my first enrollment. A one month old an 13 month old. I know there is going to be adjustment and I'm confident we will all find our rhythm.
But the first day the new babies were here the mom was completely distraught and stayed forever after pick up asking a million questions and telling me that it's just too much for me and she's really worried.
She's a nurse on demand dcm and she cosleeps so her daughter is very much used to being one on one all day everyday.
Now she just says she has to feel it out but I mean I wouldn't be super bummed if she term but I love the baby but the dcm is a little high maintenance with texts and a million questions ava very specific expectations that are not realistic.

Any advice?

[Play Care]

Take charge, NOW. "DCM, I love caring for Susie, but I'm getting the feeling you don't trust my ability to do so. Perhaps another care situation might be best? Oh, you're happy with my care? In that case, I need you to trust that I can give Susie the best care." And stick to your contract! If mom has an off the wall request, you need to be firm "DCM, I am a GROUP care provider, that is not possible in this setting."

Good Luck!

[nannyde]

I devoted a chapter on this parent in my book.

PASS

Parental Attention Seeking Syndrome

"This parent is one of the most difficult parents to have in a childcare business. To gain attention and privilege they became accustomed to in their new status as "parent", they show a complete lack of boundaries and use their child and their money to prey upon a shy, weak, or desperate provider who does not like conflict."

Not suggesting you are weak or desperate but you are just starting out so that makes you more likely to be tolerant.

"Be cautious about how much interaction you allow now, as this parent will want more and more."

She may want to start breastfeeding onsite to have a reason to stay so be prepared.

[daycare]

First thing first. In CA you can only care for one families children without a license. I would stop acing for more than one families child or your going to be shut down before you open.

I would also run from the mom that co sleeps with her child. You cant AP if you are not attached to your child.

[Shell]

I'm guessing this isn't going to work out. Dcm will either leave because she just isn't comfortable, or you will have a rough go, and ask them to leave. I would keep advertising, and then tell them it's not working out. For now, I agree with pp- let her know you are capable, and can be trusted. That's all you can do!

[hope]

Nannyde is absolutely correct. I have one of these dcms and it wasn't until I read Nan's book that I realized how to proceed with my dcm. Your dcm will have a problem today and you can work together to fix it. You think, great we can move on from this. Wrong....she will have a new problem tomorrow and it will be the end of the world to her. She will have a concern or worry every day and she will guilt you into thinking that you are not good enough. Hopefully you have a contract and handbook. Sit down with her ONE more time and go over it. Have the trust talk as PP advised. Next time she is concerned in regards to your capabilities let her know this is how you run your business and it can no longer be questioned on a daily basis. But please get Nannyde's book. It will open your eyes to this dcm.

[nannyde]

Nannyde is absolutely correct. I have one of these dcms and it wasn't until I read Nan's book that I realized how to proceed with my dcm. Your dcm will have a problem today and you can work together to fix it. You think, great we can move on from this. Wrong....she will have a new problem tomorrow and it will be the end of the world to her. She will have a concern or worry every day and she will guilt you into thinking that you are not good enough. Hopefully you have a contract and handbook. Sit down with her ONE more time and go over it. Have the trust talk as PP advised. Next time she is concerned in regards to your capabilities let her know this is how you run your business and it can no longer be questioned on a daily basis. But please get Nannyde's book. It will open your eyes to this dcm.

You think, great we can move on from this. Wrong....she will have a new problem tomorrow and it will be the end of the world to her.

I wish I would have worded it like that in the book. Do you mind if when we update the text if I add that? Not to poach your concept but I think that is a little more specific than some of my examples. I could add it to the "Daycare Whispers" section? Would you mind?

She will have a concern or worry every day and she will guilt you into thinking that you are not good enough.

This is a great point too but I don't have experience in the idea that they guilt you into thinking YOU are not good enough. Do you mean that they use you are not good enough to keep the conversation on the front burner or to feel they are better at the care of the kid? How do you mean???

If I can figure that out... maybe I should add that too.

The cool thing about digital books is you can alter them once they are out. The buyers Kindle will do an automatic update if the settings are right. I think.

[hope]

You think, great we can move on from this. Wrong....she will have a new problem tomorrow and it will be the end of the world to her.

I wish I would have worded it like that in the book. Do you mind if when we update the text if I add that? Not to poach your concept but I think that is a little more specific than some of my examples. I could add it to the "Daycare Whispers" section? Would you mind?

She will have a concern or worry every day and she will guilt you into thinking that you are not good enough.

This is a great point too but I don't have experience in the idea that they guilt you into thinking YOU are not good enough. Do you mean that they use you are not good enough to keep the conversation on the front burner or to feel they are better at the care of the kid? How do you mean???

If I can figure that out... maybe I should add that too.

The cool thing about digital books is you can alter them once they are out. The buyers Kindle will do an automatic update if the settings are right. I think.

Yes, they use the idea that they do it better and know more than you as a way to keep the concern, worry and conflict ongoing.

Feel free to use any wording. I am flattered!

[nannyde]

Yes, they use the idea that they do it better and know more than you as a way to keep the concern, worry and conflict ongoing.

Feel free to use any wording. I am flattered!

Hope if you want to pm me your name... I will credit you with it. I like to give credit where credit is due.

If you want to stay private... I can just use HOPE from daycare.com

[Laurel]

Okay so while I was waiting to be licensed in California I was helping a friend of mine a couple of days a week with her daughter. She is now 3 months old and I finally got my first enrollment. A one month old an 13 month old. I know there is going to be adjustment and I'm confident we will all find our rhythm.
But the first day the new babies were here the mom was completely distraught and stayed forever after pick up asking a million questions and telling me that it's just too much for me and she's really worried.
She's a nurse on demand dcm and she cosleeps so her daughter is very much used to being one on one all day everyday.
Now she just says she has to feel it out but I mean I wouldn't be super bummed if she term but I love the baby but the dcm is a little high maintenance with texts and a million questions ava very specific expectations that are not realistic.

Any advice?

I think sometimes they think we can't handle more than one because they couldn't. I try to get them to understand that I do this every day and am used to it and have developed ways to make it run smoothly and keep everyone happy. Sometimes I try to say something like "I know it is hard to leave your baby but it will be fine I promise." Big smile.

I'd give it a little time at least. It is only the first day. I tell them it takes a little time for the baby and I to get to know each other.

I remember the first time I took my oldest to my mother-in-law's to watch my son for a few hours. Plus my sister-in-law was there too. So two capable adults who loved my baby for only a few hours. You ought have seen the sheet I had written out with every little thing he liked and how I burped him, best way to get him to sleep and the whole nine yards! It is even embarrassing to tell this story. :: And this was his grandma!!! My mother-in-law was nice but chuckled a bit and said "We know how to take care of babies, he'll be fine." I was kind of embarrassed.

The mom might turn out to be a nightmare but she may just be a nervous Nelly and need some extra reassurance. I'd give it at least a week or two to feel her out. I wouldn't text her right back either. Wait a while and text back at nap time with a cheery short note. Mention something about how well the child did this or that too.

If it keeps going on then you'll have to tell her it won't work out. Sometimes an ultimatum works wonders in itself.

Good luck!

Laurel

[AmyKidsCo]

Good luck. I took care of my niece (my husband's brother's daughter) for about 2 mos. then I enrolled an older infant and my SIL pulled her out - she didn't want me to have 2 babies. Like I'd show preference to another baby over my own niece??

[Blackcat31]

I think sometimes they think we can't handle more than one because they couldn't. I try to get them to understand that I do this every day and am used to it and have developed ways to make it run smoothly and keep everyone happy. Sometimes I try to say something like "I know it is hard to leave your baby but it will be fine I promise." Big smile.

I'd give it a little time at least. It is only the first day. I tell them it takes a little time for the baby and I to get to know each other.

I remember the first time I took my oldest to my mother-in-law's to watch my son for a few hours. Plus my sister-in-law was there too. So two capable adults who loved my baby for only a few hours. You ought have seen the sheet I had written out with every little thing he liked and how I burped him, best way to get him to sleep and the whole nine yards! It is even embarrassing to tell this story. :: And this was his grandma!!! My mother-in-law was nice but chuckled a bit and said "We know how to take care of babies, he'll be fine." I was kind of embarrassed.

The mom might turn out to be a nightmare but she may just be a nervous Nelly and need some extra reassurance. I'd give it at least a week or two to feel her out. I wouldn't text her right back either. Wait a while and text back at nap time with a cheery short note. Mention something about how well the child did this or that too.

If it keeps going on then you'll have to tell her it won't work out. Sometimes an ultimatum works wonders in itself.

Good luck!

Laurel

I've had a few over the last few years where the child cries at drop off and the parent is hesitant to leave as if I can't manage their crying child.

I always try to reassure them I WILL call them if the child doesn't settle in.

When they continue to look worried, I just tell them "Trust me, I don't want to listen to them cry all day anymore than you want them to."

Granted I don't want to listen to it for different reasons than they are concerned about but still the outcome is the same...I CAN manage. If I can't, I WILL call.

I promise.

Most are fine after that but yes, worried parents are sometimes tough....but just need a bit of reassurance and sometimes permission that they don't have to worry.

[rubyecro]

Thank you guys so much for the replies. I really like this forum and hearing from other providers. We will see how this turns out.... her baby only comes for a few hours twice a week so that's difficult in itsElf because it's difficult to establish a routine.

Man this isn't for sissies is it? Lol....I completely see where her heart is, I get it. I'm a mom. But it's just so unrealistic. ....

Well it's good to get this practice under my belt before I get a full load.

[daycare]

Thank you guys so much for the replies. I really like this forum and hearing from other providers. We will see how this turns out.... her baby only comes for a few hours twice a week so that's difficult in itsElf because it's difficult to establish a routine.

Man this isn't for sissies is it? Lol....I completely see where her heart is, I get it. I'm a mom. But it's just so unrealistic. ....

Well it's good to get this practice under my belt before I get a full load.

my previous post must be written in ghost ink, or I really don't understand.


Please be careful that you are not working illegally while waiting to get your license.

[TaylorTots]

Yes, they use the idea that they do it better and know more than you as a way to keep the concern, worry and conflict ongoing.

Feel free to use any wording. I am flattered!

Also when anything isn't going the way the want it to, these parents always have lots of "daycare provider friends" who do it the way this parent wants it done. These parents rephrase everything you say out of context to make the daycare provider feel as though they are failing and need to try harder to meet the unreachable goals the parent has set out - instead of the parent working together with the daycare provider. Any discussion regarding the concept of group care or the contract policies are met with a change of topic -- back to how the daycare provider isn't matching up to other options in the parent's mind.

I've had a few of these. Every single one ended up terminated for disrespect. Most recently, there was a 18m who was biting. I told DCM that I would shadow and if it happened again they would need alterative care. She turned it around "Are you saying you can't control my son's behavior? Are you saying you can't provide adequate care for a child?" And the "yes, exactly" reply you give that parent makes you feel HORRIBLE as they have phrased everything in such a tone and manner that they are blaming you vemently. When the response "Yes, exactly." came from me to this daycare parent, she said very "meanly" -- "Well. That's all I needed to hear."


These are the same parents who once a discussion of termination comes up they yank their child immediately and then complain to follow 2 week term policies. They HAVE to be the best and in control at all times. These parents never stop and never improve in my experience.