FCC - A Lonely Profession

[MarinaVanessa]

I felt a deep urge to come on here and say something. Please bare with me and please excuse me if I ramble or stray into odd directions. I'm having difficulties with finding the right words.

My friend, we will call her Golly because that is what my son calls her, decided to step out and stand on the railroad tracks in my town mid morning on Tuesday. The driver of the train saw her, blew the horn and hit the brakes. Witnesses say they heard the horn and saw Golly cross her arms across her chest and then look up towards the sky. The train didn't have enough time to stop.

There are many of us that are angry at her and sad. We feel guilty for not doing enough for her, wondering what more we could have done for her and confused as to what exactly she was going through that could have made her feel that intentionally taking her own life was her only way out. She had some health issues, some stress at home I'm sure (what marriage doesn't) and there were other things going on that worried us but we had no idea she would ever harm herself.

She wasn't acting herself, didn't smile as much, shut her daycare down with no notice, withdrew from us and quit the child care association (she was our president), wouldn't answer her phone, wouldn't return texts or emails. We had to pressure her to let us come over. She lost a lot of weight quickly and was always tired.

The only reason that I bring this up is because I worry about family child care providers that don't get out of their homes, that feel lonely, that get down on themselves and feel alone. I hope that if anyone someone knows someone else like that that they could recognize the signs and help. I hope that if anyone here ever feels like that that you would reach out and ask for help and accept help if it is offered. Sometimes we get caught up in our own lives that we forget that there are people all around us that care for us that are left reeling if something ever happened to us.

So I ask of everyone here to please just listen and observe and if someone you know isn't acting like themselves, please intervene. And if you feel lonely, unloved, trapped or broken please share that with someone ... anyone. My door is always open.

Thank you for listening.

[spinnymarie]

:hug: I'm so sorry.

[Shell]

:hug: incredibly kind of you to think of others during this time.

[MOM OF 4]

I felt a deep urge to come on here and say something. Please bare with me and please excuse me if I ramble or stray into odd directions. I'm having difficulties with finding the right words.

My friend, we will call her Golly because that is what my son calls her, decided to step out and stand on the railroad tracks in my town mid morning on Tuesday. The driver of the train saw her, blew the horn and hit the brakes. Witnesses say they heard the horn and saw Golly cross her arms across her chest and then look up towards the sky. The train didn't have enough time to stop.

There are many of us that are angry at her and sad. We feel guilty for not doing enough for her, wondering what more we could have done for her and confused as to what exactly she was going through that could have made her feel that intentionally taking her own life was her only way out. She had some health issues, some stress at home I'm sure (what marriage doesn't) and there were other things going on that worried us but we had no idea she would ever harm herself.

She wasn't acting herself, didn't smile as much, shut her daycare down with no notice, withdrew from us and quit the child care association (she was our president), wouldn't answer her phone, wouldn't return texts or emails. We had to pressure her to let us come over. She lost a lot of weight quickly and was always tired.

The only reason that I bring this up is because I worry about family child care providers that don't get out of their homes, that feel lonely, that get down on themselves and feel alone. I hope that if anyone someone knows someone else like that that they could recognize the signs and help. I hope that if anyone here ever feels like that that you would reach out and ask for help and accept help if it is offered. Sometimes we get caught up in our own lives that we forget that there are people all around us that care for us that are left reeling if something ever happened to us.

So I ask of everyone here to please just listen and observe and if someone you know isn't acting like themselves, please intervene. And if you feel lonely, unloved, trapped or broken please share that with someone ... anyone. My door is always open.

Thank you for listening.

Oh dear, that is so incredibly sad. I am VERY sorry for you all's loss.

[sharlan]

MV, my thoughts and prayers go out to you. This is an experience that I have never had and constantly pray that I never do.

[rosieteddy]

I am so sorry for your loss.It is very hard to see when someone is ready to take their life. I have a family member who struggles with depression.The thought is often with him.He is seeing proffessionals and on medication that has helped immensely.I worry about him all the time.I have on many occasions told him how much he would be missed and also all that he would miss if he wasn't here. I really do not know if that is the right thing or not but I do it.Not constantly but when I think he needs to hear it. On your other point this is a lonely job.Parents are not really equal and we usually do not socialize after hours.I find it tough after a day of children to have the energy (I am 60)to get out evenings.What saves my sanity is I have a provider friend we walk together with the kids each day then let them play.She is a sounding board and I am hers.We have been friends since 2000. I know I would have retired by now with out this friendship.Stay strong and again sorry.

[Meeko]

So sorry MV.... and also thank you for the words of wisdom.

I am lucky to live in a community where everyone knows everyone else. Almost everyone belongs to the LDS church here and we tend to live in each pockets like family. I love it very much.

But I have often wondered how it would be if I had nobody to turn to. Nowadays I have my family helping me and so have people to laugh and talk with and vent etc. I used to do daycare by myself when my husband was in the Air Force, but again, I kind of had "family" with squadron wives and my church congregation checking on me constantly to make sure I was OK.

I can honestly say I don't know how I would of coped without a listening ear.

One of our providers in the local area has started a group for providers...just casual...a chance to get together and chat. I have not been to one of the meetings yet as I felt I didn't need to.

Your post made me think. I am going to go to the next one. Not so much for me.....but for someone else who may just need someone to say hello.

[sugar buzz]

I'm so sorry that you are experiencing this. My family just went through something similar, so I understand the confusion amongst the grief. That was so beautifully written.lovethis

[midaycare]

:hug: I am so very sorry. This can be an isolating profession if you don't make it a priority to get out and do other things.

[Blackcat31]

Tough situation. I've experienced suicide pretty closely in my circle of friends and family sadly several times.

Hindsight IS 20/20. Coping with the fallout afterwards is awful.

Thank you for posting this.

Your message is wonderful and hopefully something that promotes others to reach out and those needing it to accept.

:hug: :hug: :hug:

I felt a deep urge to come on here and say something. Please bare with me and please excuse me if I ramble or stray into odd directions. I'm having difficulties with finding the right words.

My friend, we will call her Golly because that is what my son calls her, decided to step out and stand on the railroad tracks in my town mid morning on Tuesday. The driver of the train saw her, blew the horn and hit the brakes. Witnesses say they heard the horn and saw Golly cross her arms across her chest and then look up towards the sky. The train didn't have enough time to stop.

There are many of us that are angry at her and sad. We feel guilty for not doing enough for her, wondering what more we could have done for her and confused as to what exactly she was going through that could have made her feel that intentionally taking her own life was her only way out. She had some health issues, some stress at home I'm sure (what marriage doesn't) and there were other things going on that worried us but we had no idea she would ever harm herself.

She wasn't acting herself, didn't smile as much, shut her daycare down with no notice, withdrew from us and quit the child care association (she was our president), wouldn't answer her phone, wouldn't return texts or emails. We had to pressure her to let us come over. She lost a lot of weight quickly and was always tired.

The only reason that I bring this up is because I worry about family child care providers that don't get out of their homes, that feel lonely, that get down on themselves and feel alone. I hope that if anyone someone knows someone else like that that they could recognize the signs and help. I hope that if anyone here ever feels like that that you would reach out and ask for help and accept help if it is offered. Sometimes we get caught up in our own lives that we forget that there are people all around us that care for us that are left reeling if something ever happened to us.

So I ask of everyone here to please just listen and observe and if someone you know isn't acting like themselves, please intervene. And if you feel lonely, unloved, trapped or broken please share that with someone ... anyone. My door is always open.

Thank you for listening.

[MarinaVanessa]

Your post made me think. I am going to go to the next one. Not so much for me.....but for someone else who may just need someone to say hello.

This is wonderful Meeko, thank you for that.

And thank you everyone else. I'm okay, and then I'm not. I'll get through it, I just miss her.

She helped a lot of providers and touched a lot of children's lives. I was contacted by our local R&R this morning because they heard the news. She is such an icon in the child care community that they asked if there was something that they could do. All I could think of was to ask if they would be willing to host a forum for everyone that knew her. They graciously accepted and will be providing a grief counselor which is amazing. There is nothing else that I can do for her now except keep my promise to continue on with the child care association which offers support to FCC providers.

In hindsight I think she was preparing herself for that day. The day she handed the reigns of the association over to me a few weeks ago she said "Whatever you do, don't close the association down. Promise me." And last week when I visited her home for a "field trip" with my daycare kids and my own kids I said (in reference to her closing her daycare down) "Golly we're all going to really miss coming over to your house. Fredo (my son, 3yo) is especially going to miss you" and she got emotional and just said "Oh, please don't tell me that" and walked away. Hindsight is 20/20 right?

[Unregistered]

This made me cry.

[daycare]

tears here too.

thanks MV I am blessed with a very loving staff that keeps me going. However, I do have a friend who also does childcare and she does not. She calls me often and talks my ear off for 2-4 hours at a time I can never get her off the phone. But I always listen, because she is new and she is stressed out, lonely and she says I am the only person that understands.

I am so so sorry for your loss and the pain you all have to go through. When things like this happen I feel there is always a message being sent to us and I think you got the message loud and clear that we all need to be here for each other and know that we have support.


You truly have a hear of gold:hug:

[e.j.]

So sad. I'm sorry for your loss.

[permanentvacation]

I'm so sorry to hear that about your friend. It's so sad when someone really can't think of another option other then ending their own life. Often times others have no idea that someone feels as bad as they do. Many people who are truly depressed keep it inside and then just can't take it anymore and all the sudden take their own life. I'm sure you nor anyone else had any idea how badly she felt. I'm so sorry she wasn't able to find another solution to whatever was bothering her.

I often feel the same way. But no one would know it. I bull****, chit-chat, and make jokes when I am with other people like at church or when I run into someone I know at a store or even just with a random cashier. But then when I'm alone, it could be 10 minutes after leaving the church and making jokes with them, when I get home, I could be immediately depressed and have suicidal thoughts. I am lonely - way too much and way too often. I have been hurt by people I trusted and didn't help ones that I love when I should have.

My father was a great dad, but when I was 9 years old, he started driving an 18 wheeler across the U.S. It was the only job he could get to make the money our family needed him to make. He would be gone for 3 weeks, home for a day or two, then gone for another 3 weeks. It was just me and my mom at home and she was older and weakly/sickly. So I basically became the "man of the house" when I was 9 years old. I was raped by two boys when I was about 10 years old. I was molested by a grown man, the neighborhood man that helped all of us kids work on our dirt bikes when I was 10/11 years old. He made me feel like I had to allow the molestation to continue whenever he wanted by letting me know that he knew it was just my mom and me at the house. So I felt like I had to protect her by letting him mess with me and keeping my mouth shut. I never told anyone about either of those things happening until I was married. Then my husband was physicaly, emotionally, and verbally abusive to me and verbally threatened my younger daughter. I stayed with him because I was a Christian. I actually read the Bible twice cover to cover looking for a loop hole and permission from God to divorce him. I thought I was doing the right thing trying to keep the family together so the kids could see their dad and live a 'normal' family life. I did finally divorce him, but by that time, his abuse had definitely effected my daughters for the rest of their lives (mentally). I didn't think of the negative long term affect, I was just trying to keep the family together and kept trying to get him to be nice. Now that I am divorced, I am unbelievably broke and constantly have problems for lack of money. My sisters and I recently put the pieces together and believe that my father's girlfriend and neighbor killed my father. My mother died of asbestos cancer years ago. My father sued the asbestos company and got ALOT of money. I love my dad, but he wasn't the brightest; didn't understand finances much, and would (not quite bragging) but more like happy go lucky and announce that he has as much money as he needs and could go on any vacation he wanted, could buy any house he wanted. I think he was just happy to have the money to enjoy life however he wanted. So he basically ran his mouth about having all that money. So he met this lady, dated, and they moved in together. Next thing you know, their neighbor moved many states away and then they (my dad and his girlfriend) moved way far away to live next to that neighbor. I told my dad that if he moved that far away, I would never see him again. I have seen him once since then. It's been about 16 years! Later in his life, he would call me and beg me to come get him, tell me that the neighbor is trying to kill him, beg me to come see him, etc. The girlfriend would get on the phone and tell me that everything is fine, it's just his Alzheimer's acting up. I would believe her and tell him I can't come see him - work, single mother with my daughter in school, I have no one to take care of my dog, and then I would tell him that no one is trying to kill him, it's just his imagination. Well, after he died, my sister and I were discussing things and comparing notes. We now do believe that my dad's girlfriend and his neighbor killed him. And I never went to check on him when he told me his neighbor was trying to kill him... What kind of daughter doesn't check on their father when he tells you someone is trying to kill him!?!?!???

This past school year, my daughter started getting picked on in school again and I finally got her to talk to the school counselor. One day, when I was in the counselor's office with them, I asked if she would see me as a patient outside of the school. She said she would. And for the first time in my life, I am talking to a counselor about all of this that has happened to me since I was 9 years old. It really is helping me ALOT. My suicidal thoughts have almost stopped. I might have one suicidal thought maybe once a month now rather than having them a handful of times in a day every other day or so. I have completely stopped 'hearing my ex in my head' like I used to. Whenever I caught myself doing anything wrong like trying to put the car key in the house door lock or any little stupid thing, I used to hear (in my head) my ex cuss me out, call me names, and tell me I should kill myself because I was so stupid. I don't hear that anymore. There's a lot that my counselor has helped me through. I wish I had a counselor all my life!

Before I talked to my counselor, I had suicidal thoughts way too often. My ex used to yell at me that I should just kill myself whenever I would cry - even when I cried about my mom dying. So I think he put it in my head that when you are upset, you should kill yourself. However, I have never tried to do anything to myself and don't believe that I will because of my Christian beliefs (we were all put on this earth for a reason, if I kill myself, I will go to Hell, etc. ), I really want to see my children grow up and see them through the stages of adulthood, I love my dog, I know that I don't really want to die, I am just not happy with my life right now, etc. SO, I really don't think I will ever try to do anything to hurt myself, but I do have visuals of hurting myself.

Even though my counselor is helping me, because I work at home all day, have no friends, my oldest daughter lives an hour away, and my younger daughter doesn't really hang with me much - typical teenager sits in her room, talks with her boyfriend, etc. She does hang with me some, but basically for the majority of my day and night, I am alone so I am still very lonely. But I'm not suicidal about it anymore. I have joined a gym, go to church more, and make a point to talk to the neighbors even though I really have nothing to say just so I get out around people more. Also, that's why I ramble on on this forum so much. I know it's not real in person communication, but it is communication and helps.