FCC - A Lonely Profession

[permanentvacation]

I also went to Celebrate Recovery at my church for a while. I thought that was only for Alcoholics and drug addicts. But it is for anything that upsets you or that you are trying to get over. If you feel that you need someone to talk to and shoulders to lean on right now, something like that might help you. Or any group or individual counseling, or just getting together with friends that you can talk all this through with.

[Sugar Magnolia]

Marina, I'm so sorry for your loss and wish peace and healing for Golly's friends and family. Thank you for this important and thoughtful post. It really brings to light the problems of depression and hopelessness, in this profession and life in general. My son lost a friend to suicide, and its those left behind that carry the burden. Hugs to you for caring :hug:

[NightOwl]

Oh MV, my heart bleeds for you and everyone affected by this. I've come to have great respect for you after reading your posts on the forum and I want you to know that you may call me at any time day or night. I'll pm my number if you ever decide you want to call.

[Naptime yet?]

:hughug:

I struggle with the fact that tragedy brings us closer, when we should be closer to begin with. I find myself becoming resentful because family & friends keep in touch through social media (which I am not a part of). I always said I'm not afraid of being alone, but I am afraid of loneliness.

I feel a tangent coming on, so I'll stop. I'm sorry for your loss.

[Heidi]

I'm so sorry! :hug:

I am grateful that my sister is a fellow dcp, and we can commiserate, and I'm grateful I can come here!

[sahm1225]

I'm so sorry to hear that about your friend. It's so sad when someone really can't think of another option other then ending their own life. Often times others have no idea that someone feels as bad as they do. Many people who are truly depressed keep it inside and then just can't take it anymore and all the sudden take their own life. I'm sure you nor anyone else had any idea how badly she felt. I'm so sorry she wasn't able to find another solution to whatever was bothering her.

I often feel the same way. But no one would know it. I bull****, chit-chat, and make jokes when I am with other people like at church or when I run into someone I know at a store or even just with a random cashier. But then when I'm alone, it could be 10 minutes after leaving the church and making jokes with them, when I get home, I could be immediately depressed and have suicidal thoughts. I am lonely - way too much and way too often. I have been hurt by people I trusted and didn't help ones that I love when I should have.

My father was a great dad, but when I was 9 years old, he started driving an 18 wheeler across the U.S. It was the only job he could get to make the money our family needed him to make. He would be gone for 3 weeks, home for a day or two, then gone for another 3 weeks. It was just me and my mom at home and she was older and weakly/sickly. So I basically became the "man of the house" when I was 9 years old. I was raped by two boys when I was about 10 years old. I was molested by a grown man, the neighborhood man that helped all of us kids work on our dirt bikes when I was 10/11 years old. He made me feel like I had to allow the molestation to continue whenever he wanted by letting me know that he knew it was just my mom and me at the house. So I felt like I had to protect her by letting him mess with me and keeping my mouth shut. I never told anyone about either of those things happening until I was married. Then my husband was physicaly, emotionally, and verbally abusive to me and verbally threatened my younger daughter. I stayed with him because I was a Christian. I actually read the Bible twice cover to cover looking for a loop hole and permission from God to divorce him. I thought I was doing the right thing trying to keep the family together so the kids could see their dad and live a 'normal' family life. I did finally divorce him, but by that time, his abuse had definitely effected my daughters for the rest of their lives (mentally). I didn't think of the negative long term affect, I was just trying to keep the family together and kept trying to get him to be nice. Now that I am divorced, I am unbelievably broke and constantly have problems for lack of money. My sisters and I recently put the pieces together and believe that my father's girlfriend and neighbor killed my father. My mother died of asbestos cancer years ago. My father sued the asbestos company and got ALOT of money. I love my dad, but he wasn't the brightest; didn't understand finances much, and would (not quite bragging) but more like happy go lucky and announce that he has as much money as he needs and could go on any vacation he wanted, could buy any house he wanted. I think he was just happy to have the money to enjoy life however he wanted. So he basically ran his mouth about having all that money. So he met this lady, dated, and they moved in together. Next thing you know, their neighbor moved many states away and then they (my dad and his girlfriend) moved way far away to live next to that neighbor. I told my dad that if he moved that far away, I would never see him again. I have seen him once since then. It's been about 16 years! Later in his life, he would call me and beg me to come get him, tell me that the neighbor is trying to kill him, beg me to come see him, etc. The girlfriend would get on the phone and tell me that everything is fine, it's just his Alzheimer's acting up. I would believe her and tell him I can't come see him - work, single mother with my daughter in school, I have no one to take care of my dog, and then I would tell him that no one is trying to kill him, it's just his imagination. Well, after he died, my sister and I were discussing things and comparing notes. We now do believe that my dad's girlfriend and his neighbor killed him. And I never went to check on him when he told me his neighbor was trying to kill him... What kind of daughter doesn't check on their father when he tells you someone is trying to kill him!?!?!???

This past school year, my daughter started getting picked on in school again and I finally got her to talk to the school counselor. One day, when I was in the counselor's office with them, I asked if she would see me as a patient outside of the school. She said she would. And for the first time in my life, I am talking to a counselor about all of this that has happened to me since I was 9 years old. It really is helping me ALOT. My suicidal thoughts have almost stopped. I might have one suicidal thought maybe once a month now rather than having them a handful of times in a day every other day or so. I have completely stopped 'hearing my ex in my head' like I used to. Whenever I caught myself doing anything wrong like trying to put the car key in the house door lock or any little stupid thing, I used to hear (in my head) my ex cuss me out, call me names, and tell me I should kill myself because I was so stupid. I don't hear that anymore. There's a lot that my counselor has helped me through. I wish I had a counselor all my life!

Before I talked to my counselor, I had suicidal thoughts way too often. My ex used to yell at me that I should just kill myself whenever I would cry - even when I cried about my mom dying. So I think he put it in my head that when you are upset, you should kill yourself. However, I have never tried to do anything to myself and don't believe that I will because of my Christian beliefs (we were all put on this earth for a reason, if I kill myself, I will go to Hell, etc. ), I really want to see my children grow up and see them through the stages of adulthood, I love my dog, I know that I don't really want to die, I am just not happy with my life right now, etc. SO, I really don't think I will ever try to do anything to hurt myself, but I do have visuals of hurting myself.

Even though my counselor is helping me, because I work at home all day, have no friends, my oldest daughter lives an hour away, and my younger daughter doesn't really hang with me much - typical teenager sits in her room, talks with her boyfriend, etc. She does hang with me some, but basically for the majority of my day and night, I am alone so I am still very lonely. But I'm not suicidal about it anymore. I have joined a gym, go to church more, and make a point to talk to the neighbors even though I really have nothing to say just so I get out around people more. Also, that's why I ramble on on this forum so much. I know it's not real in person communication, but it is communication and helps.

I just want to give you a hug. :hug:

[CraftyMom]

MV I am so sorry for your loss!

Permanent Vacation I don't know what to say! I am very glad you are talking to a councilor. It's so beneficial to get out and talk to people. You can always talk here!

[sahm1225]

Mv I'm sorry for your loss.
It is a lonely job. I have assistants but it's still lonely. I was just telling my husband that I miss having friends.

[lynne]

MV, I am so sorry...I just don't have the words.... Sweetie, I've been there, tried to end it and I'm alive now because of my best friend. She is my rock! I also found out that I have bipolar disorder. It's controlled by meds but I'm so much more happy and settled than I have been for years. I'm sorry that your friend couldn't find a way out. Prayers for you..

[MarinaVanessa]

I know it's not real in person communication, but it is communication and helps.

I think that's why I posted here. I have plenty of people to talk to however the majority of them knew her and are also grieving and seeing them in pain is difficult. Here I don't have to worry about it. I think I've said it before, this forum for me was my first outlet, I followed advice from someone here that encouraged me to find an R&R that held workshops so that I could meet other providers and I did. The first day that I attended a workshop I met Golly. She immediately welcomed me and invited me to join the association lovethis

And thank you permanentvacation for sharing your story. You are a strong woman. I hope if someone here ever feels dangerously down on themselves that they'll remember you and think about all that you have gone through and how you overcame everything. Thanks again ladies. I love you all and this forum. And thank you Michael for providing us with this place to connect lovethislovethislovethislovethislovethis

[Play Care]

I am so sorry.

[Josiegirl]

Oh that is so sad. When a person is intent on suicide, I believe they're going to accomplish it no matter what. I'm not downplaying the role that friends, family, therapists, medications, etc., all have on a person's emotions and whether or not they carry through with suicide threats(or feelings) but I also believe none of that would have an affect on certain suicidal people. Depression can be a hole you simply cannot climb out of no matter what and people just want to feel no more pain.

MV, I'm so sorry about your friend and her family, what they have to live with for the rest of their lives. So sorry for your loss.

And PermanentVacation, your personal history sounds like a living hell. I'm glad you're overcoming it all and do see a brighter light on the other side!

Thank you both for sharing the stories.

[melilley]

I'm so sorry for your loss mv. I'm glad that you came here to talk about it, having an outlet helps.
My best friend committed suicide two years ago-I hadn't actually seen her in a while, but she was the type of friend where we could pick up no matter how much time goes by without seeing each other. At first I thought, well, that's what she wanted, but now I have a different perspective. There is help out there. I'm bf's with her sister too and I call her mom my aunt and it breaks my heart to see how much pain they are in, still, two years later.

MV, I'm glad you put it out there that this forum really is a place to come to to talk about things besides daycare! We may not all always get along or agree with each other, but we move past it, that's life. I have my sis to talk to, and believe me I talk her eat off, but it's nice to have other people to talk to too.

Permanentvacation, I'm sorry you had to endure all of that, no one should have to. I'm glad that you found support to get through everything. We will never forget things that happen to us, but can try to put it behind us and live happy lives!

[racemom]

My heart goes out to you and everyone dealing with depression. I struggled with it and general anxiety disorder, panic attacks, etc. For several years and that is one of the reasons I could never do home daycare as you wonderful ladies do. I got to the point I couldn't leave home and I know if I didn't go to work each day I will easily slip back into that regardless of the meds I am currently taking. Permanent vacation I am so sorry to hear your story and am glad you are working through these issues. People do not realize how words can become our reality so easily. Please remember your existing hurtful words are not you truth, shut them out!

[daycarediva]

This hits entirely too close to home. I've been sitting here in tears for the last few minutes.

My thoughts are with you Marina. This was a beautiful sentiment to your friend.