Would You Call This... Flirting?

[Logged out for privacy]

I logged out for this one because of how embarrassing it is. I started a family of 2 recently and wanted to get some advice regarding dad. I want to think I am over-reacting and that this is totally nothing, but I'd still like to know what you ladies think or would feel in my situation. I also have to say it has not been anything extreme, just very subtle things that caught my attention. First incident was calling me honey. Very casually. "Hey, where's the trash can, honey?" Okay, I let that slide. Whatever (though hubby was very upset by this when I told him) However, part 2 of incident is this: Upon getting off of work early, he went home to shave his face before picking up the kids and made a point to explain to me that he did that. Apparently they live ten minutes from me, and last time I checked, people can shave when they have their kids in their home. Why did he go through the trouble to go home, shave, and THEN come pick up the kids? No, they weren't going anywhere that day. So whats's up with that? Next day weird thing wasn't by him, but from dcg3 when I was putting her shoes on in my play room while dcd is in living room putting on shoes for dcg5. She said in her silly voice, "My daddy likes you!" I blew it off and said "oh how sweet babygirl! Do you like Miss _____ too?" "Yes!" "That's great, because Miss. ____ takes very good care of you and she likes you too!"

Lets, see... also standing too close for comfort. I try to back away but somehow he keeps ending up getting close to me while talking during pick up and drop offs, even though they are relatively short. Not like in my face kinda close, but just... close. I know what too close to another man feels like. And he's that kind of close.

I would really, really like to hear about any incidents that have happened to others regarding any weird 'possible' flirting, or full blown sexual harassment. Just out of curiosity, and for readings sake. What do you guys do, especially in a situation where it's not like super obvious that that's what he's doing? Also, am I over-reacting, or do you think he's actually being weird? Thanks everyone for any input.

P.S. he's married too!

[Unregistered]

I can't tell you HOW to deal with it, but I do suggest you find a way. It may be termination.
It was some years back that I had a DCD like this. He started hanging around with his child after everyone else was gone. And that is when the more blatant language began.
"You look like an angel to me" "My wife would never know" etc.
Then DCB started saying that he and his dad would look in my windows at night. Now they would not have seen anything because the only windows they could look into were my DC area, not my home area. But still.
I ended up telling a few other DCPs about it. This was before we had so much confidentiality concern. So those DCPs would hang around until he left.
Finally the DCB aged out. I ran into the wife a few years later and she said they had divorced. I don't have to wonder why.
I say do SOMETHING.

[preschoolteacher]

Yeah, that sounds creepy and inappropriate to me.

I'd be busy making breakfast at drop off - - "hi, DCG, come sit here, we are making breakfast. Oh Bobby, do you need another cup of water? Sally, you dropped your fork!" Non stop talking to the kids, as occupied as you can be, until the door shuts and he's gone. Same at pick up.

Do parents enter your daycare space? Does he will all the way in? Linger? If he can't get near you or get your attention to talk to you, he won't be able to continue his behavior. Like with a child, modify the environment and ignore, ignore. Any more comments like "I went home and shaved" would fall on deaf ears.

I'd email all communication (and copy the mom), send home written communication only, basically not ever talk on the phone to or text him.

If it doesn't improve, I'd be blunt once "your comments make me uncomfortable. We need to interact professionally if your daughter is to continue here" and anything other than an embarrassed apology from a clueless guy would make me term.

[AmyKidsCo]

If you're not comfortable then there's a problem - listen to your gut.

What to do about it is the hard thing. Is there any way to find out if he's like this all the time, or just with you?

Some people are "over sharers" and have no sense of personal space, or their personal space is smaller than others. (Mine is larger, I don't like people close to me at all) So it all may be innocent from his point of view.

ITA about being busy when he's there - even better if you can get a table or something between you and him. Also definitely don't have ANY communication just between you and him - include Mom and make sure there's children besides just his around when he's there.

[debbiedoeszip]

I'd be super-formal with him, and if he gets in your personal space then I'd bluntly tell him to step back/away from you. I'd also have the cops (911?) on speed dial and a cell phone in my hand whenever he's doing pick up or drop off.

[Second Home]

I call it creepy .

[spud912]

Maybe you can place something between you and him to prevent the close contact (like a child or holding a large toy, etc.)?

[Heidi]

"Hey, dcd, I may be bonkers, but I'm getting a flirting vibe from you. If I'm not wrong, I need you to know that while I'm flattered, I also VERY married".

If he says "ah, what?" you can say "ok, so I read you wrong. Embarrassing, but whew! I love having dcg here, but I can't let things get weird, ya know?"

If he says "oh, sorry", you can say "yeah, like I said, I'm flattered, but I love having dcg here, and I can't let things get weird, ya know?"

If he says "Hey baby, common". You can say "common nothing, either cool your jets or I'm going to have to terminate. My dh is pretty jealous, and I wouldn't do anything to risk our marriage!"

I say, confront him. You gotta look him in the eye and say "STOP", it's not an "ignore it and it'll go away" kind of thing.

[Blackcat31]

If you're not comfortable then there's a problem - listen to your gut.

What to do about it is the hard thing. Is there any way to find out if he's like this all the time, or just with you?

Some people are "over sharers" and have no sense of personal space, or their personal space is smaller than others. (Mine is larger, I don't like people close to me at all) So it all may be innocent from his point of view.

ITA about being busy when he's there - even better if you can get a table or something between you and him. Also definitely don't have ANY communication just between you and him - include Mom and make sure there's children besides just his around when he's there.

I agree about some people just being "over sharers"...I have several DCP's like that.

I have a barrier between myself and where parents stand. I appreciate that because there has been a few times in which I felt uneasy for some reason.

My DH spends alot of time here and if I let him know I am uncomfortable about interacting with a certain parent, he will usually make his presence known for several days/weeks while that parent does picking up or dropping off.

I also agree with the suggestion that if necessary you may just need to outright tell him that you are a professional and don't like some of the things he is saying/doing. If he doesn't get it....say something to his wife.

Ask her if he calls all women "Hun" (that would seriously annoy me) or if he shaves for everyone......his wife knowing should make him uncomfortable.

[hope]

I can't stand awkwardness or confrontation so I usually go with asking "what do you mean?" Over and over again. I make it clear that I understand what they said but can't understand why they would say it. For example:
Dcd: I went home to shave before I came here.
Me: what do you mean?
Dcd: I shaved before coming here.
Me: I understand and can see that you shaved but what do you mean?
It gets my point across. Stop with the innuendo and just say what you mean. Then I can tell them where to go with it. Lol!

[Chellieleanne]

I just want to say I have a very good male friend that calls me Hun. DH approves of said male and is the only guy he let's me go out with alone ! Not that I ever go out :: My friend was born and raised on the west coast but is very southern in his manners.

The DCD to my DcB, I hardly see him but he is the same way in regards to how he addresses me.

That being said, the too close for comfort issue is what would get to me. I would find a way to create distance during drop off/pick up. If that doesn't help the. Either address the situation with DCM ( he may just be friendly and not realize he is doing it) or tell DCD that while you appreciate his friendliness you do have your personal space and do not like being so close to people as a general rule. Though maybe a bit more eloquently than I just stated. If it doesn't help then term. No reason to keep putting yourself in an uncomfortable situation.

[Play Care]

I can't stand awkwardness or confrontation so I usually go with asking "what do you mean?" Over and over again. I make it clear that I understand what they said but can't understand why they would say it. For example:
Dcd: I went home to shave before I came here.
Me: what do you mean?
Dcd: I shaved before coming here.
Me: I understand and can see that you shaved but what do you mean?
It gets my point across. Stop with the innuendo and just say what you mean. Then I can tell them where to go with it. Lol!

I like that! Or even, "why are you telling me that?" with a :confused: look...

It's so hard to be assertive when someone is doing something subtly - you can't really address it without looking foolish. But using the "what do you mean?" or "why are you telling me that?" may force their hand. Once they cross the boundary of subtle, you can go in for the kill::

[My3cents]

I logged out for this one because of how embarrassing it is. I started a family of 2 recently and wanted to get some advice regarding dad. I want to think I am over-reacting and that this is totally nothing, but I'd still like to know what you ladies think or would feel in my situation. I also have to say it has not been anything extreme, just very subtle things that caught my attention. First incident was calling me honey. Very casually. "Hey, where's the trash can, honey?" Okay, I let that slide. Whatever (though hubby was very upset by this when I told him) However, part 2 of incident is this: Upon getting off of work early, he went home to shave his face before picking up the kids and made a point to explain to me that he did that. Apparently they live ten minutes from me, and last time I checked, people can shave when they have their kids in their home. Why did he go through the trouble to go home, shave, and THEN come pick up the kids? No, they weren't going anywhere that day. So whats's up with that? Next day weird thing wasn't by him, but from dcg3 when I was putting her shoes on in my play room while dcd is in living room putting on shoes for dcg5. She said in her silly voice, "My daddy likes you!" I blew it off and said "oh how sweet babygirl! Do you like Miss _____ too?" "Yes!" "That's great, because Miss. ____ takes very good care of you and she likes you too!"

Lets, see... also standing too close for comfort. I try to back away but somehow he keeps ending up getting close to me while talking during pick up and drop offs, even though they are relatively short. Not like in my face kinda close, but just... close. I know what too close to another man feels like. And he's that kind of close.

I would really, really like to hear about any incidents that have happened to others regarding any weird 'possible' flirting, or full blown sexual harassment. Just out of curiosity, and for readings sake. What do you guys do, especially in a situation where it's not like super obvious that that's what he's doing? Also, am I over-reacting, or do you think he's actually being weird? Thanks everyone for any input.

P.S. he's married too!

I would be blunt-
Excuse me, your in my personal space bubble. I would show him what that meant with my hands and explain it makes you a little uncomfortable!

I am hoping its all harmless. I know some people are just like that- bubbly personality in your face type of people

If you express your boundaries if it is harmless this guy is going to know your solid in protecting yourself and environment that you care for these kids and will not bat an eyelash other then to realize not everyone likes the in your face, honey way and he will back off.

I have not had the flirt, but I have had to tell a parent I don't like the way your talking about other people and that I won't tolerate racism. I let it go with subtle hints until I finally had to come out and be blunt-

I suggest you don't wait till its too late- Please update us on how this turns out

[Meeko]

Have hubby stand with his arm around you while staring at DCD....::

[Annalee]

Wear a hat or shirt that says "DON'T MESS WITH ME!!!!!"::::::