WWYD: Timeout resulting in epic tantrum

[caregiver]

I don't have a 22 month old that will do those things, I have a 4 yr old DCB that will have major meltdowns almost everyday. He will have meltdowns when he doesn't get his way and he screams and will either go hide behind the chair or roll around on the floor screaming"I want to be a good boy" and he just keeps saying that over and over until he calms himself down,which sometimes is 15 minutes. I just have to walk out of the room and let him scream it out.
I have had many conversations with the parents about this and he does this at home also and they are at a loss on how to handle these meltdowns themselves. He had a meltdown so bad the other day that I had emailed the Mom and told her if he didn't stop doing these that day, she would need to come get him and bring him back when he could behave.
The DCB wants to go home as before they came to me, he had a nanny and liked being at home, so he wants to stay at home.
She emailed me aback saying that if she came and got him that it would be just giving in to him because he does want to be a home.
I thought to myself...you want me to handle your child all day like this....it is the parents job to handle their child and deal with this kind of behavior, not mine, not my job. I tried to handle it all day, was going crazy, but made it through the day.
I am going to term him, but have to wait a few months financially before I can term him. Not sure I can make it that long as he was hitting another child today and had emailed Mom about that issue. I do not tolerate hitting in my daycare. We will see what she responds with, but do you think I should be expected to handle a child that has major meltdowns daily as doing daycare for him? I don't think that I am equipped to handle this kind of behavior and I really think there is something wrong with him, chemical imbalance or something like that.
I just hope that the parents will start to put things together and maybe think he needs some professional help.

[Maria2013]

What would you suggest?

When little ones throw a Tantrum, I put them in a playpen...there they can scream and toss all they want, without causing any harm to themselves or others

[nothingwithoutjoy]

What would you suggest?

A 22-month-old doesn't understand that we don't push, and why. They understand someone's in my way, I want it, I can get it by shoving them out of the way. Pure logic, and a focus on their desires, not those of others--makes sense for a toddler. You can say "be nice," "don't push," punish them for it, but they won't truly "get it" for quite a while.

This is what I would do.

You've learned that she pushes to get what she wants. So I'd be super watchful and nearby whenever possible. I'd try to catch her before she pushes. You see her approaching, you guess she wants it, you stop her (physically, gently) before she does and help her put it into words instead: "Looks like you want a turn on the swing. So-and-so's using it now. Let's tell her you want a turn." And when you're not right there, and she does push, I'd comfort the pushed kid, help them tell her how they feel about it, point out their sadness, etc. to help her see the consequence (real consequence, not an adult-imposed punishment called a "consequence") and then help both kids negotiate a better solution.

I wouldn't remove her (unless I had to, as when I'm cooking lunch and kids are playing and one is consistently unsafe. Then I have them join me in the kitchen--not in a punitive way, but just as a matter of course.) Removing her might teach her what to do to please you, but it won't teach her what to do with those feelings of "I must have it now!" Staying in the thick of it with an adult's support will help her learn how to manage those big feelings.

To me, working on social skills like this is the work of the early years--far more than learning the alphabet or whatever academic stuff some people expect. It's exhausting, it's aggravating, you want them to cut it out already, but it's so important, and can make a huge difference in how a child approaches future interactions.