The Problem with Modern Parenting

[NightOwl]

I think parents are in crisis because parenting has now become competition. Who's having the biggest fanciest birthday party. Who's kid knows the ABC in three different languages. What parent is spending the most time with their kids. I see this so much at work and it does affect their kids. I hear it almost everyday for some child bragging that their parents are taking them to Disney on ice. Well when the other set of parents find out, they books trip to WDW. It's the old "I'm better than you because is spend more money/time with my kid."

Then you have the parents who can't afford to compete and put themselves in serious debt just to fit in. Their kids don't understand why mommy/daddy can't take them to the circus or WDW. They can't understand why I can't have a $300 birthday party at Monkey Joe's so they are crushed and angry. Now mommy/daddy don't want Special Snowflake upset so they spend money that they know they don't have just to keep him/her happy. If I seem a little preachy, I apologize. This is something that I've been seeing more and more especially around this time of year, vacation season. I know that there are parents who scrimp and save to give a magical vacation or super awesome birthday party. I'm not talking about them. These parents are the ones who explain, without great detail, why they can't go some of the places all the time. They also find alternative but equally fun places to go and things to do. IME, these kids have no trouble hearing NO and are few and far between.

Ok, off my soapbox now. Once again, I apologize for sounding preachy but those are my thoughts.

BAHAHAHAHA!! Special Snowflake.....

[Play Care]

However, the above situation with the Grandma, I dont see an issue with this. Grandmas are ideal caretakes for many families because they love their grandchildren, they are attentive, nurturing caregivers and provided that they are working with the parents, can help provide a stable home life for kids of working parents. I see no big issue with mom and dad having four children and grandma providing the care at home if that is what is working for all the adults involved and the kids. Babies need their moms but later on, I think Grandmas/relatives are the second best choice provided mom and dad are still spending quality time with the kids and still taking the responsibilities of parenting.

I will say that I am not at all a fan of grandparents providing day care. IME, most seem to do it out of obligation. I transport to our local preschool and everyday I'm waiting with a group of grands that are doing day care duty. And every day I hear them complain about it. Keeping up with young kids can be exhausting for young parents, but especially so for older grands who may also have health issues. I know they are at fault for not being assertive, but many don't want to upset the kids and risk not seeing the grandkids as often. On the other side, many of my friends who have their parents watch the kids have issues with how care is being provided (lots of tv, either overly spoiling or boredom, etc.) but don't want to say anything to avoid hurt feelings. In on e case a friends MIL had serious health issues and insisted on continuing to watch the kids, but the nature of the issue (a condition which causes strokes) meant her health was too unstable. It was a very uncomfortable situation and grandma is still upset that DIL won't "allow" her to watch the kids...


I think relatives providing day care (usually unpaid) changes the dynamic of the relationship and not in a positive way. Time spent together becomes out of duty and obligation and not just the genuine pleasure of enjoying ones company.

[debbiedoeszip]

I don't think that there is one problem, but rather several problems.

1. Lots and lots of anxiety around parenting which leads to overprotected, neurotic children.

2. Parents trying too hard to make childhood "magical" and special.

3. Parents lives are too child-centered (vs. the "good old days" when children adjusted to their parents lives rather than parents adjusting to their children's lives). More balance between the two extremes would be better IMHO.

I have a FB friend whose tween son is involved in (seemingly) every team sport in existence. She goes to every practice and game, regardless of the weather. She complains about being cold and wet for hours, often. I'd never subject myself to that. If tween child wanted to participate in a sport, I'd pay the fees (if we could afford them) and make sure he/she got safely there and home again (which may involve public transportation or car-pooling). I'd only stick around to watch special events. For one thing, I don't see the value in sacrificing my comfort and time on the alter of motherhood, and I also see the value in my tween/teen child doing things independently (i.e., without mom/dad hanging around).

Another parent I know will not allow her tween/teen children to solve their own problems or face any consequences (even mild consequences). She is forever rushing in to save the day, all guns blazing and in "mama bear" mode. Her kids are never, ever in the wrong. (sarcasm alert) She has the most victimized children in existence. (end sarcasm)

One good story I heard was from a young guy I worked with (young then; he's in his thirties now). He and his sisters (all young children at the time) were squabbling one day over what tv channel to watch. Mom came in, unplugged the tv, and threw it onto the lawn. From that day forward, their home contained no tv, no computer, and no other "electronic" entertainment devices. He said that at the time he and his sisters were horrified and very unhappy, but it lead to the happiest childhood he could imagine. They read books, played outside, got involved in the community, and just generally had a very happy and busy (through playing) childhood. I wish that I'd had the courage to do just that (unplug my kid). He's 17 now and spends too much (IMO) time "plugged in".

[Bookworm]

dang. Reminds me of that documentary about parents trying to get into the best preschools in New York. anyone seen that?

What's the name of it?
Sounds interesting.

[Blackcat31]

What's the name of it?
Sounds interesting.

Nursery University

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1213832/

[cheerfuldom]

In this case grandma has been a child care provider for 20 plus years and while she has voluntarily taken care of her grandkids (for free) she has been sick lately (although almost better) and grandma feels obligated. It IS a lot of grandma's fault cause she doesn't speak up when she should but she is getting better cause me and our other provider friend are trying to make her see the light. She retired a few months ago and still watches their baby although they finally are putting the school aged 2 in daycare this summer. Other grandma is helping so she won't have baby 5 days at least. She admitted to me she would rather not watch them but doesn't want baby somewhere else. So it is a sticky situation but this mom could well afford to stay home. WELL afford it. I find it selfish personally but we are helping grandma with her backbone regarding this. I guess I can't talk cause I am retiring in June and will probably keep my grandson (3) for this summer anyway. I am not near as burnt out as she is though.

This is really a family problem of theirs I realize. She even jokingly told them she thought they had enough kids when they had number 3. She should have been serious and told them that if have another she wouldn't be watching it full time.

Laurel

like you said, it is a family issue and not all the parents fault. They may know or understand little to nothing of the grandma's plight if she is not honest with them. I do think babies thrive best with mothers however, things are not always the simple. I also understand that not every mother thrives at home. Sounds like things in that case are a bit more complicated than it would seem.

[Laurel]

I will say that I am not at all a fan of grandparents providing day care. IME, most seem to do it out of obligation. I transport to our local preschool and everyday I'm waiting with a group of grands that are doing day care duty. And every day I hear them complain about it. Keeping up with young kids can be exhausting for young parents, but especially so for older grands who may also have health issues. I know they are at fault for not being assertive, but many don't want to upset the kids and risk not seeing the grandkids as often. On the other side, many of my friends who have their parents watch the kids have issues with how care is being provided (lots of tv, either overly spoiling or boredom, etc.) but don't want to say anything to avoid hurt feelings. In on e case a friends MIL had serious health issues and insisted on continuing to watch the kids, but the nature of the issue (a condition which causes strokes) meant her health was too unstable. It was a very uncomfortable situation and grandma is still upset that DIL won't "allow" her to watch the kids...


I think relatives providing day care (usually unpaid) changes the dynamic of the relationship and not in a positive way. Time spent together becomes out of duty and obligation and not just the genuine pleasure of enjoying ones company.

Well even though I started the grandparent rant, I am a provider and grandparent. I've had both of my grandchildren full time and have been glad to do it. In fact, I feel like I am closer to them because of it. It has been wonderful. Their parents are also grateful.

However, like my friend's case, she just needs to speak up. My grown kids have never taken advantage. If there is an issue, I think that it is an adult issue between grandparents and parents.

It can be good or bad or a little of both sometimes. I knew a provider who would not watch her grandchildren in her childcare even for money. We thought that was kind of weird but who knows what the family dynamic there was? I guess it all depends on the families involved.

Laurel

[Laurel]

like you said, it is a family issue and not all the parents fault. They may know or understand little to nothing of the grandma's plight if she is not honest with them. I do think babies thrive best with mothers however, things are not always the simple. I also understand that not every mother thrives at home. Sounds like things in that case are a bit more complicated than it would seem.

I agree but I think it will get straightened out. Right now the family is seriously considering a job offer from out of town. Problem solved! Even if they decide to stay here, we plan to be grandma's cheering team!

Laurel

[Play Care]

Well even though I started the grandparent rant, I am a provider and grandparent. I've had both of my grandchildren full time and have been glad to do it. In fact, I feel like I am closer to them because of it. It has been wonderful. Their parents are also grateful.

However, like my friend's case, she just needs to speak up. My grown kids have never taken advantage. If there is an issue, I think that it is an adult issue between grandparents and parents.

It can be good or bad or a little of both sometimes. I knew a provider who would not watch her grandchildren in her childcare even for money. We thought that was kind of weird but who knows what the family dynamic there was? I guess it all depends on the families involved.

Laurel

But I could never imagine you letting your kids take advantage! you're right, it does depend on the families. It just seems like all the ones it know personally who have that arrangement are always complaining about it

[Laurel]

But I could never imagine you letting your kids take advantage! you're right, it does depend on the families. It just seems like all the ones it know personally who have that arrangement are always complaining about it

That's too bad. I also think that we providers just have an easier time with children. Everyone doesn't have our gift with children. Really.

Laurel

[Lynn825]

I haven't heard about competing about spending time with their kids.

:::::: i wish they would

[TwinKristi]

dang. Reminds me of that documentary about parents trying to get into the best preschools in New York. anyone seen that?

Yes!! That was crazy!!! I couldn't believe the way some people acted! The family with several to consider and ones begging for just one spot at one school! It was also sad because you could see the schools just relish in the attention themselves knowing they can get people just simply by opening their doors.

I couldn't get the article to come up

[SignMeUp]

Some daycares are like that too. I refuse to keep a wait list because I don't care for the snob appeal of "I have 73 people on my wait list." I tell people that if they remain interested, they should call me back

[nanglgrl]

I haven't heard about competing about spending time with their kids.

I know that's true. More often I hear bragging about who sends their child to the most expensive daycare.

[rebekki78]

I don't think that there is one problem, but rather several problems.

I agree. This video touches on a lot of those though.

Thanks for sharing this video, it was funny yet so true in many parts.

I have a dysfunctional, blended family that you wouldn't believe. I have a husband with 5 children from his ex, I have two children from two different dads previous to marrying my husband, and each of my children have other siblings from their other parents. It sounds like a mess, but it works out somehow. (I didn't make the best decisions growing up, but it's not like I spoil my children to make up for that.) My 15 yr old son is on the autism spectrum, so teaching him self esteem and self worth has been so tough. And my daughter has had to give up so much just for her brother to be able to have. And they both have to give up a lot when my step children come over, on top of the daycare kids being here every day. I would say that there are more good days then bad days, so it all somehow had worked out. We are in the era of blended families, weird schedules, and both parents working. This can be SO tough on us providers. But you guys have all helped with that Questions, comments, concerns, you have it all!