Do Your Daycare Kids Act Out at Pickup?

[jenh171]

I am lucky enough to care for the best little group of children...honestly, they are all so well-behaved all day long. But ALL of the kids I have ever watched act completely horrible the minute their mom or dad arrives to pick them up...having tantrums, throwing things, you name it. It's like someone flicked a switch. I don't understand the psychology of this, but someone told me once that it's as if they are letting mom and dad have it for being gone all day. But it almost feels manipulative too, because I think they know that I'm not going to really correct them with their parent here. It is so hard for the parents and I cannot think of a way to fix this. I just wondered if anyone else experiences this phenomena!

[SandeeAR]

I guess that is where I'm different. If my kids acted out at pickup, I "would" correct them. They are still in my home, in my care until they step out that door on the way to the car, and I shut the door.

All of mine are babie, but one, so I don't have any of that yet, but yes, I would correct them.

[Blackcat31]

I was totally gonna post this same question!! I have a 3 yr old dcg who I've had since birth M-F and just recently she has become this crazy wild child I have NEVER seen before at pick up time. I have an entry way that is completely separated by a half door so she has no audience except parent picking up (and me) but she climbs the coat cubbies, jumps onto and off of the bench, pulls things out of other's baskets and basically turns into Sybill. Dcm just goes about her business and tries her best to get dcg shoes and coat on. I have tried saying something to both dcm and child, but nothing seems to phase this girl. We have even tried discussions the next morning, pep talks right before pick up to remind her of rules and she just goes crazy every day at pick up regardless. Lately I have been just walking away from entry room and leaving dcm to deal with her flailing wailing child on her own.
I also have an 18 month old who clings to me and cries and freaks out whenever I try to hand her over 1/2 door to dcm at pick up. I get that she loves being here, but sheesh! Pick ups are becoming crazy here!
I guess it beats screaming kids at drop off since they ALL come in eagerly...just seems as though NO ONE wants to leave lately!!

[jenh171]

actually it's usually the moms and i working together to try to reel the child in. i just cannot understand why they all do this. i have a four year old girl who is an absolute angel and right when her mom shows up she starts acting so fresh to her mom and running out the door while the mom and i are trying to talk for a second. also i have a 2 year old who is fantastic all day, and has a total meltdown the minute mom arrives....throws herself on the floor and everything. this poor mom has to practically carry her out of here. it's so hard for the parents at the end of the day. and i don't mean to say that they're having a fit because they don't want to leave. it's just acting up for no distinct reason. i'd love to do something to fix this!

[katie]

I'm glad you posted this. I have a 3 yr old dcg that becomes a different child once mom or dad come to pick up. She is happy, laughing all day. It doesn't matter who comes to pick up (mom and dad are split). She yells "No they are not here!" She cries. Tantrums. The mom is just over it and wants to go home. I think dad feels she was like that all day b/c she doesn't like it here. I try to tell him she was just having a great time! Uhhh

[broncomom1973]

Ha, ha, um yes. One dcb age 2-1/2 does great all day and then as soon as his mom comes in he starts whining and crying like hes had a horrible time here. I finally said to his mom yesterday "he sure does get emotional around you, he doesnt act like that at all during the day". I mean it's unbelievable. She said "yeah, you should see him at home". No thanks, I dont care for all that drama.

[ninosqueridos]

Yes. Every single one. Not everyday, but they each have their moments. It's exactly like described....flipping a switch. Once I hand over, the parent takes over (or tries to anyway). The ONLY thing that helps the situation here is if I have the child READY with shoes, coat, bag on so they could just pick them up and go. This is not always possible with all kids as not all pickups occur at the same time everyday with some, but generally if they give me a heads up that they're on their way, the tantrums don't occur OR they quickly walk out and scream in the car instead.

[kidkair]

Yep they all act different at pick up. I have one 2 year old boy who cries big loud sobbing crying when mom comes. I think it's more of a release than anything. I require him to do lots of stuff during the day and sometimes he doesn't like having to wait for help and such. He just wants to tell Mom all about the bad things that happened and doesn't have the words all the time. Lately it's been getting better because he's been using his words more. I usually verbally reprimand kids when they are acting out at the door because they are still in my house. This kid would get even louder if I did that though so I worked on giving him words. The other day he was going in and out of our crafting area and banging the door horribly so I told him to stop going back and forth. Mom came in a few minutes later and instead of the melt down he said Angelique forth no. Neither one of us knew what he meant right away but then I figured it out and told the whole thing to mom. He was so happy that we understood. I made sure to put in what he was feeling too in my explanation. He then followed up with "time out ducky" and so we talked about that as well. Then I talked about the wonderful things he did too. For the most part the parents are in charge of their kid at pick up but I put my foot down on some behaviors and help the parents gets out the door.

[jenh171]

I really am very relieved to know it's not just me! If anyone comes up with anything that works to curtail this, please let me know. Oh, and I have also tried having the kids all ready to go with coat on/bag ready, etc., but that hasn't really helped too much. I've had kids pull OFF their coats and shoes while having that pick-up time meltdown...ugh!

[melskids]

...and what makes it all worse is the mom who has had a bad day at work and wants to spend 20 minutes unloading on you. meanwhile their precious little ones are jumping on the couch, climbing the toy shelves, and pulling the dogs tail.

ive gotten to the point where i am just really blunt with people. i'll cut them off and say "well, ok. have a great night" or something like that. i also stand in a way that blocks the kiddos from leaving the front door area and ripping the whole playroom apart again.

and these are the SA who do all this. you'd think by 7/8 yrs old they'd know better.

[DanceMom]

Some of my kids act out when mom/dad comes...and I do help the parent correct the behavior since they are still in my house, under my rules. When they walk out of the door - it's their problem to deal with

[nannyde]

I call the dynamic of bad behavior at drop off and pick up "Changing of the Guard" behavior. It is seen primarily in children who are in charge of the relationship with their parents. It is seen in children who are more powerful than their parents and parents who want their child to be powerful/happy/special/ more than they want the child to have good public and interpersonal relationship. The parent does not want the child to cry so outbursts of obviously inappropriate behavior are acceptable to the parent as long as the child does them without crying and is happy. The harshest discipline used for these kids is "corporal coddling".

Changing of the guard behavior at drop off is when the child goes from being in power/control while in the care of his parents to the provider being in power/control while in the care of the provider. The child cries or acts out because they do not want to relinquish their control. They don't want the control to go to the provider so they delay the transfer of power by acting out.

They also want the provider to see that they are in control because arrivals and departures are the only opportunity the child has to make it clear to the provider that they are in control. As soon as the door closes behind the parent the child looses that really powerful position as their power supply has just backed up out the driveway.

At pick ups again the child realizes that once their power supply (parents) have arrived that they are back into power. They see that the parent again gives them the kingdom and you the provider aren't stopping them from taking over. They are used to the provider being the leader ALL day long so they KNOW something is terribly wrong when you all of a sudden stop leading.

All the kid sees is two adults who are not making him stop and demanding he behave properly in public. He has no choice to become the leader because the adults around him are not doing it. He loves to be the leader but unfortunately is ill equipped for the job as he is just a child. Children should NEVER lead adults. Children should NEVER lead themselves or other children. They are terribly inadaquate leaders. When they are allowed the job of leader the entire time they are in that role everything falls apart. Everyone is unhappy and nothing works out well.

The parent is often misbehaving at the drop off and pick up too. The parent knows when their child is behaving badly in public. They know how the adults around them looks when their child is acting up. They can feel the negative energy and exhasted energy from the adults around their child's public display of bad behavior. THEY KNOW THE PROVIDER HATES IT but they don't take over. They don't put a stop to it.

The parents often feel the provider works FOR them and because they are paying the provider that the provider should just have to DEAL with this witnessing of poor behavior. The parent doesn't care if it upsets you, your other day care kids, your kids. They are paying you and you better get to toleration quick or they will scoot on out your business.

The parent may have some other motivations for allowing it too. They may WANT the child to hang out at the day care before they go to work and after they are off of work because they are trying to get the kid off of their clock for as long as possible. There are a certain segment of parent population who allow misbehavior at drop off and pick up as a STALL technique to keep the child at day care longer. These are the ones that allow a wide breadth of time for their kid to be in care when they really only need nine hours. These parents will often pick providers with open hours so the parent can use time BEFORE work and AFTER work to be at the providers house with the kid because they don't want to be home with the kid by themselves any longer than they have to.



The provider is in a bad situation too. She doesn't like the changing of the guard behavior. She wants the child to behave as he does when SHE is leading him. She feels she can't discipline kids in front of their parent. She knows she wouldn't want someone disciplining HER kids in front of her so she sits back praying to Jesus that the parent put the kabosh on this and take over.

She also knows that it's a pretty touchy deal to start disciplining the kid especially at pick up time. She could offend the parent and the parent could pull the kid. She really really WANTS the kid to LEAVE so she can get on with her own family so she doesn't want to do ANYTHING to get prolong it.

So now you have the perfect storm. The child is being bombarded with badly behaving adults ... adults who are not being true to their feelings... adults who will not do WHATEVER it takes to show the child that the child can NEVER lead in their presence....

and a child who is BEGGING for calm stable minute to minute leadership

I don't have this dynamic in my day care because I do not EVER allow a child to lead in my home. I don't allow them to lead me or lead their parents. From the second the kid hits the inside of my house they are being led by ME. I don't leave the leadership up to the parents. I'm glad when I have ones that DO lead but I'm the leadingest leader no matter what.

IF a child is acting up at arrivals and departures despite my insistence that I be the leader then I institute the "Buh Bye Outside" program. This is where the parent says good bye to the child outside my door at drop off and does NOT come into the house. At pick up "I" say good bye to the child inside the house and send them out the door and the parent does NOT come in the house.

Both arrival and departure the child does not see the parent and I together. The parent brings the child to my door in the morning and says their goodbyes on my front step. They have as long as they want to say goodbye. They can spend an hour there if that's what they need. Once the parent knocks on my door then that is the signal that they are COMPLETELY DONE saying goodbye.

I open the door and just take the child over my threshold and shut the door very quickly. That makes the transition VERY short for the kid. This allows the parent to be the only adult tolerating the child's bad behavior. This takes away the audience for the child and parents bad behavior. This takes away the element of "you have to put up with my prince/princesses behavior because I am the boss of you and I pay you".

At departure the parent is to call me within five minutes of the arrival and we do the same thing in reverse. As soon as the parent arrives on my doorstep I open it up and assist the kid back over the threshold and quickly shut my door.

Rinse and repeat.

It usually takes about three days of the buh bye outside program to get both the parent and child to behave. By the third day the parent is bored out of their mind standing outside with their kid. The kid realizes that there isn't an audience for his behavior and the message that ANY time he is around the provider the provider is in charge is not broken or challenged.

I can always tell when we are ready to start integrating them back into the house by the decrease in the kids fit. I watch them thru the window. When the kid just comes and stands at my doorway looking at the door then I know it's time to start letting them EASE their way back into saying goodbye inside the house.

I start by allowing it at drop off but if the child causes any chaos they go back to saying good bye outside immediately. If drop off goes well for a few days then we try the inside departure. The slightest hint that the kid is going to act up and we go back to just donig the departure outside.

It's very important for the provider to take charge of the entire time the child is in your home. If you allow the parents to be the leader you will very often find that they won't do it. There are a LOT of parents who feel that their child should lead because they are special and they are theirs. It is becoming increasingly difficult to find parents who believe that they should always lead and that it is an embarrasment and a shame for their child to behave poorly around the day care.

It is an embarrasment and a shame that kids behave badly in public. We are their public. The only way to get the whole cycle to stop in my experience is to completely take charge of the entire thing. I don't allow ANY misbehavior when they are in my home. I don't hesitate in ANY way to discipline the children when they are under my roof. I don't give a flip whether their parents are here or not. The children NEVER see my behavior change when their parents arrive. I don't act any different to the child when the parent is here. I'm just as strict with my expectations whether the parent is there or not.

I don't allow parents to misbehave in my house. If they do not cease control of their kid and despite my interjections the kids are still acting up then they are not allowed the PRIVLEDGE of doing arrivals and departures inside my home. Once the parent and child looses the privledge of arrivals and departures inside they very quickly get bored of the rediculous behavior and start behaviing... BOTH the parent and the child start behaving.

Bottom line is stop allow the kid and the parent to misbehave on your properly. Your house your rulses for EVERYBODY. Be the leader the child and parent need you to be. Be the leader every second of the time you have them in your home.

When you lead they will follow and peace will be yours.

[DancingQueen]

Nan - I like a lot of what you said.
I have the problem of ALL of the kids acting up whenever ANYONE enters the home.
Now - seeing how it is NOT an option to completely stop people from entering my home (it just isn't - take me at my word) what would you suggest I do to keep the group from acting up and getting really rambunctious while I'm taking the five minutes that I need to have a conversation?
I'm very curious to hear your thoughts on this because I am at my wits end to be honest.

I also have a problem that when my afterschool kids get here the energy level of the entire group sky rockets and I almost lose control of everything.

[BentleysBands]

ditto with what everyone has said....seems like the lil demons come out at pickups LOL drives me insane. i use to have a kid who would throw toys when mom came in...he has since been gone! i normally have each kid ready w/shoes and artwork,etc ready to go. i also will busy myself with something so the parents know i'm busy....if we have to talk about something i will text or call after they leave. Nan, you have some wonder thoughts but sadly i cant do alot of it. just the way my home is layed out.

[nannyde]

Nan - I like a lot of what you said.
I have the problem of ALL of the kids acting up whenever ANYONE enters the home.
Now - seeing how it is NOT an option to completely stop people from entering my home (it just isn't - take me at my word) what would you suggest I do to keep the group from acting up and getting really rambunctious while I'm taking the five minutes that I need to have a conversation?
I'm very curious to hear your thoughts on this because I am at my wits end to be honest.

I also have a problem that when my afterschool kids get here the energy level of the entire group sky rockets and I almost lose control of everything.

I can't help you with what happens when the school aged kids are there. I don't care for school aged kids because I don't like them.

I don't do arrivals and departures in the play room so I don't have any advice on that either. I think it's best to physically separate the children from the parents as much as you possibly can.