Do Your Daycare Kids Act Out at Pickup?

[AmyKidsCo]

I've had that too - at one time I used a Treasure Box as a bribe for the children to go home nicely! ::

One thing I do early in the relationship is find a time to casually mention that all children go through a phase where they don't want to come in the morning and don't want to go home at night. I'll talk about it a couple of times, then when the child reaches the phase the parents are fore-warned. IMO it's better to let them know at a time when the child ISN'T going through it than wait until they do - if you wait it looks like you're making things up so the parent won't be upset.

[jacksmommy13]

I'm a new in home daycare provider and I'm having this problem! I just posted a new thread about my dcb that throws tantrums (and takes toys/food home at pickup). It is stressful. He's my only full time dc and I can't afford to trem him. It makes it worse that he's throwing a tantrum and demanding food/toys. Our main door is in our kitchen, no avoiding it and the playroom is right next to the kitchen. He screams and throws himself on the floor as soon as I open the door for mom.
I love the bye bye outside!!! Do you have it written in your contract? How did you bring it up to switch to bye bye outside?

[Unregistered]

I read on here on time. If the child repeatedly acts up at pick up, talk to the parent & child and tell them the very next time and every time there after, they have to wait outside, you the provider will put on the child's jacket etc, the provider walks child to the door opens it and parent takes child to their car. If you have an assistant, parent texts/calls when they pull up and the assistant can get child ready and walk them to the car. Do this a few days and see how child acts the next time you allow the parent inside at pick up. ***Parent and provider must work together on this. I did it with one of my parents, but she kept making it a threat to her child but would not step outside and close the door. Not until she actually acted on it and went out the door and I closed it did it become effective.

[Unregistered]

Hair oil

Just started taking care of a beautiful little east indian girl. She has long hair which is usually in a braid but it is always saturated with oil!!! I asked the mom if she could not put the oil in on daycare days but she says they have to do it or her hair gets really dry and brittle.

I may have to terminate .... over hair!!!!! I t leaves a stain on my couch, the pack-n-play she sleeps in and now she is laying all over my carpet when she gets tired and I am constantly telling her to sit up and stop rubbing her head on everything!!

Uggggg, after 30 years in daycare I thought I had seen everything.

[Ac114]

I realize I’m responding to an 8 year old post but it seems to be a common theme amongst us childcare providers. I have a child that I’m on the verge of terming because of her wild behavior at pick up. It would be one thing if her mom helped out or even corrected her child but she doesn’t it. NOT ONE WORD. She ripped the weather stripping out of my door last week, she constantly turns the lights on and off, (we’ll be sitting in the dark and it doesn’t click to tell your child to stop) opening up my cabinets and pulling food out. It’s becoming too stressful because I feel like a broken record of saying, stop doing that, please don’t touch that, quit turning off the lights etc. and the parent just sits there twiddling their thumbs.

[Blackcat31]

I realize I’m responding to an 8 year old post but it seems to be a common theme amongst us childcare providers. I have a child that I’m on the verge of terming because of her wild behavior at pick up. It would be one thing if her mom helped out or even corrected her child but she doesn’t it. NOT ONE WORD. She ripped the weather stripping out of my door last week, she constantly turns the lights on and off, (we’ll be sitting in the dark and it doesn’t click to tell your child to stop) opening up my cabinets and pulling food out. It’s becoming too stressful because I feel like a broken record of saying, stop doing that, please don’t touch that, quit turning off the lights etc. and the parent just sits there twiddling their thumbs.

It's only common for providers that aren't aware of the Bye-Bye Outside technique

https://www.daycare.com/nannyde/?s=Changing+of+the+guard

[Ac114]

It's only common for providers that aren't aware of the Bye-Bye Outside technique
https://www.daycare.com/nannyde/?s=C...g+of+the+guard

Do you explain this to the parent before you do it or do you just do it and hand them their child? I will definitely try this because I am at my wits end with it.

[Blackcat31]

Do you explain this to the parent before you do it or do you just do it and hand them their child? I will definitely try this because I am at my wits end with it.

I don't...I'm too blunt and bossy that I don't use this method for bad behavior at pickup.... Most my daycare parents are my own kids' age or younger so it's second nature for me to state my expectations clearly without fear of the parent being offended.

In your situation, I would absolutely tell the parent before hand...I'd tell them since they can't manage their child's behavior during pick up, that you are implementing the Bye-Bye Outside method of exchanging the child.

If mom/dad don't like it, tell them you have no choice as you can't allow the child to be so destructive and disobedient during times of transition as it's a liability to you and your program and will not be tolerated so Bye-Bye Outside..

[Lawson2]

I haven't read all the responses, but I did read nannydes and I agree 100%. As a seasoned childcare worker, I have seen this multiple times. It it boils down to two things...
1) The child has been keeping it "together" all day and melts down when the parents arrive.
2)This usually happens when the child is in control of the parents.

And this happened when I was a nanny and as a daycare provider. Funny, now I have my own two boys (ages 7 and almost 2), they have never acted like this in childcare, but I'm the one on control (and guess what, they are happy well-adjusted kids! &#128527.

As a nanny, the family that the children were in control had two girls. The older girl would show her control by telling me that she "just wanted to show me one more thing" and I would be stuck watching her next "show". The mother thought it was adorable (the girl was around 7 at the time). I just wanted to end my shift. After all, I was there for 11 hour days! The mother never once took control, or tried to stop it. More than once, the girl even hung on my car.... 😳

Now, here I am older and wiser. Ha!

I now provide childcare in my home. I'm in the same boat with two siblings and then another family, who has one boy.

With the two siblings, they scream at their parents. They don't really do anything to me and the parents do get them dressed to leave...So, it doesn't really hinder me, although I am appalled by the behavior. but, they know I don't tolerate that behavior here, so up until the parents leave they act like this and when they return, they act like this. No wonder the mother told me she could never stay home with her kids...
Again, the parents get them out the door quickly, so I just watch the circus show (they are my last family of the day).
The older child is also allowed to interrupt constantly... The children are both great here though.

And the one other child doesn't scream or cry, but he dumps toys, throws tables over, etc... Anything he can knock over, he will try.
The mother doesn't reprimand him, or make him clean it up.
She just laughs and says, "what a jerk". And we are talking about highly educated people here... 😏
So, I now tell him, we aren't going to dump anything when your mother arrives and he usually listens. To stop the behavior I had to be the one to pick him up and tell him no and hand him over to his mother though.
This ties into being older. I don't have the time to deal with nonsense anymore, or really care what people think of me. They should be embarrassed for putting me in that situation. I wouldn't allow my children to do that....

My children are by no means perfect and I get it to an extent, I have had a lot of experience with different families before having my own. I saw things that made me parent the way I do. I am so grateful for that. My kids know I set the rules and they are truly happy and content. And others say they are very good kids to watch.... I say I don't know why parents would want their kids to run the household, but I do know why (or I can take an educated guess)...
They aren't with them much during the week, so they give into them to make it easy. And the parents are too tired to parent... It is mind boggling really.

[Unregistered]

Dismantling Bad Theories

I call the dynamic of bad behavior at drop off and pick up "Changing of the Guard" behavior. It is seen primarily in children who are in charge of the relationship with their parents. It is seen in children who are more powerful than their parents and parents who want their child to be powerful/happy/special/ more than they want the child to have good public and interpersonal relationship. The parent does not want the child to cry so outbursts of obviously inappropriate behavior are acceptable to the parent as long as the child does them without crying and is happy. The harshest discipline used for these kids is "corporal coddling".

Changing of the guard behavior at drop off is when the child goes from being in power/control while in the care of his parents to the provider being in power/control while in the care of the provider. The child cries or acts out because they do not want to relinquish their control. They don't want the control to go to the provider so they delay the transfer of power by acting out.

They also want the provider to see that they are in control because arrivals and departures are the only opportunity the child has to make it clear to the provider that they are in control. As soon as the door closes behind the parent the child looses that really powerful position as their power supply has just backed up out the driveway.

At pick ups again the child realizes that once their power supply (parents) have arrived that they are back into power. They see that the parent again gives them the kingdom and you the provider aren't stopping them from taking over. They are used to the provider being the leader ALL day long so they KNOW something is terribly wrong when you all of a sudden stop leading.

All the kid sees is two adults who are not making him stop and demanding he behave properly in public. He has no choice to become the leader because the adults around him are not doing it. He loves to be the leader but unfortunately is ill equipped for the job as he is just a child. Children should NEVER lead adults. Children should NEVER lead themselves or other children. They are terribly inadaquate leaders. When they are allowed the job of leader the entire time they are in that role everything falls apart. Everyone is unhappy and nothing works out well.

The parent is often misbehaving at the drop off and pick up too. The parent knows when their child is behaving badly in public. They know how the adults around them looks when their child is acting up. They can feel the negative energy and exhasted energy from the adults around their child's public display of bad behavior. THEY KNOW THE PROVIDER HATES IT but they don't take over. They don't put a stop to it.

The parents often feel the provider works FOR them and because they are paying the provider that the provider should just have to DEAL with this witnessing of poor behavior. The parent doesn't care if it upsets you, your other day care kids, your kids. They are paying you and you better get to toleration quick or they will scoot on out your business.

The parent may have some other motivations for allowing it too. They may WANT the child to hang out at the day care before they go to work and after they are off of work because they are trying to get the kid off of their clock for as long as possible. There are a certain segment of parent population who allow misbehavior at drop off and pick up as a STALL technique to keep the child at day care longer. These are the ones that allow a wide breadth of time for their kid to be in care when they really only need nine hours. These parents will often pick providers with open hours so the parent can use time BEFORE work and AFTER work to be at the providers house with the kid because they don't want to be home with the kid by themselves any longer than they have to.



The provider is in a bad situation too. She doesn't like the changing of the guard behavior. She wants the child to behave as he does when SHE is leading him. She feels she can't discipline kids in front of their parent. She knows she wouldn't want someone disciplining HER kids in front of her so she sits back praying to Jesus that the parent put the kabosh on this and take over.

She also knows that it's a pretty touchy deal to start disciplining the kid especially at pick up time. She could offend the parent and the parent could pull the kid. She really really WANTS the kid to LEAVE so she can get on with her own family so she doesn't want to do ANYTHING to get prolong it.

So now you have the perfect storm. The child is being bombarded with badly behaving adults ... adults who are not being true to their feelings... adults who will not do WHATEVER it takes to show the child that the child can NEVER lead in their presence....

and a child who is BEGGING for calm stable minute to minute leadership

I don't have this dynamic in my day care because I do not EVER allow a child to lead in my home. I don't allow them to lead me or lead their parents. From the second the kid hits the inside of my house they are being led by ME. I don't leave the leadership up to the parents. I'm glad when I have ones that DO lead but I'm the leadingest leader no matter what.

IF a child is acting up at arrivals and departures despite my insistence that I be the leader then I institute the "Buh Bye Outside" program. This is where the parent says good bye to the child outside my door at drop off and does NOT come into the house. At pick up "I" say good bye to the child inside the house and send them out the door and the parent does NOT come in the house.

Both arrival and departure the child does not see the parent and I together. The parent brings the child to my door in the morning and says their goodbyes on my front step. They have as long as they want to say goodbye. They can spend an hour there if that's what they need. Once the parent knocks on my door then that is the signal that they are COMPLETELY DONE saying goodbye.

I open the door and just take the child over my threshold and shut the door very quickly. That makes the transition VERY short for the kid. This allows the parent to be the only adult tolerating the child's bad behavior. This takes away the audience for the child and parents bad behavior. This takes away the element of "you have to put up with my prince/princesses behavior because I am the boss of you and I pay you".

At departure the parent is to call me within five minutes of the arrival and we do the same thing in reverse. As soon as the parent arrives on my doorstep I open it up and assist the kid back over the threshold and quickly shut my door.

Rinse and repeat.

It usually takes about three days of the buh bye outside program to get both the parent and child to behave. By the third day the parent is bored out of their mind standing outside with their kid. The kid realizes that there isn't an audience for his behavior and the message that ANY time he is around the provider the provider is in charge is not broken or challenged.

I can always tell when we are ready to start integrating them back into the house by the decrease in the kids fit. I watch them thru the window. When the kid just comes and stands at my doorway looking at the door then I know it's time to start letting them EASE their way back into saying goodbye inside the house.

I start by allowing it at drop off but if the child causes any chaos they go back to saying good bye outside immediately. If drop off goes well for a few days then we try the inside departure. The slightest hint that the kid is going to act up and we go back to just donig the departure outside.

It's very important for the provider to take charge of the entire time the child is in your home. If you allow the parents to be the leader you will very often find that they won't do it. There are a LOT of parents who feel that their child should lead because they are special and they are theirs. It is becoming increasingly difficult to find parents who believe that they should always lead and that it is an embarrasment and a shame for their child to behave poorly around the day care.

It is an embarrasment and a shame that kids behave badly in public. We are their public. The only way to get the whole cycle to stop in my experience is to completely take charge of the entire thing. I don't allow ANY misbehavior when they are in my home. I don't hesitate in ANY way to discipline the children when they are under my roof. I don't give a flip whether their parents are here or not. The children NEVER see my behavior change when their parents arrive. I don't act any different to the child when the parent is here. I'm just as strict with my expectations whether the parent is there or not.

I don't allow parents to misbehave in my house. If they do not cease control of their kid and despite my interjections the kids are still acting up then they are not allowed the PRIVLEDGE of doing arrivals and departures inside my home. Once the parent and child looses the privledge of arrivals and departures inside they very quickly get bored of the rediculous behavior and start behaviing... BOTH the parent and the child start behaving.

Bottom line is stop allow the kid and the parent to misbehave on your properly. Your house your rulses for EVERYBODY. Be the leader the child and parent need you to be. Be the leader every second of the time you have them in your home.

When you lead they will follow and peace will be yours.

Blaming the mom is dated psychology. NannyDe's reason WHY the child acts out is messed up. I'd NEVER want someone reflecting these INNER qualities watching my child.

ON TO A BETTER UNDERSTANDING....
The child acts out because deep down he/she would rather be with the parent not a DC provider although you maybe great. The child can pick up on the adults (PARENT & DC WORKER) ambivalence about who is responsible for enforcing good behavior SINCE TWO BOSSE'S ARE IN THE ROOM. Some adults don't know. Do I correct my child? Or respect the boundaries of this house/school? And vice versa. The babysitter don't want to correct the child in front of the parent so they look mean or whatever - so boom. A perfect storm for a child to express his/her upset at being left with a non-real parent and having to put on airs of cooperation all day. Now Mommy's here all is well and I can express how I really feel to be in this setting. No matter how wonderful.

The QUICK CHANGING OF THE GUARDS method is useful - YOU CAN ALSO correct the child's behavior right there (parent AND Babysitter together). When you (the Parent) get home correct it again and have a consequence in place.

I am appalled at the lack of united fronts lots of daycare/babysitter's have. It's like deep down inside they want to believe they are better than the parent can do a better job than the parent - well you can't and you don't.

MAKE SURE I'TS NOT YOU. I HATE some of the DC techniques of IGNORE A CHILD UNLESS THEY WHINE OR GIVE IN WHEN THEY WHINE. I don't do that at home and it's like they are showing mommy - see this is what I DO HERE TO GET WHAT I WANT . Do you see? As a play therapist mom - I taught my son to ask for what he want as early as two. All other setting did NOT acknowledge him unliess he WHINED WTHeck. Anyway disgruntled DC workers keep in mind.

Everyone is getting played.

All of my sons worst behavior emerged AFTER he went into DC And I had to find a place that didn't do that fake sing-songy thing when I'm in the room and act differently when I leave. You know how y'all do. Ignoring, texting, chatting, etc. Now I have to deal with passivity in DC workers ugh.

Do the reverse research and STOP commiserating against the parents - but woah you won't do that it's your bread and butter it reinforces the fantasy you would be a better parent to that child when you are just the babysitter.

NancyDE "whisperer" ha sounds like she stole some of her "theorizings" from Narcissistic Personality" research which is overdone on the web.

BTW my background is in psychology, play therapy, and I am a mom.

[Vesta]

Hey unregistered, whatever useful information you thought you were providing got lost in the snide condescending snark. Hope you feel better now.

[lovemykidstoo]

I have had to do the bye bye outside a few times in the past 18 years. It absolutely works. If a child is misbehaving at my house at drop off or pickup or drop off I treat it differently depending on what it is. If a child is interrupting when mom is speaking to me, I let her handle that. If I'm talking and a child interrupts me when I' talking, I put my finger up and say one minute johnny let me finish and then I can hear you. I've had kids play with my window blinds that are next to the door, I tell them no after I wait a second for mom or dad to do it. Flipping the lights on and off, I wait a second for mom or dad and then I tell them no, just like I would during the day. In a nutshell, I am not going to let a kid go nuts. I do give the parent an opportunity to correct it. If they don't, I will. My house, my rules. I have had one of my very bad kids that was 3 1/2 just be awful. We would have a talk right before mom got here. About what I expected. I told him if he didn't behave then the first thing he would do in the morning is sit. I am not doing an immediate time out when mom was here. I wanted him gone. So he tried me a couple of times, probably thinking I would forget by the morning. He came the next day and I had an immediate talk with him. Remember johnny how you behaved and did this and that? Yup, I do. sit then! He was shocked. He only did that a couple of times.

[Blackcat31]

I am appalled at the lack of united fronts lots of daycare/babysitter's have. It's like deep down inside they want to believe they are better than the parent can do a better job than the parent - well you can't and you don't.

But I do. You've parented for less than a decade maybe two. And it's progressive.

I've care for, raised, taught, nurtured and loved children under the age of 12 for over two and half decades. Basically, I've had a 2 yr old (albeit a different one) but had a 2 yr old for a really long time. Pretty sure that gives me MORE experience and knowledge than you as a parent or a therapist will ever have. My hands on experience trumps your textbook knowledge every time.

Plus you said your child is or was in daycare so again, that's face to face parent time you didn't have.

BTW my background is in psychology, play therapy, and I am a mom.

WORST parents I've ever had (and not once) were in the same field. Thought they knew everything but yet they weren't the one caring for their child on a day to day basis.

Hey unregistered, whatever useful information you thought you were providing got lost in the snide condescending snark. Hope you feel better now.

Right? When the message is supportive, helpful and clear it is received and accepted so much better. When it's riddled with condescension, rudeness and a holier-than-thou attitude, it's often discarded without merit.

Psychology 101.

[Rockgirl]

Apparently, things were just too peaceful around here for too many days!

[lovemykidstoo]

Apparently, things were just too peaceful around here for too many days!

Right? . I just always have to laugh by "unregistered" posters. Every single time so rude and ignorant.