Do Your Daycare Kids Act Out at Pickup?

[daycarediva]

Blaming the mom is dated psychology. NannyDe's reason WHY the child acts out is messed up. I'd NEVER want someone reflecting these INNER qualities watching my child.

ON TO A BETTER UNDERSTANDING....
The child acts out because deep down he/she would rather be with the parent not a DC provider although you maybe great. The child can pick up on the adults (PARENT & DC WORKER) ambivalence about who is responsible for enforcing good behavior SINCE TWO BOSSE'S ARE IN THE ROOM. Some adults don't know. Do I correct my child? Or respect the boundaries of this house/school? And vice versa.

The babysitter don't want to correct the child in front of the parent so they look mean or whatever - so boom. A perfect storm for a child to express his/her upset at being left with a non-real parent and having to put on airs of cooperation all day. Now Mommy's here all is well and I can express how I really feel to be in this setting. No matter how wonderful.
The QUICK CHANGING OF THE GUARDS method is useful - YOU CAN ALSO correct the child's behavior right there (parent AND Babysitter together). When you (the Parent) get home correct it again and have a consequence in place.

I am appalled at the lack of united fronts lots of daycare/babysitter's have. It's like deep down inside they want to believe they are better than the parent can do a better job than the parent - well you can't and you don't.

MAKE SURE I'TS NOT YOU. I HATE some of the DC techniques of IGNORE A CHILD UNLESS THEY WHINE OR GIVE IN WHEN THEY WHINE. I don't do that at home and it's like they are showing mommy - see this is what I DO HERE TO GET WHAT I WANT . Do you see? As a play therapist mom - I taught my son to ask for what he want as early as two. All other setting did NOT acknowledge him unliess he WHINED WTHeck. Anyway disgruntled DC workers keep in mind.

Everyone is getting played.

All of my sons worst behavior emerged AFTER he went into DC And I had to find a place that didn't do that fake sing-songy thing when I'm in the room and act differently when I leave. You know how y'all do. Ignoring, texting, chatting, etc. Now I have to deal with passivity in DC workers ugh.

Do the reverse research and STOP commiserating against the parents - but woah you won't do that it's your bread and butter it reinforces the fantasy you would be a better parent to that child when you are just the babysitter.

NancyDE "whisperer" ha sounds like she stole some of her "theorizings" from Narcissistic Personality" research which is overdone on the web.

BTW my background is in psychology, play therapy, and I am a mom.

I have a BA in ECE, and am one class shy of my masters. What degrees do you hold or experience do you have SPECIFICALLY within child care?

I have 20+ years as a parent, degrees, certifications, and thousands of hours of continuing education, and have been a provider for over 10 years with the 1-5 age group. I have seen FAR more of this behavior than you have.

We often DO know better than a parent. It's also very easy for us to see things from an outside perspective and apply our wealth of knowledge and experience to every child.

It is either 1 of 2 things- the child holding it together will lash out specifically at the parent. Throwing shoes at them, kicking them, etc. The child displaying authority and showing off his power is the child terrorizing the room and not directing it at the parent. It often extends to kindergarten (as many providers will tell you, their new kindergarteners come back to dc and display the same type of behaviors). Have you ever heard of power play? Young children VERY MUCH SO understand power and the dynamic of it.

Sorry you had a poor dc experience. My children are fully engaged in play at their every awake moment and their growth and development reflects their experience. I don't use a generic sing song voice.

We do not commiserate AGAINST parents, our entire field(especially family child care) is based on forming a good relationship and helping the parent to raise the best possible human being.

The end.

Also, the correct contraction is doesn't, not don't. I had a hard time following your post in many places.

[tenderhearts]

I recently have a 4 yr old dcb who started doing this at pick up after we stopped his naps. He doesn't misbehave for his mom he just goes crazy runs back and forth in the entry way ( he can't go back out in daycare room because of gate) but he will try and be crazy because he knows the other kids are watching, he starts stomping and just being extremely loud and when I ask him to stop he wont listen and he is not like that during the day. So I talk with him every day and IF he does this then he loses privileges the next day and has to take a nap and he doesn't like that. It seems to be working.

[Blackcat31]

I recently have a 4 yr old dcb who started doing this at pick up after we stopped his naps. He doesn't misbehave for his mom he just goes crazy runs back and forth in the entry way ( he can't go back out in daycare room because of gate) but he will try and be crazy because he knows the other kids are watching, he starts stomping and just being extremely loud and when I ask him to stop he wont listen and he is not like that during the day. So I talk with him every day and IF he does this then he loses privileges the next day and has to take a nap and he doesn't like that. It seems to be working.

I use this strategy too! It works well for the kids 3+ as they fully understand yesterday/tomorrow. I also think it's a good way to teach the kids that their behaviors (both good and bad) follows them.

[nannyde]

BTW my background is in psychology, play therapy, and I am a mom.

Could you be more specific on what "background" means? What degrees do you hold?

I had to read your post quite a few times to try to figure out what points you were trying to make. Reading it multiple times didn't help. Could you be more specific on what you believe should happen when a child becomes violent, disruptive, refuses to follow house rules and intentionally breaks them when they are otherwise nonviolent, disruptive etc. when the parent is not on site?

Tell us what to do when a child slaps his mother across the face, scratches her neck, and kicks her and then takes off across the room rendering a path of destruction along the way? Tell us what we are to do to protect the other children from WITNESSING his/her violence and behavior that they do not see when the child is in care and the parent is not present.

Remember we can't do one to one care of said child at drop off because we have to tend to the group and prepare for the departure of the remaining children.

Your vast education and knowledge could offer us SPECIFIC tools of words and actions. We actually don't need to understand why the child does it. We just need to know how to fix it.

[Unregistered]

Daycare Mom

So I am on the opposite here and have the 3 year old boy that acts this way when I pick him up from preschool. Please help me figure out how to get him to listen to myself and the teacher when it’s time for us to leave. He would rather run around the classroom and down the hallway (it’s a school setting) instead of walking to the door and car with me. HELP!!!

[Blackcat31]

So I am on the opposite here and have the 3 year old boy that acts this way when I pick him up from preschool. Please help me figure out how to get him to listen to myself and the teacher when it’s time for us to leave. He would rather run around the classroom and down the hallway (it’s a school setting) instead of walking to the door and car with me. HELP!!!

What types of consequences do you enforce when he does this? Does he fully understand yours (and the teachers) expectations of behavior or is he behaving as the others do? Is pick up at preschool the only time he does not listen to you and runs amok?

[daycarediva]

I would 1. tell him at drop off what you expect to happen at pick up. 2. remind him of that conversation when you arrive 3. have a consequence for NOT listening 4. give him choices

"Do you want to walk down the hallway or hold my hand?"

If all else fails...

"X is not a choice. I see you are having a hard time listening so I will take your hand (even pick you up if need be!) and help you leave nicely."

[Unregistered]

I would 1. tell him at drop off what you expect to happen at pick up. 2. remind him of that conversation when you arrive 3. have a consequence for NOT listening 4. give him choices

"Do you want to walk down the hallway or hold my hand?"

If all else fails...

"X is not a choice. I see you are having a hard time listening so I will take your hand (even pick you up if need be!) and help you leave nicely."

I’ve done the choices and have said the part about having to pick him up to help him leave nicely and it ends in him screaming and kicking while I’m carrying him away and it’s definitely not just school where he runs amok. He does it at home and other public places too and never wants to listen to me. That leads me to yelling and feeling bad. This all just started a couple of months ago when he turned 3 and I haven’t been consistent 24/7 so I know it’s my fault too. But I’ve finally had enough and want to help him (and myself) know how to act properly.

[Mom2Two]

I’ve done the choices and have said the part about having to pick him up to help him leave nicely and it ends in him screaming and kicking while I’m carrying him away and it’s definitely not just school where he runs amok. He does it at home and other public places too and never wants to listen to me. That leads me to yelling and feeling bad. This all just started a couple of months ago when he turned 3 and I haven’t been consistent 24/7 so I know it’s my fault too. But I’ve finally had enough and want to help him (and myself) know how to act properly.

Three years old can be a rough age. DS was an angel when he was two but not so much at three.

About the daycare one, is there anyway you could (humbly, respectfully) ask the provider for help? Meaning, I'm sure that your child is not the only one who does this. Maybe gate off the pick up area?

Personally, when possible, I act as a physical barrier for those who like to sprint off. I joke that they are only going "One Direction" just like boy band.

In the stores, I gave DS a choice between behaving and staying close or riding in the cart. I had once or twice when I had to leave my cart and just take him out to the car, but for the most part it worked.

It sure can get exhausting, though, to constantly have these power struggles with kids!

[Blackcat31]

I’ve done the choices and have said the part about having to pick him up to help him leave nicely and it ends in him screaming and kicking while I’m carrying him away and it’s definitely not just school where he runs amok. He does it at home and other public places too and never wants to listen to me. That leads me to yelling and feeling bad. This all just started a couple of months ago when he turned 3 and I haven’t been consistent 24/7 so I know it’s my fault too. But I’ve finally had enough and want to help him (and myself) know how to act properly.

My son was very much like that at 3. My daughter was so good about listening and not running off that I just didn't understand why my son didn't "get it" too.....

When we went places both my kids got a reward for listening and behaving.... IF they did. My daughter got a $1 and she'd buy a Little Golden book. My son also had the opportunity to earn a $1 (he would buy a Matchbox car) but usually within 10 minutes of entering a store, he was darting off or touching things etc... and then lose his reward. It got to the point that I don't think he even bothered to try any more.

Then one day I approached the whole "do X and get Y" a different way....Instead of making my son EARN his reward, I gave it to him ahead of time (10 dimes) and explained that every time I had to remind him of the rules or redirect him he had to pay me 1 dime. IF he had any money left at the end of the shopping trip, he could buy something. If he didn't have enough left over, he couldn't bay anything and had to save the remaining dimes for his piggy bank at home.

It worked perfectly! happyface happyface

Basically some kids operate by rewarding and some kids operate by consequence but bottom line was no matter the method of teaching the results were the same; compliance.

So now your role as parent is to figure out your child's currency. Once you have figured that out, you have figured out the answer. Unfortunately it's different for everyone but you can do it.... The great news is those kids that are sometimes the hardest, teach us the most.

Hang in there.... Parenting is tough. :hug:

[Unregistered]

My son was very much like that at 3. My daughter was so good about listening and not running off that I just didn't understand why my son didn't "get it" too.....

When we went places both my kids got a reward for listening and behaving.... IF they did. My daughter got a $1 and she'd buy a Little Golden book. My son also had the opportunity to earn a $1 (he would buy a Matchbox car) but usually within 10 minutes of entering a store, he was darting off or touching things etc... and then lose his reward. It got to the point that I don't think he even bothered to try any more.

Then one day I approached the whole "do X and get Y" a different way....Instead of making my son EARN his reward, I gave it to him ahead of time (10 dimes) and explained that every time I had to remind him of the rules or redirect him he had to pay me 1 dime. IF he had any money left at the end of the shopping trip, he could buy something. If he didn't have enough left over, he couldn't bay anything and had to save the remaining dimes for his piggy bank at home.

It worked perfectly! happyface happyface

Basically some kids operate by rewarding and some kids operate by consequence but bottom line was no matter the method of teaching the results were the same; compliance.

So now your role as parent is to figure out your child's currency. Once you have figured that out, you have figured out the answer. Unfortunately it's different for everyone but you can do it.... The great news is those kids that are sometimes the hardest, teach us the most.

Hang in there.... Parenting is tough. :hug:

Yeah I’ll have to figure out what works for him bc as of right now nothing has. I was one of those kids where my mom just had to look at me a certain way and I would straighten up so I don’t relate to my sons behavior at all. I also have a 6 year old daughter. She’s very strong willed but definitely not defiant like my son. I just want to raise kind,respectful kids.

[Unregistered]

My son was very much like that at 3. My daughter was so good about listening and not running off that I just didn't understand why my son didn't "get it" too.....

When we went places both my kids got a reward for listening and behaving.... IF they did. My daughter got a $1 and she'd buy a Little Golden book. My son also had the opportunity to earn a $1 (he would buy a Matchbox car) but usually within 10 minutes of entering a store, he was darting off or touching things etc... and then lose his reward. It got to the point that I don't think he even bothered to try any more.

Then one day I approached the whole "do X and get Y" a different way....Instead of making my son EARN his reward, I gave it to him ahead of time (10 dimes) and explained that every time I had to remind him of the rules or redirect him he had to pay me 1 dime. IF he had any money left at the end of the shopping trip, he could buy something. If he didn't have enough left over, he couldn't bay anything and had to save the remaining dimes for his piggy bank at home.

It worked perfectly! happyface happyface

Basically some kids operate by rewarding and some kids operate by consequence but bottom line was no matter the method of teaching the results were the same; compliance.

So now your role as parent is to figure out your child's currency. Once you have figured that out, you have figured out the answer. Unfortunately it's different for everyone but you can do it.... The great news is those kids that are sometimes the hardest, teach us the most.

Hang in there.... Parenting is tough. :hug:

Like just now, I picked him up from preschool and my daughter was with me as well. It’s raining very hard and is already dark here at 5:00pm so I stopped them at the door on our way out, got down on their level to let them know that we need to walk right to our doors and get in. My DD did as she was told. My DS ran up and down the sidewalk with me telling him the car was about to leave. I was finally able to get close to him to carry him to the car while telling him that since he couldn’t walk right to the car like he was told, he had to be carried. He cried and kicked. I made sure he understood before we left the building that he was to walk and he said yes ma’am. My heart hurts right now.

[Blackcat31]

Like just now, I picked him up from preschool and my daughter was with me as well. It’s raining very hard and is already dark here at 5:00pm so I stopped them at the door on our way out, got down on their level to let them know that we need to walk right to our doors and get in. My DD did as she was told. My DS ran up and down the sidewalk with me telling him the car was about to leave. I was finally able to get close to him to carry him to the car while telling him that since he couldn’t walk right to the car like he was told, he had to be carried. He cried and kicked. I made sure he understood before we left the building that he was to walk and he said yes ma’am. My heart hurts right now.

:hug: I’m sorry.
Parenting IS hard and no one ever promised it wouldn’t hurt sometimes

But now you know.
He isn’t going to walk to the car unassisted without running off. Hold his hand from now on (grip it tightly... it’s a safety issue ) and walk him directly to the car at pick up.

You don’t need to explain in detail or discuss at length. Just firmly and matter of factly tell him he is not allowed to walk unassisted to the car as he does not listen. Rinse and repeat.

When he begins to show responsibility and compliance in other areas of life (non-safety issues) then you’ll be able to expect the same from him as you can of your daughter.

He’s capable.
He simply needs to be taught in an alternate method.

Important thing is you just keep trying until you find the method that works.