Advice: Not Paying Mortgage

[Unregistered]

I have heard this same old story time and again. Sadly to say sounds like he is already checking out of the marriage and is separating himself from his responsibilities.

[laceylmm]

Thank you all for the advice. I really don't see him changing. No matter what I say he puts it all on me and says I don't care that much or I'd help him. Gave me a list of all his bills and how he doesn't have enough to pay them...everything he pays is on the verge of getting shut off he obviously isn't paying it. His only response is that if I cared so much I'd fix it.

The only reason I haven't taken over mortgage and given him the rest of the bills is because he would do the exact same thing except then it would be multiple bills tht he would be juggling and paying te bare minimum of. With something always on the verge of getting cut off. I'd gladly cancel the cable (he's the only one that watches as he can't live with ESPN) but cable and cells are in his name. Everything else is in my name.

Not trying to make excuses. He is a very narcissistic person.

[EntropyControlSpecialist]

Prayer can change his heart.
A church might be able to help you with your mortgage this month. Do bills together...you write a check and so does he to mail out.

[Crazy8]

Yikes! :hug:

Best thing my husband and I ever did was go through Fiancial Peace University. We learned to work together on our finances - and everything else for that matter...

reading the OP and my first thought was "what would Dave Ramsey say about this". There is so much more to this than just not paying the mortgage, I would seek marriage counseling either together or by yourself. Personally I couldn't stay in a marriage where we didn't work together to pay all of OUR bills - there is no yours/mine in a healthy marriage (imo).

[Karena]

Wow!

I'm so sorry!

I think you need to arrange for someone to take care of your kids for a couple hours tonight, take your dh somewhere private, and confront him. Then, you need to say something like "how are WE going to fix this?"

It's time to open the books. You need to have all paychecks direct deposited to your joint account, and sit down TOGETHER and pay the bills each month. Call your bank, and make an appointment, for opening a new account, setting up a payment plan, and direct deposit (the mortgage loan officer will help you with this). I wouldn't throw DH under the bus, though. I'd go with there was a miscommunication between you two, and you'd like to fix this. So, you would like to work together with the bank to catch up the mortgage. Believe me, they DON'T want your house back, and they will normally work with you.

So..begs the question, where IS the money going? I'm sure you're wondering that yourself.

Right on the money Heidi!

[butterfly]

Prayer can change his heart.
A church might be able to help you with your mortgage this month. Do bills together...you write a check and so does he to mail out.

lovethis

[EntropyControlSpecialist]

reading the OP and my first thought was "what would Dave Ramsey say about this". There is so much more to this than just not paying the mortgage, I would seek marriage counseling either together or by yourself. Personally I couldn't stay in a marriage where we didn't work together to pay all of OUR bills - there is no yours/mine in a healthy marriage (imo).

I am saying this kindly to you, so please don't take it as harsh.

But, every marriage will not be healthy through the entire duration of it, unfortunately. I wish that weren't true, but it is. I have lived through some really difficult times. Times that made me say I couldn't stay in the marriage. However, I am a Christian and made a covenant. A covenant that cannot be broken, in God's eyes, no matter what I do or what he does. Trying to discover where the money is going will do no good, if I am being completely honest with you. It won't stop his bad spending habits. It won't turn his cold heart away from not helping you/taking care of his family. Only prayer will... www.marriagedivorce.com has more info. about what the Bible says concerning that.

I wish I could even tell the OP that Financial Peace University can completely change a person or make their marriage all better financially but it didn't for mine. We did that prior to many of the catastrophes that happened. I am now in charge of paying bills and the bank account.

[Margarete]

Thank you all for the advice. I really don't see him changing. No matter what I say he puts it all on me and says I don't care that much or I'd help him. Gave me a list of all his bills and how he doesn't have enough to pay them...everything he pays is on the verge of getting shut off he obviously isn't paying it. His only response is that if I cared so much I'd fix it. .....

.

... so you do care, and it doesn't seem like he wants to budget and figure this all out.
Perhaps suggest that his entire income go to you, and then you can allocate money for his needs (and some wants, once you have some more breathing room). If he doesn't want to budget, and talk to you about it, then take over.... Is that what he wants? It may be... I would try to get him to get some input into what his allocation is.
I'm the one who budgets in our house. Everything is combined, but I'm the one who sorts out how our expenses go, figuring out short and long term savings, etc... I update him, and let him know what kind of flexibility we have, and that's how he prefers it. He does have input into priorities, I'm the one who does the number crunching.

[Crazy8]

I am saying this kindly to you, so please don't take it as harsh.

But, every marriage will not be healthy through the entire duration of it, unfortunately. I wish that weren't true, but it is. I have lived through some really difficult times. Times that made me say I couldn't stay in the marriage. However, I am a Christian and made a covenant. A covenant that cannot be broken, in God's eyes, no matter what I do or what he does. Trying to discover where the money is going will do no good, if I am being completely honest with you. It won't stop his bad spending habits. It won't turn his cold heart away from not helping you/taking care of his family. Only prayer will... www.marriagedivorce.com has more info. about what the Bible says concerning that.

I wish I could even tell the OP that Financial Peace University can completely change a person or make their marriage all better financially but it didn't for mine. We did that prior to many of the catastrophes that happened. I am now in charge of paying bills and the bank account.

I am not taking your post as harsh but think you are misreading mine… I never said every marriage is always healthy, in 16 years of marriage I have had ups and downs as well but all I was saying in my post was that living the separate his/mine and one (him in this case) not giving a darn what the other is doing is not going to result in a healthy marriage even once the mortgage is caught up.

I am not very religious and I do not pray, but I have a very healthy, strong, loving marriage. So, on the flip side, you don't need prayer to have that. You need love and respect and it sounds like the OP's marriage is lacking that.

[Margarete]

Some people are not good, or don't enjoy budgeting, and sorting out finances (or managing the home, doing yard work, home repair or a number of other tasks it takes to make a household run smoothly). It just is what it is. Usually they aren't being irresponsible with it on purpose, or to be hurtful. It sounds as if he is just really bad at it... and it may not be something he wants to work on. when someone feels they are being attacked, getting defensive is a pretty normal reaction.
My suggestion... but I don't know all of the dynamics of your personal relationship.... would be to come at it from a "how can I help, and how can we make this work". If finances isn't something he wants to work on, or work on together, you handling all of the finances seems like it would be the way to go. It may actually be a relief to him... and you can help to save some of the joint income for some of his bigger expenses and wants... including things like car repairs, new tires, maybe a vacation once you are back on track.
Good luck with getting back on track with finances, and each other!

[Unregistered]

Thank you all for the advice. I really don't see him changing. No matter what I say he puts it all on me and says I don't care that much or I'd help him. Gave me a list of all his bills and how he doesn't have enough to pay them...everything he pays is on the verge of getting shut off he obviously isn't paying it. His only response is that if I cared so much I'd fix it.

The only reason I haven't taken over mortgage and given him the rest of the bills is because he would do the exact same thing except then it would be multiple bills tht he would be juggling and paying te bare minimum of. With something always on the verge of getting cut off. I'd gladly cancel the cable (he's the only one that watches as he can't live with ESPN) but cable and cells are in his name. Everything else is in my name.

Not trying to make excuses. He is a very narcissistic person.

I am a member but logged out so I would not feel embarrassed over my situation. I have been married for 20 years. Around 10 years ago, I had reached my boiling point with hubby about money...much like your situation he had poor budgeting skills....I would get calls for bounced checks, etc. Paid over $2000 twice to cover him....After the second time, I sent my kids to my moms and laid down the law.....you reap what you sow.....I told him he could not handle money and if our marriage was going to work all funds would go into our checking account....I fill his vehicle up with gas once a week, give him x amount of cash and buy groceries where he can take his lunch. Oddly, this works. It is like he needed/respected my taking control and helping. Occasionally over the past few years, he will get a little frustrated but I remind him this is the ONLY way it will work. I wished I had done it sooner. There are moments I fee hubby and I are only co-exisiting in the house, but I do take my vows seriously and he is wonderful with everything else, just CANNOT make good/rational decisions about many things especially money. He even will ask now before he buys anything.....I don't like feeling like a mother-hen but we married for better or worse! I am, by far, not perfect so he picks up the pieces where I fail so I owe him the same in return! These are just my thoughts. Good luck to you!

[Michael]

Pushing the post back up to the top.

[countrymom]

Yikes! :hug:

Best thing my husband and I ever did was go through Fiancial Peace University. We learned to work together on our finances - and everything else for that matter...

I second this. I love dave ramsey. And I really really recommend his program.

[Annalee]

I second this. I love dave ramsey. And I really really recommend his program.

I think Dave Ramsey has some wonderful ideas. BUT my banker told me that Dave Ramsey had filed bankruptcy 3 times....so I guess it is easier to tell someone what to do than it is to actually do it.

[countrymom]

so you can fix this in several ways.
1. you can take over the finances
2. set up automatic withdrawl out of both accounts
3. go to the bank
4. call the mortgage company and ask what you can do