Is There Anything I Can Say - or Just Keep Ignoring It

[DancingQueen]

I have a dad of an 18 month of dcg who started with me mid August.

Dad has on several occasions said "oh she's picking up hitting from _______"

or yesterday when my daughter leaned over the side of the couch to climb on to it during his pick up time (which I do NOT allow btw and dd was spoken to about it in front of him) he said "ahhhhh so THAT is where she picked up that lovely habbit. She just started doing that on our furniture and we don't allow it"

all I said was "I don't either" (which was clear because I had already spoken to my dd)

my dd likes to hold my hands and climb up my body and do a sommersault of sorts - she wanted to show this dc dad that she could do this. The minute she started he said - "___________ (his dd) don't look - we don't need you picking up bad habbits"


So the yesterday when he picked up she also screamed at the top of her lungs (girly loud screech!) which he instantly told her "no" I said "oh good - I have been telling her 'no' too when she does that"

He said "i wonder where she picked THAT one up from" and pointed at my dd. (now he did say that one with a smile but still pissed me off)

I responded by saying "nope - I'm pretty sure she picked that up just by being a girl" and I said it with a smile but I'm starting to get incredibly annoyed.

Is there anything that I can bother to say about this or just completely ignore him?

[SilverSabre25]

Ugh! That would make me so mad. It really sounds like this set of parents think their child is a perfect angel and that anything "undesirable" they may do must be "corruption" from someone else's "little devil". Wow.

It also sounds like they have very little concept of child development and what's developmentally appropriate! Climbing, screaming, hitting...those are all perfectly normal 18 month things that would happen whether she was around other children or not. Their expectations sound a bit unrealistic too...it's not a "bad habit" if a child does the somersault thing--that's fun!

Unfortunately, I don't know if there's much you *can* say, except maybe smile and say, "No, that's just what 18 month olds do!"

[DancingQueen]

I should ad that mom drops off and dad picks up
mom has NEVER said anything like this at all

[missnikki]

Do not let this go. It is rude, condescending and disrespectful to you and your family!

If I were you I would speak to him immediately at the next opportunity. It would go something like this:

ME: I have a concern I need to discuss with you. It seems that you are noticing some behaviors in your DD that you do not like to see. I can tell you from my experience that those behaviors aer normal and can be expected at this age. I want to assure you that it is our practice here to curb those issues and prevent them from happening.

DD: blah blah blame blame blah...

ME: I understand your concerns, I share them too. The PROBLEM here is not the behaviors, it is the attitude I get from you about the things she has learned. I can't help but notice that you are quick to blame and judge the other children, including my own. This makes me very uncomfortable to say the least- especially when you say these things to her in front of me. Clearly she is a sponge and picks things up so quickly. I would hate to see her learn to put people down so rudely. Perhaps in the future, you can bring up your concerns to me in private, so that we both can help her grow up to be the well behaved child you expect her to be.

DD: blah blah...derp...OK.

[melskids]

oh i would say something too.

i had one grandma who blamed "the boys" for her grandaughter learning how to burp and fart. which, btw, i am on top of and dont allow. meanwhile her precious grandaughter ( 7 years old and knowing better) was lifting up her dress to show the boys her panties. you better believe i said something to her....

[Lucy]

Next time I would sort of lift an eyebrow, pause, and say, "Do you really think she learned that here??" Then the next time it happened, I would start getting defensive ... but in a nice way. I would say, "Oh, come on John. She would have done that whether she was around my dcg or not. That's just what kids do!". I'd say it in a sort of teasing, playful way - but hopefully he would catch a clue. Then the next time I would say, "Geez John, do you think I purposely TEACH them to do things?" and I would laugh afterward to take the edge off and not make it sound harsh, but the message would hopefully get through nonetheless. I guess I'm what you might call Passive Aggressive --- whatever works!!!

[DancingQueen]

thank you for your input everyone.
i guess I've ignored it too much if it is bothering me this much.
and I too am quite passive agressive and my comment about her screeching because she is a girl and not because she is around my dd was me saying something about it...LOL

[Live and Learn]

Joyce is right!!

[laundrymom]

I would comment as soon as he makes his next comment,..
him.... oh I see where she is learning things,...
you,.... yes, well I think they are all learning things together, thats what happens in childcare and it really is starting to upset me that you think every undesirable behavior is a direct result of the atmosphere at my home. I think your child is a normal inquisitive busy 18 month old who is learning about her world. And I feel like you think Im introducing behaviors to her that are harming her development. When the truth is, I am allowing her to explore her world and learn how to have a fun time and realize where the boundaries are,.. Im not teaching her to blame others, or to belittle people.

then do the stare.

he will either trip overhimself apologizing to you,.. and not do it anymore,.. or return with his views... either way you are getting it out in the open. you have to. dont hide your feelings because you are uncomfortable about his reaction.

[QualiTcare]

if you don't want to approach him directly, maybe you can keep this poem (which i LOVE!) handy and next time he makes a comment you can say, "oh yeah, i found a poem i thought was so funny i meant to give (insert mom's name) this morning. i thought you 2 would get a laugh from it - it's so true!....or whatever. here it is:

The Toddler’s Creed

If it is on, I must turn it off.
If it is off, I must turn it on.
If it is folded, I must unfold it.
If it is a liquid, it must be shaken, then spilled.
If it a solid, it must be crumbled, chewed or smeared.
If it is high, it must be reached.
If it is shelved, it must be unshelved.
If it is pointed, it must be run with at top speed.
If it has leaves, they must be picked.
If it is plugged, it must be unplugged.
If it is not trash, it must be thrown away.
If it is in the trash, it must be removed, inspected, and thrown on the floor.
If it is closed, it must be opened.
If it does not open, it must be screamed at.
If it has drawers, they must be rifled.
If it is a pencil, it must write on the refrigerator, monitor, or table.
If it is full, it will be more interesting emptied.
If it is empty, it will be more interesting full.
If it is a pile of dirt, it must be laid upon.
If it is stroller, it must under no circumstances be ridden in without protest. It must be pushed by me instead.
If it has a flat surface, it must be banged upon.
If Mommy's hands are full, I must be carried.
If Mommy is in a hurry and wants to carry me, I must walk alone.
If it is paper, it must be torn.
If it has buttons, they must be pressed.
If the volume is low, it must go high.
If it is toilet paper, it must be unrolled on the floor.
If it is a drawer, it must be pulled upon.
If it is a toothbrush, it must be inserted into my mouth.
If it has a faucet, it must be turned on at full force.
If it is a phone, I must talk to it.
If it is a bug, it must be swallowed.
If it doesn't stay on my spoon, it must be dropped on the floor.
If it is not food, it must be tasted.
If it is food, it must not be tasted.
If it is dry, it must be made wet with drool, milk, or toilet water.
If it is a carseat, it must be protested with an arched back.
If it is Mommy (or Daddy), it must be hugged.
I am toddler!

then maybe you could ask mom the following morning if she got to see it.....and say something like, I think (insert dad's name) feels like dcg is picking up a lot of bad habits here, but most of what she's doing is typical toddler behavior....or something like that. maybe that'll open the door for a conversation to clear the air.

[TGT09]

I'm not sure what to say to him but I would definitely not keep quiet about it. Those acquisations are very hurtful to you and your dd. Not acceptable.

[nannyde]

Well I'll give you one thing. You have me stumped. I've never ran into this before because I don't allow my child around the day care parents and I don't allow the day care parents around the other day care kids.

My gut reaction would be to start pointing out any behavior his child does that could expose the other children and enlist him to assist you in working with her so she doesn't spread that behavior to the other kids.

Provider: I really need to talk to you Dad. Little Missy has been throwing her food from her tray to the floor and I just don't know what to do about it. I'm so worried that the other kids are going to see her do it and start doing it too. I know how you feel about any untoward behavior being passed from one child to the next in my care and I simply can't get her to stop doing it.

I really need to talk to you Dad. Little Missy has been tossing toys very hard into the toy box and I just don't know what to do about it. None of the other kids EVER do this and I'm VERY worried that they are going to see and hear her do it and start doing it too. I can't have the broken toys and I can't have the noise. I know how you feel about any behavior being spread from one kid to the next here. Can you work with her to get her to stop doing that?

Next day... She's still tossing her food on the floor and the toys into the toy box and guess what... Little Johnny copied her and HE'S doing it too. You guys have got to really really work with her on it. We can't have bad behavior like this spreading.

And on and on... Just start pointing out her behavior. Stake your claim that no one is has done it in your home so she is the carrier of it into your home. Tell them you need them to get her to stop it... and then let them know when what they are doing is not working.

Do it a lot... every day... do it for weeks. Make sure you show concern for the bad behavior exposure to the other kids.

Once he's on the receiving end of trying to fix normal kid public behavior then he might be a bit more tolerant of what his kid is exposed to.

I don't have this because my son isn't allowed to have any interaction with my clients. From the time he was walking on he's been banished from arrivals and departures. He never comes into the room and he knows he would be severely punished if he ever spoke to one of my clients. I have kept him completely separate from my business from day one.

I also don't allow the parents to interact with the other day care kids. The only time they ever see the other kids is if they are arriving or departing at the same time. I've always tried to keep the parents as unattached from the other kids as I could possibly do. I don't discuss the other kids with the parents unless it is to discuss their child's position in the GROUP of kids. I don't do any discussion specifically about other kids.

Maybe try to back him away from your other kids and your kid as much as possible.

Hopefully someone will come along that allows parental contact with their children and the day care kids to give you specific advice.

[Blackcat31]

I say go with what missnikki said. It is direct and to the point. Anything else is just ***** footing around the subject. We are the voice for our children(dck and our own) and when we say things with hidden agendas all kinds of other stuff happens. Just tell him you have a concern, address it and tell him you do not wish for it to continue...just as missnikki said. Her suggestion is spot on in my opinion.

[QualiTcare]

I say go with what missnikki said. It is direct and to the point. Anything else is just ***** footing around the subject. We are the voice for our children(dck and our own) and when we say things with hidden agendas all kinds of other stuff happens. Just tell him you have a concern, address it and tell him you do not wish for it to continue...just as missnikki said. Her suggestion is spot on in my opinion.

i agree too. i wouldn't be able to KEEP myself from saying something. but some people have a hard time confronting others. so IF she can't come out and say something bluntly she can still get the point across. otherwise, she'll have to listen to this idiot forever.

[ninosqueridos]

I just want to say I have one of these dcp's, too. Every negative thing must have been because of so-and-so (usually my ds!). It is said jokingly but I know this parent seriously believes it couldn't from his very own. I never say anything though but probably will say something jokingly right back next time.

nannyde How in the world could you keep your kids away from dcp's? My dcps know a LOT about the other kids in my care as they see them ALL everyday?! I work alone and have one entrance.....my daycare area is close to the door (gated off). I try to keep my mouth shut about OTHER dck's but it's so hard when dcp's are just bluntly noticing things and asking questions about the others.....I think they mean well but just curious how you are able to separate everything....