OT, Logged Out - My Own Child

[Play Care]

I
** I did read the Family Circle article and I thought the author made a really good point about calling ahead (checking with the loss prevention dept if they have one) to make sure the incident will be handled properly before going in with her. If it really is her first time shoplifting, as much as I'd want her to learn a lesson, I wouldn't want her to end up being arrested or have her chances of being accepted into college or hired for a job in the future to be affected.

Many stores have a zero tolerance policy for shoplifting, which means even a first offense gets prosecuted. I know a local grocery store that had a 9 year old arrested for shop lifting (water gun) and he got probation.

I never shoplifted, because I knew I'd get in big trouble at home (and I was more afraid of my parents then I was of the police )

[Play Care]

I am very sorry you are going through this. I would like to respond to some of the replies I am seeing.
1. Stealing is not normal behavior. This young lady is plenty old enough to know taking things from others is wrong. I am not OK with trying to make you feel better by telling you that a 14 year old shouldn't know better.
2. She absolutely needs to take the product, the funds to pay for it and a letter of apology and go in person to see the manager. An appointment is a good idea so that she isn't catching him at a busy time. The letter should include an offer of some kind of restitution beyond paying for the product, such as sweeping his parking lot every Saturday for 8 weeks, or doing community service in the store's name at a local homeless shelter for 20-30 hours. Do not give her the money to pay for the product, make her earn it through chores, and explain to her that the store owner will have to work to earn the money to replace every item that is stolen from his store, so she is taking money that should go to feed his family.
3. In addition I am a big advocate of learning why things are wrong, and I would make her do the research and write a paper on the costs of shoplifting nationwide. I would ask for it to include at least 6 relevant points, including the penalties for shoplifting in your state.
4. I would inventory her room while she was at school weekly for a while.
5. The second time it happened, my daughter would come home to find all of her belongings gone except a bed. I would explain to her that she needed to know how it feels to have your belongings taken, and she would have to earn them back with chores, just as that store owner would have to work to replace the inventory she stole.
6. No matter what, make it clear to your daughter that although you don't like the poor choices she is making you do love her, and you want her to go through life caring about others and choosing to do the right thing.

[Unregistered]

First of all, OP, you are not a bad parent. The fact that you are dealing with this at all makes you an involved parent and that is half the battle.

Second of all, I think that you pointed out something very important when you said that she gets no allowance and that her dad buys her everything.

Ask yourself how you would feel if none of your dcp's actually paid you, but instead paid your bills, bought you groceries, and showed up with clothes that they thought you would like and tickets to events you might be interested in. Now ask yourself this: Would you just be happy that you are working and in turn everyone is just "giving you everything you want," or would you rather be trusted to make your own decisions about what to do with your money?

In no way am I saying that it is yours or dad's fault that she shoplifted, but if no one is putting any trust in your daughter to handle herself financially, how is she ever going to learn?

I would have a talk with dad, then a talk with her AND dad, and make an agreement that instead of him just throwing money at her, she gets a set weekly amount and is expected to do X amount of chores in return. If she wants extra money, she does extra chores or earns the money outside of the home by babysitting or lawn work or something like that.

I've seen some other good suggestions from pp's about how to deal with the shoplifting itself. I agree that you shouldn't humiliate her or potentially ruin things for her future by marching her down to the store to return the item and apologize. Would you want someone to march you down to the police station and make you turn yourself in for the time that you went 7 miles over the speed limit and didn't get pulled over? I'm not condoning the shoplifting, but if she seems truly sorry and you believe she won't do it again I think that researching the legal consequences of shoplifting and giving her consequences at home is a great idea. Perhaps have her earn the money to pay for the item, and MAIL a letter of apology anonymously with the payment once she earns it.

Now, if she does it AGAIN, I would absolutely make her turn herself in, in person.

[TwinKristi]

Second of all, I think that you pointed out something very important when you said that she gets no allowance and that her dad buys her everything.


In no way am I saying that it is yours or dad's fault that she shoplifted, but if no
one is putting any trust in your daughter to handle herself financially, how is she ever going to learn?

These are two BIG parts IMO! I also asked if she had her own money to buy this. The fact that she didn't may be part of why she did this. It doesn't make it ok, but it explains her line of thinking. She has to ask her dad for this expensive hair product and if he says no and mom says "well your dad buys you everything!" So she really has no way of deciding for herself. Maybe instead of cash you two can agree to give her so much money on a gift card for Target, CVS, Walmart, etc to spend on herself. At this age appearance is important to them and they should be allowed to make choices for themselves. Giving her a gift card will help teach her budgeting and making her money last all month.

But I do agree there needs to be some kind of big deal made here with this choice. She made a mistake and needs to learn from this. I don't know that having a criminal record or being labeled a thief really helps, but paying it back plus some extra work should be part of it.