OT, Logged Out - My Own Child

[Unregistered]

I have a daughter who is 14, almost 15. Normally she is a really well behaved child. She is an ok student, she tries, but has to try very hard to get just ok grades.

Her father and I split many years ago, she is a daddy's girl and he buys her everything she wants.

Recently I have been seeing somethings that I know dad has not bought her nor have I. One of the things in question was some very expensive hair product ($20.00 about) that she had in her room. I asked where it came from she said her Dad bought if for her. IT was a product that was not good for her hair so I questioned dad about it. He said he did not buy it for her.

Turns out she shoplifted it from a local store. I am jaw dropped, hurt and lost. I told her what she did was very wrong and that today after school she will go to the store, tell them what she did and return it. Of course she freaked out and begged me not to. I don't know what to do here. Also she told me that this was the one and only thing she has ever taken.

I have no experience on what to do with something like this. I want my daughter to learn her lesson, suffer consequences, but I don't know if I am going about it the right way.

I feel I am a very truthful and trusting person. I feel guilty if I throw a plastic bottle in the regular trashcan praying no one say me do it.

please help with some advise. AND if you only want to put down my parenting, please move on.

Good people make mistakes too. I just need help making sure this stays a mistake and does not happen again....

advise....WWYD?

[cheerfuldom]

I feel that punishments should not include humiliation. I think that a letter to the store with an apology and payment of the item would be best as well as not allowing her into that store again. I am assuming she used the item and they wouldn't want it back anyway. you might cut the barcode off though so they can still scan it with the payment. I personally think that taking her in and having her in front of an audience (whoever may be over hearing plus the manager or whoever) is more humiliating than a consequence. She needs to understand that she has lost your trust and she needs to pay for the item herself. If she just gets allowance as the only way to have money, I would make her do chores to earn the $20 from you.

I realize that others may disagree with my thought on punishment but for a child/teen that is truly sorry, I think the best course of action is repayment without humiliation as well as natural consequence (not being allowed to go to that store anymore).

[Cat Herder]

Believe it or not this is actually normal developmentally appropriate behavior.

Unwanted behavior, sure, but VERY common in girls.

Yes, it could build into something if left unchecked but it sounds like you are on top of it.

Is there maybe a popular Queen Bee that she is trying to befriend?

Watch "Mean Girls" with her... watch her squirm.

Then talk with Dad to come up with a discipline plan you will both enforce.

You got this.

Maybe have her read this: (page 2 especially)

http://www.familycircle.com/teen/parenting/discipline/teen-shoplifting/

[preschoolteacher]

I agree that it is so normal for teen girls. My best friends stole often. I stole some cheap dime store rings once and felt so guilty I never wore them and later gave them away. We were "good kids." Part of it is pressure to look good, I bet she's starting to feel that. Maybe talk to her about ways to earn money--babysitting? You can look online for cheap homemade recipes for hair and beauty products that she can make herself, too.

[daycarediva]

I feel that punishments should not include humiliation. I think that a letter to the store with an apology and payment of the item would be best as well as not allowing her into that store again. I am assuming she used the item and they wouldn't want it back anyway. you might cut the barcode off though so they can still scan it with the payment. I personally think that taking her in and having her in front of an audience (whoever may be over hearing plus the manager or whoever) is more humiliating than a consequence. She needs to understand that she has lost your trust and she needs to pay for the item herself. If she just gets allowance as the only way to have money, I would make her do chores to earn the $20 from you.

I realize that others may disagree with my thought on punishment but for a child/teen that is truly sorry, I think the best course of action is repayment without humiliation as well as natural consequence (not being allowed to go to that store anymore).

I agree. I LOATHE those humiliating, bullying, Facebook/social media posts about teens.

I have a 14, almost 15yo daughter. Good kid, but she does her fair share of developmentally normal teen rebellion. At her age, I was smoking pot, drinking, having sex, staying out all hours and was on probation (called pins -person in need of supervision)

My dd skipped gym last week. She was so freaked when the phone rang and it was the school (about Ds-unrelated) that she fessed up.

I think having her send a letter with payment is perfect. My dd is a ap honors student. She is grounded from her cell for a week, and did the detention from school as well.

[Blackcat31]

What does dad say?

Does he know?

[Starburst]

Recently I have been seeing somethings that I know dad has not bought her nor have I. One of the things in question was some very expensive hair product ($20.00 about) that she had in her room. I asked where it came from she said her Dad bought if for her. IT was a product that was not good for her hair so I questioned dad about it. He said he did not buy it for her.

Turns out she shoplifted it from a local store. I am jaw dropped, hurt and lost. I told her what she did was very wrong and that today after school she will go to the store, tell them what she did and return it. Of course she freaked out and begged me not to. I don't know what to do here. Also she told me that this was the one and only thing she has ever taken.

Personally, I actually think that is the right thing to do. Humiliation might seem tough (some psychologist might even consider public humiliation cruel) but it's effective and she most likely would not do it again to avoid that humiliation. There was one time when I worked at an arts and crafts store a woman made her little girl (about 3 or 4 at the time) tell me and one of my co-workers that she stole a little wooden figurine (probably only worth about $0.25) and that she was sorry and won't do it again. She was crying because she was embarrassed, but because she was little and returned the item unharmed we didn't say anything to the managers (over a $0.25 item) and just let it go. Or you can do the letter thing Cheer said and ground her and/or take it out of her allowance.

It could be worst than just telling the manager she stole it. You could have said that she would have to wear a sign outside of that store for 3 hours that says "I shoplifted a $20 item from this store and this is my punishment- it wasn't worth it!" (I'm not saying you should do that I'm just saying that it could be even worst- I had friends who said their moms threatened to do that if they found out they shoplifted from a store). Though, if you do follow through with her telling the store just be aware that (from their point of view) she isn't a little kid, they could possibly press charges (possible time in juvie), fine her (aka you/your ex) for what the item is worth plus up to $500 (or even $1000), and/or even ban her from the store for life (if it's in the mall, maybe even the whole mall).

There was actually a judge in Texas who instead of doing jail time and wasting the taxpayers money for small offences like this (even for some big offenses like driving drunk and killing someone plus jail time), he would actually require them to do the sign thing at the scene of the insident and a psychologist said that humiliation was even worst than prison because in prision you are annoymous to the public but that with public humiliation your whole brain chemistry changes and it has the same affects as physical abuse on the brain. But I think the signs are more extreme than telling the manager or a worker- since they are the only ones who would know about it instead of the whole city.

[sharlan]

This is my opinion..........

I would have HER call the manager of the store and make an appointment to see him/her. I would go in with her and let her explain to the manager what she did and offer to pay for the product. Let the manager explain to her what shoplifting costs the stores every year and how prices are increased to cover the loss - we pay more.

How would you feel if a daycare child took an expensive toy home and broke it? I am sure that you would expect the child and parent come forward and tell you what happened.

IMHO, by letting her write an anonymous letter to the store is just sweeping it under the rug. I would be ticked if a dcp sent me an anonymous letter in the mail with money in it. That would only teach the child that there's no repercussion for their actions.

[Cradle2crayons]

This is my opinion..........

I would have HER call the manager of the store and make an appointment to see him/her. I would go in with her and let her explain to the manager what she did and offer to pay for the product. Let the manager explain to her what shoplifting costs the stores every year and how prices are increased to cover the loss - we pay more.

How would you feel if a daycare child took an expensive toy home and broke it? I am sure that you would expect the child and parent come forward and tell you what happened.

IMHO, by letting her write an anonymous letter to the store is just sweeping it under the rug. I would be ticked if a dcp sent me an anonymous letter in the mail with money in it. That would only teach the child that there's no repercussion for their actions.

and lovethis

I don't agree with using humiliation to discipline a child. But she isn't four. She's almost an adult. And she needs a show stopping consequence.

I think speaking with the manager privately is a great idea and compromise.

In this case I'm not even thinking of the punishment being humiliation. I think you are showing her about accepting personal responsibility and teaching her a lot about doing the RIGHT THING.

So I would focus on teaching her the next right thing and not focus on humiliation because that isn't the point of why she should speak with the manager.

[sharlan]

I feel very strong about shoplifting and I'll tell you why.

My "borrowed" grandson was caught several times by his mom shoplifting little things - candy bar, magazines at the grocery store, etc. She kept "talking" to him about, never telling the dad (like he would do anything anyways).

Fast forward a couple of years and he got caught walking out of Target with a bluetooth, something his mom would have bought him with no questions asked. He was arrested and charged with a felony because of the cost of the bluetooth. It cost his parents over $5k in legal fees. He suffered no consequences other than the 10 hours he sat in jail.

Fast forward a couple more years. Someone stole my dh's ATM card out of his wallet that he kept hidden in his truck. I caught it within minutes of $300 taken out of our checking account at two different stores. We immediately called the police never suspecting our grandson. There is nothing in this world that we have that we wouldn't haven't given him.

Two days later I get a call from the police who tell us that they checked the video from one of the stores. My heart sunk when the officer gave me a description. I immediately called my friend and told her what we suspected. She was shocked. We met with the parents that night who wanted us to drop charges and they would reimburse us.

I said we would try to have the charges dropped, but he had 24 hours to face us in person and set up a payment plan. If he didn't show up, we would press charges all the way. He showed up the next day, confessed, and told us he was bored and wanted to do something exciting. He had the cash to pay us back, but I refused and set up a payment plan where he had to show up every Friday for 7 weeks, face us, and sign that he had made a payment.

I spent an hour on the phone with the police the next day. The detective agreed to drop it, but flag our grandson's name so that if he got in any type of trouble over the next 3 years, they would file the charges.

I explained to our grandson and his parents that it was now totally out of my hands. But if he screwed up, he was headed to jail as they had video of both him and his car.

I think if my friend had taken a harder stance with him from the beginning, it would have saved them a lot of money and heartache.

[TwinKristi]

This is my opinion..........

I would have HER call the manager of the store and make an appointment to see him/her. I would go in with her and let her explain to the manager what she did and offer to pay for the product. Let the manager explain to her what shoplifting costs the stores every year and how prices are increased to cover the loss - we pay more.

How would you feel if a daycare child took an expensive toy home and broke it? I am sure that you would expect the child and parent come forward and tell you what happened.

IMHO, by letting her write an anonymous letter to the store is just sweeping it under the rug. I would be ticked if a dcp sent me an anonymous letter in the mail with money in it. That would only teach the child that there's no repercussion for their actions.

I agree with this part, I think it's a little too nice and anonymous and essentially she's getting away with a crime. What if it was $100? Would the dollar amount change your feelings on how you handle it?

I strongly feel teaching children/teens that stealing is VERY wrong sets a precedence for them in the future. Does she have $20 of her own money she could have used? Did she have the money and chose to steal it for the thrill? Did she have friends with her?
I will admit when I was a teen I stole things. It was really stupid and I'm sure it's very normal but my parents never found out so I eventually just had my own money and knew at 18 if I got caught it would be a MUCH bigger deal than at 15-16. We have always taught our kids that something you steal is not yours and will always be a reminder of your crime. When you work for the money you spend on that item you will feel good about it and cherish it.
My best friend stole from Wal Mart when she was 18 and got arrested and later released, fined and was never allowed to be in the store again! She never stole again, that was enough to teach her a good lesson!

[Unregistered]

thanks so much

thanks for responding. I really never knew that this was any sense of normal. I have never and would never dream of stealing anything, not even as a child.

I do think that sitting down face to face with the matter sounds fair as opposed to the other. I never thought about the fact that it would be publicly humiliating for her.

I am going to have her read the article too. I hope that this is the last time that this ever happens again.

As for money, I doubt she had any. I don't give her an allowance because of the fact that daddy buys her everything she wants for no reason. To me that is what she does her chores and other work for. She came home from school freaking out that I was going to do that , but I think I am going to do what sharlan said and go that route.

thanks somuch all of you

[Michael]

Personally, I actually think that is the right thing to do. Humiliation might seem tough (some psychologist might even consider public humiliation cruel) but it's effective and she most likely would not do it again to avoid that humiliation. There was one time when I worked at an arts and crafts store a woman made her little girl (about 3 or 4 at the time) tell me and one of my co-workers that she stole a little wooden figurine (probably only worth about $0.25) and that she was sorry and won't do it again. She was crying because she was embarrassed, but because she was little and returned the item unharmed we didn't say anything to the managers (over a $0.25 item) and just let it go. Or you can do the letter thing Cheer said and ground her and/or take it out of her allowance.

It could be worst than just telling the manager she stole it. You could have said that she would have to wear a sign outside of that store for 3 hours that says "I shoplifted a $20 item from this store and this is my punishment- it wasn't worth it!" (I'm not saying you should do that I'm just saying that it could be even worst- I had friends who said their moms threatened to do that if they found out they shoplifted from a store). Though, if you do follow through with her telling the store just be aware that (from their point of view) she isn't a little kid, they could possibly press charges (possible time in juvie), fine her (aka you/your ex) for what the item is worth plus up to $500 (or even $1000), and/or even ban her from the store for life (if it's in the mall, maybe even the whole mall).

There was actually a judge in Texas who instead of doing jail time and wasting the taxpayers money for small offences like this (even for some big offenses like driving drunk and killing someone plus jail time), he would actually require them to do the sign thing at the scene of the insident and a psychologist said that humiliation was even worst than prison because in prision you are annoymous to the public but that with public humiliation your whole brain chemistry changes and it has the same affects as physical abuse on the brain. But I think the signs are more extreme than telling the manager or a worker- since they are the only ones who would know about it instead of the whole city.

I agree. I would make her work for the $20 and have her go to the store and pay for the stolen item. It may be harsh but that is what I would do. I have a 14 yo daughter that will be 15 this month. I would think she has friends that are also doing this.

[e.j.]

I told her what she did was very wrong and that today after school she will go to the store, tell them what she did and return it.....WWYD?

It's a hard decision but I would do the same. You don't know for sure if this was the only thing she's ever taken but you do want to make sure it's the last. I'm not crazy about the public humiliation punishments where kids are forced to stand out on a public street but making them take responsibility for their actions and making things right by apologizing and offering to pay for it makes sense to me. She'll live through the embarrassment and hopefully, it will make enough of an impression on her to keep her from being tempted to shoplift again.

** I did read the Family Circle article and I thought the author made a really good point about calling ahead (checking with the loss prevention dept if they have one) to make sure the incident will be handled properly before going in with her. If it really is her first time shoplifting, as much as I'd want her to learn a lesson, I wouldn't want her to end up being arrested or have her chances of being accepted into college or hired for a job in the future to be affected.

[bloominggenius]

Wow

I am very sorry you are going through this. I would like to respond to some of the replies I am seeing.
1. Stealing is not normal behavior. This young lady is plenty old enough to know taking things from others is wrong. I am not OK with trying to make you feel better by telling you that a 14 year old shouldn't know better.
2. She absolutely needs to take the product, the funds to pay for it and a letter of apology and go in person to see the manager. An appointment is a good idea so that she isn't catching him at a busy time. The letter should include an offer of some kind of restitution beyond paying for the product, such as sweeping his parking lot every Saturday for 8 weeks, or doing community service in the store's name at a local homeless shelter for 20-30 hours. Do not give her the money to pay for the product, make her earn it through chores, and explain to her that the store owner will have to work to earn the money to replace every item that is stolen from his store, so she is taking money that should go to feed his family.
3. In addition I am a big advocate of learning why things are wrong, and I would make her do the research and write a paper on the costs of shoplifting nationwide. I would ask for it to include at least 6 relevant points, including the penalties for shoplifting in your state.
4. I would inventory her room while she was at school weekly for a while.
5. The second time it happened, my daughter would come home to find all of her belongings gone except a bed. I would explain to her that she needed to know how it feels to have your belongings taken, and she would have to earn them back with chores, just as that store owner would have to work to replace the inventory she stole.
6. No matter what, make it clear to your daughter that although you don't like the poor choices she is making you do love her, and you want her to go through life caring about others and choosing to do the right thing.