OT-Am I Wrong?

[Kabob]

My mom would totally understand if I kept my son home for misbehaving because he knew he was going to grandma's house...and she lives another state away so that would be an extra special treat taken away.

That being said, I wouldn't deny her the option of coming here to visit my son and there's no reason why she can't...in fact it's easier for her to visit than for me to visit...

So again OP has to do what's best for her situation and we don't have all the details and we don't know her family personally. Even if we did, it is still her decision. It's hard enough being a parent without your own family questioning everything you do...I have dh's family still antagonizing me for doing or not doing certain things with my son and it doesn't help me become a better parent...it just stresses me out and ruins the relationship with his family.

[Laurel]

I am not a grandma, but I am an aunt and my neph stays nearly every wknd with us so I always get the end of his punishment if he needs it because my house is his favorite thing to do. I respect his parents for being consistent. As for my own sons, I take the ipads.....they LOVE ipads. Behavior is much better when they can have their ipads. ::

I vote for the ipads or something similar. Not fair to have grandma be a 'consequence' when they were no way involved in the situation.

Laurel

[daycarediva]

Spud you did the right thing.

I think I might have gone even further and not only removed her visit to grandma's house but would probably give her an earlier bed time or another form of punishment as well.

No Valentine's candy either.

Parenting is hard. You did the right thing. lovethis

ITA!

Also, if you say yes now, you are just giving in and she will try it again next time. Your word is your word.

I REALLY have learned to think a LONG time about the consequence to something and NOT do it instantly or out of anger.

My Mom takes my youngest two once a week for the evening or for the night. They LOVE IT, and look forward to it all week but the behavior when they come home..... We actually had a MEETING with my parents and my kids to say if it continues to be an issue, they can't come. The kids made up rules for Nonna's house, and they come home better behaved.

[Annalee]

I vote for the ipads or something similar. Not fair to have grandma be a 'consequence' when they were no way involved in the situation.

Laurel

Maybe....but each child is different and I think the best punishment is taking away what they like most...otherwise it is NOT punishment. My brother and his wife are VERY consistent and I admire that. Sure, it hurts me, but since I have kids of my own, I totally understand how difficult it is to parent. I wish there was a book that we could use....::

[Kabob]

I vote for the ipads or something similar. Not fair to have grandma be a 'consequence' when they were no way involved in the situation.

Laurel

I see it as a consequence for mom and dad too...I would totally love some alone time with dh and so taking away a trip to grandma's would also punish us...just my perspective. Again, I don't assume to know her situation but I just feel the need to throw my ideas out there...

[melilley]

I see it as a consequence for mom and dad too...I would totally love some alone time with dh and so taking away a trip to grandma's would also punish us...just my perspective. Again, I don't assume to know her situation but I just feel the need to throw my ideas out there...

[Laurel]

My mom would totally understand if I kept my son home for misbehaving because he knew he was going to grandma's house...and she lives another state away so that would be an extra special treat taken away.

That being said, I wouldn't deny her the option of coming here to visit my son and there's no reason why she can't...in fact it's easier for her to visit than for me to visit...

So again OP has to do what's best for her situation and we don't have all the details and we don't know her family personally. Even if we did, it is still her decision. It's hard enough being a parent without your own family questioning everything you do...I have dh's family still antagonizing me for doing or not doing certain things with my son and it doesn't help me become a better parent...it just stresses me out and ruins the relationship with his family.

Well if my children did it with my grandchildren, I'd let it slide once or twice. After that, I'd say something but in a nice way.

Usually when my grandchildren come I have something definitely planned. With my granddaughter I had canvases and paint as she likes art and we were planning a 'painting day'. I would feel cheated if something she did the night before prevented her from doing that. It isn't like I can see them as often now that they are in school and have their own lives.

Just something to think about.

Not to mention the numerous times I take them 'on the spur of the moment' so mom can have some time for herself. It is a two way street.

You can bet I'd also talk to her about her bad night and back up the consequences her parents decided on. I just don't think that consequence should involve ME.

Laurel

[Laurel]

Maybe....but each child is different and I think the best punishment is taking away what they like most...otherwise it is NOT punishment. My brother and his wife are VERY consistent and I admire that. Sure, it hurts me, but since I have kids of my own, I totally understand how difficult it is to parent. I wish there was a book that we could use....::

I'm sure there is more than one thing they like. If the child in question would have done the same thing when grandma was out of town for the week on vacation surely there would have been another alternative for a consequence. I doubt mom would have said "Well when grandma gets back next week, you're not going to her house for doing this." ::

I know what it feels like to be a parent too. I raised 3 children.

Laurel

[Annalee]

I see it as a consequence for mom and dad too...I would totally love some alone time with dh and so taking away a trip to grandma's would also punish us...just my perspective. Again, I don't assume to know her situation but I just feel the need to throw my ideas out there...

BUT, we are the parents and our wants should always come behind the betterment of our children. I can understand every point made in these posts, but I guess I am just old-fashioned when it comes to accountability/responsibility. It is so easy today to just do what YOU want to do no matter the consequences. I fear the next generation will possibly be worse....kind of scary to me as a parent..... Whether it be in schools, places of employment, etc., NO ONE is accountable....there is always a REASON I did this or YOU made me do it. Whatever happened to ME being accountable for my OWN actions! Just my thoughts!

[Kabob]

BUT, we are the parents and our wants should always come behind the betterment of our children. I can understand every point made in these posts, but I guess I am just old-fashioned when it comes to accountability/responsibility. It is so easy today to just do what YOU want to do no matter the consequences. I fear the next generation will possibly be worse....kind of scary to me as a parent..... Whether it be in schools, places of employment, etc., NO ONE is accountable....there is always a REASON I did this or YOU made me do it. Whatever happened to ME being accountable for my OWN actions! Just my thoughts!

That's what I'm saying. Not punishing a child because it "punishes" the parents or extended family only hurts the child in the long run. Short term it is not fun to listen to the crying or missing out on time with each other but long term you'll have a child that has difficulty with facing consequences. I understand that it's not fun for you to have to cancel your plans, Laurel, but I see this as a short term consequence. Plus, I'm sure your child really appreciates the time you spend with your grandchild so she can do her own thing...so I can't see a parent taking that time away from the grandparent unless it is really necessary because it is no fun for anyone. I wonder what kind of grandparent I'll be just because I know it's going to be so hard for me to bite my tongue and let my kids choose their parenting style...I'd be upset too if I missed out on family time because my grandchild did something the night before...but I'm not a grandparent so the best I can do is offer my experience as a daughter and mother. I can understand everyone's point of view...I just felt that we should support OP in her decision as again it is hard parenting especially when the consequences affect the entire family...she sounded to me like she did what she thought was best even though she and her mom are the ones that have to suffer along with her daughter.

[spud912]

Wow thanks for all the feedback! I totally respect all views, even those who said I was punishing grandma. That was partially why I felt guilty .... I know my mom looks forward to it almost as much as my dd and I know she had plans. Normally she would come to visit but she usually gets bombarded by the dck's and can hardly get some time with my dd. Plus, the plan was to take my dd with her to work for a 30 minutes or so to "show her off."

On the other hand, I really think it was ultimately the right choice. Everyone was essentially punished. Nobody slept well last night. Being that I'm pregnant and still suffering from morning sickness, the lack of sleep usually causes a whirlwind of bad symptoms the next day (and it has). Add to that dealing with my now over-tired dd who is a complete disaster when she lacks sleep (and she is). I didn't think it was fair to put that mess onto my mom either.

She has been having a bad couple of weeks in general and so our normal consequences have lost their strength because they have been on and off in use lately (it involves taking away her currently favorite toys). She has shown improvement the last few days so I thought a trip to grandmas would be a win win.....she would get rewarded with spoilage and I would get a break for a day and a half .

I know she usually comes home fairly ornery from my mom's so I thought it would be a bad idea to send her when she was already misbehaving (staying up late) and then only to get her back grumpy . That would be unfair to all of us at home and it wouldn't teach her any lessons.

Thanks again! On a good note, my mom wants to take her tomorrow and I have a fairly good feeling my dd will sleep well tonight! She is extremely remorseful. I can tell between the begging, profuse apologies, promises to be good and sleep good repeatedly, and an obvious attempt to curb her tired grumpies.

[Kabob]

Wow thanks for all the feedback! I totally respect all views, even those who said I was punishing grandma. That was partially why I felt guilty .... I know my mom looks forward to it almost as much as my dd and I know she had plans. Normally she would come to visit but she usually gets bombarded by the dck's and can hardly get some time with my dd. Plus, the plan was to take my dd with her to work for a 30 minutes or so to "show her off."

On the other hand, I really think it was ultimately the right choice. Everyone was essentially punished. Nobody slept well last night. Being that I'm pregnant and still suffering from morning sickness, the lack of sleep usually causes a whirlwind of bad symptoms the next day (and it has). Add to that dealing with my now over-tired dd who is a complete disaster when she lacks sleep (and she is). I didn't think it was fair to put that mess onto my mom either.

She has been having a bad couple of weeks in general and so our normal consequences have lost their strength because they have been on and off in use lately (it involves taking away her currently favorite toys). She has shown improvement the last few days so I thought a trip to grandmas would be a win win.....she would get rewarded with spoilage and I would get a break for a day and a half .

I know she usually comes home fairly ornery from my mom's so I thought it would be a bad idea to send her when she was already misbehaving (staying up late) and then only to get her back grumpy . That would be unfair to all of us at home and it wouldn't teach her any lessons.

Thanks again! On a good note, my mom wants to take her tomorrow and I have a fairly good feeling my dd will sleep well tonight! She is extremely remorseful. I can tell between the begging, profuse apologies, promises to be good and sleep good repeatedly, and an obvious attempt to curb her tired grumpies.

Sounds like you have your hands full! Glad it all is working out.

[Play Care]

I do think you are right Spud, but I also get Laurels point as well.

Now mom said no to the sleepover, she didn't say no to seeing grandma...

[TheGoodLife]

Spud you did the right thing.

I think I might have gone even further and not only removed her visit to grandma's house but would probably give her an earlier bed time or another form of punishment as well.

No Valentine's candy either.

Parenting is hard. You did the right thing. lovethis

Absolutely would o the same thing (have done exactly that before- my mom tried to change my mind, too ) If all parents would hold kids accountable we'd have a much different society! I know it's hard, but consequences are one of the best lessons we can teach our children.

[Blackcat31]

Thanks again! On a good note, my mom wants to take her tomorrow and I have a fairly good feeling my dd will sleep well tonight! She is extremely remorseful. I can tell between the begging, profuse apologies, promises to be good and sleep good repeatedly, and an obvious attempt to curb her tired grumpies.

Nice! I would have grandma take her another night too!

Plus, apologies and promises to behave do nothing for me.

SHOWING me those things though goes a long way to making amends.

Well done Spud!!

Those little tator tots you have will be keeping you on your toes for a few more years I bet!!