OT-Am I Wrong?

[spud912]

So my 4 yo dd spends the night at my mom's house once every couple of months. They are very close and love these visits. Well, we planned on her going tonight. Unfortunately, my dd was over-excited last night and was wired when we put her to bed at 8:30 pm. Over the next two hours, we kept having to tell her to go back to bed because she kept getting up. I went to bed at 10:30 pm and checked on our daughters on the way. My younger dd was asleep in her room and my older dd was laying quietly in bed. I figured...ok, she is on her way to dozing off finally. My dh was still awake doing work so I felt ok going to sleep.

Well, I get woken up at 1:00 am by my dh scolding my dd and her crying. Apparently, the entire time I was asleep, she got up repeatedly and snuck around. At some point, she purposely woke up my other daughter and got her involved in the getting up and sneaking around. I get up because I want to know what's happening. I find out that they got into the pantry and climbed up and got into the chocolate stash that was for Valentine's day. My younger dd got it all over her hands and managed to spread it all over her room (the dresser, her bed, the bedding, etc.). I had to clean for 30 minutes, calm my angry dh, and scold my daughters . So finally, she went to sleep around 1:45 am or so.

Well, I told her that she was not to go to grandma's house today. It is somewhat of a reward to her since she likes it so much, so I didn't want her to feel like she could misbehave so badly and still get to go to grandma's. My dh was absolutely adament that she does not go. Plus, she only had 6 hours of sleep. Well, she has been begging me all morning and my mom is giving me a guilt trip. Am I wrong for saying no?

[Annalee]

So my 4 yo dd spends the night at my mom's house once every couple of months. They are very close and love these visits. Well, we planned on her going tonight. Unfortunately, my dd was over-excited last night and was wired when we put her to bed at 8:30 pm. Over the next two hours, we kept having to tell her to go back to bed because she kept getting up. I went to bed at 10:30 pm and checked on our daughters on the way. My younger dd was asleep in her room and my older dd was laying quietly in bed. I figured...ok, she is on her way to dozing off finally. My dh was still awake doing work so I felt ok going to sleep.

Well, I get woken up at 1:00 am by my dh scolding my dd and her crying. Apparently, the entire time I was asleep, she got up repeatedly and snuck around. At some point, she purposely woke up my other daughter and got her involved in the getting up and sneaking around. I get up because I want to know what's happening. I find out that they got into the pantry and climbed up and got into the chocolate stash that was for Valentine's day. My younger dd got it all over her hands and managed to spread it all over her room (the dresser, her bed, the bedding, etc.). I had to clean for 30 minutes, calm my angry dh, and scold my daughters . So finally, she went to sleep around 1:45 am or so.

Well, I told her that she was not to go to grandma's house today. It is somewhat of a reward to her since she likes it so much, so I didn't want her to feel like she could misbehave so badly and still get to go to grandma's. My dh was absolutely adament that she does not go. Plus, she only had 6 hours of sleep. Well, she has been begging me all morning and my mom is giving me a guilt trip. Am I wrong for saying no?

Personally, I think it is a wonderful choices/consequences action. I am a big accountability/responsibility person and feel that is lacking in society today with adults and children. Just my opinion, but you have my admiration.

[Kabob]

Why can't grandma come and visit? I would've also made dd help clean up her mess...that must have been so frustrating!

Really, it's up to you and dh how to parent. Your mom does not have a say in it. Once you choose a consequence, it's important to stick to it. It doesn't sound like you're being unreasonable if that is the reason why she was acting up to begin with...maybe removing the source of the drama will help her learn a lesson for next time she has a scheduled trip to grandma's.

I remember when I was 4 years old and I hid from my mom in a clothing store. I remember my mom frantically looking for me and how I thought it was SO funny that mommy got upset....until she found me (after calling the police) and simply took me straight home (no yelling, spanking, etc...just silence all the way home) and told me I would not be going shopping with her for a month. She was serious. Even though she had to wait for my dad to come home and watch me whenever she needed to go shopping, she refused to take me and would even take my brother instead. I never ever forgot that lesson and so never did it again. Lesson learned from my mom sticking to her chosen consequence for me.

[jenboo]

Personally, I think it is a wonderful choices/consequences action. I am a big accountability/responsibility person and feel that is lacking in society today with adults and children. Just my opinion, but you have my admiration.

[Meyou]

I think you did the right thing and I would tell grandma that you would appreciate support or silence...her choice.

[Blackcat31]

Spud you did the right thing.

I think I might have gone even further and not only removed her visit to grandma's house but would probably give her an earlier bed time or another form of punishment as well.

No Valentine's candy either.

Parenting is hard. You did the right thing. lovethis

[KidGrind]

You’re right in my opinion.

[sharlan]

I went to a class this weekend where the instructor said children should never be punished, never told "no, don't, can't", children don't misbehave, they make "mistakes", etc.

I disagreed with parts of it.

I totally think you are doing the right thing. Your 4 yo is old enough to know what she did was wrong and she needs to suffer the consequence. I also think that when you tell a child that they are not going to be allowed to do something fun because of their behavior, you have to stand firm to your word.

[jenboo]

I went to a class this weekend where the instructor said children should never be punished, never told "no, don't, can't", children don't misbehave, they make "mistakes", etc.

I disagreed with parts of it.

I totally think you are doing the right thing. Your 4 yo is old enough to know what she did was wrong and she needs to suffer the consequence. I also think that when you tell a child that they are not going to be allowed to do something fun because of their behavior, you have to stand firm to your word.

I worked at a center that was like this. 24 2yr olds and two teachers. Let me tell you, those kids knew we couldn't do anything about what they did. No telling them no, no consequences...these kids also ruled their homes.
I ended up walking out on the job (i only stayed long enough to close on the house we were buying). WORST. EXPERIENCE. EVER. i was so stressed out and the kids/rooms were out of control.
I believe that children will test boundaries and that they need to have consequences for their actions. Children need to be taught right and wrong. this is whats wrong with children/parents these days.
ok, end rant.
OP, I think you made a great decision. DD needs to know that when she doesn't listen/ behave there will be consequences.

[KIDZRMYBIZ]

OP, of course you were right! If your child is unhappy occasionally, and you feel like a total meanie, then you know you are being a GREAT parent. Grandma knows it, too. Just make plans for another night very soon, and she will be pacified.

[llpa]

From a Grammie...

My children used to do this to me. I finally told them to please stop using my time w my grandkids to punish them. They are also punishing me. I think you should do what you feel best, of course. Just giving a diff perspective. My relationship w my grandkids is special. I have given them plenty of talking to's and plenty of time outs. I support my children even when I have to bite my tongue. But not in this way. I don't indulge the grandkids and would expect my grandchild to be respnsible for her actions. And to pay for that perhaps in some other way. But not by using our time together to do it. Hope you are all understanding if my perspective. I have learned a lot from you ladies! I realize I am the dissenting opinion here...yikes! But I had to say it

[Laurel]

My children used to do this to me. I finally told them to please stop using my time w my grandkids to punish them. They are also punishing me. I think you should do what you feel best, of course. Just giving a diff perspective. My relationship w my grandkids is special. I have given them plenty of talking to's and plenty of time outs. I support my children even when I have to bite my tongue. But not in this way. I don't indulge the grandkids and would expect my grandchild to be respnsible for her actions. And to pay for that perhaps in some other way. But not by using our time together to do it. Hope you are all understanding if my perspective. I have learned a lot from you ladies! I realize I am the dissenting opinion here...yikes! But I had to say it

Exactly what I was thinking, I'm a grandma too.

Laurel

[Laurel]

Also adding, her mischief had nothing to do with grandma so it does not seem an appropriate consequence.

There most definitely should be a consequence though.

Laurel

[Annalee]

Exactly what I was thinking, I'm a grandma too.

Laurel

I am not a grandma, but I am an aunt and my neph stays nearly every wknd with us so I always get the end of his punishment if he needs it because my house is his favorite thing to do. I respect his parents for being consistent. As for my own sons, I take the ipads.....they LOVE ipads. Behavior is much better when they can have their ipads. ::

[melilley]

I don't think you were wrong. I used to let my dd get away with everything and now sometimes I pay for it. I now am firm and stick to what the consequences are and it is hard, but if you let them get away with it, they will do it over and over.
My dd loves to go over to my sis's and mom's house. There were a few times when she was supposed to go, but I didn't let her because she was in trouble and it was hard, but hopefully she'll learn.

As for grandma, she can take her another day. She shouldn't be making you feel guilty. My mom does this to me too and will actually make up excuses as to why my dd did whatever it was that she did, but I've learned to say that I'm the parents and what I say goes.