Say You're Sorry. NOW!!!

[daycare]

I do think that some 2.5 year olds are too young to fully understand.

I would have handled it this way.

DCG 1, I can see that you are upset that your friend accidentally hurt you. I am sure that she did not mean to do that at all, did you friend? Let the friend respond.

Then I would say friend, DCG1 is very upset and her feelings are hurt, what do you think we can do to make her feel better. If they are not catching on, you can say, I think if we gave DCG1 a hug and said we were sorry, even if it was an accident, I think that will make her feel so much better. We don't want our friends to feel sad.

Now if FRIEND was not being so nice about the situation I might do this. Friend, how would you feel if DCG1 accidentally hit you, let them respond. Yeah, you are right, you would feel hurt or sad. So let's think about how DCG1 feels and lets make her feel better, I know it was an accident, but we don't want our friends to feel sad.

Even though they may not understand fully the entire situation above, at least it will show them what they need to do each and every time something like this happens ad they get older and they will have an idea, because they have been shown the proper way to handle it. the more we show them, the more they will understand it. AND we do the same. Like this morning I accidentally hit one of the kids with the reading book on the head because they were sitting too close. I was very quick to say, I am sorry billy, I did not mean to hit you with my book are you ok?

I think that kids understand a lot more than people give them credit for. Kids understand tears, crying, body language, hugging and words.

[Unregistered]

I do this. But, I'll also be honest and say that I DO teach kids to BOTH say they are sorry AND make it right. So I might have encouraged the child to say I'm sorry and had them get an ice pack or a favorite cuddly toy for the injured child. To me there is a world of difference between that and the usual image of the parent/provider telling the child "TELL TIMMY YOU ARE SORRY!" "SAY YOU ARE SORRY! YOU NEED TO SAY SORRY! YOU'LL SIT UNTIL YOU SAY SORRY!"

I think the whole "forced apology is a lie" line to be *somewhat* crapola. I also teach my kids to say "please" and "thank you" and "excuse me" I don't for one second believe a 2 or 3 yo really means it when they say "please" they are saying it to get what they want. Nor do I think they are truly grateful when they say "thank you" after they fact. They say it because it's expected.

I agree here.


I think that while they may not comprehend empathy, it has to be taught like anything else. This is why I said that an accidental act would warrant an apology. I would say "Oh, Suzie, you didn't mean to hit Jaelyn in the eye, can you say sorry please? " And if she didn't, I would then apologize on her behalf "Jaelyn, Suzie didn't mean to hit you in the eye, I know that she is very sorry." in FRONT of Suzie, so she sees #1 that it's OK and was an accident so she's not in trouble and that sorry is appropriate and #2 sees empathy and that it feels good to make her friend feel better.
And I'd also follow up with a hug.

I wouldn't just let it slide as though nothing happened, because then what lesson was learned by this clearly unintentional act? That you can accidentally hit someone and say....nothing? Empathy has to be taught and we gotta give credit to our young ones instead of saying they simply don't understand. Maybe they don't, but if you repeat the behavior enough, then they'll catch on one day without you having to intervene.

Telling the kid to say sorry "or else" Is NEVER a good idea.

[daycare]

I agree here.


I think that while they may not comprehend empathy, it has to be taught like anything else. This is why I said that an accidental act would warrant an apology. I would say "Oh, Suzie, you didn't mean to hit Jaelyn in the eye, can you say sorry please? " And if she didn't, I would then apologize on her behalf "Jaelyn, Suzie didn't mean to hit you in the eye, I know that she is very sorry." in FRONT of Suzie, so she sees #1 that it's OK and was an accident so she's not in trouble and that sorry is appropriate and #2 sees empathy and that it feels good to make her friend feel better.
And I'd also follow up with a hug.

I wouldn't just let it slide as though nothing happened, because then what lesson was learned by this clearly unintentional act? That you can accidentally hit someone and say....nothing? Empathy has to be taught and we gotta give credit to our young ones instead of saying they simply don't understand. Maybe they don't, but if you repeat the behavior enough, then they'll catch on one day without you having to intervene.

Telling the kid to say sorry "or else" Is NEVER a good idea.

I love this and agree 100% basically what I was trying to say, but couldn't.......hahahah

great job putting it into words....

[spinnymarie]

While I don't force apologies, I think in the accident-scenario, an apology is a basic form of politeness and it is expected.
I teach the kids to say, 'Ow, that hurt me Johnny' if they are hurt by someone, and the other person is to say 'Whoops! Sorry!'
If they are refusing to be polite, they can play by themselves for a while until they feel like using nice words, same as if they were being rude in any other context.
I agree that the little girl who was yelling would be taking a break until SHE could be kind to her friends as well (we've also had this problem in the past - the one who got hurt sometimes just can't get over it ).

[TheGoodLife]

I agree with this. "Fake it until you make it" sort of applies. They learn the words young, and the real meaning later. It's not like we know the magic age each child will understand the meaning. So, how would we choose when to teach it?

I agree! Manners are #1 here, and my own 18 month old will go and give a hug, kiss, and say sorry to her sister if they start to cry. My 4 year old will immediately apologize if she even THINKS she did something wrong. I teach it before their first birthday and stay consistent with it. They're far from perfect but I am told all the time that I have very polite children- and it means the world to me Start young and do it often, and the world would be much different! (But don't get me started on the lack of manners/responsibility/social behaviors of people today!)

[Hunni Bee]

I say "You need to go talk to Jimmy" or "you should go fix it". They choose what to say. Of course if its way off base, I coach.

Most of the time is "I'm sorry for ____", but sometimes its "excuse me" or "do you wanna go play" or just a hug.

If I have to coach I have them say "That was wrong and I'll try not to do it again". Forced "sorry" is a get-out-of-jail-free card.

[Play Care]

If I have to coach I have them say "That was wrong and I'll try not to do it again". Forced "sorry" is a get-out-of-jail-free card.

One of the "rules" in my home is that saying "sorry" doesn't mean it's over. We have to have *action* as well. And the "injured" child does NOT have to accept the "I'm sorry" or the action afterward - because in my care, children have the right be to upset when a friend injures them. And I don't allow "sorry" at all for purposeful injuries. A child who hits another child, for instance, is immediately separated from the group so that I can attend to the injured child.

One of the things that chaps my hide is when a provider says they don't believe in forced apologies but then insists the children HUG afterwards. (not saying you do, just a general pet peeve) Many of my kids want nothing to do with the child who just knocked them over, bumped them, etc. And that's their right. It's amusing that we won't insist the child observe social niceties (saying "I'm sorry, are you okay?" after an accident) but completely violate the child by insisting on TOUCH.

The OP asked how others handle apologies so I spoke to that in my OP, I do wonder if she had coached the one child to say "I'm sorry, are you okay? I didn't mean to do that!" if it would have completely ended the situation? Now, if the "injured" child continued to holler at the other girl then I would handle it exactly as nannyde does.

[Laurel]

I do this. But, I'll also be honest and say that I DO teach kids to BOTH say they are sorry AND make it right. So I might have encouraged the child to say I'm sorry and had them get an ice pack or a favorite cuddly toy for the injured child. To me there is a world of difference between that and the usual image of the parent/provider telling the child "TELL TIMMY YOU ARE SORRY!" "SAY YOU ARE SORRY! YOU NEED TO SAY SORRY! YOU'LL SIT UNTIL YOU SAY SORRY!"

I think the whole "forced apology is a lie" line to be *somewhat* crapola. I also teach my kids to say "please" and "thank you" and "excuse me" I don't for one second believe a 2 or 3 yo really means it when they say "please" they are saying it to get what they want. Nor do I think they are truly grateful when they say "thank you" after they fact. They say it because it's expected.

I don't think it is a lie either. We model all kinds of behaviors for the children to 'practice'.

[EntropyControlSpecialist]

I agree with Silver and Daycare Diva.

Kids don't understand apologies until they understand purposeful behavior and empathy.

Most are simply required to say it so they think it is necessary or even worse an excuse or free pass.....

I had one a few years ago who would hit and anytime he was given a consequence for it, he would say "But I said I was sorry" and then act confused as to why he was still getting a consequence.

I've had some like that to which I say, "Sorry doesn't make them feel better. SHOW me you're sorry by not doing it again."

[Blackcat31]

I've had some like that to which I say, "Sorry doesn't make them feel better. SHOW me you're sorry by not doing it again."

That is a line that was used often in my home.

"Don't just SAY you are sorry, SHOW me you are."

I find myself saying this to the DCK's too.

[crazydaycarelady]

I haven't had time to read all of the responses but I have taught the kids to say "sorry" in sign language. It is moving your right hand over your heart in a circle. Sometimes it is easier for a 1yo or a 2yo who is being stubborn to apologize this way. I think an apology is warranted even if it was an accident.

[Blackcat31]

I haven't had time to read all of the responses but I have taught the kids to say "sorry" in sign language. It is moving your right hand over your heart in a circle. Sometimes it is easier for a 1yo or a 2yo who is being stubborn to apologize this way. I think an apology is warranted even if it was an accident.

Open handed and the same sign is "please"

http://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=sign+language+for+please&qpvt=sign+language+for+please&FORM=VDRE#view=detail&mid=8CD506F1CC93AC7E9E2A8CD506F1CC93AC7E9E2A

Closed handed is "sorry"

http://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=sign+language+for+sorry&qs=n&form=QBVR&pq=sign+language+for+sorry&sc=8-18&sp=-1&sk=#view=detail&mid=4DD40FC9DF203AA2965C4DD40FC9DF203AA2965C

My kids all sign, please, thank you and sorry.

[DanielleS]

I teach 2.5-3 year olds in a preschool. We talk A LOT about using feeling words and being kind to friends. 4/11 of my kids have divorcing parents right now, so they are not really getting a lot of training on how to express themselves productively. We were having a lot of problems in class before this system was implemented. Now it's a lot better. They might not 100% understand what is happening, but they get the script and I think they like having words to use to help them. (I also don't force apologies, but I do actively encourage them)


Accidentally hurting someone- "I know that wasn't on purpose, but it would be nice of you to apologize to ________ since you hurt her. We are kind to our friends."

Yelling at someone- "We don't talk to people that way. Why don't you, calmly, tell so-and-so how you are feeling right now"
(We use "I" statements, so an appropriate response would be "It makes me feel angry that you hit me and didn't say sorry, even if it was an accident")
"Ok, so-and-so, do you think you should say sorry to your friend for accidentally hurting them?"

I am pretty strict with being disruptive and/or mean. I would have put the kid in time-out if they had yelled more than once. (once gets the warning "We don't speak that way to our friends" if they refuse to say what they feel calmly, "That's fine, but you are not allowed to yell at ______ if you do, you will go to time-out for yelling at a friend")

I also use the apologize and make it better. My kids have to say "I'm sorry for __________. What can I do to fix it?"


All of this takes a long time and sounds really tedious. It is. I am really big on it though.
My wiley little ms.bossy pants made my teacher heart smile when she stopped herself, mid-wail and said "I don't like it when you kick me because you're not doing the right thing! Please sit criss-cross!"

OT- Why do you hug when apologizing? Is it something I am missing? Maybe I'm a wierdo, but I really dislike that. Do you hug everyone you accidentally hit with a piece of corn? If I am mad at someone, and they apologize, I still might not want them touching me. Personal space is one of my pet peeves, we don't touch people's bodies without their permission in my class. I never want a kid to feel like they have to touch someone else, or let themselves be touched. Am I crazy for being totally squigged out by that whole scenario?

[Blackcat31]

OT- Why do you hug when apologizing? Is it something I am missing? Maybe I'm a wierdo, but I really dislike that. Do you hug everyone you accidentally hit with a piece of corn? If I am mad at someone, and they apologize, I still might not want them touching me. Personal space is one of my pet peeves, we don't touch people's bodies without their permission in my class. I never want a kid to feel like they have to touch someone else, or let themselves be touched. Am I crazy for being totally squigged out by that whole scenario?

LOL! :: I don't think you are a weirdo, I have a huge personal bubble of space too and don't think I'd be okay with others touching me every time they apologized.

I don't encourage my DCK's to hug or touch each other either.

Guess I never thought about it before but I don't find myself saying "Now give Johnny a hug".

[DanielleS]

LOL! :: I don't think you are a weirdo, I have a huge personal bubble of space too and don't think I'd be okay with others touching me every time they apologized.

I don't encourage my DCK's to hug or touch each other either.

Guess I never thought about it before but I don't find myself saying "Now give Johnny a hug".

Oh good! I am glad I am not the only one!

My background is elementary education and we don't EVER encourage children to touch each other. I have worked at a pre-school for about a year, and some teachers do the hug thing, but I feel like most of us don't. It was weird to read this thread and there were tons of "hugs" written in responses.