Say You're Sorry. NOW!!!

[ihop]

An issue arose today that had me wondering the "correct" way to approach.

Two dcgs, same age. 2.5yo.
Dcg1 accidentally hits Dcg2 in the face with plastic corn. Dcg2 has a major meltdown screaming that Dcg1 hit her. I told her that it was an accident and reminded Dcg1 to play carefully. Dcg2 would not let it go. She walked around yelling at Dcg1 telling her that she needed to say sorry. NOW!

I again told her that it was an accident and that she needed to speak nicely to Dcg1. By then the already over sensitive Dcg1 was a bawling mess.

I sat them down to lunch and moved on but I am wondering when is it appropriate to ask another child to apologize. And what do you do if they won't? Typically if something is intentional then they automatically do so there is no issue.

Dcg1 just didn't understand why she was being yelled at and didn't want to say sorry.

Any input?

[Unregistered]

An accident is an accident, and not an 'on purpose' so I would think dcg1 WOULD be sorry. If I stepped on your toe, for example, I would say "Oh, I am very sorry, are you ok?" because I didn't MEAN to step on your toe and WOULD be sorry, but I wouldn't be "punished" with a consequence, as it was an accident. I think simple apologies are in order when we do not intentionally seek out to harm someone.

As far as if she HAD intentionally sought out to harm someone, not only would an apology have been necessary, but a consequence AS WELL.

[SilverSabre25]

I don't force apologies, but I do suggest them. If the child won't say sorry, I apologize for them. "Sally, I think it would be good to say sorry to Kacey for hitting her. No? Okay. Kacey, I'm really sorry that Sally hit you. I can see that it really upset you. I think it was an accident. Hugs?"

To an older child I might say, "I know it was an accident, but it's still polite to apologize."

and when it's warranted (especially if the wrongdoer is really embarrassed themselves) I will ask, "Will you apologize, or shall I?"

I offer solutions like whispering in my ear for me to pass along, and things like that.

[daycarediva]

I don't force apologies, but I do suggest them. If the child won't say sorry, I apologize for them. "Sally, I think it would be good to say sorry to Kacey for hitting her. No? Okay. Kacey, I'm really sorry that Sally hit you. I can see that it really upset you. I think it was an accident. Hugs?"

To an older child I might say, "I know it was an accident, but it's still polite to apologize."

and when it's warranted (especially if the wrongdoer is really embarrassed themselves) I will ask, "Will you apologize, or shall I?"

I offer solutions like whispering in my ear for me to pass along, and things like that.

I do similar things.

My father always said "A forced apology is a lie."

[mountainside13]

I don't force apologies, but I do suggest them. If the child won't say sorry, I apologize for them. "Sally, I think it would be good to say sorry to Kacey for hitting her. No? Okay. Kacey, I'm really sorry that Sally hit you. I can see that it really upset you. I think it was an accident. Hugs?"

To an older child I might say, "I know it was an accident, but it's still polite to apologize."

and when it's warranted (especially if the wrongdoer is really embarrassed themselves) I will ask, "Will you apologize, or shall I?"

I offer solutions like whispering in my ear for me to pass along, and things like that.

I agree with Silver! Great solution!!

I do similar things.

My father always said "A forced apology is a lie."

Love that quote!!!

[Blackcat31]

I agree with Silver and Daycare Diva.

Kids don't understand apologies until they understand purposeful behavior and empathy.

Most are simply required to say it so they think it is necessary or even worse an excuse or free pass.....

I had one a few years ago who would hit and anytime he was given a consequence for it, he would say "But I said I was sorry" and then act confused as to why he was still getting a consequence.

[ihop]

Good advice.


Hmmm but a follow up question if I may....

What about the Sa siblings I was talking about who were being destructive at pick up. Mom had them write apology letters to me.

I truly doubt that they feel sorry for behaving that way. although I don't feel that they owed me an apology (just better behavior in the future) I do feel in the same situation, that I would have made my children apologize also. Whether they were sorry or not.

Are there ages or times in which you would make a child apologize? Even if they weren't sorry?

[Play Care]

I don't force apologies, but I do suggest them. If the child won't say sorry, I apologize for them. "Sally, I think it would be good to say sorry to Kacey for hitting her. No? Okay. Kacey, I'm really sorry that Sally hit you. I can see that it really upset you. I think it was an accident. Hugs?"

To an older child I might say, "I know it was an accident, but it's still polite to apologize."

and when it's warranted (especially if the wrongdoer is really embarrassed themselves) I will ask, "Will you apologize, or shall I?"

I offer solutions like whispering in my ear for me to pass along, and things like that.

I do this. But, I'll also be honest and say that I DO teach kids to BOTH say they are sorry AND make it right. So I might have encouraged the child to say I'm sorry and had them get an ice pack or a favorite cuddly toy for the injured child. To me there is a world of difference between that and the usual image of the parent/provider telling the child "TELL TIMMY YOU ARE SORRY!" "SAY YOU ARE SORRY! YOU NEED TO SAY SORRY! YOU'LL SIT UNTIL YOU SAY SORRY!"

I think the whole "forced apology is a lie" line to be *somewhat* crapola. I also teach my kids to say "please" and "thank you" and "excuse me" I don't for one second believe a 2 or 3 yo really means it when they say "please" they are saying it to get what they want. Nor do I think they are truly grateful when they say "thank you" after they fact. They say it because it's expected.

[nannyde]

2.5 years is way way too young to understand the concept of remorse. It is a word to them and it wouldn't mean anything more than any other combination of letters or sounds.

The problem I have with this is a 2.5 year old insisting ANYTHING of another kid. She would be separated and on her own the second she did that twice. I would tell her to STOP it and GO PLAY.

The issue you have is her yelling at another kid and repeatedly. That's not cool at ALL. The "say sorry" doesn't mean ANYTHING to me. The yelling repeatedly IS your problem.

[ihop]

2.5 years is way way too young to understand the concept of remorse. It is a word to them and it wouldn't mean anything more than any other combination of letters or sounds.

The problem I have with this is a 2.5 year old insisting ANYTHING of another kid. She would be separated and on her own the second she did that twice. I would tell her to STOP it and GO PLAY.

The issue you have is her yelling at another kid and repeatedly. That's not cool at ALL. The "say sorry" doesn't mean ANYTHING to me. The yelling repeatedly IS your problem.

Yes I agree.... she spends a good deal of time playing in a separate area because she thinks she is in charge 99% of the time. (which is where she was yelling from) oh and when the child walks Way she yelled "get back here I am talking to you". Learned behavior I'm sure. Young parents on the verge of divorce more times then not.

I appreciate all of the feedback,

[spud912]

I do this. But, I'll also be honest and say that I DO teach kids to BOTH say they are sorry AND make it right. So I might have encouraged the child to say I'm sorry and had them get an ice pack or a favorite cuddly toy for the injured child. To me there is a world of difference between that and the usual image of the parent/provider telling the child "TELL TIMMY YOU ARE SORRY!" "SAY YOU ARE SORRY! YOU NEED TO SAY SORRY! YOU'LL SIT UNTIL YOU SAY SORRY!"

I think the whole "forced apology is a lie" line to be *somewhat* crapola. I also teach my kids to say "please" and "thank you" and "excuse me" I don't for one second believe a 2 or 3 yo really means it when they say "please" they are saying it to get what they want. Nor do I think they are truly grateful when they say "thank you" after they fact. They say it because it's expected.

I agree with this. I know it's unlikely that they understand, but I want to teach the children early that there are certain things that they *should* say for manners sake.

I also agree with nannyde in that I don't tolerate any child to tell another child what to do, especially when they are yelling commands.

[AmyLeigh]

I do this. But, I'll also be honest and say that I DO teach kids to BOTH say they are sorry AND make it right. So I might have encouraged the child to say I'm sorry and had them get an ice pack or a favorite cuddly toy for the injured child. To me there is a world of difference between that and the usual image of the parent/provider telling the child "TELL TIMMY YOU ARE SORRY!" "SAY YOU ARE SORRY! YOU NEED TO SAY SORRY! YOU'LL SIT UNTIL YOU SAY SORRY!"

I think the whole "forced apology is a lie" line to be *somewhat* crapola. I also teach my kids to say "please" and "thank you" and "excuse me" I don't for one second believe a 2 or 3 yo really means it when they say "please" they are saying it to get what they want. Nor do I think they are truly grateful when they say "thank you" after they fact. They say it because it's expected.

[Unregistered]

sorry if this is too long

I have children those ages too and it is very challenging, but all ages are challenging to me. I usually hug the child that was hurt. After they are calm, I talk about space and being careful. I never force an apologies but they don't hurt. Apologies are healing but so are hugs. But the children in my care need to know that a hug is not always helpful to everyone. Some children don't like hugs. It is so confusing for the kids so when they are that little, I might sometimes focus on letting go and moving on. Re-directing the anger is so helpful, lets go here and play here, or lets go out here and dance, do you want to dance with me? Re-directing to an activity that they like to do or even finding a cool down area. I have said, can you come with me and we can cool down and take some deep breaths together does seem to help. Also, a push toy, or even ripping some paper. Use your best judgement and what works for the children you care for.

Finding a healthy way to deal with anger is the best approach for everyone.

[Play Care]

An accident is an accident, and not an 'on purpose' so I would think dcg1 WOULD be sorry. If I stepped on your toe, for example, I would say "Oh, I am very sorry, are you ok?" because I didn't MEAN to step on your toe and WOULD be sorry, but I wouldn't be "punished" with a consequence, as it was an accident. I think simple apologies are in order when we do not intentionally seek out to harm someone.

As far as if she HAD intentionally sought out to harm someone, not only would an apology have been necessary, but a consequence AS WELL.

[Heidi]

I do this. But, I'll also be honest and say that I DO teach kids to BOTH say they are sorry AND make it right. So I might have encouraged the child to say I'm sorry and had them get an ice pack or a favorite cuddly toy for the injured child. To me there is a world of difference between that and the usual image of the parent/provider telling the child "TELL TIMMY YOU ARE SORRY!" "SAY YOU ARE SORRY! YOU NEED TO SAY SORRY! YOU'LL SIT UNTIL YOU SAY SORRY!"

I think the whole "forced apology is a lie" line to be *somewhat* crapola. I also teach my kids to say "please" and "thank you" and "excuse me" I don't for one second believe a 2 or 3 yo really means it when they say "please" they are saying it to get what they want. Nor do I think they are truly grateful when they say "thank you" after they fact. They say it because it's expected.

I agree with this. "Fake it until you make it" sort of applies. They learn the words young, and the real meaning later. It's not like we know the magic age each child will understand the meaning. So, how would we choose when to teach it?