DH Wants Me To Add More DCKs But I Don’t Want to :(

[SunshineMama]

Maybe instead of him watching you do daycare have him take over for a day/couple hours? Not to prove anything, just cuz you have an appt that you absolutely need to go to and have no sub (something like that so he doesn't think he is being tested!).

Just an idea on how you might be able to get it him to understand- although my honest opinion based just on your posts and my previous experiences I would say it isn't a matter of him "not understanding" how hard daycare is- it is him using that as an excuse to be selfish.

What I could do in your situation, with my personality and life experiences, is to tell him NO. NO you cannot take on more kids, NO you cannot work more hours, NO you cannot do XYZ.

Then tell him you ARE willing to cut out (insert whatever thing you do that is adding to the budget that is optional, that you are willing to give up. For example for me that would be going out to eat, I am willing to cut our out to eat costs from approx $75 a week to $25. For us that is a "me" cost since I am the cook, my hubby doesn't care what we eat and sometimes I don't want to cook!). That will remove however much (in my example $200 a month, 1/2 of 1 child's income) from the budget. Then leave it at that. You have already shown him how he can give things up to lower the budget. It would be obvious, without having to be said, that you have met him 1/2 way and if he really thinks you need the income from 1 more child he would need to cut 1/2 a child's income from your budget or make 1/2 a child's income more in added hours at work or another job. If he doesn't make those changes then so what? You already met him 1/2 way. If he brings up the issue again say that $'s saved are the same as $'s earned and you already cut your part of 1 child's income from your expenses

This makes so much sense to you and I He doesn't get the penny saved is a penny earned bit. Childcare for our 3 kids, with their driving needs and schedules in our area, would be about 30,000 a year, AFTER I paid taxes. I would have to have a salary of 38,000. Add what I bring in for daycare, which is about 25,000. So I would have to make 63,000 at a job, to still have the same quality of life we have now. And I also don't think you can put a price on caring for your own kids, and the extras they get by me staying home with them. When I tell him this, he says, yeah, but its not the same as if you made that much at a job. Really??? He is very smart, about to go to law school (more work for me on the home front), and cant get the math for some reason.

[Michelle]

The school that you drop off kids at.. do they have an elementary school too?
If they do, have you considered taking on a school aged child?
I take school age and they are wonderfully helpful especially with the babies.
They play with the babies and I even have a 13 year old girl sit in the recliner and feed babies. ( with parents permission)
It's important to get the right child because not all school age kids are a good fit.

Hugs to you, I know what you are going through
I had 5 children of my own 7 years old and under.
Sleep IS a luxury
:hug:

[Heidi]

This makes so much sense to you and I He doesn't get the penny saved is a penny earned bit. Childcare for our 3 kids, with their driving needs and schedules in our area, would be about 30,000 a year, AFTER I paid taxes. I would have to have a salary of 38,000. Add what I bring in for daycare, which is about 25,000. So I would have to make 63,000 at a job, to still have the same quality of life we have now. And I also don't think you can put a price on caring for your own kids, and the extras they get by me staying home with them. When I tell him this, he says, yeah, but its not the same as if you made that much at a job. Really??? He is very smart, about to go to law school (more work for me on the home front), and cant get the math for some reason.

Oh gee...

Is this a plot to one of those movies?

Seriously, you are working like a dog while he goes to law school and takes lunches with his buddies. Fast forward 5 years, and you're 30 pounds heavier, and have "let yourself go". Now, he's an attorney, and some young "thing" in the office catches his eye.

I'm kidding, but I'm not kidding. You are not doing yourself any favors by sacrificing your happiness for your husband or kids. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF, TOO. YOU ARE ALLOWED TO DO THAT!

I really, really, think you need to sit down together and negotiate what it is you both want from your marriage and finances. It's a hard, tough, awkward conversation to start, but you need to do it. Otherwise, you'll be having a whole other conversation in a few years, I guarantee it. How do I know? Because my first husband was sooooo much like yours. He had money for his hobbies, and made a big stink if I wanted even a little something or time for myself. I had kids to care for 16 hours a day, both ours and others, and he watched tv and played video games. He is now my EX husband! We had 4 kids; the youngest was 14 months old, but I could not spend another day with him. Now, we are friends...ish.


BC has it completely right...and she knows because she's been married for about a billion years. There needs to be mutual respect and negotiation. :hug: One thing I would negotiate for is an evening a week to yourself, where he takes care of the kiddos and you can go sit in Starbucks or whatever. Even if he ignores them completely, THEY WILL BE OK. He isn't you, and that's ok, too.

[SunshineMama]

Oh gee...

Is this a plot to one of those movies?

Seriously, you are working like a dog while he goes to law school and takes lunches with his buddies. Fast forward 5 years, and you're 30 pounds heavier, and have "let yourself go". Now, he's an attorney, and some young "thing" in the office catches his eye.

I'm kidding, but I'm not kidding. You are not doing yourself any favors by sacrificing your happiness for your husband or kids. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF, TOO. YOU ARE ALLOWED TO DO THAT!

I really, really, think you need to sit down together and negotiate what it is you both want from your marriage and finances. It's a hard, tough, awkward conversation to start, but you need to do it. Otherwise, you'll be having a whole other conversation in a few years, I guarantee it. How do I know? Because my first husband was sooooo much like yours. He had money for his hobbies, and made a big stink if I wanted even a little something or time for myself. I had kids to care for 16 hours a day, both ours and others, and he watched tv and played video games. He is now my EX husband! We had 4 kids; the youngest was 14 months old, but I could not spend another day with him. Now, we are friends...ish.


BC has it completely right...and she knows because she's been married for about a billion years. There needs to be mutual respect and negotiation. :hug: One thing I would negotiate for is an evening a week to yourself, where he takes care of the kiddos and you can go sit in Starbucks or whatever. Even if he ignores them completely, THEY WILL BE OK. He isn't you, and that's ok, too.

Wow. That is eye opening, and I think that you are probably right on the money. I just cancelled the interview for tonight.

[Heidi]

Wow. That is eye opening, and I think that you are probably right on the money. I just cancelled the interview for tonight.

I just want to clarify...my dh did work. It's just that he thought that this bringing home a paycheck and mowing the lawn once a week was the extent of his responsibilities as a husband and father.

We had dogs; he wanted them. Giant, dogs. The boys (9 & 11) had to clean up the yard after them.

He's into gaming/medieval stuff, comic books, etc. There was a sword collection, a comic book collection, and computers up the wazoo. The kitchen we had was from 1976, though.

It's not that he never did anything for me. But, it was always on HIS terms, not because I wanted it. He'd feel "generous" once in a while and do something for me, but if I asked for something (monetary or not), it was always "what do I get out of it?" Very much a control thing, to be honest.

If I wanted to go out with a friend or even to a meeting, he didn't say "you CANT go", but he made me pay for it with the silent treatment or other passive-aggressive things like refusing to tell me any details of how the evenings without me went. Or, he'd make snarky "did you have FUN?" comments.


Yeah..it was like that.

[Shell]

He can't possibly understand how difficult it is to run a home daycare, care for your own kids around the clock, and keep the house clean, meals cooked, etc. Believe me, I understand, and am in a similar situation. You can't take on any more kids -you have so much going on, and yet you manage -it 's too much for him to expect more. You are not a sahm, you are a wahm and it is so much more challenging than just siitting on your computer all day. He's going to have to understand that you know your limits and he needs to respect that. I wouldn't even leave it open for debate. :hug:

[MotherNature]

Rather than tell him this scenario or that one, why not just ask him to trust what you are saying.

You do NOT want another child in the mix.

If you are happy and managing right now and adding another child to the mix would make it 10x worse, tell him he simply HAS to trust that you are doing the right thing.

Your own children deserve a mother who has the mental and physical energy to spend quality time with them after hours and asking you to take on more is like asking your children to take the short end of it.

Tell him HE needs to look at ways to cut money FIRST before he asks you to give more of YOU.

If he wants a happy wife, happy mother for his children, he should respect what his wife is trying to tell him and figure out another way around the issue at hand.

Stand your ground...your own mental health and physical health is MORE important than ANY amount of money. PERIOD.

[Unregistered]

I agree with Heidi.

It sounds to me like you like your husband more than you like yourself. Stand up for yourself, your kids and your family and tell him he needs to cut things out of his spending and/or work more hours. You are already cutting things out by staying home (gas money, daycare expenses, clothing, lunch at work, etc). You and your children deserve to have you, and a sane and happy you at that.

This conversation makes me sad because I have been there. You can do it, stand your ground. Not just about the interview (yay for you for cancelling!) But about everything in your marriage. It is a marriage. With children. Decisions need to be made for thr better interest of the family not just to make dh "happy"... which it sounds like he is not (with his job that is). I would address that with him. With you being home anyways there is no better time for him to career soul search. He needs to do that if his job is not what he wants, instead of being jealous of your "easy" job (ha!)

[Heidi]

I agree with Heidi.

It sounds to me like you like your husband more than you like yourself. Stand up for yourself, your kids and your family and tell him he needs to cut things out of his spending and/or work more hours. You are already cutting things out by staying home (gas money, daycare expenses, clothing, lunch at work, etc). You and your children deserve to have you, and a sane and happy you at that.

This conversation makes me sad because I have been there. You can do it, stand your ground. Not just about the interview (yay for you for cancelling!) But about everything in your marriage. It is a marriage. With children. Decisions need to be made for thr better interest of the family not just to make dh "happy"... which it sounds like he is not (with his job that is). I would address that with him. With you being home anyways there is no better time for him to career soul search. He needs to do that if his job is not what he wants, instead of being jealous of your "easy" job (ha!)

My dh and I had four kids together. We all know by now how babies are made, but he actually tried to suggest once that I'd "tricked" him into having #4. Yeah, that's how it was.... Now, I remember it differently, but whatever.


I love men, I really do, but some have this attitude that they're doing you some big favor by giving you the babies you've always wanted, then sticking around to help support them. KWIM? It's like they have the luxury of being as invested as they happen to feel like being invested. Guess what? That's NOT how it works!

I think one reason the divorce rate is as high as it is, is because a lot of men put themselves in the position of being just a paycheck. Then, women realize that if all they're providing is money, we really don't need to put up with the video-game-playing-remote-hoarding-socks-on-the-floor too. Kick 'em to the curb, and you still get the paycheck, and you're doing it all alone anyway, right?

Then, all the sudden they're super-dad and they want 50/50 custody.

Not saying this is all men..by any means. But, I do see a commonality. I know a LOT of people in marriages or divorces like this.

[Heidi]

I agree with Heidi.

It sounds to me like you like your husband more than you like yourself. Stand up for yourself, your kids and your family and tell him he needs to cut things out of his spending and/or work more hours. You are already cutting things out by staying home (gas money, daycare expenses, clothing, lunch at work, etc). You and your children deserve to have you, and a sane and happy you at that.

This conversation makes me sad because I have been there. You can do it, stand your ground. Not just about the interview (yay for you for cancelling!) But about everything in your marriage. It is a marriage. With children. Decisions need to be made for thr better interest of the family not just to make dh "happy"... which it sounds like he is not (with his job that is). I would address that with him. With you being home anyways there is no better time for him to career soul search. He needs to do that if his job is not what he wants, instead of being jealous of your "easy" job (ha!)

Nah, she doesn't like her husband more than herself. She just doesn't realize she's just as entitled to be happy as he is, and that it's just as much HIS job to make HER life better as it is her job to make his better.

[dave4him]

My wife would love it if i dropped them all, wish she wasnt so overworked herself

[cheerfuldom]

Posts like this make me said. I would suggest a third party and some counseling to get all these issues sorted out. Its about a lot more than adding one daycare kid. If he won't go, I would go for awhile just by yourself. you dont deserve to be treated like this. run ragged and pushed to your limit and undervalued....thats no kind of life. *lots of hugs*

[TwinKristi]

This makes me sad too. While I miss the days of being overworked with DC (so slow here) I wouldn't want so many that I feel crazy and feel forced financially to do more.

One question though is once Fall comes the two 5's will be in Kindy right? Maybe compromise on taking another child THEN. Until then he may need to cut corners on lunch and hobbies.

[julie]

Well, that ****s OP. I remember your posts when you decided to downsize the last time. You were really stressed. Being burnt out is no way to continue this type of career for the long term. You are wise to know your limits, and cancel the interview.

I would say something similar to Blackcat, but also stand up for myself a little more. You should not overwork yourself so he has "fun" money. I would not engage his comments about daycare being easy at all. He doesn't do it the way you do, he will never get it. Next time he brings it up, maybe try this:

"DH, I understand you are worried about money. I have done the calculations, and the amount of money an extra daycare kid would bring in equates to roughly the amount you are spending on your own hobbies and lunches out in a month. This money spent has nothing to do with me, nor with your children which would be hurt by the decision to bring another child into care. I am not going to argue how "easy" it will be, because frankly I know my limits and we have been there before. I expect you to trust me when I say I cannot take on another child. Therefore, I am willing to do the following compromises: I will set aside leftovers for you to bring for lunch instead, and provide free childcare for you when you engage in your hobbies, just as I have always done. If the money short is money spent on YOU, then you should earn the money. I have circled a few part time jobs in the paper for you. Otherwise, I consider this matter closed. Please bear in mind, if I DID decide to take on another kid, that money would be going to preserving MY well being, not your off work activities. I would make sure that not a penny went to your hobbies, and do not appreciate being pressured like this." And then walk away.

[daycare]

Didn't we discover our husband are from the same country. ??