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Praying for your husband to develop a stronger appreciation of you. This is a heart issue for him and has very little, if anything, to do with additional income.Comment
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This is how far down the thread I got. I didn't even finish reading the rest of your post. I literally LOL'd when I read this
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Ask your DH to talk to my DH about whether or not watching my DC children and our own 3 kids is easy. My DH will probably
if I asked him to stay a full-day with just our own 3 kids.
I had him try it once for a week. After about the second day he was taking his blood pressure medication in the mornings
religiously (preemptively). So ask him to stay home for a day and take over. Give him a general idea of what your routine is and let him have at it while you do the simple stuff like the cleaning and cooking. Or make him a deal ... err, compromise. You'll add another DCK and he cuts all of his hobbies out and makes his own lunches at home. 
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Anytime I go anywhere without our 2 kids, my dh calls and calls and calls.. And when I have 4 dc kids plus my 1 or 2, the basement is dh's best friend!
No wonder he won't take the classes to be an assistant just in case!Comment
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sorry I could not get back to you. class time kept me busy.
Well as you and I both know, men from this country are very very spoiled. My husband like yours did NOTHING growing up and was handed everything and everything was done for them. My DH was 34 when we wed. He could not do anything. Work the washer, the stove, the vacuum, pay his own bills etc. I think earlier when we last talked that we discovered our husbands to be very much the same.
Everything looks easy to them well because they have never had to do it. Their aunt, mom or grandmother did EVERYTHING for them. Then came us and we are not their mom, GM or their aunt. We want everything 50-50.
I grew up where my sister, mother and I did everything for my brother and father. I swore on my life I would never have that in a marriage. So when I married MY husband, I had to teach him how to do everything. that was 10 years ago and still there are certain things he does not ever do. BUT he has come a really really long way.
What I have found is that unless I make him do it himself, he would just look at me and think oh that is so easy why can't you do it. My reply, if it's so easy then I am sure you don't mind doing it. I have developed a lot of patience with my husband. I know where to pick my battles and where not to. For the most part, things are great. But there are those days I just want to smack him upside his big head when I find myself on my hands and knees at 10pm cleaning the bathroom floor for the 20th time that week. Ok, yeah I am exaggerating. but you know how that feels I am sure.
I have learned not to keep score and to always compromise and I have had to teach him to do the same. One would think a grown man can do this on his own, but when everyone in your life growing up did everything short of wiping your butt for you, well they just don't know how because they didn't know what compromising was.
If my husband told me this, I would tell him great I will take on another child no problem, but I will need you to pick up more work too. If I take on another child, then I would like for you to take on OUR children when you get home along with the night time chores. Make him do it. you have to throw in the towel and show him what you do every night. because when we do it, IT LOOKS EASY. everything looks easy until you have to do it yourself.Last edited by daycare; 01-15-2014, 11:55 AM.Comment
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sorry I could not get back to you. class time kept me busy.
Well as you and I both know, men from this country are very very spoiled. My husband like yours did NOTHING growing up and was handed everything and everything was done for them. My DH was 34 when we wed. He could not do anything. Work the washer, the stove, the vacuum, pay his own bills etc. I think earlier when we last talked that we discovered our husbands to be very much the same.
Everything looks easy to them well because they have never had to do it. Their aunt, mom or grandmother did EVERYTHING for them. Then came us and we are not their mom, GM or their aunt. We want everything 50-50.
I grew up where my sister, mother and I did everything for my brother and father. I swore on my life I would never have that in a marriage. So when I married MY husband, I had to teach him how to do everything. that was 10 years ago and still there are certain things he does not ever do. BUT he has come a really really long way.
What I have found is that unless I make him do it himself, he would just look at me and think oh that is so easy why can't you do it. My reply, if it's so easy then I am sure you don't mind doing it. I have developed a lot of patience with my husband. I know where to pick my battles and where not to. For the most part, things are great. But there are those days I just want to smack him upside his big head when I find myself on my hands and knees at 10pm cleaning the bathroom floor for the 20th time that week. Ok, yeah I am exaggerating. but you know how that feels I am sure.
I have learned not to keep score and to always compromise and I have had to teach him to do the same. One would think a grown man can do this on his own, but when everyone in your life growing up did everything short of wiping your butt for you, well they just don't know how because they didn't know what compromising was.
If my husband told me this, I would tell him great I will take on another child no problem, but I will need you to pick up more work too. If I take on another child, then I would like for you to take on OUR children when you get home along with the night time chores. Make him do it. you have to throw in the towel and show him what you do every night. because when we do it, IT LOOKS EASY. everything looks easy until you have to do it yourself.
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Last night, DH and I sat down and had a big talk about budget. It was very difficult and a little tumultuous at first, but I think we made some progress. I had him go over every expense from last year, line by line, to show him where cuts can be made, and how much he actually was spending. His response was that I spend too much on groceries
But I did tell him that he needed to trust me that I cannot take another child right now and be mentally sane, and I also pointed out how much money I was saving in daycare costs. He maintained that we could find a daycare that would take all 3 of our kids for $15,000. (Completely ridiculous in our area-I charge $40/day). So I even went with his figure, and added to it how much I make at home, and added in gasoline fees, food, and wardrobe. Even after that he still maintained that if I went out and got an outside job, we would be able to pay our bills easier, to which I replied, that we wouldn't, because that money would go to daycare and we would be in the same position as we are now. And that is IF, I could find a job making over 50K outside of the home, which Im not sure I could quickly even do, since my previous career was extremely specialized and no longer in high demand. Ugh. But for now, I think he is going to back off of asking me to pick up extra kids.
My gameplan is to try and be happy each and every moment in life, and look for the positive things, instead of the negative. We will see how long that lasts. At least I can change how I look at things, and keep my head up, and focus on being the best wife and mother and best "me" I can be. I am going to keep trying, and I am glad that I stood up for myself and said no more DCKS.Comment
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happy to hear that it worked out. I used to have a hard time telling my DH no too. He would act like a two year old when I did, so I would do everything to see whatelse could be done before I responded. Now I just say oh well, if you can think of something better let me know otherwise it's this.Last night, DH and I sat down and had a big talk about budget. It was very difficult and a little tumultuous at first, but I think we made some progress. I had him go over every expense from last year, line by line, to show him where cuts can be made, and how much he actually was spending. His response was that I spend too much on groceries
But I did tell him that he needed to trust me that I cannot take another child right now and be mentally sane, and I also pointed out how much money I was saving in daycare costs. He maintained that we could find a daycare that would take all 3 of our kids for $15,000. (Completely ridiculous in our area-I charge $40/day). So I even went with his figure, and added to it how much I make at home, and added in gasoline fees, food, and wardrobe. Even after that he still maintained that if I went out and got an outside job, we would be able to pay our bills easier, to which I replied, that we wouldn't, because that money would go to daycare and we would be in the same position as we are now. And that is IF, I could find a job making over 50K outside of the home, which Im not sure I could quickly even do, since my previous career was extremely specialized and no longer in high demand. Ugh. But for now, I think he is going to back off of asking me to pick up extra kids.
My gameplan is to try and be happy each and every moment in life, and look for the positive things, instead of the negative. We will see how long that lasts. At least I can change how I look at things, and keep my head up, and focus on being the best wife and mother and best "me" I can be. I am going to keep trying, and I am glad that I stood up for myself and said no more DCKS.
I hope that things stay in the green for you and that you enjoy the rest of your week now that is out of the way!!!!
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Sounds like you really made an effort to communicate with him clearly.Last night, DH and I sat down and had a big talk about budget. It was very difficult and a little tumultuous at first, but I think we made some progress. I had him go over every expense from last year, line by line, to show him where cuts can be made, and how much he actually was spending. His response was that I spend too much on groceries
But I did tell him that he needed to trust me that I cannot take another child right now and be mentally sane, and I also pointed out how much money I was saving in daycare costs. He maintained that we could find a daycare that would take all 3 of our kids for $15,000. (Completely ridiculous in our area-I charge $40/day). So I even went with his figure, and added to it how much I make at home, and added in gasoline fees, food, and wardrobe. Even after that he still maintained that if I went out and got an outside job, we would be able to pay our bills easier, to which I replied, that we wouldn't, because that money would go to daycare and we would be in the same position as we are now. And that is IF, I could find a job making over 50K outside of the home, which Im not sure I could quickly even do, since my previous career was extremely specialized and no longer in high demand. Ugh. But for now, I think he is going to back off of asking me to pick up extra kids.
My gameplan is to try and be happy each and every moment in life, and look for the positive things, instead of the negative. We will see how long that lasts. At least I can change how I look at things, and keep my head up, and focus on being the best wife and mother and best "me" I can be. I am going to keep trying, and I am glad that I stood up for myself and said no more DCKS.
Good job!
Next time though when he suggests picking up an extra daycare kid, tell him you will gladly do so if he gets a second job too.
(kidding...but that's kind of the same thing he is asking of you.)
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Good for you! Yeah, $15,000 a year for 3 kids? I can't imagine that ever happening and if it did, what kind of care can you get for $19 a day for each child? Great job!Last night, DH and I sat down and had a big talk about budget. It was very difficult and a little tumultuous at first, but I think we made some progress. I had him go over every expense from last year, line by line, to show him where cuts can be made, and how much he actually was spending. His response was that I spend too much on groceries
But I did tell him that he needed to trust me that I cannot take another child right now and be mentally sane, and I also pointed out how much money I was saving in daycare costs. He maintained that we could find a daycare that would take all 3 of our kids for $15,000. (Completely ridiculous in our area-I charge $40/day). So I even went with his figure, and added to it how much I make at home, and added in gasoline fees, food, and wardrobe. Even after that he still maintained that if I went out and got an outside job, we would be able to pay our bills easier, to which I replied, that we wouldn't, because that money would go to daycare and we would be in the same position as we are now. And that is IF, I could find a job making over 50K outside of the home, which Im not sure I could quickly even do, since my previous career was extremely specialized and no longer in high demand. Ugh. But for now, I think he is going to back off of asking me to pick up extra kids.
My gameplan is to try and be happy each and every moment in life, and look for the positive things, instead of the negative. We will see how long that lasts. At least I can change how I look at things, and keep my head up, and focus on being the best wife and mother and best "me" I can be. I am going to keep trying, and I am glad that I stood up for myself and said no more DCKS.Comment
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I've been married for 31 years, had my daycare for 20. At first my husband didn't appreciate everything I did with the DC but he does now. This sounds like a relationship issue and not a money issue and not a "how much money you can bring in with an extra DC child" issue. He sounds like a very selfish man, bottom line. I'm sure he has his good points too but on this it's a no brainer. You are stressed out and you are doing everything you can. This is HIS spending issue, not your issue. He needs to grow up and figure out what HE needs to do to rectify this situation, NOT YOU. I think you just need to tell him you are maxed out and anything that needs to be done differently will have to be on his end. Then walk away and quit worrying about HIS money problems. Stick to your guns on this.Comment
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