Frustrated (long)

[Leigh]

Thank you for the replies. I know logically I need to let this go, but emotionally this is so hard for me and it is complicated because when I see my SIL and my niece, selfishly, I see my late husband. I miss him so much. Also, I don't want to imply my SIL doesn't do anything for her daughter, she just has limited income and no child support. Actually, we don't even know who the dad is (not to say SHE doesn't know, but she hasn't told us and she SAYS it was a drunken one night stand). Who knows?

The reason I went to my MIL is that she is local. My family is still out west, and again, she is a tie to my husband. This is the only family here that I have. My MIL still works, she has been widowed for years and didn't plan accordingly. She'll probably be working late into her 70's in order to keep her house, which she didn't buy until she was about 56. She is a wise woman, and we both enable my SIL, but I also see her point: my SIL is all she has left. I know what to do and I don't. This is so hard. I am so hurt. I think the hurt supersedes all other emotions.

I can only imagine how difficult this is for you. Honestly, if this were a boyfriend or husband doing this to you, you may be able to see better that this is emotional abuse. Your SIL blames YOU for her having a child! It's YOUR fault? When you don't give her what she wants, she goes behind your back and mouths off about you to control you. She insults you when you ask to be paid for working. I understand how long it takes to grieve, and you certainly are still doing so after 2 short years, but to allow her to abuse and insult and control you is probably making it more difficult for you to heal.

[sharlan]

Thoughts and prayers for you and your family.

[Cradle2crayons]

My children and I are already in counseling, but this situation specifically hasn't come up. I will definitely mention it because this isn't healthy for any of the parties involved.

That's great you guys are getting help with the healing process. There is no easy way to deal with your situation.

And yes, it's easier said than done. And of course it makes it harder because family is and should be important. One day, she will grow up and maybe your relationship with her can be healed. Until then it's just so toxic for everyone involved.

[Unregistered]

At this time I am NOT a licensed daycare provider. I used to be but my husband got sick in 2010 and I needed to go back to being a dental hygienist because of the flexible hours (I worked between 3 different practices) and the increased income. My husband passed in late 2011. I got a decent life insurance policy payout and my children get survivor benefits so up until recently I have been able to stay home and work very part-time hours so I can be with my children, who are having a difficult time healing even today.

My SIL, who I love dearly, needed to move in last August (2012) when she was evicted and stayed with us through Christmas and moved just before New Year's. In that time I noticed her figure changing and she finally admitted she was pregnant but planned to terminate the pregnancy. I have my own beliefs on it, and I expressed them in no uncertain terms. She was determined to terminate but was too far along when she went to the doctor, FINALLY, at my encouragement because I knew she had to be at least 4 months and I worried about the baby. She was 27 weeks. OK...

So, I have been helping her monetarily since my niece has been born, basically acting as a father-figure. I spend lots of time with my niece, I buy her food, diapers, clothes; I sometimes take her to the doctor when her mom has to work. I love her. Starting this past August I've been watching her during the day because her mom's hours changed so she can attend night school to become a massage therapist. Due to being a full time student and full time employee (though low-income) she qualifies for child care assistance through the county and I requested she apply so I can get paid for my hours providing child care. She was offended and wanted to know WHY I needed to be paid to keep my niece since it's "my fault" she kept her (it isn't) and I have the means to stay home and help her make a better life for them both. She also alluded to the fact that I should WANT to keep my niece because she is my late-husband's flesh and blood. Thing is, I do. All the time. I explained I don't have the means to work per diem any longer; that the money that is left in my account (which isn't a huge sum) is set aside for college funds and a rainy day. If I can't work in my field, I need to be paid for keeping my niece, even if it's only grocery money. Again, she refused.

After talking with my MIL it was decided I would take in two other families (which I can do legally) doing child care for income, and keep my niece for free because at the end of the day, family is all we have. Last week my first family started. My SIL was NOT happy and went on FB talking all kinds of rigamarole about me being money-hungry, even though I am keeping L for free. TODAY my new toddler was supposed to start. My client showed up just as my SIL did to drop off. They talked in the driveway (I found out later), IDK how long because I can't see from my family room, and my SIL came in alone saying the other parent decided she would seek other child care. I couldn't understand WHY a parent would come at drop-off time to say they aren't bringing their child??? so I called the parent over and over after my SIL left. Parent wouldn't answer any of my calls or texts. Finally, I just sent an email asking what happened. Parent replied to email, in a pretty huffy tone might I add, and suffice it to say, my SIL LIED to this parent telling them all kinds of things, and ending with she didn't even like or fully trust bringing my niece here but this was her only recourse until her child care subsidy is approved and she can find alternate arrangements.

REALLY????? REALLY?!

My MIL is saying my SIL is just immature and selfish and doesn't want me to keep anyone but L. However, this lady essentially made me lose a client, not to mention word of mouth can kill a business, and I am curious as to whether she really did apply for subsidy and plans to take my niece elsewhere when the ONLY reason I started up again was so I could afford to keep my niece free of charge. IDK what to do. I am just venting... and crying. I've gone out of my way for my SIL since my late husband passed; when truth be told he did a lot for her before he no longer had the means to when he had to stop working.

I used to come here when I was a licensed provider and you all were so helpful, so please: what should I do?

Tell your ungrateful SIL (NOT even your SISTER as your dh was unfortunately deceased, so you are NOT obligated to an ungrateful person like her) that she cannot bring her child back to you and that she can't stay with you either! I'd let the other parent know that you are sorry that upon a conversation with a girl that's SUPPOSED to be family making stuff up so that her child could be the ONLY one in care forced her to feel uncomfortable but that you have resolved the situation and that because you know the reason why, that should say a WHOLE LOT about your care. Obviously SIL thinks your great, but is being a totally selfish and unreasonable person. Additionally, I'd probably just be a b and add "You know what (SIL), you can blame ME for your going out, getting KNOCKED UP and having a child. You could have easily kept your junk closed but YOU, and YOU alone chose your path and I will NOT allow you to put YOUR personal problems ON ME as a burden any longer". And I'd be tempted to shoo her away and say "NOW GO" Of course, that's me being angry, so maybe not the EXACT thing to say. Maybe something like "You know (SIL), I can understand that you feel that I've been the cause of your having a child, but last I checked, I did not get you pregnant" OK so I'm coming up with too much stuff that sounds angry, but DANG I AM MAD FOR YOU!!!!

[countrymom]

that stinks. I think we can all agree this is why we don't watch family members.

also, your sil can say whatever she wants to you about the child, but it was she who laid down and made her own bed.

you also have the right to work and support your own children any way and means you want and your sil is sabbatoging it. Just because your going to cut ties with your sil doesn't mean your going to lose your dh. You have pics and you have memories and you still have your mil. And talking about your dh with your kids is a way to keep his memory alive, not a free loading sil.

[Familycare71]

I agree with other pp and don't have much to add... But wanted to send a big :hug: your way!!!

[Luna]

A lot of times the thing we know darn well we need to do is not at all what we want to do, or the easy thing to do. You know you need to stop this.
I would also do my best to clear things up with the client your SIL scared away.
:hug: I'm so sorry for the loss of your husband and the struggles you face now.

[My3cents]

You are still in mourning, and rightfully so. Your not able to think straight because of this, and the fact that you love your family. I think you should seek counseling for this issue.

I also agree with the poster that said we often know the right thing to do but are not able to carry that out and for many reasons.

I feel your being used, you know your being used- I think you might feel like your being selfish if you don't help her out, because your in a better position then she is. I would either do one of the two things......

1) explain to her that you want to adopt her child and work something out so that she can be involved. I don't know if this is an option.

2) tell her that your still very much in mourning over your husband and you just need to take care of yourself and your kids for a while. You still want to foster a relationship with her and her daughter but you need to do it on your terms and with a little distance at this time. You can't continue to support her and her daughter but will direct them to services that can help her to get on her own feet and become a better person and mom herself. Don't let her guilt you on this-

3) maybe there is another option that only you know- When it is family there are so many facets to consider. Knowing it is ok to take care of you is key to a happy person, especially for those of us that tend to look at everyone elses needs and wants first- Being a happy person helps us to facilitate those caring tendencies and when we are in mourning it is often hard just to function from day to day let alone have to worry about other peoples issues. Mourning is different for everyone and can be short or long term.

Anyway- your in my thoughts and prayers~