Frustrated (long)

[Unregistered]

At this time I am NOT a licensed daycare provider. I used to be but my husband got sick in 2010 and I needed to go back to being a dental hygienist because of the flexible hours (I worked between 3 different practices) and the increased income. My husband passed in late 2011. I got a decent life insurance policy payout and my children get survivor benefits so up until recently I have been able to stay home and work very part-time hours so I can be with my children, who are having a difficult time healing even today.

My SIL, who I love dearly, needed to move in last August (2012) when she was evicted and stayed with us through Christmas and moved just before New Year's. In that time I noticed her figure changing and she finally admitted she was pregnant but planned to terminate the pregnancy. I have my own beliefs on it, and I expressed them in no uncertain terms. She was determined to terminate but was too far along when she went to the doctor, FINALLY, at my encouragement because I knew she had to be at least 4 months and I worried about the baby. She was 27 weeks. OK...

So, I have been helping her monetarily since my niece has been born, basically acting as a father-figure. I spend lots of time with my niece, I buy her food, diapers, clothes; I sometimes take her to the doctor when her mom has to work. I love her. Starting this past August I've been watching her during the day because her mom's hours changed so she can attend night school to become a massage therapist. Due to being a full time student and full time employee (though low-income) she qualifies for child care assistance through the county and I requested she apply so I can get paid for my hours providing child care. She was offended and wanted to know WHY I needed to be paid to keep my niece since it's "my fault" she kept her (it isn't) and I have the means to stay home and help her make a better life for them both. She also alluded to the fact that I should WANT to keep my niece because she is my late-husband's flesh and blood. Thing is, I do. All the time. I explained I don't have the means to work per diem any longer; that the money that is left in my account (which isn't a huge sum) is set aside for college funds and a rainy day. If I can't work in my field, I need to be paid for keeping my niece, even if it's only grocery money. Again, she refused.

After talking with my MIL it was decided I would take in two other families (which I can do legally) doing child care for income, and keep my niece for free because at the end of the day, family is all we have. Last week my first family started. My SIL was NOT happy and went on FB talking all kinds of rigamarole about me being money-hungry, even though I am keeping L for free. TODAY my new toddler was supposed to start. My client showed up just as my SIL did to drop off. They talked in the driveway (I found out later), IDK how long because I can't see from my family room, and my SIL came in alone saying the other parent decided she would seek other child care. I couldn't understand WHY a parent would come at drop-off time to say they aren't bringing their child??? so I called the parent over and over after my SIL left. Parent wouldn't answer any of my calls or texts. Finally, I just sent an email asking what happened. Parent replied to email, in a pretty huffy tone might I add, and suffice it to say, my SIL LIED to this parent telling them all kinds of things, and ending with she didn't even like or fully trust bringing my niece here but this was her only recourse until her child care subsidy is approved and she can find alternate arrangements.

REALLY????? REALLY?!

My MIL is saying my SIL is just immature and selfish and doesn't want me to keep anyone but L. However, this lady essentially made me lose a client, not to mention word of mouth can kill a business, and I am curious as to whether she really did apply for subsidy and plans to take my niece elsewhere when the ONLY reason I started up again was so I could afford to keep my niece free of charge. IDK what to do. I am just venting... and crying. I've gone out of my way for my SIL since my late husband passed; when truth be told he did a lot for her before he no longer had the means to when he had to stop working.

I used to come here when I was a licensed provider and you all were so helpful, so please: what should I do?

[Moppetland]

Okay. Even though it's your situation, I felt it. What nerve. At this point, I wouldn't even continue to care for your niece. I know that you love her, and you are going to have a hard time letting her go, but you are being used.

That was very dirty of her to ruin your client relationship. You have gone beyond helping her, and I don't know why she thinks you are responsible for her having her baby. Didn't you say she was too far along to abort? That's why your niece is here. Thank God. Anywho, she is taking advantage of your kindness. I don't see the problem of you getting paid for providing good care for your niece. She will have a hard time finding somebody who will keep your niece day in and day out like that. She doesn't know it now.

Also, she very well may be planning to remove her niece from you when she get approved. I would call her bluff though. I would tell her that you know what happened with your ex-client, and you also know that she told her about her plans to remove your niece when time comes. Then I would tell her, she has two weeks to find another provider, because after all you've done for her, she's ungrateful, conniving, and just plain mean.

Sorry...I feel upset for you. Whatever you decide to do, I hope it makes you happy and less stressed. I was always told that you can't do business with family.

Last thought. If it even helps, tell her that you are now going back into business and she has a choice to pay or leave and it's about business. See what happens.:hug:

[Leigh]

Honestly, as much as you love your niece, I feel that the smartest thing to do is to end your relationship with your soul-****ing sister-in-law. What she did is unforgivable, in my opinion. Sabotaging you to get her way proves that she does not care about you except that she likes that you enable her lifestyle. You are allowing her to use you and control you, and it should stop. I strongly encourage you to seek counseling services to help you sort this out (because, no offense intended, you should be able to come to this conclusion on your own).

Were I in your position, I would turn SIL away at the door tomorrow morning, tell her that what she did was unforgivable, and that you no longer want her to be a part of your life.

[Unregistered]

Honestly, as much as you love your niece, I feel that the smartest thing to do is to end your relationship with your soul-****ing sister-in-law. What she did is unforgivable, in my opinion. Sabotaging you to get her way proves that she does not care about you except that she likes that you enable her lifestyle. You are allowing her to use you and control you, and it should stop. I strongly encourage you to seek counseling services to help you sort this out (because, no offense intended, you should be able to come to this conclusion on your own).

Were I in your position, I would turn SIL away at the door tomorrow morning, tell her that what she did was unforgivable, and that you no longer want her to be a part of your life.

I SECOND THIS EXACTLY, ASAP, you are now done, helping her out.

[TwinKristi]

I think you just need to hear it as logical advice from outsiders, but YES, you need I cut these ties ASAP. Maybe MIL can keep her for free? That's just beyond rude. That's reprehensible IMO and if you tolerate it, maybe she'll do the same thing next week and you'll lose your other client! I'm mad for you! That's so unkind and a very malicious thing to do after all you've done for her over the last couple years!

[Rainbow]

If she expects you to watch her child for free and then goes out of her way to turn a client against you, she is not deserving of the great care you give her child. Cut the strings and maybe she will be forced to grow up.

[Unregistered]

Honestly, as much as you love your niece, I feel that the smartest thing to do is to end your relationship with your soul-****ing sister-in-law. What she did is unforgivable, in my opinion. Sabotaging you to get her way proves that she does not care about you except that she likes that you enable her lifestyle. You are allowing her to use you and control you, and it should stop. I strongly encourage you to seek counseling services to help you sort this out (because, no offense intended, you should be able to come to this conclusion on your own).

Were I in your position, I would turn SIL away at the door tomorrow morning, tell her that what she did was unforgivable, and that you no longer want her to be a part of your life.

What a difficult situation! Oh my goodness! I am so sorry you have to go through this!

I disagree with you Leigh. I agree she should cut ties but that is much easier said than done. I don't think that she needs counseling because she is asking for help what to do or just needs reassurance on what to do. I personally would be very offended if I was the OP

[Willow]

Differences in family dynamics are always interesting to me. If this were my SIL I'd tell her exactly what I thought and exactly where to go. I'd give her the ultimatum to change EVERYTHING about the way she had been treating me, to stop interfering in my business, or there's the door. I'd have had a complete bird if she ever blamed me for her childs existence and would require she at least compensate me for the clients lost until I filled the vacancies.

It sounds like you cannot speak as freely. And even if you did all your words would fall on deaf ears. That's unfortunate, and so unfair, but it is what it is.

Seems to me you have two options here:
1) tell her how things are going to be from here on out and demand compliance and the respect you deserve
2) keep doing what you're doing and expect to continue to to be used, degrated and disrespected (I really hope you don't consider such a thing though)


Sometimes tough love can be a blessing on both the victim as well as the perpetual offender.
One can only hope that if youre able to find the courage that putting your foot down will inspire some growth on her end. If it doesn't however, at least you tried and your family will no longer be subject to her toxic nature any longer.

Either way I cant imagine this is anything your husband would expect you to endure. I'd make sure to throw that in there.

You can love your niece while also loving yourself and your family enough to say NO. MORE.

[Leigh]

What a difficult situation! Oh my goodness! I am so sorry you have to go through this!

I disagree with you Leigh. I agree she should cut ties but that is much easier said than done. I don't think that she needs counseling because she is asking for help what to do or just needs reassurance on what to do. I personally would be very offended if I was the OP

Suggesting counseling does NOT imply mental illness. I suggest it because I believe that it will help the OP deal with the SIL's toxic behavior. I think that OP cares about the SIL and niece WAY more than SIL deserves, and that SIL cares ONLY about herself. I know that it is difficult to cut ties to a loved one, I also know that it is the healthiest thing for OP to do-SIL treated OP atrociously, and does not DESERVE to be in this kind woman's life.

[sharlan]

First of all, you need to stop and look at what you are teaching your own children. What lessons are they learning from this freeloader.

You are teaching them that you do not have to accept responsibility for yourself. By doing everything for your SIL, she is not accepting her own responsibility. I know you want to do everything for your niece, but she has a mother and a grandmother. You are neither.

In one shot, your SIL ruined your business reputation. Word of mouth is everything in this business.

Your SIL sees that you get "FREE" (sadly, you lost your dh, but she doesn't care about that, she just sees free). Since you get free, she deserves free, too.

It's time to stand up, let her trash you on facebook, everyone knows the truth, and tell her that she has to start supporting her own child As much as you love the child, it's up to her mother to buy her clothes, diapers, and food. The survivor's benefits that you receive are for the care and support of your own children, not your SIL.

Why is your MIL making decisions regarding your family/income?

Let MIL deal with HER daughter. She is not your responsibility. You have your hands full being both mother and father to your own children. They do not deserve this added drama/stress in their lives. Neither do you.

It's time for you to term your SIL and move on.

[sharlan]

I have actually been in your shoes similar to yours. We ended up with legal custody of my BIL's baby. We had her from 2 1/2 until she turned 5. BIL told people how much he paid us a month to care for her. He never paid us a dime, never bought a pair of shoes, never brought a treat. BIL ended up dying in a motorcycle accident and we relinquished custody when SIL wanted to move out of state. Her family promised the state that they would oversee her care. (YEAH, right!)

My in-laws trashed us to everyone from CPS (yes, social services showed at my door numerous times because of complaints by my inlaws) to friends, to other family members. BIL & SIL trashed us to all of their friends.

[MotherNature]

Okay. Even though it's your situation, I felt it. What nerve. At this point, I wouldn't even continue to care for your niece. I know that you love her, and you are going to have a hard time letting her go, but you are being used.

That was very dirty of her to ruin your client relationship. You have gone beyond helping her, and I don't know why she thinks you are responsible for her having her baby. Didn't you say she was too far along to abort? That's why your niece is here. Thank God. Anywho, she is taking advantage of your kindness. I don't see the problem of you getting paid for providing good care for your niece. She will have a hard time finding somebody who will keep your niece day in and day out like that. She doesn't know it now.

Also, she very well may be planning to remove her niece from you when she get approved. I would call her bluff though. I would tell her that you know what happened with your ex-client, and you also know that she told her about her plans to remove your niece when time comes. Then I would tell her, she has two weeks to find another provider, because after all you've done for her, she's ungrateful, conniving, and just plain mean.

Sorry...I feel upset for you. Whatever you decide to do, I hope it makes you happy and less stressed. I was always told that you can't do business with family.

Last thought. If it even helps, tell her that you are now going back into business and she has a choice to pay or leave and it's about business. See what happens.:hug:

All of this. :hug: I am so outraged fr you. I'm so sorry your SIL is using you like that & sounds like she needs a reality check. I mean who gets free child care & then slanders the person caring for their child, especially since that extra money would help feed and clothe her child!? :confused: Time for a confrontation w/ sil. Keep us posted & good luck!

[Cradle2crayons]

:hug:

And I think you know deep down what you need to do, it's just sometimes easier to hear it come from someone else.

It's time she grew up. I'd tell her I love her and her daughter and its time she moved out and made her own way in the world.

I would sever ties with her until she can grow up.

That type of relationship is toxic to you and most importantly toxic to your children.

Then, if you aren't supporting her maybe you wouldn't have to keep kids at all and can just focus on you and your kids instead of raising someone who should be grown up already.

And, I also concur on therapy possibly related to some co-dependency issues because you feel so obligated on taking care of HER instead of letting her depend on herself. You don't owe HER anything.

[Unregistered]

Thank you for the replies. I know logically I need to let this go, but emotionally this is so hard for me and it is complicated because when I see my SIL and my niece, selfishly, I see my late husband. I miss him so much. Also, I don't want to imply my SIL doesn't do anything for her daughter, she just has limited income and no child support. Actually, we don't even know who the dad is (not to say SHE doesn't know, but she hasn't told us and she SAYS it was a drunken one night stand). Who knows?

The reason I went to my MIL is that she is local. My family is still out west, and again, she is a tie to my husband. This is the only family here that I have. My MIL still works, she has been widowed for years and didn't plan accordingly. She'll probably be working late into her 70's in order to keep her house, which she didn't buy until she was about 56. She is a wise woman, and we both enable my SIL, but I also see her point: my SIL is all she has left. I know what to do and I don't. This is so hard. I am so hurt. I think the hurt supersedes all other emotions.

[Unregistered]

My children and I are already in counseling, but this situation specifically hasn't come up. I will definitely mention it because this isn't healthy for any of the parties involved.