New Provider Needing Help With High Needs Baby and Inflexible DCM

[momma2girls]

I have to disagree 100% here. What the mother is doing is WRONG and DANGEROUS. This IS a form of neglect and abuse. What is wrong is starving a hungry baby. It is MORE wrong to starve a child than it is to ignore a request by an ignorant, lazy parent. And as a DCP, she can be held legally responsible if this child became malnourished. Just bc this woman had a child does NOT make her an expert on infant nutrition.

If this were me in your shoes, I would print out the info as a another person suggested, tell the mother you will be feeding on demand, if she refuses to supply the extra formula I would buy it and give her the invoice for the extra formula. If the mother freaks out or terminates, I would call CPS because as a state mandated reporter you are duty bound to report neglect and abuse.

And make no mistake, this is starvation. An infant has no other way of telling its caregiver that it is hungry other than to cry. So if this child is crying, and being fed makes the crying stop, then the child is HUNGRY and NEEDS to be fed. Anything less is completely unacceptable.

I totally agree!! THis is neglect and abuse big time!!!!

[MarinaVanessa]

I understand that the parent wants her wishes to be honored but the parent here needs to understand that there are other children in the daycare that have needs as well and that the provider cannot focus 100% of her attention to this one child 100% of the time. Maybe at home it is easier to feed only every 4 hours because at home mom can hold, pick up, play, carry etc. the baby to pacify it during the hours in between. At daycare the baby needs tummy-time, time to play on his/her own and to self soothe. The daycare provider needs to take care of, direct, monitor, feed, change, and provide attention to the other kids in her care which she won't be able to do effectively while having to hold an infant in her arms between feedings.

It looks to me as though the parent needs a different kind of care for her infant that can provide more of a one on one type of care. If she is not willing to give up her needs to conform to the daycare's routine then I would recommend having her look for a nanny instead. This way there is only one baby to care for and the nanny can focus on and pacify the infant when it becomes fussy between the feedings.

[Blackcat31]

I have to disagree 100% here. What the mother is doing is WRONG and DANGEROUS. This IS a form of neglect and abuse. What is wrong is starving a hungry baby. It is MORE wrong to starve a child than it is to ignore a request by an ignorant, lazy parent. And as a DCP, she can be held legally responsible if this child became malnourished. Just bc this woman had a child does NOT make her an expert on infant nutrition.

If this were me in your shoes, I would print out the info as a another person suggested, tell the mother you will be feeding on demand, if she refuses to supply the extra formula I would buy it and give her the invoice for the extra formula. If the mother freaks out or terminates, I would call CPS because as a state mandated reporter you are duty bound to report neglect and abuse.

And make no mistake, this is starvation. An infant has no other way of telling its caregiver that it is hungry other than to cry. So if this child is crying, and being fed makes the crying stop, then the child is HUNGRY and NEEDS to be fed. Anything less is completely unacceptable.

I don't know what laws and rules all DCP licensors have to follow in different states, but after reading all these posts, I decided to go to my answer people:
I called my county licensor and was told that no, as a DCP are NOT legally liable if a child is undernourished due to a parents written request to follow a feeding schedule. It is the parents responsiblity since they requested the feeding schedule be adhered to. The responsibility would fall on the parent. Also my county licensor said this is NOT abuse or neglect UNLESS the child is undernourished or failing to thrive. (Which no one has said if the child is thriving or under weight). As mandated reporters we are obligated to report if the child is not thriving, not report because of the parenting practices we do not agree with.
I also called Provider's Choice Food Program and they also said keeping a child on a 4 hour feeding schedule is not abuse or neglect unless the child is under nourished and failing to thrive.
Just because we are DCP's does not make us experts on infant nutrition either. My licensor suggested an easy solution to this problem is to have the mother get a statement from the child's pediatrition saying that she is thriving and growing and it is okay for her to be on a 4 hour feeding schedule. That would solve the issue of educating the mother (if necessary) as well as checking the well being of the child.
My point originally in this thread was lying to a parent is never good business practice and I would chose to communicate better with the parent rather than do something agaisnt their wishhes behind their back. If I still could not handle the crying baby (after her Dr. visit) I would terminate due to possible loss of sanity!
Lastly, I also called a local pediatrition and asked her advice. She said many parents choose to keep their infants on 4 hour feeding schedules and again, there is no cause for alarm or concern UNLESS the child is failing to thrive or is severely under weight. Most infants have Dr visits at 2, 4 and 6 months so if this were the case, the Dr. should take the opportunity to discuss feeding routines with the mom. The pediatrition also mentioned that just because a child cries right before her feeding time may not always signify hunger. Babies cry for many different reasons and just because they eagerly take a bottle when given, doesn't mean they were hungry. It is like a pacifier. It just becomes learned behavior and they take a bottle for comfort when they may not have been hungry, just wanted something else.
Sorry for the rant, but I get annoyed when people suggest lying to parents or doing things behind their backs...It is just morally, ethically and professionaly wrong to handle a situation that way.
Have the mom go to the child's Dr and get a diet statement...If child is healthy, gaining weigh and developing properly......Problem solved.

[Live and Learn]

For tiny babies like this I feed on demand. if the parents don't like that then they can hit the road. The baby is 4 months old not 4 years old. tell mom that you have tried it her way and it isn't working and you would like to try it your way for the next 2 weeks. My gut feeling is that everything will improve when she is fed on demand. Even my bigger kids don't go 4 hours between meals.....just saying

[MarinaVanessa]

I was reading the original post and all previous posts before mine again and wanted to add that if the baby was malnourished the provider would have already said so as it would be the primary concern. Since it doesn't seem to be a serious concern I can only assume that the main problem is that the baby cries after 2 hours of being fed and is pacified only after being fed and is again okay for another 2 hours, mom won't budge about the 4 hour feeding schedule, baby keeps creeching and provider is losing her mind.

I also noticed that DCM said that crying is a part of taking care of a baby. Maybe she does not understand that the baby literally cries non-stop and would probably do so for hours until she was fed again. I'm against pacies for my own children but is this an option for this DCM?

Also is this the baby's first DC that she's been to? In fact is this the first DC that DCM has taken any child of hers to? I ask because maybe she is unfamiliar with what is normal and what is not in a daycare setting. MG&Lsmom mentioned that DCM is getting upset because baby is unhappy, but DCM became upset when MG&Lsmom fed the baby too soon to make the baby happy. Could it be that DCM is expecting too much from the DC provider? A lot of people expect the highest level of childcare and expect everything of you as a daycare provider including bending over backwards simply because they are paying you for daycare services. Unfortunately that is not the case, we have our policies and know our limits and she should understand that or find someone that can adequately cater to her needs.

I also don't agree with lying to the parent about the feedings and think that open communication is best. Make it clear that you understand that crying is a part of caring for a baby however you have NEVER had a baby cry like this and that the baby is uhappy. When you are able to and the baby cries pick her up and see if it helps. If not then call DCM after 15 minutes while holding the crying baby and explain that she is crying, that you've been holding her and that you can't get her to stop. Ask HER what she wants you to do and make it clear that you can't hold the baby for the next 2 hours until feeding time because you have other kids to take care of. I stand where I stood before, if she doesn't want to budge then maybe she needs a different kind of care. Otherwise offer to have the baby cry-it-out but that you'll need her written consent that it's ok to do so, I know I wouldn't be ok with my baby crying for more than 30 minutes.

[MarinaVanessa]

Even my bigger kids don't go 4 hours between meals.....just saying

Good point, mine either. The kids are all fed here every 2 hours. Breakfast, snack, lunch, snack & then supper.

[kendallina]

Have the mom go to the child's Dr and get a diet statement...If child is healthy, gaining weigh and developing properly......Problem solved.

Problem NOT solved if the child is still wailing because he is hungry. Sure, the provider's a** would be covered in terms of liability, but problem is definitely NOT solved. I cannot imagine withholding food from a child that is wailing if the food is what calms them.

I do agree that lying to mom is NOT an option (and it doesn't sound like OP is even considering this one, fortunately).

This is a really tough situation. I think all you can do is provide information about feeding on demand, hopefully with state regs to back you up. I would not be able to not feed this baby, so I would have to terminate, which obviously might not be an option for you if you're really needing this income.
Good luck in whatever you decide...

[Blackcat31]

Problem NOT solved if the child is still wailing because he is hungry. Sure, the provider's a** would be covered in terms of liability, but problem is definitely NOT solved.

I didn't mean the whole problem.....sorry. I just meant whether it is okay or not to have a 4 mos old on such a strict schedule. Yes, there is also the problem of the excessive crying...and the provider's sanity.....I guess that part is hopfully solved by open communication with the parent so that they can find a solution together.

[kendallina]

I didn't mean the whole problem.....sorry. I just meant whether it is okay or not to have a 4 mos old on such a strict schedule. Yes, there is also the problem of the excessive crying...and the provider's sanity.....I guess that part is hopfully solved by open communication with the parent so that they can find a solution together.

Sorry, I was feeling a little snippy...

Yes, hopefully they can come to some kind of resolution.

And just because the doctor gives a note doesn't mean that he knows the whole story. Mom may not be telling him that the baby is crying toward the end of those 4 hours and is comforted by an earlier feeding. I bet if mom included that info, doc would say, "then scrap the damn schedule!"

[Unregistered]

I have a 4mo FT DCG whose been in my care since the last week of August. Days 1-3 were fine. Days 4-current have been miserable. She is super high needs, barely naps, screeches, wails, shrill crying most of the day. Mom is insisting that she be on an every 4 hour bottle, but my gut is that she's hungry sooner and that's causing all of the above stress. Mom refuses to allow any changes to the feeding schedule. She basically said that crying is part of caring for a baby, she can't possibly need to eat every 2.5-3 hrs and that she doesn't care if she's a good napper cuz she sleeps thru the night.

Today I decided to feed her an hr earlier just to see what happened. She had been inconsolable for 20 mins when I finally gave her the bottle. Well wouldn't you know that she got all happy and played nicely for almost 2 hours! Told DCM thinking she'd be happy she had such a good day. Nope, she's pissed. She' absolutely adamant that her DD does not need to eat more than every 4 hrs. But she seems to be getting more and more upset with me that the baby is so unhappy.

This type of rigid schedule is new to me since I demand fed all 3 of my kids and all of the babies I've nannied for over the years. Can anyone give me any help, suggestions, etc? I need to keep this income coming in and would love to find a way to ease both the baby and my stress level. But if this keeps up for too much longer I'm going to lose my marbles.

TIA!

I checked the MA regulations and while it says that infants must be fed according to their individual feeding schedule or needs (which you might have been able to use to speak with dc mom), the regs also state that the provider has to follow the parent's orders in the preparation and feeding of special diets which this situation may fall under since the baby has reflux and is eating a special formula. I'm not sure you have much choice if the parent insists on sticking with the 4 hour schedule and you can't afford to let her go. Maybe sit down with her and in addition to addressing the early drop-offs and late pick-ups, have a heart to heart with her about how miserable the baby is and determine why she is so adament about the eating schedule. If she's been told by the pediatrician that it will help with the reflux I can understand why she may want to follow his/her instructions. If she's doing it because that's the way it's always been done in her family or she read some book that recommended 4 hour feedings only, I'd let her know you are reconsidering caring for the baby. She may be more willing to give a little.

I do feel for you, though. I had a dc mom who insisted on a very strict feeding schedule - only so much and only at certain intervals of time. The baby was absolutely miserable and I did the same thing you did -- I gave her just a little bit more one day and it made all the difference in the baby's mood. The mother wasn't happy with me and I did try to respect her wishes after that but it wasn't easy. Long story short, it eventually came out that many of the mother's family members were severely overweight and the mother had had a weight problem, too. She didn't want the baby to be overweight. From what I hear, she still is a control freak when it comes to what and how much her dd eats.

BTW, I'm from Central MA, too. If you decide you can't deal with the baby, can you post here so I can be on the look out and know not to take this family!! ;-)

[MyAngels]

Maybe you could try giving some water between feedings to help tide the baby over (assuming that's not against this mother's strict rules, of course)?

[laundryduchess@yahoo.com]

please do not give baby water. In the first year of life it is NOT recommended. It messes with the balance of electrolites. It fills them up with empty fluid instead of brain and body nurturing calories. , it just isnt recommended unless a dr suggestes it. They get all needed fluids from BM of formula. Also do not add more water to the formula than directed. Please, find another solution...... Ive had personal experience where my sil did this and my niece was not gaining, not gaining, they TOOK her away for lack of nutrition. Her case was extreme,... but please,..... ....

[mac60]

Is this baby on forumula or breast milk, if breast milk, in my experience, it never satisfies a baby as long as formula does. I am dealing with it now with a 5 mo old.

[MyAngels]

please do not give baby water. In the first year of life it is NOT recommended. It messes with the balance of electrolites. It fills them up with empty fluid instead of brain and body nurturing calories. , it just isnt recommended unless a dr suggestes it. They get all needed fluids from BM of formula. Also do not add more water to the formula than directed. Please, find another solution...... Ive had personal experience where my sil did this and my niece was not gaining, not gaining, they TOOK her away for lack of nutrition. Her case was extreme,... but please,..... ....

This is interesting, I'm going to have to do some reading up on this. I didn't know that a few sips of water could be so dangerous. I've had a few parents over the years give their babies water occasionally. Hopefully no harm was caused.

[laundryduchess@yahoo.com]

a few sips,.. as in an ounce every so often may be ok, but an infant doesnt NEED it and too much is dangerous, especially if it is an ongoing thing, my sil did 3 scoops of formula to 9 oz water, for a period of months, and her baby wasnt gaining,.... she was trying to save money.
.

This is interesting, I'm going to have to do some reading up on this. I didn't know that a few sips of water could be so dangerous. I've had a few parents over the years give their babies water occasionally. Hopefully no harm was caused.