New Provider Needing Help With High Needs Baby and Inflexible DCM

[MG&Lsmom]

I have a 4mo FT DCG whose been in my care since the last week of August. Days 1-3 were fine. Days 4-current have been miserable. She is super high needs, barely naps, screeches, wails, shrill crying most of the day. Mom is insisting that she be on an every 4 hour bottle, but my gut is that she's hungry sooner and that's causing all of the above stress. Mom refuses to allow any changes to the feeding schedule. She basically said that crying is part of caring for a baby, she can't possibly need to eat every 2.5-3 hrs and that she doesn't care if she's a good napper cuz she sleeps thru the night.

Today I decided to feed her an hr earlier just to see what happened. She had been inconsolable for 20 mins when I finally gave her the bottle. Well wouldn't you know that she got all happy and played nicely for almost 2 hours! Told DCM thinking she'd be happy she had such a good day. Nope, she's pissed. She' absolutely adamant that her DD does not need to eat more than every 4 hrs. But she seems to be getting more and more upset with me that the baby is so unhappy.

This type of rigid schedule is new to me since I demand fed all 3 of my kids and all of the babies I've nannied for over the years. Can anyone give me any help, suggestions, etc? I need to keep this income coming in and would love to find a way to ease both the baby and my stress level. But if this keeps up for too much longer I'm going to lose my marbles.

TIA!

[DBug]

I couldn't, in good conscience, refuse to feed a hungry child. I would feel like I was starving the poor baby! What do your regulations say about the issue? Maybe you could use that as an excuse to switch to feeding on demand?

The only other option would be to not tell the mom when exactly the baby is feeding, and that might be a little too dishonest ...

[BentleysBands]

i express to parents at interviews that i feed ON DEMAND...regardless if its every 2hrs or every hour...sometimes at certain ages they hit a spurt and need more to hold them over kwim? i cant stand parents who go 'by the book' and do the ever 2-4hr exact bottles...."sorry suzy but u have 30 more mins till u eat" "u have to scream till then" .... grrr....

do u supply formula? if so i would do as u please and dont tell her. sometimes i feel what a parent doesnt know wont hurt!

if they supply she might have a can of formula all figured out and feedings and KNOW when its time to replace LOL so then i would tell her its either feed on demand or she will have to find a replacement provider as you can not meet this childs needs or parents needs at that....

lots of luck to you!

[momofboys]

I have a 4mo FT DCG whose been in my care since the last week of August. Days 1-3 were fine. Days 4-current have been miserable. She is super high needs, barely naps, screeches, wails, shrill crying most of the day. Mom is insisting that she be on an every 4 hour bottle, but my gut is that she's hungry sooner and that's causing all of the above stress. Mom refuses to allow any changes to the feeding schedule. She basically said that crying is part of caring for a baby, she can't possibly need to eat every 2.5-3 hrs and that she doesn't care if she's a good napper cuz she sleeps thru the night.

Today I decided to feed her an hr earlier just to see what happened. She had been inconsolable for 20 mins when I finally gave her the bottle. Well wouldn't you know that she got all happy and played nicely for almost 2 hours! Told DCM thinking she'd be happy she had such a good day. Nope, she's pissed. She' absolutely adamant that her DD does not need to eat more than every 4 hrs. But she seems to be getting more and more upset with me that the baby is so unhappy.

This type of rigid schedule is new to me since I demand fed all 3 of my kids and all of the babies I've nannied for over the years. Can anyone give me any help, suggestions, etc? I need to keep this income coming in and would love to find a way to ease both the baby and my stress level. But if this keeps up for too much longer I'm going to lose my marbles.

TIA!

I don't think a 4 month old should be on such a rigid schedule either. Of course unless you provide the formula (I assume mom brings the bottles already made up?) you would have to supply it out of your own pocket.
I would not want to be dishonest either but maybe what the mom doesn't know is for the best. It does concern me that the child is likely unhappy at home too since she's hungry! Can you do some online research to see what ther normal feeding lengths should be? I know they used to say formula-fed babies could go 4 hrs between feeds but for a 4 month old that may be too long.

[melskids]

in my opinion, you have 3 options....

1. print out some info about the feeding needs and schedules of infants to share with mom, try to get her to understand, maybe even get the pediatrician involved

2. fudge it and feed the baby when you want to, not the honest road, but it is a choice.

3. tell her you can no longer accomodate her requests as you feel it goes against your philosophies, and terminate.

good luck!!

[mac60]

i express to parents at interviews that i feed ON DEMAND...regardless if its every 2hrs or every hour...sometimes at certain ages they hit a spurt and need more to hold them over kwim? i cant stand parents who go 'by the book' and do the ever 2-4hr exact bottles...."sorry suzy but u have 30 more mins till u eat" "u have to scream till then" .... grrr....

do u supply formula? if so i would do as u please and dont tell her. sometimes i feel what a parent doesnt know wont hurt!

if they supply she might have a can of formula all figured out and feedings and KNOW when its time to replace LOL so then i would tell her its either feed on demand or she will have to find a replacement provider as you can not meet this childs needs or parents needs at that....

lots of luck to you!

I agree. It is absolutely rediculous to expect a provider to deal with a screaching baby because a parent is too stubborn to fed the infant when hungry. I have found, that breastfed babies are so much worse when it comes to feedings....they require much more often feedings.

[marniewon]

That's ridiculous - causing undue stress on baby and provider - sure mom doesn't care, she doesn't have to deal with it!!

My handbook states very clearly that infants will be fed on demand. Do you have a contract? Is that stated in there? Because if the parent signed it then she is consenting to feeding on demand no matter what she told you.

I realize you need this income, but is it worth your sanity?? Me, I'd tell mom that I only feed on demand here and if she needs a stricter schedule she'll need to find someone else to accomodate her.

[SilverSabre25]

No, no, no, NO!! I bet I know exactly what this woman is doing: she's most likely following the principles of some incredible morons known as Ezzo or possibly Pearl. She's most likely using the parenting book "On Becoming Babywise"--a book that advocates such things as feeding only every 4 hours. This book has been the cause of more cases of malnutrition and failure to thrive than probably any other out there. Actually, most of them probably do not cause those problems, but parents who try to follow this one rigidly cause MAJOR issues. Eventually she'll quit crying 'cause she'll have given up hope that her needs will ever be met. This makes me so, SO angry--I actually heard in one of my college courses that Ezzo, who wrote the damn book, actually came out once and said, "Don't use it, my theories were wrong, you will be causing more harm than good by trying to follow that book" and yet it's still out there, still in print, and still used by parents who believe that babies are a nuisance who are out to control you even at 4 months old or younger.

My suggestions to you are the same as melskids:

1. print out some info about the feeding needs and schedules of infants to share with mom, try to get her to understand, maybe even get the pediatrician involved

2. fudge it and feed the baby when you want to, not the honest road, but it is a choice.

3. tell her you can no longer accomodate her requests as you feel it goes against your philosophies, and terminate.

[Unregistered]

Thanks ladies. DCG had her 4m WCC yesterday and gained 4#9.5oz in 8w so neither mom nor pedi think it's hunger. I suggested fewer oz/bottle but feeding more often. No go. I don't feel I can lie to her and she does follow this strict rule at home. Let's baby CIO until next bottle.

Parent's supply formula. She's on expensive special formula because they claim she has reflux. I've never seen it, she's a happy spitter. But if you alternately stuff her full of formula then starve her until her next bottle of course she's going to spit up. Duh!

We do have a contract and there's a bit more that she's not following. Showing up 20 mins early now, showing up late, etc. So there's more at work here. Most important is the healthy and wellbeing of the child so I've been working that and ignoring the other stuff. But it's time for a good long talk. I need to offer up my additional 3 spots because we need the money but I've been holding off since this baby is such a handful.

She's napping at the moment so after I respond I'll have a look through our state regs and get some info. She will not appreciate it, but after a long conversation with DH (my voice of reason) I'm done with her if she won't allow for some flexibility. She won't get what she wants from anyone around and certainly not the center she was going to use.

Thanks again. And I'm glad I found someplace to get some info and support.

[Blackcat31]

That's ridiculous - causing undue stress on baby and provider - sure mom doesn't care, she doesn't have to deal with it!!

My handbook states very clearly that infants will be fed on demand. Do you have a contract? Is that stated in there? Because if the parent signed it then she is consenting to feeding on demand no matter what she told you.

I realize you need this income, but is it worth your sanity?? Me, I'd tell mom that I only feed on demand here and if she needs a stricter schedule she'll need to find someone else to accomodate her.

I agree about the handbook and if a parent agrees to your policies, if not then mom has a right to dictate how her child is fed.....whether we agree or not.
I also agree that not feeding a child when they are hungry is sad...I would NEVER have done that to my child either, but ladies...this is HER child. She can do as she pleases! Lying, and feeding the child when you want and then not telling the mother is so wrong on many different levels! The only ownership you have in this is whether you are willing to put up with her parenting style/rules. If not, then terminate her so she can find child care that meets her needs. Every parent is entitled to choose how they parent and just because we need the income is no excuse to just ignore her requests and do as we please! If I were a parent and thought my wishes were ignored I would be furious!!
I think your only option is to be honest with her, discuss your beliefs and what you know to be true and let her decide if she is willing to conform to on demand feeding. If not and the baby keeps driving you bonkers...tell her you can't do it any more. No amount of $ is worth your sanity. This mom will probably go through a few daycares before she either finds the error in her ways or will end up being a stay-at-home mom.
Lying about it is just another reason FCC get bad reps! Parents talk...they are our best adverstisments!!! I would NEVER use the "what she doesn't know doesn't hurt her" way of thinking!

[MommyMuffin]

I was wondering if you have an update for us?

I have a 4mo FT DCG whose been in my care since the last week of August. Days 1-3 were fine. Days 4-current have been miserable. She is super high needs, barely naps, screeches, wails, shrill crying most of the day. Mom is insisting that she be on an every 4 hour bottle, but my gut is that she's hungry sooner and that's causing all of the above stress. Mom refuses to allow any changes to the feeding schedule. She basically said that crying is part of caring for a baby, she can't possibly need to eat every 2.5-3 hrs and that she doesn't care if she's a good napper cuz she sleeps thru the night.

Today I decided to feed her an hr earlier just to see what happened. She had been inconsolable for 20 mins when I finally gave her the bottle. Well wouldn't you know that she got all happy and played nicely for almost 2 hours! Told DCM thinking she'd be happy she had such a good day. Nope, she's pissed. She' absolutely adamant that her DD does not need to eat more than every 4 hrs. But she seems to be getting more and more upset with me that the baby is so unhappy.

This type of rigid schedule is new to me since I demand fed all 3 of my kids and all of the babies I've nannied for over the years. Can anyone give me any help, suggestions, etc? I need to keep this income coming in and would love to find a way to ease both the baby and my stress level. But if this keeps up for too much longer I'm going to lose my marbles.

TIA!

[Unregistered]

I have a 4mo FT DCG whose been in my care since the last week of August. Days 1-3 were fine. Days 4-current have been miserable. She is super high needs, barely naps, screeches, wails, shrill crying most of the day. Mom is insisting that she be on an every 4 hour bottle, but my gut is that she's hungry sooner and that's causing all of the above stress. Mom refuses to allow any changes to the feeding schedule. She basically said that crying is part of caring for a baby, she can't possibly need to eat every 2.5-3 hrs and that she doesn't care if she's a good napper cuz she sleeps thru the night.

Today I decided to feed her an hr earlier just to see what happened. She had been inconsolable for 20 mins when I finally gave her the bottle. Well wouldn't you know that she got all happy and played nicely for almost 2 hours! Told DCM thinking she'd be happy she had such a good day. Nope, she's pissed. She' absolutely adamant that her DD does not need to eat more than every 4 hrs. But she seems to be getting more and more upset with me that the baby is so unhappy.

This type of rigid schedule is new to me since I demand fed all 3 of my kids and all of the babies I've nannied for over the years. Can anyone give me any help, suggestions, etc? I need to keep this income coming in and would love to find a way to ease both the baby and my stress level. But if this keeps up for too much longer I'm going to lose my marbles.

TIA!

Tell her if she wants her to eat a bottle every 4 hours (the normal is every 3 to 4 hours for formula feed and every 2 to 3 hours for breastfed) then she NEEDS to start bringing rice cereal and stage 1 jars of food she can start eating these now that she is 4 months old or up her ounces of milk if Mom says she doesnt want her having baby food at 4 months old or wanna up her ounces then tell her you will be feeding her every 3 hours and for her to come up with a new shecdule.

[Lilbutterflie]

Oh my gosh! This poor little baby! This makes me so sad...

I would check your state guidelines... some states actually have restrictions against feeding every few hours. They say daycare providers must feed babies on demand.

Plus, when you have a child go to a daycare; you are giving up all control over their schedules. You now follow the daycare schedule, it's just a form of control the parent must give up when submitting their child to daycare. Your house, your rules, your standards. If she doesn't like it, she needs to find a nanny who will follow her rules in her own house.

[laundryduchess@yahoo.com]

I would simply tell her that refusing food to an infant is neglect and that you refuse to do it. Remind her that feeding on demand is the right way to help a child self satisfy and figure out their own body and its needs. If it a money issue, where she has budgeted for only so many bottles a day that you can recommend some local programs to her, If it is some other reason to please explain it to you because it seems to you as child neglect and since you are a mandated reporter,......

[JenNJ]

this is HER child. She can do as she pleases! Lying, and feeding the child when you want and then not telling the mother is so wrong on many different levels! The only ownership you have in this is whether you are willing to put up with her parenting style/rules. If not, then terminate her so she can find child care that meets her needs. Every parent is entitled to choose how they parent and just because we need the income is no excuse to just ignore her requests and do as we please! If I were a parent and thought my wishes were ignored I would be furious!!

I have to disagree 100% here. What the mother is doing is WRONG and DANGEROUS. This IS a form of neglect and abuse. What is wrong is starving a hungry baby. It is MORE wrong to starve a child than it is to ignore a request by an ignorant, lazy parent. And as a DCP, she can be held legally responsible if this child became malnourished. Just bc this woman had a child does NOT make her an expert on infant nutrition.

If this were me in your shoes, I would print out the info as a another person suggested, tell the mother you will be feeding on demand, if she refuses to supply the extra formula I would buy it and give her the invoice for the extra formula. If the mother freaks out or terminates, I would call CPS because as a state mandated reporter you are duty bound to report neglect and abuse.

And make no mistake, this is starvation. An infant has no other way of telling its caregiver that it is hungry other than to cry. So if this child is crying, and being fed makes the crying stop, then the child is HUNGRY and NEEDS to be fed. Anything less is completely unacceptable.