Child Says "You Hurt Me"

[makap]

Shug there are kids who you can tell to knock it off. That's a good start. But read the op a couple of times. ALL of it. That kid is not one of them. That kid has been told already.

Here's the root behavior: kid as a new one year old starts getting handsy with Mom...slaps her two handed then one handed over time. He bites her shoulder then moves upward over time to her neck then face. He flails and kicks when she has him go down or away. Every time he does that from one to two she says: stop you are hurting mommy. Every time he hears her words to stop he bursts into crying. By 2 and a half he's escalated it to kicking her and pulling on her. She says over and over... stop you're hurting mommy. When he implodes with crying she HUGS HIM... softens her voice and coddles him. Every time he's in trouble for being physical with her the end game is cuddling and apologies from mommy who has just been whacked.

That goes on until HE can talk. When HE can talk he is bigger and stronger. Now he can put force into his refusals. When he gets physical with her or she has to intercede between him and harms way he cries out YOU HURT ME. The bigger the resistance ... the stronger he refuses her intercession the more she ends up hugging him and trying to settle him.

So by the time he's three he associates “you hurt me" with two things... adult affection and the no that got him with adults hands on him to go away or be blindsided by the topic HE wants the tables to turn to... the adult.

When he gets out into public or to any non parental units he gets even more. The reaction other adults give to him is fear. He doesn't understand it but he learns really quickly that whatever he did or doesn't want to do stops dead cold with those three little words. 3 years old with 3 little words can ruin someone's livlihood and even freedom.

By the time he lays that one on a non parent he gets immediately that the reaction is super intense and immediate. He doesn't know why buthe knows... human baby animals smell fear before they can spell fear.

So my response is to throw him completely off balance. Give him FOREIGN response. Give him something he's never seen before... but most of all get him back to the no that brought us all here in the first place.

That's what I'm after. I don't want to explain it. I don't want to counsel him out of it. I don't want in his gig. I don't want any bit of my energy to go to his three words. I get those words to do with as I see fit. I decide their weight. I can't leave them lying around for him to pick back up and hurl them at my freedom... my ability to raise my kid... my nurses license.

Nope... I own them now.

So I choose to turn them into SOMETHING that I can use each and every time he brings them out to play. In fact, I will bring them out to play... and eventually they will become a.part of us... a part of a layered inside joke that we just get. By the time we are done with it it won't look a bit like it did when he brought it into my house. And in the meantime he will learn that the cycle that taught him to get his way and get him loads of lovins and oh hunnies... doesn't work everywhere.It gets him nothing but what he was getting before he said those words. That's the seat I want him to sit in.

NOW I get it and oh yes!! This!

[nannyde]

Can we have a link...please?

I can't link from my phone but search daycare Whisperer brown **** hoax

[makap]

I can't link from my phone but search daycare Whisperer brown **** hoax

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hnfxh2W2G4w

[Heidi]

Watch the brown disc video. That's the tone.

I just watched it and it absolutely supports my earlier post. You come off WAY differently "in person" than in writing.

If you're a NanDe doubter, please watch the video. Then, whenever your face goes :confused: upon reading her posts, think about her tone in the video, and it'll connect.

::

[nannyde]

I just watched it and it absolutely supports my earlier post. You come off WAY differently "in person" than in writing.

If you're a NanDe doubter, please watch the video. Then, whenever your face goes :confused: upon reading her posts, think about her tone in the video, and it'll connect.

::

I love that video. They had never had girl scout cookies so they didn't know what they were.

Ahhh the moment when ONE realizes he's being punked. :-) Doesn't get any better than that.

[Unregistered]

the bestest

I love that video. They had never had girl scout cookies so they didn't know what they were.

Ahhh the moment when ONE realizes he's being punked. :-) Doesn't get any better than that.

Nan , you are simply the best !

[Starburst]

I have a child named Charlotte, her nickname is.Charley. Her parents call her that. A have a child named Natalie, her nickname is.Nats. Again, her parents call her that. That's how nicknames work, generally. Does anyone else think a child nicknamed Hermie, because he.says "you hurt me" is something this childs parents will enjoy?

Well I guess "Hermie" could be short for Herman or a hermit (like a kid that keeps to themselves or is shy). My family always called me a hermit (and "crabby") because I hardly left my room.

I used to give some of the kids at the daycare I worked at nicknames. I called one little girl named Taylor-roo because when I would wake her up from her name she always jumped up into my arms like a little Kangaroo. She lit up every time I would call her that. She once even said her nickname {with no prompting} like Scooby-Doo says his name; it was so cute! Some of the other teachers thought it was cute and called her that too. Another girl was "Bella-Boo", another one Geegers (her name was Giovanna usually went by Gigi). I always called my cousin's son Jaybird (his name is Jaydon), my mom thought it was cute and even calls him that sometimes and he always laughs when her hears it.

I think in most cases a nickname makes them feel special, as long as its done in a loving way. Though I personally wouldn't give them a nickname due to bad behavior, in some ways it can be seen as positive punishment and as a form of shaming, in other ways it can be seen as rewarding them with a new nickname that they may actually like and try to live up to(kids often try to live up to labels adults give them {both good and bad}, as the "troublemaker" in another thread pointed out). I only give kids nicknames when they do something cute/funny/cool or because they are just so awesome .

I get what your saying about if the parents found out about the nickname and how upset they would be but from what I have observed on Nannyde's site it usually seems that 'what happens in daycare, stays in daycare' and that they are taught from the beginning that home and daycare are different and never shall the two meet (especially with the 'buh-bye outside' program) .

[Lefse&Kids]

I have to say, that while the nickname suggestion may work and be funny, I will never do it and I hope OP doesn't either. Here's why...

I have experiences too close to home concerning child abuse and the children not speaking up about it for one reason and another. Just know that it can seriously harm the child by taking the power out the phrase, SERIOUSLY. How about taking the power out the situation instead?

My own son has tried this whole "stop hurting me!" many times, I get down to his level and say "ok, I'm sorry if that hurt. would you like a hug?" (I say it very point blank and open my arms with warm, no so much with "oh poor baby" feeling...and sometimes he'll take the hug, other times he'll say no), THEN I put him in time out with no interaction (other than putting him back in the spot when he gets up). When time out is done, I'll ask if he'd like a hug (again sometimes yes or no).

He serves his time out, his feelings are validated (fake or not), but he doesn't get away with any of it.

Works here with all the kids...

[nannyde]

I have to say, that while the nickname suggestion may work and be funny, I will never do it and I hope OP doesn't either. Here's why...

I have experiences too close to home concerning child abuse and the children not speaking up about it for one reason and another. Just know that it can seriously harm the child by taking the power out the phrase, SERIOUSLY. How about taking the power out the situation instead?

My own son has tried this whole "stop hurting me!" many times, I get down to his level and say "ok, I'm sorry if that hurt. would you like a hug?" (I say it very point blank and open my arms with warm, no so much with "oh poor baby" feeling...and sometimes he'll take the hug, other times he'll say no), THEN I put him in time out with no interaction (other than putting him back in the spot when he gets up). When time out is done, I'll ask if he'd like a hug (again sometimes yes or no).

He serves his time out, his feelings are validated (fake or not), but he doesn't get away with any of it.

Works here with all the kids...

You are apologizing to him for something that didn't happen and then hugging him. THAT'S what gets them to go beyond you and do it to the next adult. If he says to mommy you hurt me he doesn't get fear as a reaction. He gets special lovins. When he does it to ANYBODY that is in a care position he is putting THEM at risk.
To me, the child's growth and development is way way down in the list in these deals. Think about the poor adult who gets this flung her way. Think about the OP and HER children.

Whatever happens after he's hugged really doesn't matter to me. Once he's been acknowledged with an I'm sorry and a hug the damage is done.

[Leanna]

It's a dilution method where you take the phrase and give it s nonsensical meaning.. then shorten down even further

I would call him "you hut me" then "u hermie" then hermie. He would be called Hermie till he went to kindy here. :-)

I've done this technique a ton of times and it works great. I'm in charge of nicknames in my little world and I'm brilliant at it.

I wouldn't spend a second correcting him when he accuses. Kids do what works and those are some pretty powerful words. I would release the power from those words and then... once cured... I would model hurt to him. I would not ever try to tell him to not say it. He's been to that rodeo and he loves loves loves the adult reaction. He would be thrown off kilter Iif we used the power for silly instead of the power he has gotten of getting the adult to DO him.

To the OP, I implore you to please disregard the above advice! This is NOT a "method" or "technique" that is developmentally appropriate or based on any understanding of child development.

There is a difference between methods that are used for guidance and discipline that are based on an understanding of young children and their development and tactics that are used solely for the providers convenience, preference, or as a means for looking out for themselves first.

There are ways to provide appropriate limitations, boundaries, and consequences for behavior and still preserve your own well-being, etc. If you are concerned that the child will make unfair claims about being hurt, for example, you could immediately inform the parent each and every time the child says this, document thoroughly and accurately what happened before, during, and after each of these claims is made, be vigilant about keeping your daily health check up to date, DO teach the child the difference between truth and lies, & conference with the parents. If you are still concerned, you could even go as far as videotaping yourself or inviting your sub to come and observe as a witness.

Many times, doing what is best for the child is not easy. It is time consuming and it can be tempting to do what is easiest for the adult. In no way am I saying you have to sacrifice your own sanity and well-being, I am saying there are ways to take care of both the child and yourself that do not involve engaging in practices that are questionable at best and even potentially harmful.

[Cradle2crayons]

To the OP, I implore you to please disregard the above advice! This is NOT a "method" or "technique" that is developmentally appropriate or based on any understanding of child development.

There is a difference between methods that are used for guidance and discipline that are based on an understanding of young children and their development and tactics that are used solely for the providers convenience, preference, or as a means for looking out for themselves first.

There are ways to provide appropriate limitations, boundaries, and consequences for behavior and still preserve your own well-being, etc. If you are concerned that the child will make unfair claims about being hurt, for example, you could immediately inform the parent each and every time the child says this, document thoroughly and accurately what happened before, during, and after each of these claims is made, be vigilant about keeping your daily health check up to date, DO teach the child the difference between truth and lies, & conference with the parents. If you are still concerned, you could even go as far as videotaping yourself or inviting your sub to come and observe as a witness.

Many times, doing what is best for the child is not easy. It is time consuming and it can be tempting to do what is easiest for the adult. In no way am I saying you have to sacrifice your own sanity and well-being, I am saying there are ways to take care of both the child and yourself that do not involve engaging in practices that are questionable at best and even potentially harmful.

Absolutely agree

[Lefse&Kids]

OP, I do also tell them they are not hurt. Lies are not ignored but addressed at that time... but to take a powerful statement (in my opinion it is powerful) to essentially nothing is not a reliable method to me. I get the idea of the method Nannyde uses, but I still disagree for my reason posted earlier.

Two parents told me last week how well their kids played with others, and told me they think I do a great job helping with their social skills. So it does work HERE. Whether it will work for you or not, I don't know.

Children do what works to get their way and what they want/need. And while children can become natural masters of adult manipulation quickly.....as adults, sometimes its not a game to play.

----------------------------------

"Think about the poor adult who gets this flung her way. Think about the OP and HER children."

I know you disagree Nannyde, I told her what works for our daycare and my opinion the alternate methods suggested. She'll choose what works for her and what is in the best interest of the child(ren) there.

btw, watched the video referenced, so cute

[Unregistered]

I do actually do a little mocking myself. The kids end up seeing how silly they sound, and sometimes at lunch will beg me to "do me, do me". They all have their signature phrases: "I don't WAAAAAAAANT to" or "I don't like it here". I'll put on a whiny voice like the one that defines them, and use it until they are giggling...they know how silly they sound, and the phrase gets used a LOT less. The kids aren't scarred for life, but they do learn about how they sound when they do it, and they agree that it's not going to get them anything but a laugh.

[skipper]

Have you spoken to the child's parents about this OP? I think that's the very first thing you should do because chances are if he's saying it to you, he's saying the same to them at home when he doesn't get his way.
Next I would say no, I didn't hurt you, . You hurt your friend when you threw the toy, now sit here and cool off.
If he continues to say it I'd simply ignore it and have a chat with the parents at pick up.
He's 2, tomorrow he'll be on to something else.

[Unregistered]

To the OP, I implore you to please disregard the above advice! This is NOT a "method" or "technique" that is developmentally appropriate or based on any understanding of child development.

There is a difference between methods that are used for guidance and discipline that are based on an understanding of young children and their development and tactics that are used solely for the providers convenience, preference, or as a means for looking out for themselves first.

There are ways to provide appropriate limitations, boundaries, and consequences for behavior and still preserve your own well-being, etc. If you are concerned that the child will make unfair claims about being hurt, for example, you could immediately inform the parent each and every time the child says this, document thoroughly and accurately what happened before, during, and after each of these claims is made, be vigilant about keeping your daily health check up to date, DO teach the child the difference between truth and lies, & conference with the parents. If you are still concerned, you could even go as far as videotaping yourself or inviting your sub to come and observe as a witness.

Many times, doing what is best for the child is not easy. It is time consuming and it can be tempting to do what is easiest for the adult. In no way am I saying you have to sacrifice your own sanity and well-being, I am saying there are ways to take care of both the child and yourself that do not involve engaging in practices that are questionable at best and even potentially harmful.

I agree 100%.