Child Says "You Hurt Me"

[MizzCheryl]

That sounds waaaaaay too close to mocking or shaming for my tastes.

OP, I would first and foremost make sure that the parents know he's saying this and there's no cause for it. Let them know that seems to you to be a bid to get out of trouble.

Then, when he says something like "You hurt my arm," I would let him know sternly that you're sorry he feels like you hurt him, but you did NOT hold him hard enough to hurt and you do NOT appreciate exaggerating. It's not an okay thing to say when it's not true. If he keeps it up, you can tell him straight up, "That is a LIE. I did not hurt you and you know it."

NO WAY!
Not mocking at all. Why do you think he says that? Think about it.

Your suggestion gives him even more power. Nannyde's suggestion takes the power out of his comments.
You think calling him a liar is less shameful than just making light of his comment?
I disagree.
You are suggesting to stand there and argue with a 3 yr old, no way.

[Heidi]

NO WAY!
Not mocking at all. Why do you think he says that? Think about it.

Your suggestion gives him even more power. Nannyde's suggestion takes the power out of his comments.
You think calling him a liar is less shameful than just making light of his comment?
I disagree.
You are suggesting to stand there and argue with a 3 yr old, no way.

Wait! She isn't saying "you are a liar" she is saying "you are telling a lie". Not a word I usually throw around (it's one of those words I find harsh and avoid, but it's not wrong). I would say "fib" or "boy, you are really using your imagination on that". But, that's me and my aversion's of the word's problem.

I get what Nan was trying to say, and I know she's used a similar technique when kids say swear words (I've have learned that some things come across differently in writing). I think the part where the other kids chime in is across the line, though.

[SilverSabre25]

NO WAY!
Not mocking at all. Why do you think he says that? Think about it.

Your suggestion gives him even more power. Nannyde's suggestion takes the power out of his comments.
You think calling him a liar is less shameful than just making light of his comment?
I disagree.
You are suggesting to stand there and argue with a 3 yr old, no way.

You think your way, I'll think mine, thank you. Yes I do think that name calling and calling him "youhurtme" is mocking. And egging on the other kids to call him that too is encouraging bullying. Sorry, not something I encourage here. And you don't call a three year old derogatory names.

I'm not saying stand there and argue with a 3 year old. Arguing with three year olds is about as useful as teaching a cat to cook dinner. I don't know where you got that idea, but you're reading something into my advice that I didn't put there.

[makap]

I would tell the child that if he listened, I wouldn't need to lead him to time out. I would tell the parents what is going on. I would stop using his arm and begin using his hand, leading by hands on his back, or picking him up to move him. I would use a playpen to contain him in timeouts if he refused to sit in time out.

He is seeing how you react. He says, "You hurt me." You say, "Johnny, no one hurt you. Your feelings may be hurt, but I did not hurt you. It is time out time. Sit on the step/chair/spot. We do NOT throw toys. No throwing." Hear, validate, explain. Not shameful and very effective.

I think telling him that phrase over and over can be confusing. It teaches nothing and helps no one. What happens if someone DOES hurt him and he thinks that phrase means nothing? I think messing with a TODDLER to assert power over him is a dangerous and immature game. Having other kids tease him and shame him -- c'mon. Are you kidding me?

That sounds waaaaaay too close to mocking or shaming for my tastes.

OP, I would first and foremost make sure that the parents know he's saying this and there's no cause for it. Let them know that seems to you to be a bid to get out of trouble.

Then, when he says something like "You hurt my arm," I would let him know sternly that you're sorry he feels like you hurt him, but you did NOT hold him hard enough to hurt and you do NOT appreciate exaggerating. It's not an okay thing to say when it's not true. If he keeps it up, you can tell him straight up, "That is a LIE. I did not hurt you and you know it."

Both of these are excellent!! I myself would not use the word lie as I don't like it, I would maybe say "that is a tall tale" or something like that, but otherwise, I think both of these answers are great!

[nannyde]

Wait! She isn't saying "you are a liar" she is saying "you are telling a lie". Not a word I usually throw around (it's one of those words I find harsh and avoid, but it's not wrong). I would say "fib" or "boy, you are really using your imagination on that". But, that's me and my aversion's of the word's problem.

I get what Nan was trying to say, and I know she's used a similar technique when kids say swear words (I've have learned that some things come across differently in writing). I think the part where the other kids chime in is across the line, though.

It's a dilution method where you take the phrase and give it s nonsensical meaning.. then shorten down even further

I would call him "you hut me" then "u hermie" then hermie. He would be called Hermie till he went to kindy here. :-)

I've done this technique a ton of times and it works great. I'm in charge of nicknames in my little world and I'm brilliant at it.

I wouldn't spend a second correcting him when he accuses. Kids do what works and those are some pretty powerful words. I would release the power from those words and then... once cured... I would model hurt to him. I would not ever try to tell him to not say it. He's been to that rodeo and he loves loves loves the adult reaction. He would be thrown off kilter Iif we used the power for silly instead of the power he has gotten of getting the adult to DO him.

[nannyde]

Both of these are excellent!! I myself would not use the word lie as I don't like it, I would maybe say "that is a tall tale" or something like that, but otherwise, I think both of these answers are great!

The kid will definitely like that but I don't think it will stop him from saying it the next time he's physically being taken to another place.

He will like it though. He's saying those words because he can command an adult to take their hands off him AND he gets the bonus of some one to one each time. You could be talking about dental surgery afterwards and it will go into his brain the same. He gets the adult got. That's what he's after.

It changes the matrix of the situation from his consequence for disobeying to an adult being put in the hot seat and then intense one to one. It is brilliant BUT he didn't invent it. Many lil creeps before him have tried the projection deflection. He's just been successful enough to try it on someone other than family.

[SilverSabre25]

No. That tactic seems entirely, incredibly disrespectful. i could never do that, not in a million years. Doesn't matter how well it works. It crosses a line.

Just...no.

[JoseyJo]

I would beat him to the punch... as soon as you have to manually move him look at him and say “you hurt me" over and over again as you are moving him. THEN give him the directive of “sit and stay". If he keeps it up I would nickname him “you hurt me" and would call him that every day all day long. I would pray the kids join in and refer to him as "you-hurt-me" too. That phrase would be the number one phrase at my house until it completely lost it's meaning.

It's a powerful phrase so I would leash the power of it and use it to my advantage. Two can play that game.

Thank you so much Nanny De!

I have a little one who just turned 3 yo. Every time he gets redirected or has to do anything he doesn't want he starts crying "mommy, mommy" and does a little fit for about 30 sec to a minute, then does whatever I want. - It happens at least 20 times every day! Today when he started it I said "mommy, mommy, mommy" (not in a teasing way or anything, just saying the word) and he looked at me like I was crazy, then just did what I asked! happyface Every time he started it up again I started saying or singing the word. He only tired it a handful of times, then he just started doing what I wanted happily without having to do the cry/mommy thing first.


_ Edit_ I just read through the comments after nanny de's original one (I read that this morning and just posted my response w/o reading the comments after.)

I didn't take what she said as teasing, mocking, making fun of, or anything like that! I took it as "taking the power out of the word"- as in he is getting a lot of inappropriate attention for saying "you hurt me" (or "mommy, mommy" in my case) when the TRUTH is that no one hurt him, and mine doesn't want his mommy at all! They both just want out of what they don't want to do and for whatever reason that specific phrase has worked to get them out of trouble and into a discussion. Just like all the parents we talk about on these threads who will say anything they need to so you will not term them, but then go right back to the bad behaviors- kids find out what "words" work for what they want and use them.

I am not sure of the exact way that Nanny De does it since I am reading it instead of hearing it- but what I did was say in a silly/ sing song voice the word after he started using it and guided him to do what I wanted him to do. It worked great- he didn't seem embarrassed, mad, sad, or anything- it really just set him back on the tracks from his mommy, mommy dis-railing and he went about doing what he was supposed to w/o having to throw the fit first. The other kids didn't even seem to notice me doing it, didn't question me about it, stop what they were doing, or really pay any attention at all. I sing silly things all the time

[Sugar Magnolia]

It's a dilution method where you take the phrase and give it s nonsensical meaning.. then shorten down even further

I would call him "you hut me" then "u hermie" then hermie. He would be called Hermie till he went to kindy here. :-)

I've done this technique a ton of times and it works great. I'm in charge of nicknames in my little world and I'm brilliant at it.

I wouldn't spend a second correcting him when he accuses. Kids do what works and those are some pretty powerful words. I would release the power from those words and then... once cured... I would model hurt to him. I would not ever try to tell him to not say it. He's been to that rodeo and he loves loves loves the adult reaction. He would be thrown off kilter Iif we used the power for silly instead of the power he has gotten of getting the adult to DO him.

Still going to strongly disagree. As a parent, I would really go majorly ballistic if someone gave my.child.any "nickname" that evolved from the phrase "you hurt me". I don't think it's "silly", I think it's belittling.. I just can't understand why you would encourage name calling. Children should be addressed by their name. Or sweetie, or honey.
So by this reasoning, if you had a child who keeps saying "I don't like you" and you want to stop that behavior, do you call the child "I don't like you" as a nickname? Then "don't like". Then "don't". Then you have a child going to kindergarten with the nickname "don't" because he had an issue saying "I don't like you" two years ago. Baffling.

[Heidi]

The kid will definitely like that but I don't think it will stop him from saying it the next time he's physically being taken to another place.

He will like it though. He's saying those words because he can command an adult to take their hands off him AND he gets the bonus of some one to one each time. You could be talking about dental surgery afterwards and it will go into his brain the same. He gets the adult got. That's what he's after.

It changes the matrix of the situation from his consequence for disobeying to an adult being put in the hot seat and then intense one to one. It is brilliant BUT he didn't invent it. Many lil creeps before him have tried the projection deflection. He's just been successful enough to try it on someone other than family.

Nan-

I have to tell you that I sometimes didn't get what you were saying until someone directed me to a couple of your Youtube videos. That put things into a different perspective for me, because "in person" you come off much sweeter than how your posts could be read. You have a very sunny, friendly way of saying things, but in writing, that can easily be missed. lovethis

[makap]

Thank you so much Nanny De!

I have a little one who just turned 3 yo. Every time he gets redirected or has to do anything he doesn't want he starts crying "mommy, mommy" and does a little fit for about 30 sec to a minute, then does whatever I want. - It happens at least 20 times every day! Today when he started it I said "mommy, mommy, mommy" (not in a teasing way or anything, just saying the word) and he looked at me like I was crazy, then just did what I asked! happyface Every time he started it up again I started saying or singing the word. He only tired it a handful of times, then he just started doing what I wanted happily without having to do the cry/mommy thing first.

Thanks so much!

To be honest, I have used this in the past for example with whining. In a whiny voice back I have said, I can't understand you.....or if a child has done the pretend cry thing with no tears to get their way, I would pretend to cry back and it does work. But to nickname him “you hurt me" and to call him that every day all day long and pray the kids join in and refer to him as "you-hurt-me" too? That phrase being the number one phrase at my house until it completely lost it's meaning? I do not agree with this.

I have to say that I love you and almost all of your advice nannyde :-) but this I could not do.

[Sugar Magnolia]

I have a child named Charlotte, her nickname is.Charley. Her parents call her that. A have a child named Natalie, her nickname is.Nats. Again, her parents call her that. That's how nicknames work, generally. Does anyone else think a child nicknamed Hermie, because he.says "you hurt me" is.something this childs parents will.enjoy? Nan,.would you tell the parents WHY you give him this nickname? Or would you address the fact the child is saying this, but.clearly not being hurt? As a parent, honestly, this nickname business would make me.SUPER Suspicious the child WAS being hurt and the nickname was given to cover up something. I guess if you discussed the nickname first,.and the parents.approve, then it would be ok. But who would approve of that? Not me.

[nannyde]

No. That tactic seems entirely, incredibly disrespectful. i could never do that, not in a million years. Doesn't matter how well it works. It crosses a line.

Just...no.

It works great and zero conflict. I likey :-)

[jenn]

I don't think of that as mocking or bullying, it is just taking the power out of his statement. If the statement he is making does not get a reaction or does not get the reaction he wants, it takes the power out of it and means nothing.

[nannyde]

I have a child named Charlotte, her nickname is.Charley. Her parents call her that. A have a child named Natalie, her nickname is.Nats. Again, her parents call her that. That's how nicknames work, generally. Does anyone else think a child nicknamed Hermie, because he.says "you hurt me" is.something this childs parents will.enjoy? Nan,.would you tell the parents WHY you give him this nickname? Or would you address the fact the child is saying this, but.clearly not being hurt? As a parent, honestly, this nickname business would make me.SUPER Suspicious the child WAS being hurt and the nickname was given to cover up something. I guess if you discussed the nickname first,.and the parents.approve, then it would be ok. But who would approve of that? Not me.

I nickname the kids and I don't talk much about it to the parents. They have their own nicknames I think. Never asked.

I nickname all the kids. My last batch were Tink, Bam, JButter, MyZay, Dash, One, MStone and Blue Isaac on Wi (Blue for short). It sometimes comes to me quickly and most often it evolves.