Would It Be Wrong?

[SilverSabre25]

Well the problem took care of itself. Found one of these:

http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/41dhWMYfFGL._SX385_.jpg

at Once Upon a Child today. It's legitimately too small for the older boys to play with. There is NO negotiation on this one! The Cozy Coupe I wanted wasn't available in the stores, so I'll shoot for that at Christmas, when one problem boy will be gone and the other will be 5.

I just hope now that no one says I should have gotten something that everyone can play with, just because the other kids will be sad that they don't have something new for them.

re: MissAnn
Giving him those toys that are HIS helps with boundaries for HIM--he knows that he doesn't have to fight for the "resource" essentially, and makes him less likely to walk over to the other kids and snatch/hit/push/bite. He can be more easily redirected "Jimmy is using that dino, but here's YOUR brachiosaurus you can use!" Somehow, it's working for him. AND--he's voluntarily "invented" the idea of trading. Just this past week he has started trying to trade his special thing for the thing in the other boy's hand.

I'm keeping an eye out for a third Cozy Coupe, but I refuse to buy my son a birthday present that he has to turn around and let everyone else share the very next day...he doesn't understand yet. he's TWO. Even my 5.5 year old wouldn't be happy about having to immediately share an exciting new toy of her own.

We've had problems in the past with one of the older boys thinking that all the birthday presents DD got were actually his. It broke her heart and she never did play with a few of the things that he tried to claim...

Enrolling new kids is not that simple around here and I haven't had an inquiry for a toddler in over a year. I'm also full right now, won't have space until the fall.

He's already apart from the older boys. He basically never gets to play anywhere or with anyone but me...because they push him away, and because I can't trust him (due to the aforementioned hitting/biting/snatching behaviors).

Re: Willow
I will keep that in mind...though neither boy is interested in the trike and the scooter that we also have. Trust me, the cars are NOT the only ride on outdoor toys! Just the ones that my very argumentative boys argue over.

Re:Crystal
I see your points, I really do. It's why I asked here I needed other perspectives.

I have been fighting for, oh, 6-9 months, to get these boys to play nice with my toddler. My toddler is VERY rough, aggressive, and rambunctious and I can't figure out how to teach him any differently. I am beginning to think that a big part of our problem is just simple personality conflicts. I'm not sure the personalities would ever get along together, even without the two year age (and maturity! such as it is ) gap.

The kicker is that I can't just...let them go...and get new clients. There just aren't new clients to be had easily, and if I don't have both of them we don't pay bills, and we're already on the edge of survival financially, so I do what I can every day to protect all of them...physically and emotionally. It's not an easy situation, and it's definitely a large part of why I live my life in a high-stress state.

[Cradle2crayons]

Well the problem took care of itself. Found one of these:

http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/41dhWMYfFGL._SX385_.jpg

at Once Upon a Child today. It's legitimately too small for the older boys to play with. There is NO negotiation on this one! The Cozy Coupe I wanted wasn't available in the stores, so I'll shoot for that at Christmas, when one problem boy will be gone and the other will be 5.

I just hope now that no one says I should have gotten something that everyone can play with, just because the other kids will be sad that they don't have something new for them.

re: MissAnn
Giving him those toys that are HIS helps with boundaries for HIM--he knows that he doesn't have to fight for the "resource" essentially, and makes him less likely to walk over to the other kids and snatch/hit/push/bite. He can be more easily redirected "Jimmy is using that dino, but here's YOUR brachiosaurus you can use!" Somehow, it's working for him. AND--he's voluntarily "invented" the idea of trading. Just this past week he has started trying to trade his special thing for the thing in the other boy's hand.

I'm keeping an eye out for a third Cozy Coupe, but I refuse to buy my son a birthday present that he has to turn around and let everyone else share the very next day...he doesn't understand yet. he's TWO. Even my 5.5 year old wouldn't be happy about having to immediately share an exciting new toy of her own.

We've had problems in the past with one of the older boys thinking that all the birthday presents DD got were actually his. It broke her heart and she never did play with a few of the things that he tried to claim...

Enrolling new kids is not that simple around here and I haven't had an inquiry for a toddler in over a year. I'm also full right now, won't have space until the fall.

He's already apart from the older boys. He basically never gets to play anywhere or with anyone but me...because they push him away, and because I can't trust him (due to the aforementioned hitting/biting/snatching behaviors).

Re: Willow
I will keep that in mind...though neither boy is interested in the trike and the scooter that we also have. Trust me, the cars are NOT the only ride on outdoor toys! Just the ones that my very argumentative boys argue over.

Re:Crystal
I see your points, I really do. It's why I asked here I needed other perspectives.

I have been fighting for, oh, 6-9 months, to get these boys to play nice with my toddler. My toddler is VERY rough, aggressive, and rambunctious and I can't figure out how to teach him any differently. I am beginning to think that a big part of our problem is just simple personality conflicts. I'm not sure the personalities would ever get along together, even without the two year age (and maturity! such as it is ) gap.

The kicker is that I can't just...let them go...and get new clients. There just aren't new clients to be had easily, and if I don't have both of them we don't pay bills, and we're already on the edge of survival financially, so I do what I can every day to protect all of them...physically and emotionally. It's not an easy situation, and it's definitely a large part of why I live my life in a high-stress state.

I completely agree with everything you have said.

Like you said, regardless of what the birthday present is, it's NOT FAIR to him to ask him to share a new birthday present.

When holidays come around, and my kids get new, I ask them to pick X things of their older room toys to donate to the daycare. Is stuff they rarely play with, but the daycare kids feel like they got new toys too.

It works great for us.

[Willow]

Awesome find! I love that!!!

[lovemykidstoo]

That is an awesome ride on toy. I hope your son loves it. I know he will!happyface

[Live and Learn]

I'm sure your son will love the toy. Nice find.

I'm sure the 4 year olds have toys at your house that your young son can't or isn't allowed to play with. (I'm thinking toys with chokable pieces.)

[julie]

Thank you for all of the (respectful!) input ladies. I appreciate it and it has given me a lot to think about.

I can see both sides of the issue of the provider's kids getting special, but I can also put myself in DS's little toddler shoes and see it from his side, and I can see it from a couple other sides as well. It's complicated being inside my head.

And I'm no closer to a decision than I was before. And I'm grumpily edging towards a space of feeling like I can't ever have anything nice for my own kids because of the daycare. Which is a sad place to be in...for me and for them. DD is easy at least. The boys aren't interested in her stuff and she's older now. But DS is harder because the older boys insist on being nasty to him and his toys are so enticing to them.

Hey, I wouldn't let the business aspect factor in, to be honest. This is your kid, and this is his birthday. What does he want? If the cozy coupe is what he would really want, then I would get it. You might have to guess and test things to see how this special toy fits into the daycare, but I don't let the daycare run my life. I am running a daycare at home FOR my kids. They deserve me at home. I plan fun activities with THEM in mind. All of the other kids that are in my home are present for it all, and I really do care for them and give them a great time here, but they are not my kids and I would never let what a client would think change what I would get for my kid for his birthday. Nor would I let a client dictate what toys can and should be shared with their children.

I would never let my kid feel like his needs factor in as "less than" my business. He is not, and showing him that does not imply favoritism, in my opinion. Quite frankly, I deal with the outcomes of what happens when parents prioritize their work, their "me time" over their children, and I have not made that choice, so I refuse to let my kids feel that way. Giving him the rights he would have in his home, the same as everyone else when they get home to their own toys is equal treatment, in my opinion. Giving him a birthday gift he would really like and enjoy is my right and joy as a PARENT, so I would take my provider hat off when I am making this decision.

[julie]

And...apparently I didn't read all the comments! Glad you found an awesome ride on for your kid! I hope he really enjoys it!!

[My3cents]

To clarify, my son is just turning 2--the other kids in care are more than TWICE his age. They don't/won't/can't play nice with him. They don't tolerate him. And BOTH older boys have been caught sneaking down the hall and playing in his room because "It's not fair that [DS] doesn't have to share his toys!"

I use the line about them not having to share THEIR toys at home with HIM, but they just sort of...blink at me. It doesn't really seem to compute.

So the only thing that has worked to quell the issues between DS and these boys is to declare that there are things that are DS's and while the others can play with it if he isn't...if he gets upset or asks for it back they are to relinquish it instantly. things like his favorite ball of the week, or precious dinosaur, or a particular truck.

This is the only thing that I have found that has quelled DS's increasing aggression. And the only thing I have found that gets the older boys off of DS's back.

I feel your child's space is your child's space. Daycare space is the space allowed for the kids. If I were you...............my son's room would be off limits to the daycare kids and I would be upset for them to go in there if they knew it was a NO NO If your child chooses to bring something out during daycare hours to play then it should be shared.

It is in general not nice to sit in front of someone else with something that they can't be involved in too. In general. Kind of taunting.

Food is a big thing for me. I feel it is rude to eat in front of someone else with out offering to share. If my kids want special snack they have to do it out of site of the other kids or have what the other kids are having. I know how I felt when on the playground this one kid had the best snack and would always want me to share mine but then would not share or sit in delight eating it while I had none and also know that my parent would not send me to school with pringles,or give me just one and tell me to make it last. I try to treat everyone as fair as possible. Special comes after work and then my kids get to do stuff they don't when daycare is going.

[My3cents]

I see your point, but why can't your child have nice things AFTER the other children have left? It would be the same if he were in daycare elsewhere. He'd go to daycare, play with daycare toys, then come home and play with his own toys. Just like you DCK do.

As far as the other children being mean to him, I'd put a stop to that immediately. They'd lose every privilege that they overstepped boundaries on....even if that ended up being everything by the end of the day. They'd be informed that it would not be tolerated for one second, just as you would not tolerate anyone being mean to them. My son's toys would be strictly available to him only, but in his room only, which is where he would have to go if he wanted to play with them during daycare hours. I'd put up a gate to the hallway that leads to his room to keep the other kids away from his room.

and the post before I knew if I just waited and read on I wouldn't have to exercise my digits.

[Unregistered]

Not saying it is wrong, just not the approach I take. All items out during daycare time are deemed "ours for sharing." There is no "mine." If the item is not for sharing then in remains out of the daycare space during daycare hours.

[TheGoodLife]

I'm so glad you found something, I hope he loves it and the other boys leave him alone to enjoy it!!! happyface