Please Help Me Understand Difference Between Backbone And Passive Aggressive

[EntropyControlSpecialist]

Good read.

[MamaBearCanada]

This thread has some great advice! I'm finding the more I use my backbone the easier it gets. I would have been lost without this forum.

[Blackcat31]

There's an art to being direct without being harsh or witchy, that I haven't mastered yet.

This is very true!

A lot of people seem to equate having a backbone with being a bitch.

That is so not necessary or true at all.

There IS a fine line to being firm and still friendly and approachable.

I don't have a secret formula for that, but it is important to be able to be firm and enforce your policies so you aren't getting trampled on but still doing it in a nice way.

The comment/feedback I hear most often when I ask people to be a reference for me is that I am always smiling and happy.....

I enforce my policies with a smile on my face. Firm does NOT mean mad, angry or upset.

To me, being firm means, empathizing with a family but NOT feeling the need to act due to those feelings.

Just because DCM's car broke down, her oldest DD needs $1,000's of dollars worth of dental work and she got her hours cut at work doesn't mean I am obligated to do anything other than what I normally do.

I feel bad for her. I really really do but at the end of the day, MY family still has needs too and I cannot put another family's needs before my own so instead I look that DCM in the face and tell her I feel awful for her.

I say I really hope she is able to find a way to make ends meet and that if she needs to discontinue child care, I will miss her and her kids but completely understand.

NO WHERE in that scenario though do I offer her a discount or a break in policies.

That's the difference for me PERSONALLY. I DO feel bad....I just don't act on those feelings.

[wahmof3]

This is very true!

A lot of people seem to equate having a backbone with being a bitch.

That is so not necessary or true at all.

There IS a fine line to being firm and still friendly and approachable.

I don't have a secret formula for that, but it is important to be able to be firm and enforce your policies so you aren't getting trampled on but still doing it in a nice way.

The comment/feedback I hear most often when I ask people to be a reference for me is that I am always smiling and happy.....

I enforce my policies with a smile on my face. Firm does NOT mean mad, angry or upset.

To me, being firm means, empathizing with a family but NOT feeling the need to act due to those feelings.

Just because DCM's car broke down, her oldest DD needs $1,000's of dollars worth of dental work and she got her hours cut at work doesn't mean I am obligated to do anything I normally do.

I feel bad for her. I really really do but at the end of the day, MY family still has needs too and I cannot put another family's needs before my own so instead I look that DCM in the face and tell her I feel awful for her.

I say I really hope she is able to find a way to make ends meet and that if she needs to discontinue child care, I will miss her and her kids but completely understand.

NO WHERE in that scenario though do I offer her a discount or a break in policies.

That's the difference for me PERSONALLY. I DO feel bad....I just don't act on those feelings.

This is EXACTLY how I want to be, but all too often my adrenaline kicks in and my anger/upset comes out. I want to be the smily upbeat rule enforcer that you discuss here.

I need and will get there- hopefully sooner than later.

Now I need to find a way to "practice"

Thanks again for all of the wonderful advice!! I cannot express how grateful I am to be able to come here and get honest help. lovethis

[cheerfuldom]

This is very true!

A lot of people seem to equate having a backbone with being a bitch.

That is so not necessary or true at all.

There IS a fine line to being firm and still friendly and approachable.

I don't have a secret formula for that, but it is important to be able to be firm and enforce your policies so you aren't getting trampled on but still doing it in a nice way.

The comment/feedback I hear most often when I ask people to be a reference for me is that I am always smiling and happy.....

I enforce my policies with a smile on my face. Firm does NOT mean mad, angry or upset.

To me, being firm means, empathizing with a family but NOT feeling the need to act due to those feelings.

Just because DCM's car broke down, her oldest DD needs $1,000's of dollars worth of dental work and she got her hours cut at work doesn't mean I am obligated to do anything other than what I normally do.

I feel bad for her. I really really do but at the end of the day, MY family still has needs too and I cannot put another family's needs before my own so instead I look that DCM in the face and tell her I feel awful for her.

I say I really hope she is able to find a way to make ends meet and that if she needs to discontinue child care, I will miss her and her kids but completely understand.

NO WHERE in that scenario though do I offer her a discount or a break in policies.

That's the difference for me PERSONALLY. I DO feel bad....I just don't act on those feelings.

well written. we need to be firm but in control. do not get outwardly upset, unprofessional or baited into arguing with a parent.

[Blackcat31]

well written. we need to be firm but in control. do not get outwardly upset, unprofessional or baited into arguing with a parent.

[daycare]

I have not read all of the other replies, but all I can think of when I read your post is what I once did.

I would say that you need NOT to let people negotiate your rules or bend them in the first place.

Adults will act just like children and throw tantrums when you take things away. If you never gave it in the first place, it will never become an issue.,

Taking away after giving it is always SOOOOOOOO much harder.

I just had to do this with one family and told them that I could no longer over look rules that were being broken. Either we all get on the same page or they needed to look for a different provider. It was pretty amazing to see them crumble at the thought of losing me. All of a sudden my polices were they best around?????? :confused:

[AmyKidsCo]

I would say that you need NOT to let people negotiate your rules or bend them in the first place.

Adults will act just like children and throw tantrums when you take things away. If you never gave it in the first place, it will never become an issue.,

Taking away after giving it is always SOOOOOOOO much harder.

I just had to do this with one family and told them that I could no longer over look rules that were being broken. Either we all get on the same page or they needed to look for a different provider. It was pretty amazing to see them crumble at the thought of losing me. All of a sudden my polices were they best around?????? :confused:

ITA but I'm guilty of giving a little here and there until suddenly I feel like a doormat. Then I write a general letter to all the parents saying what the problem is, what my policies are, and that although I've bent the policies up until now as of (date) I'm no longer able to do so and the policies will be enforced. Generally the parents are very understanding - sometimes they didn't realize that things were getting out of hand on their end until it was pointed out to them.