WWYD? Name Calling

[JoseyJo]

We still have 1 1/2 years until he ages out for K (his bday is in the fall) and I agree about the fit

Next time he acts inappropriate at p/u or d/o I am going to email or call mom and tell her that d/o and p/u too long and disruptive so person d/o for day needs to walk dcb in, say goodbye and walk out. I will take care of shoes, jackets, etc. Person p/u for the day needs to call 10 min before so we can have dcb finish up/clean up, get ready to go and will have already said his goodbyes. He will be ready and waiting when they come. If they don't like it enough to pull him I guess we aren't a good fit!!

[Luna]

Sporadically give both DCM and gma up-close and personal hugs at random moments during P/U and D/O. Make sure your feet, legs, torso and arms are all touching the length of them. Rest your head on their shoulders.

Call them a silly name while you're doing it. "Squeezy-bum" or something.

::::::

[MarinaVanessa]

Call them a silly name while you're doing it. "Squeezy-bum" or something.

::::::

Seriously . It's all about respecting someone's personal space and learning that sometimes people just don't feel comfortable about it. If DCM and gma disapprove then give them a taste of what it feels like to have someone invade their space and then call them a weird name.

In any case, I think that whatever the kids are being called it's all about context. Seems to me like DCB is calling them these names to be mean or to irritate ... it's not like he's calling them these names because they are terms of endearment KWIM? If the kids don't like it then it your job to step in and the DCM and gma need to understand this .

[JoseyJo]

Seriously . It's all about respecting someone's personal space and learning that sometimes people just don't feel comfortable about it. If DCM and gma disapprove then give them a taste of what it feels like to have someone invade their space and then call them a weird name.

In any case, I think that whatever the kids are being called it's all about context. Seems to me like DCB is calling them these names to be mean or to irritate ... it's not like he's calling them these names because they are terms of endearment KWIM? If the kids don't like it then it your job to step in and the DCM and gma need to understand this .

I totally think that would be fun, but I truly think they KNOW it's wrong what dcb is doing. They just cant stand for him to be told anything other than that he is perfect, special and the most important. If any other child has something (clothing, toy, etc) that in their eyes is "better" than what he has they get upset and go out and buy him better. He has the best toys, best clothes, best of everything. When I did our daycare assessments dcm came in the next day trying to get dcb to tell me his bday to get "credit" for it (he still couldn't even though they had been working on it all night!) Then gma came in that afternoon and said "I don't think my gson is dumb! he is very smart, he can work my ipad better than me" I just told her I don't know why she would ever think that, that he is a very smart child- I think she just couldn't stand it that his preschool assessment wasn't "perfect"

[JoseyJo]

And no- def not terms of endearment- he is doing it to get a rise out of them. When they call him anything other than his name, even his nickname, he flips out and starts screaming at them

[EntropyControlSpecialist]

I already told DCM that we would have to do buh bye outside if d/o and p/u problems continue. The problem we are having is that what we consider problem behavior and what dcb's family does is totally different.

For example- the "hugs". I think it is totally unexceptable for dcb to give people hugs who don't want them, and to give everyone multiple hugs all to prolong p/u so he can IMO flaunt our rules because parents are there. DCM and gma think it is "mean" for other children not to want dcb to give them hugs, and mean of me not to let him say bye to everyone for 5-10 minutes.

I don't allow hugs. I allow high fives here. Too many germs and too much rough housing occurred when I was allowing hugs. It doesn't really MATTER if they think your rule is mean. I have a parent that finds this rule of mine to be EXTREMELY harsh and sad and she let me know to which I replied, "I'd like them to keep their germs and rough housing to themselves! " and she made a big, sad face and said, "I understand but still." I never replied. It's your rule in YOUR house. The end.

[EntropyControlSpecialist]

I totally think that would be fun, but I truly think they KNOW it's wrong what dcb is doing. They just cant stand for him to be told anything other than that he is perfect, special and the most important. If any other child has something (clothing, toy, etc) that in their eyes is "better" than what he has they get upset and go out and buy him better. He has the best toys, best clothes, best of everything. When I did our daycare assessments dcm came in the next day trying to get dcb to tell me his bday to get "credit" for it (he still couldn't even though they had been working on it all night!) Then gma came in that afternoon and said "I don't think my gson is dumb! he is very smart, he can work my ipad better than me" I just told her I don't know why she would ever think that, that he is a very smart child- I think she just couldn't stand it that his preschool assessment wasn't "perfect"

Oh brother! What a lovely family.

[Laurel]

Sporadically give both DCM and gma up-close and personal hugs at random moments during P/U and D/O. Make sure your feet, legs, torso and arms are all touching the length of them. Rest your head on their shoulders.

::::

Laurel

[Laurel]

I wouldn't use TO in this instance until I had established a rule about name calling, talked with the boy who is name calling, had a group meeting about it and then warned the parents about consequences that would come if DCB continued to name call.

If after a lot of redirection and restating the rule (ours is "we only call our friends their real name at school) and DCB wasn't responding to this only then would I use TO.

We did have this problem recently with my own DS who is 5 and a student here who is also 5. They thought calling kids made up funny rhyming names was great but people were getting their feelings hurt. So I did have to repeatedly restate our rule that we only call friends by their names and then as a group we made up silly rhymes and sayings not directed at anyone to get their fascination with silly rhyming words satisfied. I truly believe these boys were just wanting to make up silly rhyming words and phrases and once I showed them a way to do it that didn't target anyone and was also funny they dove right into that and forgot name calling.

I think this is what needs to be done. However, I'll probably get flamed for this but I'd also consider being very matter of fact with him and say "Well, since you like silly names I've thought of two for you. Would you rather me call you Mr. Foo Foo or Twiddle ha ha." When he gets upset then say "See, they don't like it either so you won't be calling them these names at this house. Do you understand?" I don't think this is stooping to their level but more like showing them "this feels bad." On the off chance that he likes it I'd say "Well you might like it but they don't so you won't be calling them names at this house. Do you understand?"

Then I like your idea about having them think of silly rhyming words and phrases. I think that is a great idea!

Laurel

Just saying....he's five, he 'knows' better but I'd like him to 'feel' it

[JoseyJo]

but I'd also consider being very matter of fact with him and say "Well, since you like silly names I've thought of two for you. Would you rather me call you Mr. Foo Foo or Twiddle ha ha." When he gets upset then say "See, they don't like it either so you won't be calling them these names at this house. Do you understand?" I don't think this is stooping to their level but more like showing them "this feels bad." On the off chance that he likes it I'd say "Well you might like it but they don't so you won't be calling them names at this house. Do you understand?"

This is exactly what I did a few weeks ago when it first started (after we tried we don't call people names, they don't like being called names, we call people by their names, etc etc) It didn't do any good at all. I said "Since you like silly names so much I am going to call you PoppyPo (or something, I dont remember exactly) okay?" He got very upset and said "No! That is NOT my name, don't call me that! I don't like it!" (I didn't ever call him that I just asked if it was okay if I did). So he DEF knows better. But it didn't slow down the name calling of others at all. He is allowed at home to do whatever he wants and has been shown by mom and gma at p/u d/o that they can do, and allow him to do, whatever they want and go against our house rules.

Gma came to p/u today (normally it is mom or dad on Thurs but gma came w/ no heads up at all, and 1 1/2 hours earlier than normal). All of the dcks were in our far playroom playing together so when gma showed up my hubby told her dcb would be out in a few moments after he picked up this toys. He had dcb pick up his toys, had him say his goodbyes in the playroom, then walked him to the front door and his gma and told him to put on his outside shoes. Hubby kept the rest of the kids still playing their game in the far playroom. Everytime dcb tried to leave our carpeted area by the door (where we change from outside shoes to inside shoes) he redirected him back to the carpet and said "You need to go back to the carpet, you have your outside shoes on" Dcb left sniffling because he didn't get to run crazy all over and gma left w/ a dirty look, but it was the easiest p/u w/ them for the last few months!

[Laurel]

This is exactly what I did a few weeks ago when it first started (after we tried we don't call people names, they don't like being called names, we call people by their names, etc etc) It didn't do any good at all. I said "Since you like silly names so much I am going to call you PoppyPo (or something, I dont remember exactly) okay?" He got very upset and said "No! That is NOT my name, don't call me that! I don't like it!" (I didn't ever call him that I just asked if it was okay if I did). So he DEF knows better. But it didn't slow down the name calling of others at all. He is allowed at home to do whatever he wants and has been shown by mom and gma at p/u d/o that they can do, and allow him to do, whatever they want and go against our house rules.

Gma came to p/u today (normally it is mom or dad on Thurs but gma came w/ no heads up at all, and 1 1/2 hours earlier than normal). All of the dcks were in our far playroom playing together so when gma showed up my hubby told her dcb would be out in a few moments after he picked up this toys. He had dcb pick up his toys, had him say his goodbyes in the playroom, then walked him to the front door and his gma and told him to put on his outside shoes. Hubby kept the rest of the kids still playing their game in the far playroom. Everytime dcb tried to leave our carpeted area by the door (where we change from outside shoes to inside shoes) he redirected him back to the carpet and said "You need to go back to the carpet, you have your outside shoes on" Dcb left sniffling because he didn't get to run crazy all over and gma left w/ a dirty look, but it was the easiest p/u w/ them for the last few months!

Wow, in that case I would have said "Okay I won't call you PoppyPo UNLESS you call someone else a name. Then I will." (I might not have actually done it but when he called someone else a name again I might say "Oh you called a name so did you want me to call you PoppyPo or can you remember not to call Suzie names anymore?" So I wouldn't actually ever be calling him PoppyPo just reminding him I COULD. I know it sounds dumb but I bet it would work.

Oh that's wonderful that your husband did that. I don't really want to re-read the posts but I thought I remember you saying that you had help?? If so, could just one of you always be the one to take him to the door and the other children stay in another room or area like this time with your husband? Then he can't give them big hugs, etc. and won't have an audience.

Yeah for your husband!

Laurel

[MarinaVanessa]

I notice that clients will fight tooth and nail with female DCP's but won't say a thing and will hold their tongue even when it's obvious that they don't aprove of something if they are dealing with our husbands .

[JoseyJo]

Yep! Pretty amazing huh? My hubby is my partner in our group daycare so I think I will let him take the lead w/ this family for a while. DCM and gma wont say anything to him and wait until I am around to make comments- DCD thinks DCM and gma are ridiculous and agree w/ us on appropriate behavior (he stays out of it w/ them but doesn't get ****ed into the games). I think I will do my best to not be "around" when dcm and gma p/u d/o

[EntropyControlSpecialist]

Yep! Pretty amazing huh? My hubby is my partner in our group daycare so I think I will let him take the lead w/ this family for a while. DCM and gma wont say anything to him and wait until I am around to make comments- DCD thinks DCM and gma are ridiculous and agree w/ us on appropriate behavior (he stays out of it w/ them but doesn't get ****ed into the games). I think I will do my best to not be "around" when dcm and gma p/u d/o

When I had a "husband assistant" I had him deal with a child that became a complete brat at drop-off and pick-up when Mom was around. The child would break every rule, slap me, pinch me, kick me, spit, etc. It was insane. So, I let the man deal with their craziness and it stopped. I avoided them at all costs when they were together. I was really glad when that child left. ::

[Crystal]

Each and every time he calls a name, and another child tells on him, have that child tell him how she feels about it. Then, right in front of him, tell her that it is her choice whether or not she wishes to play with him. Then ask her what she chooses to do - play with him or not. She will most likely say that she does not. Then ask her why. She will say because she doesn't like being called names or the way he plays or whatever the issues may be. Then tell HIM.....I heard __________ say that because you keep calling her names that she doesn't want to play with you. You cannot play with her until she is ready to play with you. You need to find something or someone else to play with now.

Do this Every. Single. Time. Eventually he will get that the kids are not going to continue to indulge him and it should stop.

As far as Grandma (and Mom too, if needed)....I would directly tell her the next time you see her that SHE is to respect the rules of your home or she will no longer be welcome inside and will be required to wait outside until you have him ready to leave. I would tell her that she is NEVER to address another child in my care, that she is in no position to do so. I would not mince words. I would be very direct and upfront that I will not tolerate HER behavior any more than I will tolerate HIS behavior.