WWYD? Name Calling

[JoseyJo]

We have a 4.75dcb who has been calling the other dcks names. Things like dappy head, little boppy. Made up words, but said in an a teasing/mean way that makes the other kids mad. This has been going on for a month or so regularly.

We started by telling him that we don't call our friends names. We call them by their name. We have tried telling him that his friends don't like being called made up names. We tried asking if he would like it if we changed what we call him to little bobby, or zeetzeet or whatever he just called them. He says No! so he knows that it's not nice but he keeps doing it to the other kids.

After repeating the above and him still doing it over and over again we have resorted to the thinking chair every time he calls a name. We say "XXXX doesn't like it when you call them names. Come and think about it for a while " Then he sits away from the group for a little while, we talk about it again, and normally goes back and appologizes on his own and goes about playing. It seems to be working as it is lessening somewhat in frequency.

However- Gma came to pick up yesterday and asked how often dcb is in TO. Apparently he said something about have to go to the thinking chair the day before - he told her it was for "not following directions". I said he went once yesterday and once today for calling others made up names that they don't like. As I was explaining what was going on and she cut me off about midway and changed the subject.

Side note: Gma especially but also mom both make excuses for dcb CONSTANTLY!, he can do no wrong, everything is always someone elses fault. She allows him to go stark crazy at p/u and gets very upset when I make him behave, I do always enforce the rules but he keeps acting up since she gets so upset when I enforce them at p/u so p/u takes forever.

A little while later, after he has gone around and gave everyone "bear hugs" that they didn't want and was redirected by me back to getting ready to go, she is putting on his shoes he calls one of the kids a name when they get close. The dck says XXXX called me a name AGAIN! to me. Gma instantly says "No he DIDN"T" he was just playing, XXX what's my name? You're such a silly boy, you like to play with your friends don't you??? Dcb smirks, puts on his shoes, and walks out!

So- I have a feeling that I am gonna hear it about dcb going to the thinking chair over "silly made up names". Is there something else I could do that is "less" than TO/thinking chair? Is TO/thinking chair appropriate IYO for this?

Thanks so much in advance!

[EntropyControlSpecialist]

I'd put him RIGHT in time out upon entering into your daycare this morning after drop off. "We don't call our friends names. Johnny did not like that yesterday." and point to time out.

I had one 4.5-year-old who would do this. I always said, "We call our friends by their names." in a monotone voice and if it continued past that ONE warning that day I would place them in time out if indoors, or make them walk around the playground surrounding curb (it's level with the ground) if we were outdoors. For most kids, I don't use time out as a go to thing. But, mama don't play when it's a respect thing and I FULLY expect all the children to comply with what I've said the first time. Not doing so just isn't an option because I don't request much and when I make the initial request it is always with a reason and conversation attached.

As for Grandma not liking you to discipline her child by correcting BAD behavior ... get over it. That's nothing to fuss over. If you were spanking him or shaming him, I could see her concern. He isn't the boss at daycare. You, with multiple children in your care, are. If she questions you about it I'd say, "We have a zero tolerance policy for rude behavior towards other children and adults."

[preschoolteacher]

I wouldn't do what the previous poster said and put him in time-out for something he did on the previous day. It's not HIS fault that his grandma isn't disciplining. I'd let that one go and move on...

What I would do next time is confront the Grandma about his behavior in a respectful way in front of him. He saw that you didn't enforce the rule when she was there. He needs to know that the rules stand.

[wahmof3]

I would also use T/O for name calling.

I would try not to say "We don't call our friends names"

I would say "We don't call people names" or "We don't call anybody names"

I once thought that referring to all children in my program as friends was a good thing, but one of the classes I took last semester said that they don't all have to be friends, but they should be respectful to everyone as individuals.

In another sense too I think by saying that we don't call our friends names it could be sending the message that it is acceptable to call others that we don't consider friends names.

Bottom line is that name calling is unacceptable and I would separate for name calling- T/O and I would also keep explaining why name calling is not ok at his level.

As far as pick up: could you have DCK ready to go and just hand him off?

Good luck that is a difficult issue. I wonder if the parents call him silly names at home? If so they are sending the message that name calling is ok.

[Evansmom]

I wouldn't use TO in this instance until I had established a rule about name calling, talked with the boy who is name calling, had a group meeting about it and then warned the parents about consequences that would come if DCB continued to name call.

If after a lot of redirection and restating the rule (ours is "we only call our friends their real name at school) and DCB wasn't responding to this only then would I use TO.

We did have this problem recently with my own DS who is 5 and a student here who is also 5. They thought calling kids made up funny rhyming names was great but people were getting their feelings hurt. So I did have to repeatedly restate our rule that we only call friends by their names and then as a group we made up silly rhymes and sayings not directed at anyone to get their fascination with silly rhyming words satisfied. I truly believe these boys were just wanting to make up silly rhyming words and phrases and once I showed them a way to do it that didn't target anyone and was also funny they dove right into that and forgot name calling.

[Blackcat31]

I wouldn't do what the previous poster said and put him in time-out for something he did on the previous day. It's not HIS fault that his grandma isn't disciplining. I'd let that one go and move on...

What I would do next time is confront the Grandma about his behavior in a respectful way in front of him. He saw that you didn't enforce the rule when she was there. He needs to know that the rules stand.

I would absolutely put in him a time out as soon as he arrives the next day...he is plenty old enough to be responsible for his own actions when he knows FULL well that calling names is not allowed. Doing it in front of grandma is a manipulative move because he knows grandma is going to back up or excuse his bad behavior. This child is 4.75 years old.

He KNOWS better.

What I would do for daily behavior management though is to not have him sit in the thinking chair but have him play alone. I would not allow him to play with anyone until he can be a friend and not call names.

Each day, I would allow him to start out playing with others and as soon as he calls a name, he plays alone the rest of the day and/or shadows you.

He is getting far too much attention right now for this behavior and he is loving every minute of it.

As far as pick ups with grandma go...you need to have this child ready to go before grandma arrives. Then you hand him off to grandma and shut the door. If necessary have grandma text/call before pick up so YOU can have him get ready BEFORE she arrives.

This little guy is in charge and he KNOWS it.

[JoseyJo]

I would also use T/O for name calling.

I would try not to say "We don't call our friends names"

I would say "We don't call people names" or "We don't call anybody names"

I once thought that referring to all children in my program as friends was a good thing, but one of the classes I took last semester said that they don't all have to be friends, but they should be respectful to everyone as individuals.

In another sense too I think by saying that we don't call our friends names it could be sending the message that it is acceptable to call others that we don't consider friends names.

Bottom line is that name calling is unacceptable and I would separate for name calling- T/O and I would also keep explaining why name calling is not ok at his level.

As far as pick up: could you have DCK ready to go and just hand him off?

Good luck that is a difficult issue. I wonder if the parents call him silly names at home? If so they are sending the message that name calling is ok.

His dad does call people made up names -he calls one of our dcbs football head a couple of times and I told him that dcb doesnt like that. He stopped but I am sure he does it at home about other people. DCM also says that dcb calls her made up names and she allows it (she allows him to do anything he wants).

So I know WHY he does it but that doesn't make it okay here! He does lots of stuff at home that he isn't allowed to do here.- Hit, Push, Yell at others, be disrespectful, boss adults around, run around crazy, etc. We have had him since 17 months so he doesn't do those things here for the most part. Name calling is just the new thing he is trying out here.

I would LOVE to have him ready to go when his parents get here due to LOTS of problems we have w/ him at p/u and d/o. But his Gma picks him up on Tuesdays and sometimes wednesdays sometime between 3:30 and 4:30. His mom or dad pick him up Mon, some weds, and Thursday sometime between 4:30 and 6, and dad picks him up fridays between 5:15 and 6. We have open hours not contracted times. Any ideas on how I could get them to p/u at a scheduled time or give me a call when they are on their way? I would also LOVE to have dcb passed through at d/o instead of dcm coming in and saying "change your shoes, change your shoes, change your shoes, take off your jacket, take off your jacket, a thousand times and dcb ignoring her and acting up. I have tried telling her to just say goodbye and let us handle the jacket and stuff but she wont do it.

[Blackcat31]

I would LOVE to have him ready to go when his parents get here due to LOTS of problems we have w/ him at p/u and d/o. But his Gma picks him up on Tuesdays and sometimes wednesdays sometime between 3:30 and 4:30. His mom or dad pick him up Mon, some weds, and Thursday sometime between 4:30 and 6, and dad picks him up fridays between 5:15 and 6. We have open hours not contracted times. Any ideas on how I could get them to p/u at a scheduled time or give me a call when they are on their way? I would also LOVE to have dcb passed through at d/o instead of dcm coming in and saying "change your shoes, change your shoes, change your shoes, take off your jacket, take off your jacket, a thousand times and dcb ignoring her and acting up. I have tried telling her to just say goodbye and let us handle the jacket and stuff but she wont do it.

Either write them a note or speak directly to them about pick up. Tell them from now on who ever is picking up MUST call/text that they are on their way so you can have daycare boy ready for them.

If they have an issue with that, just tell them why. Tell them that pick up time is confusing for DCB because the parent's rules about behavior are different than yours so in order to reduce the stress or conflict, you are requiring (NOT requesting) that they call/text BEFORE arriving.

This is YOUR home/business. You DO get to make the rules. Don't let this parents failure to control or discipline their child be your problem.

[NeedaVaca]

You can also mention to them that "this behavior will not be tolerated at school and it's much better to work on this now or the transition to kindergarten will be that much tougher for him. He will have a hard time making friends at school if he is calling them all names, surely you don't want that?"

[JoseyJo]

I already told DCM that we would have to do buh bye outside if d/o and p/u problems continue. The problem we are having is that what we consider problem behavior and what dcb's family does is totally different.

For example- the "hugs". I think it is totally unexceptable for dcb to give people hugs who don't want them, and to give everyone multiple hugs all to prolong p/u so he can IMO flaunt our rules because parents are there. DCM and gma think it is "mean" for other children not to want dcb to give them hugs, and mean of me not to let him say bye to everyone for 5-10 minutes.

[Blackcat31]

I already told DCM that we would have to do buh bye outside if d/o and p/u problems continue. The problem we are having is that what we consider problem behavior and what dcb's family does is totally different.

For example- the "hugs". I think it is totally unexceptable for dcb to give people hugs who don't want them, and to give everyone multiple hugs all to prolong p/u so he can IMO flaunt our rules because parents are there. DCM and gma think it is "mean" for other children not to want dcb to give them hugs, and mean of me not to let him say bye to everyone for 5-10 minutes.

It IS hard when parents view something differently than you do but that is when you have to use your backbone and simply say "DCM, I know you don't have an issue with the hugging and behaviors at pick up time but the other families do so I am not going to allow it to continue. I must do what is best for ALL the families I have in care so from now on DCB will not be allowed to hug anyone goodbye. He will get his belongings and be ready when you arrive to pick him up. Again, please call or text me BEFORE arrival so that I can make sure DCB is ready to go."

Don't ask, don't offer and don't bend. Set your rules and enforce them. You don't work for this family, they are purchasing a service from you and if they are unhappy with your services, they are free to go elsewhere.

I would never allow a parent to set the precedence in my home/business.

I'm sorry this family is being such a PITA. It can be the worst part of this job. Hang in there and stand firm!

[MarinaVanessa]

DCM and gma think it is "mean" for other children not to want dcb to give them hugs, and mean of me not to let him say bye to everyone for 5-10 minutes.

Sporadically give both DCM and gma up-close and personal hugs at random moments during P/U and D/O. Make sure your feet, legs, torso and arms are all touching the length of them. Rest your head on their shoulders.

[JoseyJo]

It IS hard when parents view something differently than you do but that is when you have to use your backbone and simply say "DCM, I know you don't have an issue with the hugging and behaviors at pick up time but the other families do so I am not going to allow it to continue. I must do what is best for ALL the families I have in care so from now on DCB will not be allowed to hug anyone goodbye. He will get his belongings and be ready when you arrive to pick him up. Again, please call or text me BEFORE arrival so that I can make sure DCB is ready to go."

Don't ask, don't offer and don't bend. Set your rules and enforce them. You don't work for this family, they are purchasing a service from you and if they are unhappy with your services, they are free to go elsewhere.

I would never allow a parent to set the precedence in my home/business.

I'm sorry this family is being such a PITA. It can be the worst part of this job. Hang in there and stand firm!

Thanks so much!!!

Part of my problem is that these would be "new" rules for us. We have been in business for 4.5 years and we haven't had these specific problems before. Most of our parents have worked WITH us on problem behaviors, instead of excusing them. It feels like we are constantly putting new rules in place, mostly because of things this dcf keeps doing! We had to put rules in place about appropriate winter wear and field trip wear. We had to put new stricter rules in place about toys and food coming to school. Etc, etc, all in the last 4 months or so!

This family has been w/ us for longer than anyone else currently in care and dcd is a cousin of my dh (my partner in our group dc). That dynamic is making it difficult for me to be as stern as I would w/ other families. He has always been very high energy, like a whirlwind, but this manipulation and problems at p/u d/o are new within the last 6 months or so. I am frustrated w/ all the drama! As soon as I put my foot down about one thing it is some new thing. Putting hands on people (on their faces, squeezing their arms, face in their face, etc, teasing kids at d/o, then aggressive hugs at p/u, calling names. uggg!

[JoseyJo]

Sporadically give both DCM and gma up-close and personal hugs at random moments during P/U and D/O. Make sure your feet, legs, torso and arms are all touching the length of them. Rest your head on their shoulders.

LOL! That would be great!

[Blackcat31]

Sporadically give both DCM and gma up-close and personal hugs at random moments during P/U and D/O. Make sure your feet, legs, torso and arms are all touching the length of them. Rest your head on their shoulders.

:::::::: That would be priceless!!

Thanks so much!!!

Part of my problem is that these would be "new" rules for us. We have been in business for 4.5 years and we haven't had these specific problems before. Most of our parents have worked WITH us on problem behaviors, instead of excusing them. It feels like we are constantly putting new rules in place, mostly because of things this dcf keeps doing! We had to put rules in place about appropriate winter wear and field trip wear. We had to put new stricter rules in place about toys and food coming to school. Etc, etc, all in the last 4 months or so!

This family has been w/ us for longer than anyone else currently in care and dcd is a cousin of my dh (my partner in our group dc). That dynamic is making it difficult for me to be as stern as I would w/ other families. He has always been very high energy, like a whirlwind, but this manipulation and problems at p/u d/o are new within the last 6 months or so. I am frustrated w/ all the drama! As soon as I put my foot down about one thing it is some new thing. Putting hands on people (on their faces, squeezing their arms, face in their face, etc, teasing kids at d/o, then aggressive hugs at p/u, calling names. uggg!

Every rule in my handbook is because some one did or tried something I really didn't think I had to actually put in writing....of course, families still amaze me sometimes and I find myself wondering how they made it all the way into adulthood...

I can totally see how this would be not only annoying but frustrating as well.
I hate to automatically say this, but it sounds like maybe this family is just not a good fit and that you (and them) need to find alternate care arrangements. If that is at all an option, I really think I would consider it

Hugs for dealing with all this..... Makes this job tough! :hug: