DCM called out other DCM??? What to do

[daycare]

:: Maybe it's the Aspie in me ... but when did we become so politically correct as a society that it stopped being okay to confront people about their BAD behavior? I'm not saying that rudely, I'm saying that as a general question. If we confronted bad behavior with more head on confrontational behavior then maybe it would stop! Maybe if more people told this Mom, "You aren't working, your kid shouldn't be in daycare he should be with you!" then maybe this kiddo would get more quality time with Mom.

I think confrontational people are sometimes beneficial. It helps people to see the bad choices they are making. I actually kind of think we need more of that in the society we live in now. Our society is just plain straight scary because no one wants to step on each other's toes or get in each other's business. I was actually reading about this in a brain research book that touched on bad parenting techniques. Very interesting!

I wish I had the nerve to confront people. I am soooooo not the kind that could do that.. I usually bite my tongue and grin

[mrsnj]

I noticed in a comment you wanted to help out those you thought would need it. Maybe next time talk only to those who need it about making an offer. I have done that. Closed but offered to a mom who had to work and had no family to help. We went on a picnic with him and my kids. But I wasn't open to the others and never mentioned it.

[littlemissmuffet]

Oh, I hear you and definitely agree, I just find it terribly rude for a daycare parent to confront another daycare parent...even of they re co-workers.

If DCM #1 was in a position of authority over the other DCM at work, then she should discuss work related issues at work and not at daycare.

Also, if either DCM feels the other is taking advantage of the provider, that is still not her place to say.

Plus, provider already said she doesn't care if the parent is working or not so why the family signed on for that day or not is no one's business.

NOT wanting to spend time with your own child doesn't sit well with me but neither does one parent trying to tell another how to parent...kwim?

(I don't mean any of what I said snarky or rude... just putting my perspective out there.... LOL! In light of the forum mood lately, I feel I need to say that. )

I understand where you are coming from, and I know why you feel the way you feel... I'm even ok with that. LOL! I get into all kinds of arguments about what is or isn't my place - because I feel that it's always my place to speak up/question behavior when I feel something isn't right. I often come across as a rude b!tch... but that's not necessarily my intent. Though, I can be a very judgemental person and tend to jump to conclusions - sometimes I simply ask why someone is doing something and have them explain to me why they do what they do so that I have a better understanding/another perspective... to not be so judgemental!

[LaLa1923]

UGH.... I did something dumb and decided to throw it out to the parents to stay open on memorial day but they had to sign up by a certain date or you cant attend.

Most of my families are working professionals that have it off and then I have a few in the service industry that don't.

Well only one family signs up. Just so happens that this family works with one of my other families, who said that their company is closed that day.

Well at pick up yesterday, dcm calls out the other dcm saying why did you sign up for your child to come to care on Monday? We have it off..........

Uh oh.............So now those two are in a heated discussion at my front door. I stay out of it, and try to just get them to leave.

Normally I will say I will stay open if I have 3 or more families sign up, but did not say that this time.

So now what??? Should I still tell dcf that signed up that I am not going to open even though I did not set a limit of families needed to stay open??

THis is a family that always gives me a hard time, so everything is a battle when it does not go their way.....ugh

would you open for that one family or say sorry, we are going to close....

I'm sorry..... We are going to be closed that day after all........Not enough families signed up to open.....

[EntropyControlSpecialist]

I don't think society should confront people with bad behaviors, but I do think there should be consequences for bad behaviors though.

Also in this particular instance, I don't think there was any bad behavior. Only opinions on parenting styles (I don't think it is "bad" behavior to have your child in care when you aren't working). OP even said that was not an issue for her.

Also as child care providers WE value time spent with our children but that same value may not be as high of a priority for ALL parents so I don't think that anyone should be able to rightfully confront anyone in regards to HOW they parent; especially if it doesn't effect that person directly and isn't behavior considered illegal....kwim?

Hope that makes sense.

That does make sense!

I think I am reading more into it than her just sending her child on this one particular day she isn't working. I don't think DCM would have confronted the other DCM had it been solely about that, although I suppose she could have!

I actually see the negative effects of parents not properly connecting to their children all the time with the daycare kids, with my adopted son (holy nightmare), and with parents of other adopted children who are working on THEIR attachment issues. I guess I don't handle being a bystander when I witness that very well and I certainly am judgemental about it. Certain things are very black and white to me when it comes to parenting. Abuse is bad parenting. Neglect is bad parenting. Lack of time with your child, when your child needs that for their development, is bad parenting. Etc. etc. etc.
I'm not saying that I'm an expert by any means, I'm just saying my little brain only sees these things in black and white with no grey area and I would be clapping inwardly if I witnessed someone constructively criticizing someone else in the hopes that they would be a better parent. That tends to be how I roll, though. ::

[NeedaVaca]

:: Maybe it's the Aspie in me ... but when did we become so politically correct as a society that it stopped being okay to confront people about their BAD behavior? I'm not saying that rudely, I'm saying that as a general question. If we confronted bad behavior with more head on confrontational behavior then maybe it would stop! Maybe if more people told this Mom, "You aren't working, your kid shouldn't be in daycare he should be with you!" then maybe this kiddo would get more quality time with Mom.

I think confrontational people are sometimes beneficial. It helps people to see the bad choices they are making. I actually kind of think we need more of that in the society we live in now. Our society is just plain straight scary because no one wants to step on each other's toes or get in each other's business. I was actually reading about this in a brain research book that touched on bad parenting techniques. Very interesting!

That's an interesting thought for a new thread. I hear what you are saying and it kind of reminds me of the way I was raised. People were not outright mean to each other but in each others business more...Neighborhood families watched out for each other and if you were a kid doing something wrong any one of them could get you in trouble or reprimand you. Family spent a lot of time with each other and they could all "yell" (for lack of a better word) at any of the kids for doing something wrong. As a kid I knew better than to do something wrong or I would get in big trouble. The saying "It takes a village" comes to mind. It's so much different now...

[Play Care]

:: Maybe it's the Aspie in me ... but when did we become so politically correct as a society that it stopped being okay to confront people about their BAD behavior? I'm not saying that rudely, I'm saying that as a general question. If we confronted bad behavior with more head on confrontational behavior then maybe it would stop! Maybe if more people told this Mom, "You aren't working, your kid shouldn't be in daycare he should be with you!" then maybe this kiddo would get more quality time with Mom.

I think confrontational people are sometimes beneficial. It helps people to see the bad choices they are making. I actually kind of think we need more of that in the society we live in now. Our society is just plain straight scary because no one wants to step on each other's toes or get in each other's business. I was actually reading about this in a brain research book that touched on bad parenting techniques. Very interesting!

But we have NO idea why this mom needed or wanted to put the kid in dc for the day. Maybe there is a good reason for it. If I saw someone knock over an elderly person as they were trying to hurry by, you darn well better believe I would say something. But sending a child to day care on a day the parents is "off" work doesn't necessarily equal "bad" behavior on the parent's part.

If one of my clients felt that needed to "stand up" to another client for me, I would think that they felt I was incapable of being a professional thus necessitating the action. I would wonder what else they felt I was incapable of...

Bottom line, the provider offered the service and the parent took her up on it.

[caligirl]

I don't know about you, but I work 11 hour days, 5 days a week. I'm open 6:30am to 5:30 PM... No way on Gods green earth am I staying open on a National holiday just because some of them might have to work. I feel that I am owed a holiday just like the 'regular working' person does.. If they have to work on a holiday, then they need to find back up.

[Blackcat31]

I understand where you are coming from, and I know why you feel the way you feel... I'm even ok with that. LOL! I get into all kinds of arguments about what is or isn't my place - because I feel that it's always my place to speak up/question behavior when I feel something isn't right. I often come across as a rude b!tch... but that's not necessarily my intent. Though, I can be a very judgemental person and tend to jump to conclusions - sometimes I simply ask why someone is doing something and have them explain to me why they do what they do so that I have a better understanding/another perspective... to not be so judgemental!

I am the same way. But for some odd reason, NOT in a business sense.

In my personal life I am just like you described yourself. I get myself in hot water all the time for saying things (things that are often judgmental and not my place to say) simply because....well...I am opinionated and can't help myself sometimes.

But when it comes to business, I tend to operate on a more factual (verses emotional) basis. I can easily sort out the difference between fact and feeling and have no problem enforcing things in a black and white fashion. I think that has a lot to do with why I have a good backbone in this job.

It isn't that I don't feel for people in tough situations and such, it's just that when I wear my business hat, emotional connections and personal feelings don't get as strong of a voice as they do in my personal life.

That does make sense!

I think I am reading more into it than her just sending her child on this one particular day she isn't working. I don't think DCM would have confronted the other DCM had it been solely about that, although I suppose she could have!

I actually see the negative effects of parents not properly connecting to their children all the time with the daycare kids, with my adopted son (holy nightmare), and with parents of other adopted children who are working on THEIR attachment issues. I guess I don't handle being a bystander when I witness that very well and I certainly am judgemental about it. Certain things are very black and white to me when it comes to parenting. Abuse is bad parenting. Neglect is bad parenting. Lack of time with your child, when your child needs that for their development, is bad parenting. Etc. etc. etc.
I'm not saying that I'm an expert by any means, I'm just saying my little brain only sees these things in black and white with no grey area and I would be clapping inwardly if I witnessed someone constructively criticizing someone else in the hopes that they would be a better parent. That tends to be how I roll, though. ::

I definitely agree that there are all sorts of negative things and big time fall out for kids who don't get that deep bonding connection with their parent and I too think it is VERY important for the emotional, social and mental well being of a child.

Buuut, you can't make a parent spend time with their child. If they don't understand, recognize or even value that theory (secure attachment) then you can't convince them of it.

Parents will ALWAYS parent in the way they wish to, no matter what we require for rules/policies in our handbooks. Parents will ALWAYS do what works best for them and will prioritize in the same manner.

Just like when we say we wish a parent would spend their day off with their child. Even if they did keep their child home with them, how do we know the child isn't sitting in front of the TV with a Sponge Bob marathon playing on Nick Jr while he munches on left over Easter candy he found stashed in his toybox while his mom is busy playing Farmville on Facebook...not even looking up to check on him.

We can value, promote and wish for secure emotional connections and quality face time between parents and children all we want but that doesn't mean it will actually happen.

[EntropyControlSpecialist]

I am the same way. But for some odd reason, NOT in a business sense.

In my personal life I am just like you described yourself. I get myself in hot water all the time for saying things (things that are often judgmental and not my place to say) simply because....well...I am opinionated and can't help myself sometimes.

But when it comes to business, I tend to operate on a more factual (verses emotional) basis. I can easily sort out the difference between fact and feeling and have no problem enforcing things in a black and white fashion. I think that has a lot to do with why I have a good backbone in this job.

It isn't that I don't feel for people in tough situations and such, it's just that when I wear my business hat, emotional connections and personal feelings don't get as strong of a voice as they do in my personal life.



I definitely agree that there are all sorts of negative things and big time fall out for kids who don't get that deep bonding connection with their parent and I too think it is VERY important for the emotional, social and mental well being of a child.

Buuut, you can't make a parent spend time with their child. If they don't understand, recognize or even value that theory (secure attachment) then you can't convince them of it.

Parents will ALWAYS parent in the way they wish to, no matter what we require for rules/policies in our handbooks. Parents will ALWAYS do what works best for them and will prioritize in the same manner.

Just like when we say we wish a parent would spend their day off with their child. Even if they did keep their child home with them, how do we know the child isn't sitting in front of the TV with a Sponge Bob marathon playing on Nick Jr while he munches on left over Easter candy he found stashed in his toybox while his mom is busy playing Farmville on Facebook...not even looking up to check on him.

We can value, promote and wish for secure emotional connections and quality face time between parents and children all we want but that doesn't mean it will actually happen.

Sad, but true! It's why I don't require a parent to be working to send their child here. 6/9 children that attend here (full-timers and part-timers) have SAHM's. From a business standpoint, income is income. I wouldn't reprimand a parent as a business owner for being, what I consider to be, a bad parent. But, I would greatly enjoy it if another parent did. ::

As for the child sitting in front of the TV with candy ... how do you know one of my DCBs so well??? Are you in here hanging out while Mom & DCB talk about how much "fun" he had to another child, who then tells them that those are bad choices LOL!?

I do value, promote, and wish for those things but I know they won't happen for the parents who don't value them. Actions speak louder than words with them and I can SEE what they value. But no one says anything in our society about it.

[littlemissmuffet]

Blackcat: See, and it's partially because of you that I have become more emotionally detatched from my business and stopped questioning every little thing and even sometimes try to understand where my parents are coming from even though I would never ever behave the way many of them do.

The thing is, as a DC provider, I would not have said anything to the mothers in my entrance, other than to please discuss elsewhere. I would have simply spoke to the confronted mother later (the next morning) and said what I stated above in another post (that I would be closed afterall bc she is the only person who signed up and she's not going to work).

As the confronting mom, however... I still think I'd have done the same thing she did. Even though I agree, it usually does come off as very rude when someone questions something that is essentially non of anyone else's business!

[Blackcat31]

Blackcat: See, and it's partially because of you that I have become more emotionally detatched from my business and stopped questioning every little thing and even sometimes try to understand where my parents are coming from even though I would never ever behave the way many of them do.

Gosh, I hope my influence hasn't been a bad thing (??)

...and just clarifying, you are now more detached emotionally and are more business like or you are now more understanding of a parent's perspective therefore less business like?

Just want to make sure where I am influencing folks

I would never behave as many of mine do either...that's why I am on this side of the relationship verses being the one to drop off my child for someone else to spend the day with.

(daycare~ sorry for the hi-jack )

[canadiancare]

Is there any reasoning with the mother as courtesy? "Jane you are the only parent who signed up which means I am opening on a holiday for 30$. Would you be willing to reconsider?"

[littlemissmuffet]

Gosh, I hope my influence hasn't been a bad thing (??)

...and just clarifying, you are now more detached emotionally and are more business like or you are now more understanding of a parent's perspective therefore less business like?

Just want to make sure where I am influencing folks

I would never behave as many of mine do either...that's why I am on this side of the relationship verses being the one to drop off my child for someone else to spend the day with.

(daycare~ sorry for the hi-jack )

:: More business like. I still get right ripping mad at my parents sometimes but I don't let it affect my personal life as much anymore (ruining entire days, weekends, just my whole work atmosphere in general) and I try to be more understanding of parent's different situations before automatically assuming they are dumping their kid here for "me" time, etc.

I used to make alot of business decisions based on emotions, as opposed to facts - and now I'm trying not to do that so much

[Unregistered]

oh, or mention that as it is a holiday and she is the only parent needing care that in order to stay open you would need to charge minimum wage per hour in order to remain open.

Joking, in reality I would work it, and word it diferently in the future for sure.

Has she been with you long enough to know you have always required a minimum of 3 families before? You could maybe try an out with that, saying 'As always to remain open on holidays I require 3 families to show up, unfortunately this time there was not enough interest so I will be closed.'